Category: Satire

Yes, there’s a Congresswoman Judy Chu, but this is The Duffel Blog, so we can be reasonably certain that she didn’t really say this, because The Duffel Blog is satire;

“Women make up 14.6% of the active duty military, but just 2.3% of the casualties,” complained Rep. Chu.

“Did you know that in the past decade, our military has only had 140 women killed in combat?” asked Rep. Chu. ”Compare that to more than six thousand men killed, and it paints a disturbing picture of a military reluctant to let women near the front lines. Obviously we have to find a way to narrow the casualty gap.”

And on the same subject, another satirical piece from The Duffel Blog reports; Gay Marines Protest Possibility Of Female Infantry;

Semper Pink spokesman Sergeant James Wagner, wearing a shirt that said “I keep my unit out of women, so keep women out of my unit,” said that allowing women into the infantry would force gay Marines to deal with lifestyle choices which they disagreed with.

“Plus, we didn’t join up to look at some nasty poon-tang!” he emphasized.

Sergeant Wagner also said that female infantry would be disruptive to unit cohesion.

“Suppose I happen to be out in town, and I see a male and a female Marine from my fireteam kissing,” he says. “Now any time we’re in combat I’ll have to wonder if he’s thinking of cradling me in his arms as I tell him that I love him with my last dying breath, or her skank ass.”

Satire. Satire. Satire. Satire.

It’s satire because it’s The Duffle Blog. you know what satire is, right? Well this is satire;

“I just gotta say, this is a great day for the US Military, and our country as a whole,” said General Scapparotti.

Soldiers mobbed Dining Facilities (DFACs) across the war-torn nation in search of non-alcoholic beer to celebrate the historic event, while back on the home-front, millions of citizens took to the streets in thousands of impromptu ”victory parties.”

The cause for all of the celebration lies in the assessment slide at the center of the main briefing screen in the Kabul IJC — headquarters for the entire war effort. It shows a map of Afghanistan, with a block next to each Province, indicating the progress in that particular region. For the first time in the history of the now 11 year war, all blocks are colored green.

Yeah, cuz nothing says “victory” like near-beer. Did I mention that it’s satire? That’s why if you look out your window, no one is celebrating our victory in Afghanistan. Because it’s satire.

It’s the DUFFEL BLOG, so it’s satire;

The ship’s name, which had been kept under wraps until right before the launch, was revealed yesterday at a star-studded event presided over by Ms. Fonda.

Ms. Fonda made a statement prior to the launch, saying, “I dedicate this ship to the brave men who fought and died in Vietnam, especially those in the 66th Viet Cong Regiment.”

The actress is extremely unpopular among some military groups for her activities during the Vietnam War, such as posing for propaganda pictures with North Vietnamese soldiers, referring to American prisoners of war as “hypocrites and liars”, and more recently cutting the line at a Target in front of a guy wearing an American flag t-shirt.

You know what satire is, right? Well, it’s satire. It just sounds like something Maybus would do. But it’s satire!

I’m sure TSO will be reporting on this too, but our friends at The Duffel Blog send this exclusive;

“I don’t speak your ‘yabba-dabba-doo’,” Obama shouted, as he calmly shot him in the face.

At one point, after his pistol jammed, Obama surprised the troops by grabbing an AK-47 off one of the bodies and continued to put rounds downrange.

“Guys, I spent part of my childhood in Indonesia,” he said while effortlessly conducting immediate action on the weapon, “It’s just like riding a bicycle.”

After killing the three Taliban, Obama then posed for a group photo with the soldiers while urinating on the corpses.

I knew he had it him, he just needed the opportunity to show you wingnuts what he can do and his trip to Afghanistan gave him the opportunity. Suck it, Mitt.

By the way, you know it’s satire, right?

The folks at the Duffel Blog reports that a young Lance Corporal was stopped by the Military Police from paying back the Japanese after mass amounts of beer while watching “Pearl Harbor”;

“I can’t believe Danny died,” as he took another swig of Budweiser and sobbed. “These damn Japs [sic] need to pay!”

His roommate, Lance Corporal Jason Evers, tried to calm him with a history lesson.

“Dude. It happened like, 60 something years ago. We already whooped their ass.”

Unfortunately Vanhue would not listen. As the credits came across the screen, the Lance Corporal went to his wall locker.

“I’ve got to pack my gear,” he said, as he shoved throwing stars, an entrenching tool, and extra socks in his ruck sack. After packing, he donned his helmet and flak jacket and headed to the armory. But amazingly, even in his drunken stupor, he didn’t forget his eye-pro.

I wonder if he also had his reflective belt. Go read the rest.

Thanks to James for the link.

The folks at Duffel Blog (remember it’s satire) recount a Pentagon study on beards in combat;

“We took 100 soldiers. 25 were Special Forces qualified and had beards, 25 were Special Forces qualified without beards, 25 were regular Army allowed to grow beards for the study, and the last 25 were regular Army without beards. All 100 of these subjects were in direct combat in Afghanistan during the study.”

He continued, “Xegis Solutions had several teams of researchers embedded with these troops to make observations on their combat effectiveness. The results were overwhelming, out of the 50 soldiers with beards, zero were wounded or killed and they had a significantly higher accuracy of fire than the soldiers without beards. The soldiers lacking beards had a higher rate of weapons malfunctions and basically, shit went wrong most of the time.”

Go read the rest.