This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Category: Satire

  • VA’s computer system hacked; backlog cleared overnight

    Veterans’ Affairs Administrator Eric Shinseki appeared before the House Veterans Affairs Committee this morning and in a somewhat disjointed statement announced that overnight someone had hacked into the VA’s computer system and processed the 800,000 claims that had been the single blackest mark on the Vietnam veteran’s stint leading that Agency. The NSA, investigating the hack, concluded that it was indeed millions of computers apparently originating in China.

    “Well, ya know, if I had a billion people who I only had to pay 32 cents an hour, I could have done it, too,” remarked Shinseki, “But as it is, I have to keep these American people entertained with million dollar parties and conferences, and those skit-films we have to make take some time, too.”

    The Chinese Embassy released a statement denying that they had taken part in the largest hacking incident in history. “The People’s Republic of China doesn’t participate in cyber espionage, and we have no interest in how the US government treats it’s veterans of their colonialist wars. But, if anyone did hack into the Veterans’ Affairs computer system, it was probably because they were tired of hearing Secretary Shinseki whining about how he didn’t have enough resources. And his weird accent probably irritated the Hell out of them, too.”

    The Veterans Affairs Department announced that in celebration of the huge weight lifted from the agency’s shoulders, they’ll be furloughing 80% of their employees over the next few months. Said Secretary Shinseki, “Look it took us a decade to build up this backlog and now we have to start all over again and work overtime to build up another backlog in a much shorter timeframe. I said the claims would be cleared by 2015, so we don’t have much time to create another crisis to justify our jobs. Thanks a lot, China.”

  • Declaration of Fakery

    When in the Course of human events,  there are people who saw a lot of war movies and wanted to do that too, but liked their couches more, it becomes necessary for such people to craft tales of awesomeness they once read about.  To assume among the powers of the of the internet, the separate and greater station to which their tales of heroism and the Laws of Narcissism and of Narcissism’s God entitle them, a lack of respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare how awesome they are, and threaten to sue should they be found out, and to deny the causes which impel them to tell the lies.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that we deserve the adoration that other people fought for with blood sweat and tears.  That we are endowed by Dr Phil with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Lies, fraud and the pursuit of Accolades.–That to secure these rights, the Government can’t take away my “free speech,” deriving their powers from the lies the congress critters told, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to my personhood I can sue, even if I lied.  It is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish their records, and to institute new better stories, laying its foundation on such acts we were too lazy to commit ourselves.

     

    We are better than you, not because we actually did the really impressive stuff that we claim to have done, but rather that we are clever enough to earn the accolades that go with said achievements, without having to sweat for them.  We who make up stories are entitled to be treated like the special little snowflake we know we are.  We are entitled to earning money speaking about our heroism that we did not actually display.  We are entitled to VA benefits for the post traumatic stress we got from watching Deer Hunter.  We demand and declare this!  And if you don’t like it, we’ll sue the crap out of you.

    No law shall stop us from putting on SEAL tridents with Master EOD badges on Marine uniforms.  We will not accept your fellonius slanderous names like MSG Soup Sandwich.  We are awesome.  Just look at our medals!  We were jumping into panama when we were in diapers and how dare you attempt to prove otherwise!

     

    Signed,

    everyone that steals valor

  • HURRAY, It Finally Happened!

    As many of you may (or may not) know, I have been trying secretly for years to dominate the world.  It hasn’t been easy.  My first attempt to raise a small army of poisonous spiders just like in Arachnophobia backfired when The spiders proved to be only mildly annoying.  My next attempt to build a small nuclear reactor to power an army of DeathBots also backfired when the subcontractor for Uranium enrichment happened to get invaded by America.

    It seemed all was for naught, until I heard that there was a “war for oil” going on in that same country!  Well sign me up!  I was planning to ship whole tankers full of crude to my evil lair (conveniently located in the Hollywood hills with only a light commute to downtown!)  Sadly this war for oil business turned out to be a HUGE let down when I realized it wasn’t oil for us, but rather oil for the indigenous peoples.  I would not get to keep one drop of crude even though the stuff was bubbling up all over the place.  Clearly the news was either misinformed or the US Army wasn’t doing a good job of selling this “war so other people can have freedom” crap.

    Needless to say I was quite upset with the US Army!  I mean the only reason I joined was because we were invading 3rd world countries and stealing their oil!  Isn’t that how most great Evil Empires start?  What a let down!  Fortunately all was not lost!  You see around about the time I returned from my first tour, this wonderful new thing called “eBay” became available to me.  I found all sorts of things a maniacal genius like me might need; death rays, orgazmo-bombs (a personal favorite) which, when dropped on a population instantly causes everyone to have an overpowering orgasm.  There was even a Gay Smoke Grenade which would cause such extreme homoerotisism in any men unlucky enough to breathe it in that they would be too busy raping each other to do anything else (a real hit with the Evil Psychiatrists Union).  Finally after much searching I was able to find and buy a small African nation on eBay.  It was perfect!  Secluded, in the jungle, and no one really knew about it.  A perfect place to train my new squad of super female ninjas I managed to acquire from the Iraqi populace (for only 15 goats!  A real bargain.)

    But, sadly for me and my evil plans, Mr Murphy was out in full force.  My nation got over-run by some other quasi-nation then all my would be subjects died of Ebola.  That was of course after they were forced to convert to Islam and burn all their currency that featured my face (apparently I’m some kind of devil to Muslims.  Who knew?).  I could not believe my misfortune.  Clearly it was time for something else.  After the Army and I parted ways (they weren’t going to get me to go to this “war for oil” a third time without letting me take home any oil!)  I tried my hand at several schemes, but none of them really had any oomph.

    That was until I got a call from the Democratic National Committee.  These guys were really worried about Obama losing to some guy that had actually run a business once.  There was talk about a bad record or something, I’m not quite sure I zoned out most of the conversation because, well let’s face it this chick was dull as a 5 month old razor.  I perked right up when she told me that I would get minions.  FINALLY I would have minions that were mine to command!  It was pretty simple too.  All I had to do was say really repetitive bad things about this Romney guy, stuff about how he gave me testicular cancer by glaring at me or my grandma went retarded after he made her wear magic underwear (I’ll be honest I wasn’t taking good notes at the talking points meeting) and I would get my very own minions, on loan, from the DNC.  True I’d have to return them, but, c’mon, I GOT MINIONS!

    They weren’t half bad either.  I got four stoners left over from Occupy Wall Street that I only had to toss Cheetos at occasionally and say something about 10%.  Those guys ate that shit up!  I also got an IRS case worker I used to good success to harass the League for American Justice (not to be confused with the Justice League of America) a group of semi heroes that have been hounding me for all my “evil” ways.  There was even talk that I might get a black panther or two.  Ah, those were heady days leading up to that election.  It turned out that one of the Occupy guys knew a guy who knew a guy in Anonymous who wasn’t so anonymous and really liked Obama.  Best part of all he totally believed the 10% gave Romney testicular cancer which he passed off in his magic underwear to Walmart so they could give autism to Asians (I kinda just had to go with it in that one).  I got this Hacktern to change a large percentage of counted votes for Romney to write in votes for Leeroy Jenkins.  There was also a program that drew dick pictures on the smart phones of anyone who didn’t vote for Obama.

    As agreed, when the election was won I packaged up my minions and sent them back to the DNC HQ.  The Lair never felt so lonely.  While my lair certainly needed a cleaning, what with all the bong water, stale Cheetos, and reams of IRS paperwork everywhere, without minions that meant I had to do it my damn self!  I was quite dejected let me tell you.  I’d only got a few DeathBots to work off of Green Energy (Radium isotopes are green) before I had to send my minions back.  I was in such a sad state that I didn’t even notice the Evil Minions Union was threatening a boycott (I’ve apparently been pissing off too many British secret agents and do not have the proper faceless minion life insurance).

    But finally, FINALLY,after months of waiting I got a signed letter from the President thanking me for my hard work, and a promise of more minions on their way.  He seemed particularly interested in my plan to turn American Idol into an actual cult with me as their idol.  I can’t tell you what a relief it is.  This time around I’m going to get only Occupy organizers not the stoner foot soldiers I had before, who will in turn rally minions of their own to my cause.  I’ll also get a whole IRS office, that’s going to find all the loopholes nessisary to make the LAJ pay millions in immagined back taxes.  I’ll also get free license to use a special FBI counter terror team to silence any of those stupid journalists that dare try to uncover my dastardly plots.  Would you believe I’m even getting Homeland Security to protect my lair?  How awesome is that?  It’s like a dream come true!  Best of all I get picked up by Air Force One to play a round of Golf with the President every other Friday.  There’s some loyalty rewards for ya (suck it American Airlines!).

    The only real downside is, for right now I can only take over or invade white, Christian nations.  Well Europe is certainly White, but there aren’t that many Christians there, and apparently I’m not supposed to attack Muslims (even when they burn the currency, and flags with my face on it!).  I suppose I’ll just start with Ireland and go from there, after all when has invading Ireland ever gone wrong?  Hopefully by the time the Deer Leader (I don’t know why he insists on me calling him that.  Seriously, he doesn’t even like venison) leaves office I’ll have enough people converted to Baileyism (like Taoism but more evil) that I can apply for 501(c) status, and finally have my Holy War against that emerging religion Jedi Knight.  Depending on how that goes I’ll try to take on this “atheism” that everyone keeps going on about.  I can’t wait to start my conquest of the world.  Thank you Mr. President for making it possible!

     

     

    Oh, and Mr President, if your reading this, could you please drone strike the shit out of Claude?  He’s my Nemesis and a real dick.  He totally stole my idea for the DemBot Pelosi model then screwed it up!  Anyone can see that’s a robot.  That Douche has got to go!  Please and thank you.

  • I knew it!

    The Duffel Blog, that satire website run by our own StrikeFO, seems to be the only news source reporting that which I’ve suspected for decades – the Air Force is intentionally recruiting all of the hot chicks from high school (present company excluded, of course);

    Some examples found by the congressional report include:

    — Following young girls home from cheer-leading practice.
    — Forging notes and passing them in classes under more popular students’ names.
    — Leaking embarrassing information to unattractive candidates’ boyfriends and parents.
    — Investigating the lives of pop-singers seen as most influential to prospective candidates.

    In addition, investigators said the activities included painting the other services as ugly, rough, dumb and only for the “butch” and “lesbian” girls.

    Law enforcement officials said the best example of the targeting was the secret recruitment of pop-singer Justin Beiber, who included lyrics such as “fly high with me baby” and “you are my wings” in every one of his songs to aid the Air Force. Air Force Recruiting Command, however, repeatedly denied the allegations stating Justin Beiber was just a bad writer and his repeated use of the same lyrics were strictly coincidence.

    Of course, the hotties that come here and aren’t in the Air Force were just smart enough to resist the obvious focused marketing of the Air Force recruiters.

  • Navy Announces New Ship

    The Secretary of the Navy has announced that a new ship will be named in honor of former President William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton.

    In a minor break with recent tradition, the ship to be named in honor of former President Clinton will not be an aircraft carrier.  Instead, a next-generation submarine will be named after the former POTUS.

    This is not without precedent.  Former Presidents Lyndon Johnson and Franklin Roosevelt are currently honored by having Arleigh Burke-class destroyers named after them.  And many other former US Presidents – including Washington, Jefferson, Madison, Monroe, Jackson, Polk, Lincoln, Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, Wilson, and Carter – have been honored by having Navy submarines named in their honor.  Indeed, the naming of a submarine to honor a former US President has at least as much precedent as does the recent practice of naming an aircraft carrier in a former President’s honor.

    (more…)

  • Nanny Bloomberg’s comeupance

    So this is really good satire, and they got me for about a minute, probably because I so wanted it to be true, until I remembered that there’s always something fishy about the Daily Currant. Regardless it’s funny and it’s really too bad that it didn’t really happen;

    I guess Michael Bloomberg, the mayor of New York City who has been limiting choices of New Yorkers in regards to everything from Big Gulps to canned baby formula when a New York pizzeria gave him a dose of his own medicine during a working lunch with New York comptroller John Liu when they realized that they hadn’t ordered enough food. From the Daily Currant;

    “Hey, could I get another pepperoni over here?” Bloomberg asked owner Antonio Benito.

    “I’m sorry sir,” he replied, “we can’t do that. You’ve reached your personal slice limit.”
    Stop and Tisk

    Mayor Bloomberg, not accustomed to being challenged, assumed that the owner was joking.

    “OK, that’s funny,” he remarked, “because of the soda thing … No come on. I’m not kidding. I haven’t eaten all morning, just send over another pepperoni.”

    “I’m sorry sir. We’re serious,” Benito insisted. “We’ve decided that eating more than one piece isn’t healthy for you, and so we’re forbidding you from doing it.”

    “Look jackass,” Bloomberg retorted, his anger boiling, “I f**king skipped breakfast this morning just so I could eat four slices of your pizza. Don’t be a schmuck, just get back to the kitchen and bring out some fucking pizza, okay.”

    “I’m sorry sir, there’s nothing I can do,” the owner repeated. “Maybe you could go to several restaurants and get one slice at each. At least that way you’re walking. You know, burning calories.”

    Sucks, don’t it, Mikey?

  • Oh noes; Phony Veterans Of Foreign Wars Fight Back Against Military Bloggers

    The Duffel Blog, that satire website, uncovers a satirical organization of military phonies who are organizing to come after us;

    “Because of these milbloggers’ relentless assault on our First Amendment-protected right to lie about brief, unglamorous or nonexistent military service,” PVFW chairman Michael Spurwick told reporters, “several of our members have suffered irreparable damage to their reputations, and a few have even had their businesses and careers ruined, after being exposed as frauds. Something had to be done.”

    Spurwick, a former Army sergeant, who was promoted to General before retiring as a Captain, has a long and impressive career of made-up military service.

    “We lost a lot of good men out there,” Spurwick said. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

    There is an element of truth to this, of course. Some of our phonies are trying to organize, but they suck at everything, so we’re not worried. but read the rest of this excellent satire.

  • The Duffel Blog: Female infantry commander

    First let me say that this is The Duffel Blog which is satire, a fact not recognized by many (including US Sentors). But satirist Drew looks at a female commander in the infantry;

    O’Neil was chosen for combat command after distinguishing herself by replacing PT with Zumba classes, outfitting her Marines with different uniforms so no one could argue who wore theirs better, and replacing MRE’s with salads and pints of yogurt.

    O’Neil organized a long distance recon, during which she made her Executive Officer, Major Brad Gramble, carry her rucksack and open jars. Unconfirmed sources say she also refused to wear camouflage face paint, claiming it didn’t match her eyes.

    “She also said her feet were hurting,” said Gramble, “so she commandeered a Humvee but ended up driving it into a ditch.” She screamed in frustration, prompting her Marines to mutter, “must be that time of the month.”

    But you should read the whole thing. Remembering that it’s satire.