Category: Satire

VTWoody and Bam Bam sent us this link to Palookaville Post. Before you get your panties knotted up, its satire like it clearly says in the title, so don’t embarrass yourself;

An intense manhunt for Christopher Dorner that aroused fear across several states and Mexico focused late Thursday on Big Bear Lake, about 80 miles east of Los Angeles, where police found a burned-out pickup truck that belonged to the ex-military and former police officer Dorner.

Throughout the day, Senators Feinstein and Boxer made desperate pleas for their California constituents to turn in their guns and not confront the crazed gunman because this would be a perfect test of their anti-gun proposals.

Have fun with the satire, but Bam Bam threatened to take me off his Christmas list if I didn’t post it, so what choice did I have but to post the satire.

What makes satire funny is that folks will believe it – but it’s satire.

You guys look like you could use a little laughter in your lives, so here’s some more satire that was rejected by The Duffel Blog;

Jared Chrystal, an 18-year-old college student from the State University of New York at Stonybrook was draped over the wingback chair in the trendy Baker Street Cafe of Ottawa, Ontario, for brunch. He picked through the Bruchetta Eggs Benny, which was seated atop giant mushroom caps and sipped at his coffee as he spoke. “As far as I know, I’m the first draft dodger from the US hiding out in Canada since the Vietnam Era” says Chrystal through a mouthful of eggs. “Which is what I’m going for here”.

Even though there is no draft in effect in the United States, Jared has applied for refugee status in Canada. “When I turned 18, my father took me to the Post Office and forced me to register for the Selective Service. He told me that it was the law, and it got me to thinking about the real possibility that sometime in the future, someone might make me do something I don’t want to do, so I did the only thing I could think of…I defected to Canada.”

“My inspiration was Corey Glass” explains Chrystal. Corey Glass went AWOL from the Indiana National Guard in 2006 and fled to Canada, unaware that he’d been discharged on January 1, 2006. Glass became the so-called “Poster Boy” of the deserters in Canada, even though he wasn’t wanted by the Army or any law enforcement agency because he wasn’t really a deserter. Glass still fought for his status as a refugee in Canada despite the fact that he wasn’t a refugee of anything.

“That’s what I’m doing,” said Chrystal, “You know, the Defense Department is making military service so thankless, what with no pay raises, slashing incentive bonuses, hiking retiree healthcare costs, increasing the training time they’ll be requiring from National Guard and Reserve soldiers, they’re going to have to start up the draft just to keep those uniforms filled.”

“You know that after they start the draft, Canada is going to get crowded, so I’m just camping out at the head of the line”.
So what does young Jared do all day? “It’s just like being at college, actually”, smiles Chrystal. “I play video games all day, except when I need to eat. Luckily they give me lots of these Canadian dollars and I can eat in nice touristy restaurants like this one. I don’t know where the money comes from, but then, that’s like college, too. I’d ask my parents for cash and they’d send it to me – same here, except my parents unfairly cut me off, so I have to get this free money from the Canadian government. I think my mom wanted to keep sending money, but my dad wouldn’t let her. He’s such a fascist, you know?”

But doesn’t Jared miss the States? “It is a little tougher here than in the US, I have to walk more than two blocks to get from Starbucks to Starbucks sometimes. Oh, did you notice that they drive on the right side of the street here? I didn’t expect that.”

So, certainly, Canada isn’t going along with this obviously specious refugee claim. Not so according to Jason Kenney, Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism; “Well, we’re not idiots here in Canada,” says the Minister “But what with Saddam Hussein gone, the Taliban with no country to ravage, Gaddafi pushing up daisies, we don’t get many refugees anymore. We have all of this government housing sitting empty, and taxpayer money is just getting moldy in our treasury. Besides, technically, according to our guideline regulations, anyone who doesn’t live in Canada is mistreated by their government.”

We haven’t checked in lately on our favorite journalists who surged to Afghanistan in September aboard their charter champagne flight after days of training. The journalists joined the war as Mobile Training Team Task Force Wordsmith. Their unofficial headquarters has been the Baskin Robbins at Bagram Air Base which has been woefully short of sprinkles the past few weeks.

They finally had an opportunity to train Afghan soldiers yesterday, but it didn’t go well.

It seems that one of the journalists committed the first blue-on-green attack of the war. The attacker has been identified as Greg Jaffe, a reporter from the Washington Post who just this last Spring took time out of his war-fighting schedule to preach to milbloggers at their conference that they had outlived their usefulness since J-school grads know as much about the military as milbloggers know now.

Andrew Tilghman, a staff writer at the Military Times, who demanded that we call him an unnamed source, told us that Jaffe was tasked to train Afghan soldiers on “dime drills” during their marksmanship training, he seemed to snap when Jaffe noticed the soles of the feet of one Afghan soldier in the prone position.

Tilghman explained “I know that it doesn’t mean anything to us Americans, and as journalists we have very few points on our moral compass anyway, but we know what seeing the soles of other people’s feet means over here because of the extensive training we received in the hours preceding our deployment here. Jaffe just started yelling ‘Allah Akbar’ and took out about ten Afghans who were milling around our espresso and bagel station.”

Tobias Naegele, the task force commander, sent us this official statement;

The unfortunate incident which happened yesterday, was obviously triggered when Major (Journalist) Jaffe caught the PTSD from airmen at Burger King on Bagram Air Base. That has been confirmed by our resident excuse-monger, Elspeth Ritchie. Coupled with Jaffe’s decades of reporting on the war from his air-conditioned office in downtown Washington, DC, facing the life of an actual soldier was just too much for him to bear.”

Major Jaffe is currently in custody. He was easy to capture since he immediately began urinating on his victims and taking pictures of Davan Mahara, who was posing with the Afghans, which is all part of our unit SOP, just like the real military. Also, in keeping with DoD policy, we’ve been waterboarding the shit out of Jaffe. Not as a method to extract information from him, but because we can’t get Rick Maze to stop. He’s like a puppy with a new squeak toy.”

Of course, the military is rethinking it’s policy of allowing journalists to train the Afghan military. Sergeant Major of the Army Raymond Chandler explains; “Some of those journalists had tattoos hidden under their tailored LL Bean uniforms. If we had known that before, we’d have known they weren’t going to meet the high standards of the Army.”

Hamid Karzai, President of Afghanistan immediately called for the removal of all journalists in that country. Karzai told reporters from inside his money-counting vault “Look, we have plenty of fourteen year-old girls they can shoot, but we’re running short of military-aged men.”

Of course, this is satire, my second attempt. StrikeFO was right, it’s easier than it looks. Especially when you get to make shit up about real people for whom you have no respect.

Seventy-five journalists from around the nation have formed an infantry company and they’re volunteering their service to the country in the war in Afghanistan. They plan on leaving for the war next week after nearly a week of training in the parking lot outside of The Military Times in Arlington, Virginia.

“We’re tired of being told by milbloggers that we’re just spectators in the war against terror,” declared Greg Jaffe of the Washington Post. “I told milbloggers at their little conference this Spring that their time has passed and that journalists have been at this war for more than ten years and we know as much about combat as they know. Now we’re going to prove it!”

The company commander, Tobias Naegele, who is also the senior editor at Military Times, said “Those milbloggers are just out-of-control these days. I’ve tried to get some of them fired but they don’t seem to work for anybody. So we’ve taken it upon ourselves to put them in their place. I’ve been a senior editor of the Military Times for 18 years, that has to count for something.”

“What’s really messed up,” continues Naegele, “Is that the milbloggers blame us for them having to do our job for us. It’s hardly our fault that we have to primp and preen most of the time and show up in our offices almost every day. Most of them are just sitting around their living rooms in their underwear. They have no fancy parties to attend, and they mostly get their product from us. All they do is punch up our stories with the research we’re too lazy to do. Sure we steal their content without giving them any credit, that’s their fault for being an open source. So who is really the bad guy here?”

Another Washington Post reporter, Thomas Ricks, explained that he was going to Afghanistan to prove that anyone can do it, so that he can confidently claim that veterans don’t deserve a 20-year-retirment. “I’ve been advocating for years that twenty years in the military is a breeze and not deserving of such a brief service period to qualify for retirement. Now I get my chance”, said the 57-year-old SAW gunner, obviously straining under the weight of his 300 rounds of ammunition and the 17 pound weapon.

Los Angeles Times editor, Davan Mahara, who famously released the “atrocity pictures” of US soldiers posing with dead bodies of suicide bombers told us that they’ve been training day and night in preparation for their anticipated deployment next week. “I used to go out to veterans’ cemeteries at night and urinate on the graves all by myself, now I go out with my peeps so we can get a real feel for what the troops are doing in Afghanistan. And we can call it “realistic training”. The camaraderie is infectious. Last night, when we finished training, I went home and tore all of the shrubbery out of my yard like a real Special Forces soldier.

Leo Shane III of The Stars & Stripes said, “We can’t take weapons to Afghanistan, but my friend, Jake Diliberto, who won a tournament for being an Afghanistan Veteran somewhere says that there have been so many deaths in the war, thousands of weapons are just lying on the ground. Surely we can find 75 that are serviceable. Matthis Chiroux confirmed that from his experience there, too.”

“This is total bullshit,” said Wendy Bigelow, an intern with the New York Times from Southern Methodist University. “I just finished a deployment as a staff sergeant with the Texas National Guard and I finally get some time to work on my education and these nimnils are making me deploy again, as a private. And all I’ve been doing is pulling ticks out of Rick Maze’ buttcrack since I got here. I was in charge of a Female Engagement Team, for Pete’s sake.”

The champagne flight to Kabul is scheduled for Wednesday next week, once all of the participants decide which medals and badges they want to earn while they’re deployed.

OK, this my first attempt at satire, so go easy on me, because the people I’ve named in the piece probably won’t.

That satire blog, The Duffel Blog, reports the latest green-on-blue attack that we all kind of wish would happen in which “a man in an Afghan President’s uniform” shoots Leon Panetta, the US Secretary of Defense. Of course, it’s satire, we all know that Panetta is too busy making those bi-coastal trips home to be bothered discussing green-on-blue attacks which kill his troops;

In the chaos that followed, Central Command head General James Mattis rapidly confiscated the pistol, while ISAF commander General John Allen checked to make sure the Afghan president hadn’t hurt his fingers while firing the weapon.

Meanwhile, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs General Martin Dempsey checked Panetta’s pulse and attempted to revive him.

“Is President Karzai alright?” groaned Panetta before passing out.

So, go read the rest. And remember it’s satire.

Yeah, it seems that Stars Earn Stripes couldn’t avoid the satire at The Duffel Blog;

The entire cast of the the military-themed reality television show Stars Earn Stripes has been killed in Afghanistan, according to a statement released today from NBC.

“This is really an unfortunate tragedy,” said NBC Executive Andrew Jacobson. “These stars were trained by real professionals and given lots of fake Hollywood-style action shots. We thought that it would be fitting for the final assault of the season to take place in Afghanistan on the front lines with no help from their professional instructors.”

I’m glad that they gave Nick Lachey the most gruesome death – he really deserved it.

This is probably the best satire I’ve seen come out of the satirical blog The Duffel Blog in a while. And it’s written by StrikeFO;

As part of a “Hiring Our Heroes” campaign, about half of the new employees will be transitioning military personnel that served in pay-grades of E-3 and below.

“These soldiers bring considerable experience in hiding under the desk when someone comes by,” said Shinseki, “and really know how to put forth a convincing story of ‘already being tasked out’ by a non-existent supervisor.”

The new hires will enter training classes over the next few months so that they can “hit the ground sitting,” according to Shinseki, and help streamline the Department. The training classes are set to be two weeks long and will cover a variety of topics.

Did I mention that it’s satire? Well it is.