This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Category: Satire

  • All We Are Is Leaves in the Wind….

    Nancy Pelosi Announces Plans For A House ‘Climate Crisis’ Committee After Flying Thousands Of Miles To A Hawaiian Resort

    There is a Disturbance in the Farce. I can smell it. I can feel the vibrations emanating from it.  There is a certain… je ne sais quoi in all of this, as if – well, Thor is awakening. It’s not exactly wanting to buy the World a Coke and keep it company, you see.

    From the WUWT article in which there are so many embedded links it is simpler to provide a link to the WUWT  spot:

    House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi announced Friday that Democrats would create a Select Committee on the Climate Crisis in 2019, which will be headed by Florida Democratic Rep. Kathy Castor.

    However, Pelosi’s announcement isn’t placating progressives in her party, such as New York Rep.-elect Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who support “Green New Deal” legislation.

    “This committee, if it turns out that the rumors about it are true, sound about as useful as a screen door on a submarine,” Ocasio-Cortez spokesman Corbin Trent, told The Hill. (She has a spokesman???)

    “As it’s portrayed it’s going to be completely incapable of solving the greatest threat to human kind,” Trent said.

    Pelosi, who’s expected to be elected House speaker in 2019, said there’s “tremendous pressure” for Democrats to make fighting global warming a central part of their agenda in the new year.

    Pelosi made her announcement amid a government shutdown after she flew thousands of miles to a luxurious Hawaiian hotel where she was spotted Thursday, according to reports.

    The creation of the House Select Committee on the Climate Crisis is one way Pelosi plans on satisfying progressives without angering incoming committee chairs, like New Jersey Democratic Rep. Frank Pallone, who want to advance their own climate bills.

    “It is with great enthusiasm that I appoint Congresswoman Kathy Castor as the Chair of our new Select Committee on the Climate Crisis,” Pelosi said in a statement issued Friday.

    “She will bring great experience, energy and urgency to the existential threat of the climate crisis,” Pelosi said. “This committee will be critical to the entire Congress’s mission to respond to the urgency of this threat, while creating the good-paying, green jobs of the future.” – WUWT Article

    Now, before you go all “toldja so” on this news, let us reflect solemnly on the potential this has for unifying the Old Guard Democrats – those in middle age or higher – with the Young Far Leftreds and bringing them together.  The possibilities for conjugality and united efforts toward this goal are bountiful and endless. There is, indeed, a New Hope on the horizon…

    So, before you get all jiggy about potentialities for this newly rising relationship, try to look at it the way I do.

     

    And have a Very Happy and Joyous New Year!!!!

     

  • Important Message From General Charles H. Jacoby!!

    I received the following e-mail last night, and am puzzled as to how to properly respond to it. I’m torn between being flattered that someone wants to give me 30% of $38,000,000 Big Ones, and knowing that no matter how earnestly I respond, the Western Union office that used to be next door to the restaurant on the highway is – well, it’s gone, because nobody patronized it, and the cash to which General Jacoby is referring would have to be shipped to me by Fed Ex – and I’m not sure that they’d want that kind of responsibility, unless, perhaps, General Jacoby paid to insure delivery before he shipped the $38,000,000 Big Ones to me.

    Of course, you do realize that I would expect to be rewarded for my endeavors by a considerably larger percentage than a mere 30%. If I’m to guard this cash hoard against all takers, I’d require personal weapons of my own, which requires qualifying for a CCW as well as acquiring an FOID, all of which takes time. There is no instant gratification in this kind of thing. I would also require reinforcement of the walls of my house, or else a new garden shed with a more secure door and lock on the front. Again, this takes time.

    Unfortunately, I might have to be completely honest with him and tell him that my spendthrift gene would flash the “ON” button at the sight and smell of all that moola, and I’d be gone so fast, papers would fly up in my wake.

    Any suggestions are, of course, welcome, and no doubt the good general expects to find his cash hoard intact.  So what say you all?  Tell the general ‘Yes, of course, I’ll take it to help you out”? Or should I be more forthright and tell him he has to ship his entire $38,000, 000 cash hoard to a small regional airport innocuously located at Minot, North Dakota? As I understand it, Fargo is not too far from there. And Minot still does 15 second MITO exercises, so my timing must be impeccable in this matter.

    General Charles H. Jacoby <gen.chj@usa.net>

    Fri 11/2/2018, 1:24 AM

    Recipients

    Greetings,

    My name is  General Charles H. Jacoby, I am an American soldier, presently in Afghanistan for the training, advising the Afghan forces and also helping in stabilizing the country against security challenges. With a very desperate need for assistance, I have decided to contact you for your kind assistance to move the sum of (US$38,000,000.00) Thirty eight Million United States Dollars to you if I can be assured that my share will be safe in your care until I complete my service.

    Some money in various currencies was discovered in boxes at a farmhouse during a rescue operation we conducted in one of the attacks by the terrorists and it was agreed by my colleagues and I that some part of this money be shared among us. The above figure was given to me as my share, and to conceal this kind of money became a problem for me, so with the help of a British doctor working with Red Cross, I was able to get the package out to a safe location entirely out of trouble spot. he does not know the real content of the package, and believes that it belongs to a British /American medical doctor who died in a raid here in Afghanistan, and before giving up, trusted me to hand over the package to his Family.

    I have now found a much secured way of getting the package out of Afghanistan to you for pick up and I will discuss this with you when I am sure that you are willing to assist me. I am ready to compensate you with 30% of the $38 million USD for your assistance.

    I don’t know how long we will remain here, and I was shot. I lost my wife and my little girl in Afghanistan during the attack. wounded and survived two suicide bomb attacks by the special grace of God. This and other reasons I mentioned later prompted me to reach out for help. 70% of my will be used for my investment and start a new life and settle down when i am out of here.

    Please contact me as soon as possible with the following details:

    Full Name:

    Full Address:

    Tel/cell numbers:

    Occupation:

    God Bless you as I look forward to your positive response.

    Truly yours,

    General Charles H. Jacoby.

  • Believe in something.

    Believe in something.

    I wanted to give a short update on things in general.

    It has taken many of us to fill the void.  Most of what we needed to do behind the scenes has been taken care of.  TSO will finish the legal stuff here shortly.  I realize that there have not been a lot of posers posted lately, that is on purpose and my fault.  I apologize for the lapse but there are reasons for it.   We will be back to exposing these fake and embellishing frauds very soon.  Believe me, it’s not like there is a sudden shortage of them.

    I make more than my share of mistakes.  I realize things are not running as smoothly as they were when Jonn was alive…but we are getting there.  I post what seems to serve the mission Jonn set for this blog.  Yes, some articles are probably a bit of old news to some of you and other articles may be on the edge of acceptable to some others.

    It’s all I can do some days to stop a certain woman with a gravy ladle from turning the site background pink and posting pictures of kitty cats chasing rainbows.   This is going to hurt a little…she has done a remarkable job of keeping up with things behind the scenes.  Thank you, Gravy Lady.  You are the best EX I could ever hope for.

    So many others have stepped up as well.  Your submissions have been very, very, very helpful.  AW1Ed  is exactly the kind of person you want around when the shit hits the fan.  He is thoughtful, well organized and the epidemy of what a team player should be.  A huge ATTABOY goes out to Ed.

    I have been trying to get a certain Lawyer to do her job for a change.  I don’t think she likes me much.  I tried to introduce myself to her.  Caragh Fay pretends she is the authority on all things Beirut from time to time.  Seems to me Caragh Fay likes to do it when there is something in it for her.   Maybe she is just sweet on me…hard to tell at this point.

    The Soviet may be correct about me when I try to multitask.  She claims I can talk to people and piss them off all at the same time.  I just get a little pissy when a lawyer who has made millions off of the blood of my dead brothers seems to think its ok to ignore the needs of so many others.  How can someone know I am an Asshole without knowing me?  Is it really that obvious?

    In response to a recent comment,  yes I do get embarrassed sometimes…but its not over anything to do with this blog.  I try to read all of the comments, you people have issues too.  Never met a better group of deplorable trouble causers in my life.

    Forgive us if the content sucks or just gets thin from time to time.  Most of us do have another life.  Best regards to all, and most of all… THANK YOU FOR BELIEVING IN SOMETHING.

     

    The Village Idiot

     

     

  • How To Win a War Started by the Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits

     

    Crossbow Bumpstock

    I read an article on the “revolution” against gun grabbing/confiscation and the numbers, math, how gun owners could form a civilian army, etc.  And it won’t work well, because – well, lack of subtlety is the response.

    A few observations on my part. Guerrilla warfare, as anyone who was in-country in Vietnam will tell you, is not necessarily made up of shoot-shoot-bang-bang. It’s a lot more subtle than that. Pretty girls, for instance, will distract any male human animal (exceptions are noted) enough to take his mind off his target and plant it elsewhere.

    For example, there is black & white film stored on video showing Army trucks with replacement troops rolling into Bien Hoa, while alongside the road, on the dirt berm, all these young Vietnamese women dressed in traditional ao-dais and wearing that common coolie hat were watching and counting. When they thought the camera was on them, they immediately dropped the hat over the face. They were spies, as were the mama-sans and papa-sans who worked on the bases, counting empty racks and newly-made up racks and new duffel bags.

    If you really want to stop the gun grabbers, that asinine scene in conservation area in Oregon state in the winter of 2016 is THE dumbest thing EVER concocted by an egotistical asshole. No wonder it failed.

    You must be far more subtle, if you expect to win a war against Grabbing Your Guns By the Fascist Tits.

    Distracting the Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits while someone sabotages the vehicles isn’t all that hard.  Here are some suggestions:

    – Sabotaging vehicles does not require incendiary devices. That thinking is far too narrow and amateurish. You get a transceiver that picks up the remote key signal which is a radio frequency, clones it, open the door, pop the gas tank lid, and pour sugar into the gas tank. About two pounds should do it. Car thieves are using this cloning  technology now to steal cars without doing any damage to them, especially those with keyless ignitions. Piece of cake.

    – Cut their brake lines enough for the brake fluid to drain out slowly.

    – Pop the hood and cut the battery cables. Or just remove the batteries when you’re done messing with the vehicles.

    – Drain the antifreeze/coolant out of the radiator. There is a plug for that, you know.

    – Removing all the lugnuts from the wheels but leaving the tires in place will result in – what?

    – Try letting most of the air out of three of the tires until they are nearly flat, along with removing the lug nuts and mailing them back to their HQ.

    – As long as you have the vehicle doors open, pour fluorescent neon pink or orange or green paint on the seats, so that it gets on the Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits and stays there for weeks.

    – Remove all the license plates from the rear ends of all vehicles. Mail them back to their HQ from a city you don’t live in. Or use UPS.

    – Have a device that sets off all the alarms in all their vehicles, one after another, and they can’t shut it off because they are locked out. Keys no longer work. How come? Cloned radio frequency on each vehicle changed to a single frequency for all and they don’t have it. Like I said, car thieves do this all the time now.

    – Clone the same GPS signal for as many escape vehicles as possible, and once the Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits are distracted by the signal scatter, shut them off and remove them from your own vehicles, then turn them back on and leave them behind. (And yes, you can shut off your vehicle’s installed GPS, despite what people think.) Just make sure that you have these pursuers so far out in the boonies that they have to ask for directions back to Chicago or NYC or whatever at a local gas station, and maybe buy paper maps to get home.

    – And when they find them and open the doors, make sure you’ve left behind some very angry wasps in their nest.

    – Let them think they are closing in on the “lead escape vehicle” and when they’re all gathered together, release the balloons packed inside. Make sure the balloons have candy bars tied to them, and a way to rupture so that the candy lands on the Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits.

    – Plant a small transmitter in the target Gun Grabbing Fascist Tits’ vehicles that has a recording on it of Woody Woodpecker’s laugh or maybe Bugs Bunny ‘What’s up, Doc?’ – something inane and insane like that, which they can’t shut off because you have to stomp on it to stop it. Maybe under the carpeting next to the door on the driver’s side is a good spot.

    – Peel and put those large self-stick sheets on their windshields and back windows and outside mirrors, and be sure to include messages of “love” on them. Obscene drawings are okay, in this instance. Put them over the headlights and brake lights, too.

    – Know the area so well that you can drive home in the dark with no headlights, only using infrared on the road. Make sure you’re driving a dark-colored car, too.

    Come on, use your imagination. Don’t be so shoot-shoot-bang-bang about it. That’s too amateurish. You don’t want people sending you bags of fruit-flavored dicks in the mail, do you?

  • Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5

    Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5

    Before you spend 2 billion on a submarine, you may want to complete some sea trials in your home first. For those who are brave enough, here are a few state-of-the art suggestions to simulate submarine life in the comfort of your home:

     

    • Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain, shine a $200 flashlight in your eyes, and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack”.
    • Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
    • Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Only view the world through the peephole on your front door.
    • Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than two gallons of water per shower.
    • Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
    • Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don’t go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gauges and indicators every 30 minutes.
    • Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to “High”.
    • Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then watch a different one.
    • Don’t do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
    • (Optional for Engineering Department): Leave a lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
    •Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
    •Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
    •Invite guests, but don’t have enough food for them.
    •Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
    •Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
    •Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli or soup).
    •Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
    •Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
    •Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
    •Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
    •Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
    •Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
    •Check your refrigerator compressor for “sound shorts”.
    •Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
    •Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
    •When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
    •Every so often, yell “Emergency Deep!”, run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots/pans/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your family for not having the place “stowed for sea”.
    •Put on the headphones from your stereo (don’t plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) “Stove manned and ready”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) “Stove secured”. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
    •Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
    •Use Kool-aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
    •Fill laundry baskets with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
    •While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel fuel.
    •Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
    •Knock a glass of water out of someone’s hand and yell ‘SPILL’. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again. Once they have cleaned it up, make them read canister vacuum reviews out loud, this builds character.
    •Request ‘permission to enter’ whenever you go into the kitchen.
    •Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
    •Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them.
    •Whenever someone enters a room you’re cleaning, shout “up and over!” at them so they’ll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
    •Paint the windshield of your car black. Make a family member stand up through the sunroof shouting directions at you on where to drive.
    •Start every story with “This is no-shit“.
    •Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
    •Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename it “The Cow”.
    •Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
    •Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
    •Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting “fire, fire, fire” and then restore power.
    •Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.
    •Paint everything gray, white, or “sea foam” green.
    •Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
    •Make sure every water valve in your home has two backups in line which must all be operated to obtain water.
    •Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
    •All communications with outside family and friends is limited to 40 characters or less. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world.
    •Run a tube from your car’s exhaust pipe into your living room, yell “prepare to snorkel”, and start the car. You must breathe the fumes for one hour.
    •Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost no room to squeeze by.

     

    *The simulator is open-source and may be modified. Feel free to add more suggestions to make the Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5 more realistic.

  • A Potential Solution to the Problem of the Badge

    Having reviewed all the complaints and angst-ridden responses to the possibilities of having to change the EIB/CIB designations from Infantryman to something else, it is safe to say that there is a solution to this problem.

    Instead of the term “Infantryman” being changed to “Infantryperson” or “Infantrytroop”, or some such other birdbrained, braindead, confoundedly idiotic notions, to make it equally applicable to all participants who qualify, the suffix –man can be changed to hominid.

    To use this term requires nothing but a slight understanding of science.

    While modern humans are, indeed, referred to as Humans, the correct scientific name is Homo sapiens. However, in today’s insufferable, smothering, and painfully politically correct environment of spoken and written terms, one cannot use the scientifically correct term ‘Homo’ as it may be mistakenly misconstrued to be an insult to gay people and those occupying all those extra sexes.

    Therefore, the term Infantryhomo could definitely draw ire and noisily angry rebuttal from both sides of the Fence of Sexuality. And of course, one cannot use Infantryhetero because it indicates that the badge earned is only applicable to those not involved in or occupying the LGBTGSGQXRT hemisphere.

    I gave this problem a good deal of consideration and thought over a PB&J sandwich last night, while my cat was begging me for some bacon crumbles after a prolonged stalk and mousekil,l and came up with a possible solution.

    The simplest and most direct way to solve this problem is presented by Science, through the application of –hominid to Infantry, resulting in Infantryhominid.

    I believe that this is completely neutral terminology.

    Now, mind you, this will be sufficient as long as we consider ourselves to be alone in the Universe. However, when we find other species who want to join with us Earthpeople in chasing down and eliminating the Bad Guys, we may have to revise that suffix again to accommodate the needs and desires of those other alien species.

    If they’re essentially Hominid in type, which is to say bipedal, upright, and manually ambidexterous, then it’s not an issue and won’t require another change of vocabulary for a while.

    But if we discover some 6-limbed, 4-legged cavalry types (centaurs) who can gallop, leap an obstacle with ease, carry a rider with a weapon, and also carry a weapon and shoot the Enemy, are we going to exclude them from the Infantry application of the badge? I think not. On the other hand, they might prefer a Cav/Infantry or Heavy Horse specialty designation, plus a personal groom.

    Will it matter if they walk, slide or ooze, as long as they can hold, aim and shoot a weapon? It should not.

    After all, if you were a sentient slime mold that can absorb and dispose of an entire platoon of the Bad Guys and still manifest good table manners in the mess hall while you’re at it, wouldn’t you want to have that acknowledged by your wearing of the Infantry badge?

    I believe that the term Infantry, which is plainly a specialty in warfare now, has been so well into the distant past, and will be so for centuries to come, should continue to have a specialty designation, regardless of the species, physical structure, or personal orientation of the Troop who is wearing it.

    Hence the suggestion of the use of Infantryhominid .

    That oughta make the snot-nosed little SJWs writhe in agony.

  • Are You a Liberal Zombie? Liberal Zombie Q & A

    These day’s Gun control arguments and activism is a taste of the Liberal Zombie Apocalypse. They’re all over the place, on your news-feeds, on your browser, on your social media, on message boards, on the streets, etc. They don’t want your brain or flesh… Just a piece of your gun rights. They want the government to take more of your money, and make it harder for organizations to earn it.

    On top of that, they want to turn you into one of them via their version of “discussion and compromise”. This involves you being in listen mode, while they try to convert you.

    The following is a breakdown of their “line of reasoning”. I saw the original version of this on the old Protest Warrior forms. It was funny, but needed adjustments for easier reading. I improved, adjusted, and expanded on it over the years. This is a humorous take on the profiles of the liberals, embellishers, and phonies that we’ve came across.

    Without further ado:

    Q: First of all, what is a liberal zombie?

    A liberal zombie is a former human that used to have a brain and was once capable of carrying out a debate. Today; however, said individual no longer has a brain and can only parrot leftist/Anti American tripe and drivel; facts are completely useless to him/her. This is also a person that doesn’t believe in personal responsibility and accountability. They choose to blame some outside factor for their demise instead. They’ll utilize the, “But they do it to,” argument in response to your pointing out their errant arguments and actions.

    Q: What kind of defenses do these zombies utilize when shocked into reality by the facts?

    Typical responses to the facts include rebuttals consisting solely of insults but no substance, name-calling, comments such as, “This thread is stupid”, and comments pulled from ones behind — or out of thin air. Other defenses include accusing you of being in denial, of being a phony, of arguing from assumptions, and of arguing from perception.

    One defense used by these zombies is a severe emotional reaction to an analogy that forces them to question their flawed reasoning.

    They’ll also tap dance around straightforward questions that you ask them. Or, they would simply ignore these questions.

    If you want to get an idea of what they will tell you in advance, go watch and read some liberal news sources. Touch up on some conspiracy theories while you are at it. Don’t forget to watch and read foreign news sources as well, like those immediately to the right of Vladimir Lenin. Their reply will certainly be a refresher of these sources.

    There’s a typical defense used by a borderline zombie whose perception of things come crumbling down like a house of cards… Whose misconceptions have been shattered as a result of being exposed to facts and/or logical arguments. This defense comes in the form of accusing you of having no debating skills, of accusing you of being brainwashed, or an accusation that your response had no substance when the facts dictate otherwise.

    Treat these borderline zombies with care, any more exposure to the facts could send them hurtling down the path to becoming full blown zombies. Flaming them with the facts could accelerate this change.

    Q: Where do these liberal zombies come from?

    Most, if not all, liberal zombies begin as thinking human beings. But mainstream media propaganda likes to brainwash their audiences. Brainwashing includes thinking that the USA, its rich people, and its conservatives, are the causes of all of the world’s problems. It also includes making these liberals think that they are only presenting one of many “right” answers. Other people, unfortunately, do a Castro “face dive” into news sources that are based on emotion and not on fact.

    But once facts and logic are applied to their dishonest tomes, leftist propaganda quickly falls apart as their ideology cannot stand up to intellectual scrutiny. Thinking people, on the other hand, are quick to see the facts and are very quick to connect the dots. They’re not suckered into confusing emotions as facts.

    SOME humans; however, cling tenaciously to this leftist line of reasoning in spite of the facts. This causes their brain to literally begin to decay in their skulls. They have the appearance of humans, but – upon closer inspection – their glassy eyed stupefied stare and pungent aroma quickly identify them to be liberal zombies!

    Q: Should I shoot them?

    Heavens NO! You’ll only re-enforce the propaganda that they’ve been forced fed, about veterans, law-abiding citizen gun owners, and conservatives. You’ll end up going to jail.

    Q: Should I debate them?

    NO! This is about one of the most dangerous things a human being can do when confronted by this type of zombie. They’re IMMUNE to facts, to rational thought, and to logical reasoning. Debating them encourages them to repeat their liberal vitriol and drivels and may in fact attract MORE zombies. It’s best to ignore them, or hurl insults at them.

    Q: Do liberal zombies KNOW they are zombies?

    In most cases no, they still think they’re rational human beings. They’re usually completely devoid of a sense of humor.

    There are issues and areas that make perfect sense to them, though facts — current and historical — do not support what they think makes sense. They believe that their drivel makes perfect sense to other people, even when common sense dictates otherwise. They see anyone, that dares to use the facts to discredit their tripe, as brainwashed sheep incapable of coming up with their position… Without rational thought and without instruction by some “right-wing” higher source.

    If someone claims that the liberal media — such as the New York Times, BBC, CNN, MSNBC, and their ilk — are “centrist” or reliable news sources, for example, there’s a 99.99% chance that they’re a liberal zombie.

    A liberal zombie, upon seeing this post, will demonstrate denial by claiming that they could take each of the criteria here and apply them to conservatives.

    This is consistent with their “blame the other guy” mentality.

    The ones that are truly in denial will try to go through this list and explain why they are not liberal zombies, or why others are zombies.

    Q: Are all liberals zombies?

    No, although liberals do have zombie like tendencies, there are many liberals that retain some higher brain functions and can hold an open debate. Then there are liberals that are borderline zombies, as mentioned earlier.

    Warning: too many facts at once can overload a borderline liberal zombie, and fling them into full-blown brain melt down, handle these people gently!

    Note: If you come across a classical liberal, don’t panic, they’re perfectly human and are very capable of analytical thinking. Their liberal like appearance is just a defense mechanism. This also applies to the fair and balanced modern liberals, who have maintained their brain functions. The latter is just being well intentioned and don’t mean any harm, their consistently being wrong should not be mistaken for zombie behavior.

    Q: Are there other ways to spot this type of zombie?

    My word yes!

    Merely mentioning the following will often send any liberal zombie within earshot into a frothy frenzy of spewing utter nonsense:

    * President Trump (or Republican politician),

    * President Trump’s policies and accomplishments,

    * Our right to defend ourselves and to act in our best security interests,

    * Why gun control won’t work,

    * Tax cuts given back in the percentages that they were paid,

    * Responsibility and accountability,

    * Why tax cuts are not income redistribution,

    * Evidence that the liberals are wrong… Or a strong logical argument against liberal tripe,

    Or support for the candidate that believes in these things.

    If you want to quickly spot some liberal zombies, simply talk about liberal zombies. This will cause liberal zombies to come out of the woodworks and go straight for you. Use this trick with care.

    It’s best just to walk away and ignore these zombies when this happens; or hurl insults at them. This may cause them to call you an oil hungry imperialist, fascist, sheep, (well versed in the army doctrine if you are in the military, no matter which branch), brown shirt, brainwashed, NAZI, racist, xenophobic, misogynist, sexist, homophobic, etc., before going away.

    Q: Can liberal zombies ever say anything intelligent? Can we communicate with them?

    The classical liberal and the fair and balanced modern liberals are the types that could hold an intelligent conversation on a regular basis.

    The liberal zombies also can and do say something intelligent once in a while that is NOT 100% retarded. But they usually follow that with name-calling or insults.

    Q: But thebesig, there are conservatives on This Aint Hell that utilize name-calling and insults, does that make them zombies as well?

    If this happens, there’s a very good chance that the recipient of this label is actually an idiot, or what they are described as. This is not an insult on the account that this poster is calling it like it is.

    This is different from someone calling you an idiot because they do not have a factual or logical reply or because they simply don’t like what you said.

    Q: Do these zombies have a sense of humor?

    No.

    Q: If someone doesn’t have a sense of humor does that mean that they’re a liberal zombie?

    They either don’t find you funny or they just simply lack a sense of humor. More criteria will have to be utilized before determining whether someone is a liberal zombie or not. If it’s the former, it’s possible that they take things to seriously. In this case they might become candidates for being real liberal zombies in the future.

    Q: What should I do if I accidentally try to be rational with one of these zombies?

    Quickly realize your mistake, ignore them, and then walk away – OR hurl insults at them until they call you an imperialist, fascist, brown shirt, brainwashed, in denial, xenophobic, misogynist, racist, homophobic, etc. and walk away.

    Q: Hey thebesig, what do you do when the liberal zombie just won’t go away?

    One common zombie fighting tactic is to instantly reply to their post with a cut and paste from a site that has nothing to do with the original thread, let me give you an example:

    Thread title: Man-made global warming is real!

    Your initial reaction is to debunk this with facts, but remember; this is NOT a rational human that we’re dealing with here, but a liberal zombie. Respond to the thread with cut/pastes from sites that have nothing to do with the original post. For example, an article on someone going full bore “trigglypuff”, a copy and paste of a sports event, or growing garden plants. Remember, Google is your friend!

    Using President Donald Trump’s tweets greatly offends these zombies hint hint!

    Q: Dear thebesig,

    What should we do if we are accidentally bitten by one of these zombies? Their soulless behavior isn’t contagious, is it?

    Please… I need answers quickly… I’m starting to feel like… like… like…. I…Am… Feeling… triggered!

    Liberal zombie conversion is not spread by bites. It’s self-inflicted when a rational thinking human being clings tenaciously to leftist mantras in spit of facts and logic proving otherwise. Their brain suffers a massive meltdown and begins to rot in their skulls.

    If you “feel” like you are becoming a liberal zombie, put the iPhone, iPad, games, etc., down and get a job… The feeling will soon pass.

    Q: Hey thebesig, are there other types of zombies that I should be aware of?

    There are these anti-western zombies that despise anything western and do not restrict their hatred to the US. These zombies honestly think that without western civilization, the world would be a utopia paradise with ever lasting peace. The criteria used on liberal zombies applies to these zombies as well.

    Also, there’s the “Stolen Valor” zombie. These guys will do things like tell you about the nature of their service. Then, when you ask them questions about their service, they’ll tell you that “it’s secret” or “classified” or something like that.

    Q: Thebesig, what do I do when name-calling does not work?

    If this liberal zombie is immune to name calling (a rare and extra annoying type of zombie) then simply say, “Oh be quiet!” Then walk away. Don’t waste your time with these zombies, you’ll get better reception arguing with the walls.

    Q: What’s the best way to recognize one of these zombies on websites like this?

    Watch for the “clever” – you got under my skin – responses to this post.

  • Thanksgiving Guest post from MCPO

    The Master Chief sends us this instructional video for Thanksgiving Day. I know it’s a little late in the day for turkey hunting advice, but it took me most of the day to get the file to YouTube;

    Also in the Thanksgiving spirit, for all of you sociopaths who aren’t on Facebook;