Category: Satire

  • I Wanna Be A Navy SEAL!

    Haven’t posted here in a while, but I need some help from you folks so…

    The wife and I are wintering in Florida and this powerful urge is becoming to much for me to bear so I’ve decided to give in to it.

    I need help figuring out where to get all them pins and medals to put on my new uniform. Oh yeah, and I need to know where to get a uniform as well. I figure I’m going to be, at least, some retired officer level SEAL. And I’ll need help to fix my discharge papers to reflect my new status.

    I’m thinking I’ll need medals/ribbons for service in all those foreign wars and Secret Squirrel missions I seem to have participated in. I am open to suggestions from you, but I don’t want so many that my new uniform won’t fit right.

    BTW, I mentioned above that I’m in Florida. I’ve been here for a coupla months, but this nagging need only started a few days ago. I was reading on TAH about the phonies down here and something clicked. Or maybe it is something in the water? Also some of you can be a bit harsh when dealing with us Forida Phonies so I’ll ask that you save that until I post a picture here. I am certainly you will be impressed and not feel the need.

    Thanks folks. I’ll do my best to make you proud to have me around.

     

     

  • The Answer to Yet Another Age-Old Question

    It’s no secret that some men get monumentally stupid where sex is concerned.  For decades, people have wondered, “Why?”

    Well, I’ve finally figured that out.  It’s the Left’s fault.

    The Left has foisted political correctness on our society.  Previously, we spoke plainly – even if that offended someone.  We used words that meant what, well, the words meant.

    If we were talking about a pointy-ended shovel, we called that tool by its proper name:  a “spade”.   The word “retarded” meant someone whose mental development fell far behind their chronological age.  A street criminal could be called a “thug”, and someone who was crippled was called a “cripple” – because that’s what they were.

    People were expected to know the correct meaning of words.  And if the truth hurt . . . tough.

    Political correctness has put an end to that.  And it’s had an unfortunate side effect on males.

    You see, political correctness demands the use of euphemisms for damn near anything that might possibly offend.  And the chief spokesperson for the Left’s highly prolific and vocal Feminist Advisory Team has made it abundantly clear that being male – and especially anything referencing the male genitalia – has been deemed to be “most offensive”.

    As a result, men have been forced to come up with a near-infinite list of euphemistic references for the penis (oh, sorry, PC Police – you probably wanted me to say “detestable man-part”) than you could shake     yer     a stick at.  I won’t bother to list them here; I don’t have all day, and I wouldn’t be able to list all of them in any reasonable amount of time anyway.

    Hell, the list of acceptable euphemisms even changes periodically.  At one point, the term “dork” was an acceptable, if perhaps a bit crude, euphemism for the human male member.  Now, per the PC Police, using that term is verboten – because it might offend someone who was      clumsy      “coordination-challenged” or “socially awkward”.  Geez.

    The result is predictable.  When the subject turns to sex, it now takes 99+% of the capacity of the larger head just to search through the list and determine what “acceptable, politically-correct mot du jure” must be used when talking about the second head on that particular day.  Folks, that doesn’t leave a helluva lot of mental capacity for either rational thought or impulse control.

    So, yeah – of course men will sometimes act stupid when the subject is sex.  It’s damned hard for anyone to be smart when virtually all of their mental capacity is occupied in simply determining what term for “ol’ Willie” is acceptable for use today.

    I mean, really – when you can’t even call a “spade” a “spade” lest you offend someone . . . is there even a prayer that you can just call a “dong” a “dong”?

    As I said above:  it’s the Left’s fault.

    That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.  (smile)

  • LANDNAV MIA Lieutenant Mistaken for Bigfoot and Shot

    Senior enlisted advisor, 1SG DeOrchard, couldn’t believe his eyes. While on break, from his motivational speeches during the weekend drill, a member of his specialist mafia caught his attention. This hide and seek champion didn’t normally leave his hibernation spot unless it was something real good… Like release for lunch or for the day.

    Specialist Johnson-Donaldo came across news that talked about Mark Hunter and his Big Foot catch in Washington. “Big Foot” looked familiar to DeOrchard, 1SG for the Army Reserve’s 503trd Tactical PSYOP Company situated at the Air National Guard base in Duluth, MN.

    The First Sergeant’s suspicions grew when Mr. Hunter claimed that he used pork ribs to trap and shoot the big creature. The Second Lieutenant, Dillon McRob, loved pork ribs. The 99th PSYOP Battalion, parent to the 503rd, contacted the Department of Defense DNA lab to verify McRob’s DNA with the University of Washington.

    The University of Washington and the Department of Defense confirmed that “Big Foot” was actually Second Lieutenant Dillon McRob. This ended his stubborn insistence on remaining on the unit’s nonparticipant/unsatisfactory list.

    McRob got lost during a land navigation exercise back in January, 2016.

    “I couldn’t understand how we could’ve lost someone during land navigation,” explained MAJ Oysterman, CO for the 503rd, “all of the land navigation points were along Grinden Drive, straight onto Airport Road, left on Mustang Drive, left on Deuce, Deuce to Starfire, left on Phantom drive and back to the start point.” The CO explained that the unit ran this route the morning prior to LANDNAV. It’s an easy route to follow.

    A team of secret squirrels reported to the base to replicate the land navigation exercise; they found twice the number of points in 10 minutes despite drinking a couple shots of liquor between points. Said one secret squirrel, “I didn’t even need a compass, protractor, or GPS; the points just jumped out at you! You could see them from the starting point!”

    Meanwhile, Mr. Hunter has more than being shamed for a previous Big Foot hoax to worry about. The casualty recovery team had barely started preparing Dillon McRob’s remains for transport to autopsy when police charged Mr. Hunter with murder.

    Back at the 503rd, SFC Perezoso shook his head in dismay, “If only I nailed pork ribs on his points, 2LT McRob would’ve found all his points in minutes. He’d still be with us today, I would’ve received a good NCOER, and I’d be a Master Sergeant!”

  • Clinton Comes “Clean” on Benghazi

    Well, she’s finally done it. Former SECSTATE Hillary Rodham Clinton has come clean!

    She recently provided another 2,000 emails from her private email system to the House committee investigating Benghazi. So she must have released everything!

    Yes, there’s a two-month gap in the emails released by Ms. Clinton to that House Committee. That’s because there simply weren’t any relevant emails from that private account from the months of May and June, 2012, in the material released. Per the State Department, “only those emails related to the security of the consulate or to the U.S. diplomatic presence in Libya were made public”.

    It’s irrelevant that May and June 2012 were a time of escalating security issues in Libya. What does it matter now that on 22 May 2012, the IRC office in Benghazi was struck by RPGs? Or that on 6 June 2012, an IED blew a 12 foot hole in the US Consulate’s wall?  Those incidents weren’t something about which Clinton corresponded with anyone from here “private” account.  In fact, that must mean there simply was nothing of note “related to the security of the US consulate or to the U.S. diplomatic presence in Libya” about which she corresponded with anyone from her private account during  those two months – unlike the months immediately preceding and afterwards. Isn’t that obvious?

    The fact that the pre-release review of those email messages recently released appears to have been done by Clinton’s lawyers and not by the State Department or Congress is a mere coincidence.  It’s understandable that they’d conduct such a review, since emails from her private account for that time are particularly sensitive; this was also the time that Clinton’s close aide Huma Abedin was obtaining her “special exemption” to work for Clinton as both a government employee and an employee of the Clinton foundation.  We all know that was completely legit and aboveboard.  Besides – Clinton’s lawyers would never put protecting their client’s interests ahead of fully disclosing the truth!

    No, chicanery, political CYA, or obstruction couldn’t possibly have been the reason for the lack of independent review, or for the gap covering May and June.  No Clinton would ever withhold information, fail to testify fully, or shade the truth about a material issue of fact.  Her husband’s conduct while POTUS proves that.  So does her own past conduct while First Lady and afterwards – as well as while a member of the House Judiciary Committee investigating the Watergate Scandal.

    No, nothing to see here at all; we’re done here. Next topic!

    In fact, how about everybody just leave the lady alone.  I mean, really – she barely has time to get a $600 hairstyle in NYC these days due to all of these impertinent questions!   And because of the crush, her doing so requires so much security that it means a rather large building has to be put on virtual lockdown!  But like her husband proved at the LA International Airport years ago:  getting a reasonably-priced haircut of is necessary from time to time, so she simply has to do it!

     

    (Yeah, the above is sarcasm.  Anyone who’d swallow all of that at face value has my sympathy.)

  • Who Can It Be Now?

    Thru the “majik” of the Internet, I ran across some youthful photos of . . . well, that’s the problem. The link went down before I could read the bio info.

    So, folks – we need your help. Who might these two photos be at age 15 or so? Does anyone know them?

    No, neither of them is me. I didn’t comb my hair in a pompadour when I was that age, and still don’t.

    And I’m pretty sure neither is a youthful Colin Hay from Men at Work, either. (smile)

    Remember, please keep it clean. At least mostly. (smile)

  • The latest Stolen Valor video

    The latest Stolen Valor video

    I’m only posting this so you guys don’t think I didn’t see it.

    Language Warning!!!

    I hate to ruin it for you, but the fellows who made the video admit that it is parody or satire whatever you want to call it.

    It’s pretty funny.

  • Remembrance of Elections Past

    In “loving” memory of the Duke of Duval, Landslide Lyndon, Da Mayor and his Daley Machine, JFK/1960 – and with apologies to the late Warren Zevon:

     

    They Vote When They’re Dead

    There’s plenty to do after they buy the farm
    They vote when they’re dead
    Who says it’s wrong? This will protect our cause from harm
    They vote when they’re dead

    The election judges all are bombed on gin
    They vote when they’re dead
    Election results, they’re twisted again
    They vote when they’re dead

    Well, they “cast” their votes just as prescribed
    They vote when they’re dead
    And if that don’t work, then somebody gets bribed
    They vote when they’re dead

    I’ve got a .38 special up on the shelf
    They vote when they’re dead
    If our side don’t win, maybe I’ll shoot myself
    They vote when they’re dead

    There’s plenty to do after they buy the farm
    They vote when they’re dead
    Who says it’s wrong? This will protect our cause from harm
    They vote when they’re dead

     

    Remember that “progressive” mantra, everyone: Make sure you register to vote. Then vote early, vote often – vote forever!

    . . .

    PS: Just in case you’re having trouble recognizing the tune – here’s the original.

  • You Knew It Was Gonna Happen . . . .

    The Duffel Blog has ripped Walsh a new one for his “the PTSD made me do it” BS.  Their article is a hoot.

    You can read the article here.  Recommended.