Author: TSO

1) the lass is lovely.
2) Bosoms!
3) To point out how awesome the Ravens are
4) Because the dude on the right is many commenters long time nemesis, and my battle buddy VTWoody, who is once again featured in a pictorial.

VT Woody and I will be appearing at the Crystal City Sports Bar in Virginia this weekend, and by appearing I mean sitting at the bar squabbling about something assinine. Join us if you care to!

ADDED: Woody points out that in a past life he was “Southern Democrat” although he is neither southern nor a democrat. And for clarification, we will be at CCSB on Sunday for the football games, since the Ravens are away, and apparently cheerleaders don’t do away games. (Yes, he really is a cheerleader, and it’s surprisingly less gay than you might imagine, you’ll just have to trust me on that one.)

And my favorite phony, John Kerwin Williams.  You remember “John” from this horseshit:

 

The poser in question goes by the name Jhon Kerwin Williams who claims to be a Lt in the 101st (2006-present). Oh he is a pilot too along with another faker by the name Keith Underson.(2005-present) Who also is claiming the same unit, rank and job. Both do not show anything on AKO.

There is no way he is named John, so I prefer to think of him as “4th Lieutenant Assholio Douchenozzle IV”. Anyway, I shouldn’t pick on him because he is STILL deployed with the 101st Chairborne Facebook Commando squadron.

Here he is deployed, about ready to head out on Patrol again. I don’t notice any obvious problems with his uniform, grooming standards or farcical totally real looking hootch, do you guy?

And, he’s still less literate than a retarded wallaby with tourettes.

im back,2dayz 1night in airbase…imiss ma hony Sarra Rotil Basirul;)

Jhon Kerwin L Williams
TiMe For DuTy AgAin,,,
HavE a GooD WeekendS WorlD”
101st AIRBORNE DIVISION IS WATCHING YOU BACK

Jhon Kerwin L Williams
FUCK THE WORLD;
I HATE LIARS,,,
I FEEL SOOOOOOO
STUPID AND HURT DAMNNNNN…..

I would go and tell all his friends on Facebook that he is a lying asswipe, but all his friends are literally him in other disguises. I could do the actual research, but there appear to be about 15 identities that he uses to prop himself up. This sad little pud puller is standing on the fulcrum between annoying the piss out of me, and amusing me to no end.

Here’s his Facebook page.

I’ve reported it to Facebook so many times they won’t even let me do it again. I guess they just don’t give a shit, but I have a hard time believing that his stories aren’t a lead-up to some sort of scam or other.

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch’intrate!

Wait a minute….so this chick threatened to molest the neighbor’s dog, and now we let her near our bovine?  Seems a bit like hiring Herbert the Pervert from Family Guy to be your kindergarten teacher doesn’t it?   Also, are we entirely certain stupidity doesn’t melt steel?

 

 

Just kidding, we should applaud Rosie and the Dog Molester here.  What the picture doesn’t adequately show is that this was the line at MEPS.  I’m assuming from the girth that they are going Air Guard or something.  Andy Dick was standing right in front of them looking for a few good men with seamen.

Yup, yesterday was the great coming out day.  Some dude told his dad via video from Germany, and I told my dad I was rooting for the Yankees.  Apparently one of us was proud.

Heard in the barracks yesterday:

Soldier 1:  Is that guy a gay?

Soldier 2:  Nope, it’s just Chuck Testa.

Soldier 1; How about that guy?

Dave Hester:  Yuuup!

 

As expected, yesterday was a madhouse, a veritable frenzy of buggary, feather boas and leather chaps.  And the lines at recruiting centers were so long that well-dressed physically fit males were turned away in droves.  Well, either that or virtually nothing happened.  One or the other.

 Back to the dog molesting thing, from the “Dude, what is wrong with you people” file:

 The Chinese government has banned a traditional carnival in the east of the country in which dogs are eaten after being chopped up alive in the street following a public uproar that the festival was cruel, state media reported on Wednesday.

If there is one immutable fact in life, it is that Nick Cage is an omni-present, time travelling, supernatural being.  When last we encountered him, he was fighting off a naked man with a fudgecicle.   Then he was appearing in a picture from 1870 (which I think they stole from the movie 12 Monkeys):

 

(more…)

OK, so yesterday’s features didn’t get nearly the love I had hoped for. In fact, my Council of Elrond quip was like a Top 10 quote in the history of the internet. Now, no one beats a dead horse like me, and (of course) the dude that beat the horse in front of Neitsche that drive him nuts. So, these beatings will continue until morale improves up in this heartless den of crazy person-haters.

From the “I just came up with a new band name” file:

There also was talk of replacing the carpeting and Weiner’s office chair, the insider said.

But Turner, who attended a whirlwind of meetings all day, waved off questions about office decor and Weiner residue.

For those that didn’t know, I used to play the cowbell in the band “Tom Brady made me have an oopsie in my superman underoos.” We opened for 50 cent once.

Anyone have a clue what in the hell is going on in Arkansas?

Police have received two complaints in the past week about a man who seems desperate to suck women’s toes — whether they want him to or not.

Last Saturday, Ruth Harris, 83, told police she was sitting in a chair in front of her apartment when a man approached and said he liked her feet. According to a police report, the man took off one of her shoes and began sucking on her toe.

One freak is understandable, two is grounds to be tossed from these United States…

It is not the first time that Conway has dealt with this sort of complaint. In the 1990s, a man who was known as the “Toe Suck Fairy” kept Arkansans captivated with his foot fondling antics in Conway and Little Rock.

That assailant, Michael Robert Wyatt, pretended to be a podiatrist in order to fondle and suck a Conway woman’s toes at a clothing store. He received probation, a fine and court-ordered therapy but his probation was revoked after he was arrested in another town on similar charges.

You know who doesn’t suck toes? Chuck Testa:

And you know who could use the services of Chuck Testa, and the Ojai Valley Taxidermy? Robert Jeffrey Young and Mark Rubinson, that’s who.

In a real-life version of the movie “Weekend at Bernie’s,” two men drove around with a dead friend’s body, used his ATM card and visited a strip club, police said.

According to the Post, an affidavit accused Young and Rubinson of leaving Jarrett’s body in the car while they drank at a bar on his tab Aug. 27.

Investigators allege the men stopped at a restaurant, returned Jarrett’s body to his home, used Jarrett’s ATM card and withdrew $400 at a teller machine at Shotgun Willie’s strip club before reporting Jarrett’s death.

News you can Use:

Whether you call them a restroom, loo, lavatory, toilet, or “the facilities,” they are always an important part of being on the go. With this in mind the members and editors of travel website VirtualTourist.com (www.virtualtourist.com) have compiled this list of the “World’s Top 10 Toilets.”

Among other places one might drop a duece is at Madonna’s:

Madonna Inn; San Luis Obispo, CA

It only makes sense that one of the world’s quirkiest hotels would have one of the world’s quirkiest restrooms; a waterfall urinal that comes to life when used. We can only imagine the surprise of the uninformed.

Kinda reminds me of the time I tried to drink from a bidet at a hotel in New Haven, CT. Honestly, their water tasted like shit.

Speaking of shit, this little guy better start consolidating his, because I need to mow the lawn today, and I usually do so barefoot wearing only a banana hammock and Carmen Miranda’s hat.

(Oh, and yes, that is my Boston Terrier “Fenway” although Jamie pointed out that the Sox suck, and I should rename him “The Ballpark at Arlington”.)

A few weeks ago I had a few beers into me, and in the presense of my wife told an ill-thought out story about November 28, 1995 was the best day of my life. For those who don’t remember that day with the crystal clear (if Guinness tainted) memory that I have, from the Boston Globe:

AUBURN HILLS, Mich. – From now on, don’t believe a thing John Calipari says. The man cannot be taken at his word. Throughout the preseason, the University of Massachusetts coach said his program was perched on the panic button. He said his team could not defend, could not hit the open man and didn’t play with passion and emotion.

Nonsense.

The same players that cried after a subpar effort in an exhibition game against a Russian team scored one of the biggest wins in school history last night, a 92-82 dismissal of top-ranked Kentucky in the second annual Great Eight tournament at the Palace of Auburn Hills.

Clearly the wife felt that I should have either clarified “Greatest day in my sports watching life” or moved it to second after my wedding day. Fair enough. Now, on my wedding day, I did not cry, although the chin did quiver a bit. I was saved from any crying by my amusement of watching my best man “Brown Neck Gaitor” drop the wedding ring, and having it come perilously close to rolling under the gazebo.

Well, tonight, I guarantee I cry, when I watch Darth Maul Bill Bellichick on the NFL Network in ‘A Football Life: Bill Belichick’. Since we found out the Maggie was the one that shot Mr. Burns, has there ever been a bigger TV show?

Note: I missed the entire comeback against the Yankees in 2004, as well as the Super Bowl (check that, I meant the World Series, picture of me during that SB is below), since I was doing Army stuff. I do however cry every time I see “4 Days in October.”

Anyway, who is with me? I know Tim is. Anyone else?

(Me on far right in Pats headgear, watching the Pats win the Superbowl from Afghanistam)

Ncholas cage was woken up by a naked guy with a fudgecicle. If my wife had a nickel for everything that happened at our house. Actually, the other day I decided to take Ambien, then make mac and cheese which I promptly spilled in the bed, and then attempted to cover with a towel. But yeah, naked man + fudgecicle = #losing.

Some jackass tried to sneak snakes into the country in his underwear. This on the heels of another dude having an Eel swim up his pintu. Seriously guys? This is why I wear a condom 24/7. Ok, it’s not a condom, it’s a thimble and some ducktape, but you get the idea.

For years I have been screaming from the Mountain Tops that Journey is evil, and Matt Burden wouldn’t listen. Well, I was right. I would rather have the Eel take up refuge in my junk than listen to Journey. But you know who loves Journey? Satan.

Tedy Bruschi is right, Ochoincompletion needs to set aside the Twitter and contemplate how he got 14 yards on the day Brady threw for 17000 miles. You know who doesn’t use twitter? These guys who were arrested for not having reflectors on their buggys. (BTW- Dude on top right, last I saw you you were at the Council of Elrond! How you doing my man?)

The Country that Had No Gays has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. There’s a joke somewhere in there about Tom Brady, Vlad Putin and me on a tilt-a-whirl wearing banana hammocks, but I can’t formulate it right now.

Closing out is my “usually I have to pay extra for this” file….

Milton Ellis, 69, told police in St. Petersburg, Florida, that he and Josephine Smith, 22, met on the street and went to the porch of a vacant restaurant to get out of the rain. He said he fell asleep in his motorized wheelchair and woke up to find Smith on top of him.

Ellis told authorities that she said, “I’m a vampire. I am going to eat you” and then began to bite him.

Over/under on her weight versus Albert Haynesworth…..Girl ain’t no vegan.

UPDATE: Jonn found a picture of the vampire chick from the Scandis. Kinda looks like the girl from Roseanne. Think her name was Tom Arnold. (See what I did there?)

Random fact I shared on facebook earlier. Cash’s great nephew was my knob roommate at The Citadel. Carey Cash (whose sister was Ms America) later went on to be a Chaplain in the Marine Corps, and the first such Chaplain to get into Baghdad. He is now the Chaplain at Camp David, and thus (I guess) Obama’s pastor. Heck of a nice guy. I imagine he hated me, and I can’t say I blame him, I was a jackass. He was the Center on our football team.

He is the author of “A Table in the Presence.”