Author: TSO

Look, I’m a conservative. Generally I prefer GOP voting records to DEM ones. But the odd thing is, I like Democrats better (personally) for some reason. I honestly don’t know why that is. My favorite politician will likely always be Jim Marshall. But there are a few others like Chet Edwards, Stephanie Herseth, Mike Michaud, and Brian Baird who I always liked, often despite their actual votes. (In fact, I’d be hard pressed to come up with any reason to vote for Baird other than that he came around on Iraq after talking to the troops.)

So last week I got a call at work from John Gregg. Most of you won’t know who he is, but any Hoosiers will remember him as the dude with the moustache that ran for Governor. Now, he lost, but it was significantly closer than most suspected. I told him when I met him that I would vote for him because he seemed such a nice guy, but I also told him that I had nothing against his opponent, Mike Pence, who is now our Governor. In fact, one time I was seated next to Mr Pence on an airplane flying from DC out here, and he was a wonderful, cerebral sort of guy. Plus, he was sitting in economy, which pleased me. Not exactly setting the world on fire with his charisma, but seemed pretty solid.
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Don’t think I have shared this yet.

Great guy to talk to. Going to work on the piece I am writing for the magazine today.

For the North Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the West Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the South Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

 

 

EAST REGIONAL BIOS

1)      Phillip Dale “Monkeyass” Monkress

Monkress is basically the worst Jedi in history:

Monkress: This isn’t the Native American you are looking for.

TAH: Dude, why are you waving your hand in front of my face?  I wasn’t looking for a Native American, and the BIA says you are 3/128 Indian.  My puggle has more Cherokee in him that you.

Monkress: I’m a Navy SEAL.

TAH: No you aren’t dumbass, we talked to Sith Lord Shipley and he says there’s no record of you.

Monkress: I never claimed to be a Navy SEAL.

TAH: Stop waving your hand like that, you look ridiculous.  Also, Google yourself man, you’ve claimed it all over the damn place.

Monkress: I’ll sue you.

TAH: Yeah, I’ve heard that one before, and no one ever follows through.  Besides, I sent my address to be served the suit to your lawyer, and she didn’t even respond.

Monkress: I’d stay and fight, but I have to get to Coruscant for an Imperial gathering.

TAH: Oh, you mean your latest DUI charge?  Yeah bro, hope that doesn’t work out for you.

 

16) Jeffrey “Don Juan” Elvington

 

Elvington conned at least five women by pretending to have different professions, including chef, military serviceman and private investigator, authorities said. They are seeking the public’s help in identifying other victims.

No half-stepping in this dude. In order to have four combat jumps like those four stars on his jump wings indicate, Elvington would have had to jump into Iraq with the 173rd in 2003, into Afghanistan with the Rangers in 2001, Panama in 1989 and Grenada in 1983. He looks legit to me because no phony would leave out the CIB.

BTW- A little birdie told me he was arrested two days ago on more felonies and the LAPD is holding a news conference about him today.

 

8) Jesus Angel “Paintball SEAL” Gomez

 

Dude looks like something out of Chronicles of Riddick.  According to our source:

There’s this young guy that occasionally comes up from Miami to play with our group (I’m in Orlando) and he starts telling us these stories about his team captain who’s a Navy SEAL, etc.   Something is setting off my BS meter like crazy with this guy. From his claims, to his wearing of woodland MARPAT with Navy tape full color flag and Army Special Forces longtab, to his facebook profile photos of the Trident and MOH. The guy screams poser and I’d love to see him exposed if he’s not legit.

Wish granted bro.

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For the North Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

For the West Regional Bios, CLICK HERE.

A quick note:  as Nietsche once said, “Battle not with monsters lest ye become a monster; and if you gaze into the abyss the abyss gazes into you.”

All these sad sacks of shit actually made me sad today.  So I’m telling you up front, this is perhaps the worst round of bios I ever wrote.  My soul just feels beat up.  It started with Crocheron and lasted all the way to the end.  I just want to go home and mow my lawn and try to forget these people exist.  Unfortunately, cutting grass won’t even start to assuage my sadness and anger towards these people.

So, my sincere apologies on this one.  I have no good one-liners in here, and I’m feeling a ton of hate in my heart for them right now.  That almost never happens.  Literally, almost never.  Sure, I get upset at them like everyone else, but it generally goes away when I see the kind deeds of others.  Not with this crew.  Not looking for a pick me up, just wanted to explain that these folks suck, and offer my sincere apology.

Now, as you know, I usually have some decent video at the end.  Today I am starting with it.  I had a better song picked out, but this one suddenly appeared in my mind’s eye as I went through this today. 

I have re-written history
With my armies of my crooks
Invented memories
I did burn all the books
And I can still hear his laughter
And I can still hear his song
The man’s too big
The man’s too strong

SOUTH REGIONAL

 

1) Kenneth “Ghoul” Crocheron

 

Marky is a little boy who suffers from a rare “disease called retro-peritoneal fibrosis which simply means there’s a fibrous coating of crud all over his organs. His prognosis is unknown, since the disease is so rare.”  He loves the military, as can be seen from the pictures of him there.  Well meaning soldiers and veterans have gone out of their way to treat him the way he deserves.

Enter Green Beret Colonel Kenneth Crocheron who showed up to befriend this valiant child.  Only….well, I’ll let his mother say it:

Colonel, Uncle Kenneth Crocheron is a FAKE.  This week it was finally confirmed and proven that our former beloved family friend, Ken, has been deceiving us for the 10 yrs we’ve known him…..deceived many many more innocent family members and friends and co-workers over the last 40+ yrs.  He IS NOT a Green Beret, IS NOT a COLONEL, or any other army officer. IS NOT honorable in any way, regardless of the GOOD DEEDS he may have done for our family, it was all under the guise of rescuing us and trying to impress us with his clout.

Seriously, what kind of shitbag do you have to be to pull this off?

I know this is getting long for a bio, but listen to the anguish here:

He has deliberately insulted EVERY military serviceman that has ever sacrificed for our country….We are beyond hurt, beyond belief, beyond pain. No words can handle this.

Shocked and betrayed.

[Our prayers are with you Marky.  I saw your last update was good, and we’ll be thinking of you.]

16) Richard “Coke and a Smile” Sandberg

Trading bombs to get cocaine to enjoy “recreationally” with your hot wife?  Sure, who among us hasn’t on occasion done that?  But…

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To read the NORTH REGIONAL BIOS, click here.

1) Shane “High School to Panama” Ladner

As students enter their final year of high school, many focus on academics and getting good SATs.  Not Shane Ladner, who was focused on his secret mission to Panama.

I was involved in a firefight in Panama City. My squad was on patrol and we were ambushed by Panamanian Defense Forces. We were under heavy fire and pinned down. I was engaging the enemy when I heard an explosion behind me. I felt an intense burning sensation on my back as well as excruciating pain in my abdomen…When I recovered from my wounds I served throughout Central and South America, Cuba and Africa.

That lie there would eventually result in his wife losing her leg when a train hit his float at a parade.  Since his fake missions in Panama he’s also been to OIF and OEF, became a cop, got fired as a cop, got his lawyer to submit a faked DD214, and been featured on the news.  This young lad has a hell of a fake career ahead of him.  He could be one of the greats.  He might be the stolen valor equivalent of Jim Plunkett.

 
16) Jeff “Holy Moley” Burtt

 

I don’t even know what to say about this barrel of monkey spunk.  He appears to have a giant mole on his face, and I can’t stop looking at it.

Dude, lather that thing in brie and have a rat gnaw it off.  I can’t even get started on your earrings with that thing staring at me. 

 8) Michael “Shoulda stayed mute” Campbell

 

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NORTH REGIONAL CONTESTANTS

1) Tina “Lightfoot on a heavy horse” Kersten

Hero doesn’t even begin to describe Tina’s war story:

“Tina was just returning from the front lines of the “Desert Storm” assault on Kuwait when the Iraqi missile struck. She and her commanding officer, Captain Richard Walker, had just parked about 60 feet from the front door of the ill-fated building and exited the vehicle when they heard a whistling sound. The missile crashed into the roof and exploded, demolishing the building and knocking them both to the ground. To Tina’s horror, she saw that Captain Walker had been cut in two by flying shrapnel; he died in her arms.  Tina herself had been wounded, but she rushed into the ruined building three times to help wounded survivors escape before she lost consciousness and was Medevaced away from the carnage.” 

Alas, it was all shit.  There was no Captain Richard Walker killed in the rocket attack.  Contra her story, Lighthorse Henry Lee here was a food service specialist, which should partially explain her girth.  As should surprise no one, this chick has a hella-long arrest record.

16)  John “What training class did you go through brah?” Mueller

Pretty much has to be seen to be believed.

The only thing that that can be said about Don that isn’t loaded with awesomeness is that his hair just isn’t as awesome as my beard.

8) Jerry “Kung Fu Phony” Partain

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