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Someone is going to burn a book tomorrow

by Jonn Lilyea••42

Drudge lists three more Koran burnings for tomorrow. One in Tennessee, one in Kansas, and one in Wyoming. I can’t take the pressure anymore – I have to burn one, too, so I can get some publicity, too.

Unfortunately, I don’t own a Koran, ya know because I’m a right wing pro-war ignorant turd. So instead, i’ll be burning Ernest Hemingway’s collection of short stories “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”. I always hated Hemingway anyway – he was a pretentious old fart who couldn’t write his way out of a paper bag. He sold books because of his lifestyle, not because of any particular writing talent. I can’t write any better, but he always pissed me off. Well, “For Whom The Bell Tolls” was pretty good – but it was an anomaly.

And, oh, he liked Cuba better than the US, so ya know, he’s kind of anti-American. He wasn’t a suicide bomber, but he committed suicide and that’s half of the phrase right there. I know his connection to 9-11 is tenuous, but then so are connections of most of the Muslim world to 9-11.

I can be convinced to not burn the book if Mariel Hemingway will come over tomorrow and reenact the lesbian scene from “Personal Best” with Patrice Donnelly in my living room. I’m not cheap, but I’m easy.

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42 thoughts on “Someone is going to burn a book tomorrow”

    1. Well, I was going to burn Kayla Williams’ book, but it’s on my Kindle – all I can do is delete it. That’s not as dramatic as burning.

      Besides, ROS, you know you’ll forgive me. Who are you kidding?

  3. “He wasn’t a suicide bomber, but he committed suicide and that’s half of the phrase right there.”

    Nah, you got the whole phrase right because he was bombed when he committed suicide.

  4. So now we have gone from giving 8,000 nutjobs in Florida media attention to giving one fucking nutjob in bubmblefuck Wyoming attention? holy crap!

  6. True, Jonn. With all of the posturing that’s going on, I figure I may as well get mine in when I have an opportunity. 🙂

  7. Recall that Hemmingway liked *pre-Castro* Cuba- where he could party the night away like no place in the US. When Castro hit, that kinda went away for him. We’re talking 50’s Cuba, not 60’s….

    Wolf

  8. I was going to suggest some crappy, over-rated authors to burn– and then I remembered that my kids and I are reading thru the top 20 banned/burned books for Banned Books Week. (I’ve made it a month. I’m a rebel) Thought it was ironic…
    I’d love to burn some Sylvia Plath… wait. It’s suicide prevention month. Oh shit.
    I’ll burn hemmingway books with you, tho!

  11. I’d burn Danielle Steele’s books, except I really don’t need the local fire department to show up for dinner…

  12. Regardless, he liked Cuba more than the US – it’s foreign country and that makes him anti-American. I don’t care if he liked Canada more than the US (Canada wasn’t a state yet when he killed himself, right?).

  15. Yaaaaay! Let’s burn Hemingway. I always felt such an un-American foreigner because I could never get past the first few pages of any of his books.

    I feel much better now..but no cameras please. Wouldn’t want the ‘reverend’ media whore to feel crowded in the spotlight over there. Are his 15 minutes over yet?

  16. I’m burning all the books by Danielle Steele. She is very successful repetitive plots and shallow characters and Ms. Steele lives in San Fransisco. Reason enough. On the other hand, I will not burn books by Jackie Collins because she makes no pretenses about writing trash. While we’re at it, I’d like to toss the entire genre of Chick Lit into the flames with the exception of Bridget Jones. You have to love Bridget because she was a size 14. No one in Danielle Steele’s books is a size 14, so that’s another reason to put hers into the pyre. While we’re at it, I’m tossing every Literary Journal that ever turned my work down. This would include the one that said, “Good luck with that piece!” They probably said that after drinking chai.

  17. I bought a new TV recently, and donated my old one to a charity. I couldn’t find the user manual at the time, but I’ve come across it since.

    If I burn the user manual for a TV I no longer own, does that count?

  18. I have a 1929 copy of “A Farewell to Arms” I would like to burn, but it was my wife’s Grandfather’s and she loves that we have it. Won’t READ it. I tried and it stunk.

    Maybe I’ll singe some of the pages where she won’t see.

  19. ..you might have hit on a splendid idea, son. We could get a lot of our former suppressed high school rage out if we burned the books that we hated every 9/11. I mean if The Pantload-in-Chief and his leftist stooge administration can dilute that day’s memory by trying to turn it into one of those faggoty, feel-good holidays by deeming it as “service day”, then..

    (I am semi-serious.)

    Except for the unfortunate opportunity it would present to those on the left to conflate those of us on the right to Nazis, I sure would like to torch Eliot’s Middlemarch and *anything* by Thomas Hardy (especially, Return of the Native) that that consummate idiot junior-year English teacher, Mr Fox, jammed down our throats. We might want to include Steinbeck, Willa Cather and equally dreary drek.

    I’ll go get the matches and the Pabst, you get the marshmallows and graham crackers. We’ll make somemores and get blind roaring drunk and watch Fahrenheit 451 afterward.

    ~The War Planner.

  22. How about “Dreams from My Father” or “The Audacity of Hope” I did, after all, burn ALOT of shit in Iraq…..I got skills…

  23. You can start with the pretentious Toni Morrison bullshit I was forced to read in college. Then you can move onto anything written by Howard Zinn.

  24. Oh War Planner..Burn *anything* by Thomas Hardy?????? *gasp* Say it isn’t so. Does this mean that I need to hide all my Hardy books in case anyone find their way here with lots of matches? *sob* (or SOB.lmao)

  25. Hemingway I didn’t mind and Steinbeck I liked. Can we burn “A Separate Peace” and “Catcher in the Rye”?

  27. I’m with you on Catcher in the Rye. BooRadley was after me for years to read it – whatta POS. I might have liked it if I’d read it when I was younger…but at 50 it was garbage.

  28. To tell the truth, I always wondered if any librarian woke up in a cold sweat as her subconscious suddenly realized that none of the banned books prominently displayed in the library “banned book display” were actually banned.

  29. Best “A Separate Peace” story ever. My buddy and I had to read that in high school and of course they were school property so we had to give them back for the next class. Right before my buddy had to hand his in he wrote “Phinnie dies” on the very first page. Dick move or brilliant cruelty? You decide.

  31. Synova– Lmao! Really, they aren’t so “BANNED” are they? lol

    @Jonn– I was like 15 when I read “Catcher”– and stole it from our library… and I don’t remember being “after” you to read it! lol but I sure did love it when I was young. And I think you thought I was a DB when you read it, so I coulda told you to read the Bible and you would have hated it!
    I do HATE Of Mice and Men. And ALL toni morrison. (She’s from my hometown…she got mad when the school board wanted to name a building after her “real” name.)
    You could pretty much burn anything on a Liberal Arts college reading list.

  36. How about burning Dreams of My Father? A little scotch to get is going just like the father. I just don’t know what brand of cheap scotch is appropriate.

  38. Hey, while we’re burning books, can we burn some stupid children’s books? I have a copy of “The Giving Tree” I’d love to throw on the conflagration. (greedy little b*****d, stupid enabling tree!)

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