This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Category: “Teh Stoopid”

  • Airsoft breeds lies

    We’ve had a couple of certified Airsoft phonies here on TAH, which makes me think that the whole sport is jam-packed with liars and wannabes, which is why I doubt anything I read in regards to these teams. Like these folks at a link sent to us by Michael “Adventure Combat Ops“;

    Paintball Airsoft dweeb fuck

    Yeah, I’m not sure if any of them have bios at that website that come close to the truth, and they are presented to you for entertainment purposes only. And, although, I’m sure that some of you of you engage in this, but I don’t see the attraction to socializing with guys like these.

  • This is your fault, Eric Shinseki

    Someone sent us this photo from our friends at “Awesome Sh1t My Drill Sergeant Said” and it’s all your fault, Eric Shinseki.

    Beret fag
    Added:
    Berger

  • Declaration of Fakery

    When in the Course of human events,  there are people who saw a lot of war movies and wanted to do that too, but liked their couches more, it becomes necessary for such people to craft tales of awesomeness they once read about.  To assume among the powers of the of the internet, the separate and greater station to which their tales of heroism and the Laws of Narcissism and of Narcissism’s God entitle them, a lack of respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare how awesome they are, and threaten to sue should they be found out, and to deny the causes which impel them to tell the lies.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that we deserve the adoration that other people fought for with blood sweat and tears.  That we are endowed by Dr Phil with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Lies, fraud and the pursuit of Accolades.–That to secure these rights, the Government can’t take away my “free speech,” deriving their powers from the lies the congress critters told, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to my personhood I can sue, even if I lied.  It is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish their records, and to institute new better stories, laying its foundation on such acts we were too lazy to commit ourselves.

     

    We are better than you, not because we actually did the really impressive stuff that we claim to have done, but rather that we are clever enough to earn the accolades that go with said achievements, without having to sweat for them.  We who make up stories are entitled to be treated like the special little snowflake we know we are.  We are entitled to earning money speaking about our heroism that we did not actually display.  We are entitled to VA benefits for the post traumatic stress we got from watching Deer Hunter.  We demand and declare this!  And if you don’t like it, we’ll sue the crap out of you.

    No law shall stop us from putting on SEAL tridents with Master EOD badges on Marine uniforms.  We will not accept your fellonius slanderous names like MSG Soup Sandwich.  We are awesome.  Just look at our medals!  We were jumping into panama when we were in diapers and how dare you attempt to prove otherwise!

     

    Signed,

    everyone that steals valor

  • After almost 12 years we FINALLY know who was behind 9/11!!!

    Well Actually if you make it through, you find out it was all Bush’s fault. Or the Banks. Or something. You gotta love how these guys keep at it. You also gotta love how he ties it up with a neat little bow.

    It’s total bullshit, and the guy is probably huffing something, but he sure goes into a lot of detail and whackoness.

  • Yer Saturday Afternoon Smile

    Two thieves in Stockton, CA, recently provided a new entry in “stupid criminal tricks”.

    Gabriel Gonzalez and Jeremy Lovitt decided to rob a Stockton, CA, area Burger King.  They pulled up behind the Burger King, went inside, and robbed the place.

    So far, so “good”.  But they’d made one teeny little mistake.

    Seems they left their getaway car behind the building.  They left it unlocked and idling, presumably for a quick getaway – and unattended.

    However:  during the robbery, one of the employees saw what was going on without being noticed by the robbers.  He quickly executed the maneuver called “slip out the back, Jack”.  And after he did, he spied their unlocked, idling, unattended getaway car.

    The departing employee then used said car for a quick getaway.  He drove the vehicle a short distance away, around the corner and parked it in a hidden location.

    Let’s just say our criminal “masterminds” weren’t exactly expecting that turn of events.  When the Dumbass Dastardly Duo ran out with their loot and found their getaway car missing, they panicked.  They then fled on foot to a nearby field, where they were later captured by police.

    The police recommend cooperation with the robbers in such a case.  Personally, I think the scared but quick-thinking employee who departed with the getaway car had precisely the right idea.

    The Refreshments were right – “. . . the world is full of stupid people“.

  • Seems plausible

    Everything is coming up Lilyea;

    Federal Bureau of Investigation
    Intelligence Field Unit J. Edgar Hoover Building
    935 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW Washington, D.C.

    URGENT ATTENTION: BENEFICIARY

    WE SINCERELY APOLOGIZED FOR SENDING YOU THIS SENSITIVE INFORMATION VIA E-MAIL INSTEAD OF A CERTIFIED MAIL, POST-MAIL, PHONE OR FACE TO FACE CONVERSATION, IT IS DUE TO THE URGENCY AND IMPORTANCE OF THE SECURITY INFORMATION OF OUR CITIZENRY, I AM SPECIAL AGENT JOHN EDWARD FROM THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI) INTELLIGENCE UNIT, WE HAVE JUST INTERCEPTED AND CONFISCATED TWO (2) TRUNK BOX AT JFK AIRPORT IN NEW YORK, AND ARE ON THE VERGE OF MOVING IT TO OUR BUREAU HEAD QUARTERS.

    WE SCANNED THE SAID BOX, AND FOUND IT CONTAINS TOTAL SUM OF $4.1 MILLION AND ALSO BACKUP DOCUMENT WHICH BEARS YOUR NAME AS THE RECEIVER OF THE MONEY CONTAINED IN THE BOX, INVESTIGATIONS CARRIED OUT ON THE DIPLOMAT WHICH ACCOMPANIED THE BOX INTO UNITED STATES SAID HE WAS TO DELIVER THIS FUNDS TO YOUR RESIDENCE AS PAYMENT DUE YOU FROM THE OFFICE OF FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA AS UNPAID BENEFICIARY.

    WE CROSS-CHECKED ALL LEGAL DOCUMENTATION IN THE BOX, AND WERE ABOUT TO RELEASE THE CONSIGNMENT TO THE DIPLOMAT WHEN WE FOUND OUT THAT THE BOX WAS LACKING ONE VERY IMPORTANT DOCUMENT WHICH MAKES US CONFISCATE THE BOX.

    ACCORDING TO SECTION 229 SUBSECTION 31 OF THE 1991 CONSTITUTION IN MONEY LAUNDERING, YOUR CONSIGNMENT LACKS PROOF OF OWNERSHIP CERTIFICATE FROM THE JOINT TEAM OF THE IRS AND HOMELAND SECURITY, REPLY FOR DIRECTION ON HOW TO PROCURE THIS CERTIFICATE WHICH WILL ENABLE YOU RELIEVED OF THE CHARGES OF MONEY LAUNDERING WHICH IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE UNDER SECTION 12 SUBSECTION 441 OF CONSTITUTION ON MONEY LAUNDERING.

    YOU ARE REQUIRED TO REPLY THIS LETTER WITHIN 72HOURS, OR YOU WILL BE ARRESTED, INTERROGATED AND PROSECUTED IN THE COURT OF LAW FOR MONEY LAUNDERING.

    ALSO, YOU MUST NOT CONTACT ANY OTHER BANK OR PERSON IN NIGERIA OR UNITED KINGDOM OR ANY PART OF THE WORLD FOR ANY PAYMENT, BECAUSE YOUR PAYMENT HAVE BEEN CONFISCATED BY THIS BUREAU HERE IN THE UNITED STATES..

    YOURS IN SERVICE
    AGENT JOHN EDWARD
    REGIONAL DIRECTOR

  • Phony Air Force officer in Orlando

    The Orlando Sentinel tells the story of 37-year-old Chantal M. Lanton who pretended to be an Air Force officer deployed to Germany in order avoid paying her mortgage using regulations that protect deployed members of the military services from foreclosure proceedings while they are deployed;

    Lanton never served in the Air Force or any other branch of the U.S. military, officials said.

    Lanton pleaded guilty Friday to two counts of making false statements to a bank while applying for a residential loan and mortgage, the U.S. Department of Justice said.

    Wanting to leave Orlando and purchase a home in Pensacola, Lanton applied for a residential loan with Regions Bank in March 2005.

    Investigators discovered she allegedly lied on her application, inflating her income and the extent of her education and provided false information about her debts, federal officials said.

    As a result of her guilty plea, she faces a possible sentence of 30 years in prison and a fine of $1 million on each count.

    I’d say sentence her to a career in the Air Force, but that would hardly be punishment, would it? I kid, I kid.

  • Sergeant First Class to be charged with “sex crimes”

    Yes, I know, it sounds like another Duffel Blog story, but yet another sexual assault prevention coordinator has been arrested for “sex crimes” according to Reuters;

    The Army said a sergeant first class at Fort Hood, whose name was not released, was under investigation for allegations of pandering, abusive sexual contact, assault and maltreatment of subordinates.

    The sergeant, a member of the Army’s III Corps, had been assigned as a sexual assault response and prevention program coordinator with a battalion in the Corps, the Pentagon said. The Army suspended the sergeant from all duties after the allegations surfaced, it said.

    No charges have been filed against the soldier at this time. The investigation of the allegations is being conducted by special agents from the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command, the Pentagon said.

    Of course, in order to avoid talking about the IRS scandal, the Benghazi failures and the seizures of Associated Press’ phone records, this is the story that leads most of the news programs this morning. The other day, a Lieutenant Colonel who led the Air Force’s sexual assault prevention program was arrested for assaulting a woman in a parking lot in Crystal City, and I’ll concede that’s news, but this is just a distraction to lead the morning shows with this story – it’s a sergeant first class at a single military base in remote Texas. I’m not trying to diminish the crime, if the charges are true, it’s serious and he should fry – but it’s not so important to distract from the White House’s current scandals.