This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Category: “Teh Stoopid”

  • Letters from Bernath, homophobe edition

    Always nice to hear from a friend:

    Counselor:
    As a further sign that I wish to meet and confer to resolve all differences short of litigation; I know that being an open homosexual is now considered to be a great thing, with open homosexuals serving in the US Army and Navy. So, your “coming out” really can’t be considered a bad thing, right?

    I also want to tell you how “brave” you are for coming out and I am sure that all your colleagues (esp. the lesbians Valkarie and Ex PH2) will stand with you firmly, like a ramrod crossing shit river.

    Daniel A. Bernath
    Attorney at Law

    I totally get why he thinks I am gay. I dress superfluously and flamboyantly. In fact, Joan Rivers once said that I do more for her in my Patriots hoodie than any other man has done for her since 1927. I get it. Look, I am a sexy man, there is no escaping that fact. When Bernath sees pictures of me, I don’t doubt he feels a stirring in his loins. I’m his Tom Brady.

    The problem is, I am happily married. To a woman. So I just don’t see it working out between Dan and I. However, I really hope he does find the courage to come out himself. As he says, I have NO PROBLEM with gays at all. Heck, I even saw a gay midget dancing to Copa Cabana a few weeks ago, and it was one of the highlights of my life. Any of you on my Facebook know that to be true. It was a thing of sublime beauty.

    But Dan is trying so hard to fight off the gay. Like Jacob wresting the Angel, poor Dan is being held down by his homosexual latencies. Which got me thinking, would Dan actually make a good gay?

    I report, you decide:

    Push play for the music as you peruse Dannie-Boi’s pictures.

    Dan could live his dream of being bathed by men.
    Man bath

    Or be a unicorn.
    gayunicornman

    He and Richard Simmons could hawk Obamacare together.
    Daniel Simmons

    He could finally start dating Johnny Weir.
    skating gay

    He could march in the Phony CPO Pride Parade.
    prideparade

    Heck, he could even create his own video game.
    video gayme

    You’ll never convince anyone that you aren’t, as Ace of Spades would artfully state it, “a pack a day smoker of the cock.” So you might as well set yourself free Dan. You’ll feel better about yourself.

    Now with new Poll Goodness:
    VillageBernath

    Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey , the world’s leading questionnaire tool.

  • The Next Time You Go Someplace With Valet Parking . . .

    . . .  maybe you should still park your own car.

  • You Couldn’t Make This Stuff Up

    White House looks to regulate cow flatulence as part of climate agenda

    Yep, you read that right – the current Administration apparently now wants to regulate freaking cow farts.  What’s the penalty for a violation – the offender gets turned into hamburger?

    All I’ve got to say is:  YGBSM!!

  • Not a Good Idea

    A big problem today is identity theft.  And one enterprising young criminal decided to use that crime to his financial benefit.

    He stole more than 10 identities.  He used those identities to file fraudulent tax returns in an attempt to get undeserved refunds.

    What tripped him up was one of the identities he stole.  Guy by the name of “Eric Holder”.

    Yeah, that Eric Holder.  The US Attorney General.

    Yafait Tadesse was sentenced to a year and a day in prison this week for identity theft.

    What. A. Dumbass.

    Most criminals aren’t exactly rocket scientists to begin with.  But this guy must qualify for membership in the category “rocks with lips”.

  • Watch Out for Those “Killer Cows”

    Remember Jimmy the Clueless’s “Attack Rabbit”?  Well, Jimmy had nothin’ on this guy’s troubles!

    Several news stories out there about this one, but no real details.  I’d guess somewhere in South Asia, possibly India.

  • And in the “What a Way to Go” Category . . . .

    For the record, I’d like to state that I’m not trying to intrude on TSO’s “solo experience” franchise with this article.  But solo just ain’t the entire “wide world of sex”.

    And it’s a weird world indeed.

    Every time you think you’ve seen or heard it all – you look around and see/hear of something like this. And then you realize you certainly hadn’t “seen and heard it all” previously.

    Couple die of carbon monoxide poisoning while having sex in car

    The late couple was found in a parked car – in an enclosed garage. When they were found, the car’s ignition was in the “run” position, but the gas tank was empty.  A kerosene heater was also in the garage – and was also set to “on” – but was similarly out of fuel.  One of the couple was found “partially clothed.”

    “Marijuana and drug paraphernalia were found in the car,” police said.

    So . . . drugs were involved.  Really?  Who’d a thunk it?

    After all:  doesn’t everyone have sex in a parked car in an enclosed garage, while the car engine’s running, and with a kerosene heater also fired up in the garage at the same time?

    The truly sad thing?  Apparently this isn’t even the first US case of morte coitus monoxidus in 2014. The article has a link to a video report of a similar incident in New Jersey last month.

    RAH was right.  “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”

  • There He Goes Again . . . .

    Well, it seems that everybody’s favorite non-SF, non-Tabbed, no-BSM, never-actually-a-LRP/LRRP  (his first unit in Vietnam was re-designated from Long Range Patrol to Ranger long before he ever reported in)    wannabe hero    blithering idiot    fine individual is at it again.

    I simply don’t have the time or patience today to link to all of our favorite WitLessOne’s antics documented here at TAH.  Search for “Wittgenfeld” and “Whittgenfeld” using this site’s Search Tool if you aren’t familiar with why the guy is “oh so beloved” here.

    Be that as it may:   y’all ain’t gonna believe that   doddering old fool’s   fine former soldier’s latest claim.

    Apparently, I am actually Don Shipley.

    Or at least a certain   clueless tool   WitLessOne thinks I am.  Just go to this link, and take a look at the comments to his 17 January 2014 entry.  (You’ll have to open comments, then open the two longer comments to find it.  His blog is set up IMO rather clumsily.)

    Damn – I’m a SEAL.  That would indeed be a great thing.  I wish I’d known that.  Why didn’t someone tell me that before?

    That must mean I’ve been through BUD/S.  Wonder why I can’t remember ever being on the beach at Coronado?  Or graduating from BUD/S?  Or what my BUD/S class number was?  Wouldn’t I remember all of those things?

    Geez – that would mean I was in the Navy, too.  Wonder why I can’t remember that either?  I mean, I’ve been on a few Navy installations, and I’ve seen a few Navy ships.  But I can’t remember ever setting foot on a US Navy ship or submarine – and I think I’d remember doing that, too.

    It would mean that my spouse is named Diane.  Funny, but I think I’d remember that also.

    It would mean my son was a Navy SEAL.  Whoah – I think I’d remember that as well.

    You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d swear it’s just not possible that I’m Don Shipley.  But our favorite WitLessOne thinks I am – and we all know he’s “never wrong”.   After all, he’s a legend in his own mind. (smile)

    News flash for ya, oh   dipstick clown   Induhvidual Formerly Known Professionally As “Thunder Chicken”:  no, I’m not Don Shipley.  As usual, you’re barking up the wrong tree.  The reason that I “never answered you” (if you’re not baldfaced lying about asking me; you’ve certainly never sent me any e-mail asking me a damn thing) was that I never saw your alleged question.  And in any case, I also have a life – one that includes far more pressing business than obsessively following everything you do, or disabusing you of every foolish notion you come up with.

    Based on what I’ve seen, disabusing you of foolish ideas by itself would be a full-time job.  For three people.

    I must say I’m flattered, though.  From what I’ve seen and heard about Don Shipley, he seems like one helluva fine fellow.  I’m honored to be compared to him, and would have been proud to serve alongside him.  Unfortunately, I’ve not had the pleasure of ever meeting him or his lovely wife.  Maybe one day I will.

    However, WitLessOne, before I end this article I have a bit of advice for you.  Five bits of advice, to be precise.  So you might want to listen closely.  And if you don’t “get” one or more of them, have someone else explain them to you.

    First:  IMO you should pray Don’s not p!ssed you thought I was him, and publicly said as much.  Because I don’t think I’d want Don – or his hair – p!ssed at me.  I think you owe Don a bigtime apology.  A very public one.

    Second:  since you seem to be oh so very interested in me, “buddy”, I’ll save you some trouble.  I’m also not the Pope, Lady Gaga, the POTUS, the Queen of England, Vladimir Putin, Ahmed Karzai, Bette Midler, Al Gore, Madonna, Alex Rodriguez, Angela Merkel, the Dali Lama, Paul McCartney, Katy Perry, Sting, Gary Sinese, Psy, Payton Peyton Manning, the Emperor of Japan, Meryl Streep, or Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.   That should help narrow your search a bit.  (smile)

    Third:  John Wayne is dead.  So you might want to use another image when referring to me on your blog.  (By the way:  is that old movie poster image you used copyrighted?  Did you secure the copyright owner’s permission to use it?)

    Fourth:  I have a screen-capture of the comment from your blog where you claimed that I’m Don Shipley.  If that comment disappears from your blog, I’ll post those screen captures here.

    And lastly:  well, just watch this highly NSFW video for my last bit of advice.  I really think you should take that video to heart.  Daily.

     

    Hat tip to TSO for bringing this bit of WitLess Idiocy to my attention.  Oh, and by the way, WitLessOne:  I’m not a retired 3- or 4-star anything, either.  (smile)

  • DA clears antsy officers for shooting at a surfer

    Remember last year when Christopher Dorner terrorized cops in the Southern California? Well, it seems that a couple of officers mistook pale white David Perdue for African-American Dorner and popped off a couple of shots at him. Well, the district attorney decided that the case won’t be prosecuted;

    David Perdue is the surfer who was on his way to catch some morning waves last Feb. 7 when he was stopped by Torrance police on the lookout for Christopher Dorner.

    After he was cleared by the first set of officers, a second set of officers drove up the street, rammed Perdue’s vehicle and began shooting at his head. He was not hit.

    “It was only the poor marksmanship of Torrance officer Brian McGee that led to Mr. Perdue being alive today,” said Perdue’s attorney Robert Sheahen.

    In the report, the district attorney found that because McGee and his partner, Erin Sooper, were “anxious” and in a state of “panic,” their attempt to kill Mr. Perdue was justified, Sheahen said, adding that investigators never contacted Perdue nor his wife for their accounts about what happened.

    Torrance officers also shot at and injured two Hispanic women in the same neighborhood. Neither Perdue nor the Hispanic women were driving a vehicle matching the description of Dorner’s vehicle. Not to mention the fact that none were the same skin color, either. It looks to me like the cops were out to shoot people who weren’t Dorner to scare him into surrendering. Or something.

    I’m sure that you’ll all be relieved to know that in Southern California, anxious and panicking police officers are protected by the gatekeepers of the justice system. If you can even call it a justice system anymore.

    Thanks to Old Trooper for the link.