Author: TSO

I am off to a company Christmas Party, but have a team of UN inspectors looking at the ballots and should have results either later today or tomorrow depending on how much I drink at this thing. many of the ballots they can get through.

East Regional. (LANGUAGE WARNING ON THIS ONE, FOR LIBERAL USE OF F BOMB)

SERIOUSLY.

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER.

Fine, warning made and ignored.

1 Seed v. 16

1) Daniel A. Bernath, Bernasty McDouchenugget, Embellisher

CLAIM: Chief Petty Officer, US Navy (and a ton of other shit)
TRUTH: No, nay, never.

Forget everything you think you know about Dan Bernath and his Stolen Valor and Legal antics.  (I wish you good fortune in that as I pray for divine help in that regard each evening.)  What you don’t know about him is that he is a loving, caring man who is charitable, kind and compassionate.

Everything you need to know about him can be found in this story which you should share with your loved ones around the Christmas tree.  Charitable Dan flies his plane around taking abandoned dogs to people who want to adopt them.  One time he was flying a large dog who was sitting in the copilots seat.  The dog suddenly, and unreasonably decided it didn’t want to be in an airplane at 10,000 feet over mountains, and started acting like a dog.  But Dan the Heroic, Dan the Charitable, Dan the Compassionate was ready.

“My plan is this: 2 souls are NOT going to die today, but one might,” quoth he.   “If I can’t control you, then I shall cut your throat, you’ll go limp when you bleed out and I’ll move you over to the left side and land the airplane.”  But he managed to wrap the dogs leash around the seat with one hand, while heroically landing the plane with the other.  The people adopting the dog were there, two kids who drank all the coffee (sad) and the mom who Dan assures us was a “MILF” (yeah!).

But for honorable Dan, ”Lesson learned-I duct tape big dogs front legs and have them leashed to the right seats headstand.”

Such a heart warming story.  Well, in Tigard they say – that the Bernasty’s small heart grew three sizes that day.  Like I said, share that story around the Christm….

Wait, what?

The fucking lesson to be learned from this is that when flying a 2 person aircraft with a large dog riding copilot one should always carry a shiv and a roll of duct tape?  Why not take other preventative measures like squirting two rolls of rubber cement into the dogs ass in case it tries to shit?

Are you fucking kidding me?  How about you save money on Icelandic website registries for three days and buy a damned Dog cage, like the 99.9 percent of Americans who don’t suffer from raging fucking psychosis?  What kind of person could gleefully fly an airplane with a dog duct taped in the seat next to him?  What kind of person even considers duct taping a dog?

When someone asks how bad these Stolen Valor guys really are just steer them to this fucking story.  Psychotic assclown.

Yes, that is a real story, from his own words.  The Stolen Valor is just a symptom of how sick this guy is.

16) Frank Gervais, Canada’s (ass)hat, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Member of Canada’s finest.
TRUTH: Asshole.

This one pains me, and I’ll tell you why.  I love Canadians, and am a Member of the Canadian Royal Legion (in Hamilton, ON) and ANAVICUS.  My bucket list is to visit Yellowknife, Whitehorse or Iqaluit and I firmly believe Newfies are the greatest folk on the planet.  (Have you ever spent Canada Day with Newfies?  If no, then you don’t know drunk.)  Love me some Great Big Sea, Rush and The Band too.  I’ve even forgiven you for the unfortunate Justin Beiber and Bryan Adams incursions.

But mostly it broke my heart when Cpl Cirillo died.  And so Gervais deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life, and then two further inches.

That said, he never duct-taped a dogs paws together that I know of, nor has he sued me or defamed me.

(Dear Canadian Brothers and Sisters.  Genuinely sorry I put him in this bracket.  You guys’ Stolen Valor is as important as our own.  We respect and salute you guys and gals.  And if you live or serve in the military in Nunavut, Yukon, Northwest Territories or somewhere else that is nearly inhospitable, email me because I want to do a story on something military up there.)

8 Seed v. 9

8) Dina Boyer, LGBT Superperson, Embellisher

CLAIM: Navy Cross, Beirut bombing survivor
TRUTH: Sea service ribbon, ENFR (maybe fireperson?)

Anyone ever find out what happened to Midge that was the LGBT person with Code Pink? S/he was always really nice, but at some point s/he just disappeared. She’s the not convincing looking chap over Valerie Plame’s shoulder.

Are we certain that isn’t the same person?

9) Felix Carswell, Wheels on the bus…, Embellisher

CLAIM: Special Forces, arm cut off by helicopter blade, subsequently re-attached.
TRUTH: 11B, 82d Airborne Division in the 1/504th Parachute Infantry.

I went into an Army hospital once with poison ivy and came out with a third testicle, but they managed to reattach dudes arm? Where’d they put it?

He took a spill on a metro bus and is suing for a cool 10 million. Felix, you cat you! “He had to be hospitalized after he hurt his head, neck and back, and has been having blurred vision, the court papers state.” Did they check BAC, because I’m guessing it was north of .2

5 Seed v. 12

5) Flemron Dickey, 3rd Special Food Forces Brigade, Embellisher

CLAIM: “Green Beret”
TRUTH: Food services specialist

Say what you will about the 18T’s (Food Service Green Berets) but their training after Q course is astonishing. It begins with night land nav with 124 pounds of salad greens (iceberg lettuce, watercress, endive, Romaine lettuce), tomatoes, bacon, chicken breast, hard-boiled eggs, avocado, chives, Roquefort cheese, red-wine vinaigrette and assorted knives. At the end of it they make you do a weapons check and a cobb salad in under 5 minutes. Then you have to take the goat that the 18D guy is trying to keep alive, and make it into a gyro while still not killing it.

Shit ain’t easy man. Only one I ever met that could do it was Paula Dean, and bless her heart, she carried an extra 20 lbs of lard.

12) Kristopher Doody, Tomato with an RPG, Embellisher

CLAIM: “06/97- 05/01 U.S. Marine Corps- During my four years with the Marines I was a rifleman and scout swimmer with a Raider Company; 3/1 India Co. I finished my military career as a Scout/Sniper with 3/1 Surveillance and Target Acquisition Platoon.”
TRUTH: 0311 before becoming a deserter.

I saw a DYN Corps guy running in jam shorts and flipflops with a machine gun at the Palace in Kabul one time when a shot rang out. He was pretty much the coolest dude I’d ever seen.

If this bowl full of jelly ran by me in those shorts, wearing that shirt, it would mean either I was stationary, or he saw a street vendor behind me. Either way I’d punch him in the ball sack for wearing that outfit. What the hell are you trying to blend in with? Killer Tomatoes?

4 Seed v. 11

4) Jared Stern, Paul Wickre’s Private Investigator, Embellisher

CLAIM: “After serving in the United States Marine Corps and subsequently conducting intelligence operations overseas…”
TRUTH: E1 discharge, Marine 0311

I guess if any of you are going to hire Mr. Stern to do your work, you should know that he did, indeed serve in the Marine Corps from November 1985 until August 1988 – about 120 days short of the 36 month mark (a regular enlistment period) – and he left as an E-1. And, oh, yeah, that “conducting intelligence operations overseas” was as an 0311 infantryman. I doubt that he did any intelligence operations that didn’t include a titty bar as it’s main objective. Also, records indicate the “In the Hands of Civilian Authorities” which is always the sign of a good intelligence operator.

Also, he’s a douche. Who works for a bigger douche. Who hired a douche for an attorney. And the bigger douche used to work for a phone SEAL douche. Also, douche’s douche employer is friends with a phony Green Beret douche. Do u che see were I am going with this?

Howard Stern’s Penis! Howard Stern’s Penis! Baba-booey!

13) John Fuentes, Bio-hazard wearing jackass, Unkown

CLAIM: See Below
TRUTH: See Below

I’m sharing the whole police report, because it makes me giggle.

Officers XXXX, XXXX and XXXX respond to Wild Willies where a “gentleman” was in Full US ARMY active duty ACU’s soliciting funds for the local Military Museum and Wounded Warrior Program. He even gets a small amount of funds from some of the bar patrons. Unfortunately for him, one customer (a vet) is suspicious and questions him on his service and he runs. Officers find him on XXXX where an investigation about soliciting reveals he does not have permits to solicit or even a military ID. The uniform of the “2nd Lieutenant Dimarco” does not match the NY state Dept of Corrections inmate card on him showing him as Johnathan Fuentes. Fuentes is the subject of a previous report by Officer XXXX, he has multiple social numbers, altered enlistment papers and a VA card in the name of Fuentes. He states he is an Infantryman but doesn’t have a Combat Infantry Man’s Badge on, but a Combat Action Badge (not given to Infantry), along with his parachutist’s badge. The stories finally crumble and he admits to getting funds by using the uniform, ( he spent the money on packs of cigarettes already). While speaking to 3 veterans he states he does not want to get in any more trouble, (a little late). I have the pleasure of informing him that “his” uniform is evidence and we will be removing it now and put him in a bio hazard gown for his transport to jail. The subject is charged with 817.312 Unlawful use of uniforms, medals or insignia a third degree felony.

2 Seed v. 15

2) Reverend Colyer, Reverend Doctor of Occupy, Embellisher

CLAIM: USMC Disabled Veteran with PTSD
TRUTH: OTH from USMC, no combat

This dude had a solid Twitter game, and then just walked away. It was weird. One minute he’s throwing death threat haymakers, and the next he’s gone like a fart in a wind tunnel. You’d think a “Reverend Doctor” would have had better grasp of our given tongue, but he seemed to only know profanity. Which can be fun. (c.f. Bernath above.)

Anyone seen this turd floating in any bowls lately? Last I had heard he was enroute to Ferguson. Thank God he never interrupted Jonn’s Spanish Novellas. Whatever the hell that means.

15) Christopher Duke, You won’t like Jonn when you make him mad, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Marine Scout Sniper
TRUTH: Not a Sniper. Not a Scout. Not a Marine.

If listening to Jonn yell at this guy doesn’t make you harder than woodpecker lips, then you were never an NCO. He’s like Samuel L. Jackson about to go medieval on this “fucknut”.

Well we’d have to be talkin’ about one charming motherfuckin’ pig. I mean he’d have to be ten times more charmin’ than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I’m sayin’?

7 Seed v. 10

7) Leonard Goethals, 40 Years of lying, Embellisher

CLAIM: Vietnam, Cobra pilot – Shot down and captured – POW 3 years – rescued by 2nd Armored or 1st Cav. Plus SF in OEF or something.
TRUTH: 80 Days in the Navy

I’m completely at a loss on this guy. Literally can think of nothing to say.

That Jon Lester trade has me pissed off, but that’s a ton of $ to spend on one lefty. But there are some REALLY seductive pictures of the Gronk out there today playing with kittens. Also, did you see that chick Annalynn McCord wore a Pats 69 Jersey to the game last week? Also, I’m having digestive issues. I think I might take the day off tomorrow, get on the can with two bottles of magnesium sulfate or whatever that stuff is that makes you go, and just drop a massive Leonard Goethals into my crapper.

10) Christopher McFarland, another A-hole doing it doggy style, Embellisher

CLAIM: 0317 Force Recon Scout Sniper. SERE TRNG course, Recon School, Scout Sniper School. 6 tours in both Iraq and Afghanistan; wounded in both countries. 4 Purple hearts. POW in both OIF and OEF.
TRUTH: LCPL, USMC; SPC, US Army. DID Deploy in OEF/OIF, but no Purple hearts. No Recon either. Truck driver.

I just woke up (have Thursday off this week), and feel the need to confess two sins. 1) I like Cyndi Lauper. That’s right, I think True Colors is a decent song. And her version of The Wall was great. 2) I also stopped the radio on Katy Perry’s Roar the other day. This one less excusable. On TV it is fine, because you can claim you just want to take a gander at her mountains, but the audio version less palatable.

Incidentally, if they ever make up a Pulitzer or Oscar for “Picture image which comes up in safe search most likely to be used in self abuse in one’s inlaws basement”, I would think that picture of Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry has to be a nominee. In the same YouTube Category, it is always going to be “Wild Things Pool Scene.”

I feel as if I was supposed to be writing about something else.

6 Seed v. 11

6) Sean Yetman, heavy-drop phony Ranger on Black Friday, Unknown

CLAIM: 2/75th Rangers and he has 3 awards of the CIB for two rotations to Iraq and one to Afghanistan.
TRUTH: Unknown.

This is the most well known faker in the country right now, so I am going to use this opportunity to discuss something else which troubles me.

Is Claudia Black super hot, or kind of man-ish? I keep waffling on this one, but definitely thing super-hot.  Another Kirsten Dunst situation here with an incredible body, but the face. I don’t know. Loved her character on Stargate SG1. That last episode where she sorta hooked up with Daniel is one of my favorites. Thoughts?

Signed,
If she’s man-ish does that make me gay? in Indiana.

11) Dennis Myers, Phony Combat vet who received a phony medal from a phony combat veteran Senator, Embellisher

CLAIM: Silver Star
TRUTH: No Silver Star

Of all the stories this year, I loved this one the most, because it was a delicious FU moment to outgoing Stolen Valor Senator Tom Harkin.

“During a 1992 bid for the presidency, Sen. Tom Harkin of Iowa claimed that he had served as a pilot in Vietnam. His claim surfaced eight years before, during a 1984 bid for reelection to the Senate, when Harkin boasted that he had served one year in Vietnam flying F-4s and F-8s on combat air patrols and photo-reconnaissance support missions. Challenged by Sen. Barry Goldwater, Harkin did a quick shuffle, claiming that he had actually flown combat sorties over Cuba during the sixties. Harkin finally admitted that he had not seen combat but had served as a ferry pilot stationed in Atsugi, Japan, flying aircraft to be repaired from Atsugi to the Phillipines. When pressed by reporters to explain how much time he had really spent in Vietnam, Harkin estimated that over a year, he flew in and out of Vietnam a dozen or so times. But Harkins military record showed no Vietnam service decorations. He finally conceded he had not flown combat air patrols in Vietnam and began describing himself as a Vietnam -era- vet.” – Stolen Valor by B.G. Burkett.

3 Seed v. 14

3) Terrell Anquoe, Hi ah, what the?, Embellisher

CLAIM: Distinguished Flying Cross, Bronze Star and a Purple Heart along with some Desert Storm service medals.
TRUTH: Actual name Paul Dean Fultz, 10 months, E1, Tow Gunner

I’ve always meant to get around to finding out my Indian name and animal spirit guide. Maybe I should go seek out Paul Dean Pultz and go on a vision quest with him. The last time I went on a Vision Quest I emerged as a State Wrestling Champion, looked like Mathew Modine and banged a cougar-esque Linda Fiorentino.

14) Ken Strafer

CLAIM: Active duty during the war against terror, Brig Gen, SF, Wounded by IED
TRUTH: Retired LTC, he has a CIB, an EIB, Ranger Tab, and graduated from Command and General Staff College, No SF, No IED.

Why dude? Seriously, why? EIB and Ranger Tab weren’t good enough? Dude, all I received and ever wanted was a CIB. My grenade throwing skills (and luck) sunk my EIB, and my brittle-ass discs in my back ruined my RIP shot. And this guy has to add more and more shit?

Dumb-ass. But at least he never duct-taped a dog.

Ballots to follow shortly.

1 Seed v. 16

1) Dennis Chevalier, Seven Wives and Counting, Valor Thief

CLAIM: LTC, US Air Force, Pilot
TRUTH: PFC, Texas State Militia, 20 Glorious Days in Texas National Guard

I’m coming up with the Chevalier Rule which posits that if you just shut the eff up when you get caught lying, people will forget in about 20 minutes, but when you decide to fight out your lies, you live in infamy. Case in point, this jackass. He’s a 1 seed for one reason and one reason only, he decided the best course of action was to team up with an insane lawyer and a drunken sky diving clown to take on TAH. And he’s turned into a cultural phenomena. Chevalier Rule #2 is that when you have 6 ex-wives, keep your nose clean.

16) Rowdy Anderson, Masculine, Sexy side of Phony SEALS, Valor Thief

CLAIM: “Former underwaterdimalishion at U.S. Navy” and a SEAL
TRUTH: Got all his awards from a printer at Kinko’s.

His Afghanistan Campaign Medal certificate was issued in 1996 – so he must’ve been on deep recon five years before 9-11-2001. I’m thinking he was very popular on Man Boy Love nights. That picture creeps me out so bad I can’t even begin to write more on this guy.

8 Seed v. 9

8) Larry Sims, Take this Job and Shove It, Embellisher/Valor Thief

CLAIM: Captain and then Lt Col in the 101st, CIB, Jump Wings with two stars
TRUTH: Five week Basic Training Washout.

This cat kind of cracks me up. This is the basic timeline. Gets job, claims CPT. We post, someone Googles from his work, dude gets fired. Dude gets new job, claims new rank (LTC) and someone again Googles. Lawyer for Job 2 sends us cease and desist. We invite him to fornicate with a cactus. Job researches, finds out he lied about other shit, fires him.

Look out Tampa, you’re about to have a Brigadier General get a job and hold it for about a week and a half.

9) Mark Tiemann

CLAIM: Just look at the picture.
TRUTH: Seven years a Marine, discharged as SGT.

It took 2 years to track this guy down, and he’s the size of Jupiter. Probably had enough magnetic field built up we could have just dropped a Navy Cross and followed it to his uniform.

I found video of him at BUDS:

5 Seed v. 12

5) Nikko De’Lozada, 118 lies in 18 minutes, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Again, 118 lies in 18 minutes.
TRUTH: See below.

Easy one to write, just watch:

12) Paul Benevente, Geordi La Forge’s Caucasian Cousin, Embellisher

CLAIM: Ranger/Engineer Officer
TRUTH: 5+ years as a SPC 4 electrician

I used to have a buddy that legit thought it was racist that the only black people on the Enterprise were either blind, or serving drinks. Didn’t keep him from watching every show with me at like 3am after his shift as a DJ at Hennessey (5263 M Street in Georgetown) and again reminding me that STNG was racist. Anyway, what the hell is an Engineer Officer in the Army? Do they have them? What exactly do they do?  Is it just the 12A’s?  Do they do electrical stuff?  I thought they destroyed berms?

Why would you piss away a good career with an idiotic Facebook post and LinkedIn profile? I just don’t get it.

4 Seed v. 13

4) Otto Gimbl, dude got a busted grill, Embellisher

CLAIM: Combat wounded OIF/OEF Veteran with PTSD
TRUTH: 15 month chump busted when he failed a piss test. Does have a NDSM though.

I said I wouldn’t put links in here, but you really need to go over to Scotty’s to get more on this guy. He’s rocking the lie, getting free service dogs, made it on FoxNews, and promptly looked down the News Babes shirt when she went to pet the dog. You can’t hate on that last part, but what a shitbag.

These doofusi (doofusses?) piss me off with getting service animals. I wish that dog would just one day take a chomp out of his testicle, and when the animal control shows up, in my magical world the dog stands on his back legs and says “What did you expect, this SOB is a valor stealing douchetool.” Then he runs off and humps Jessica Rabbit.

13) Jay Kerwin, Suns out, Guns out, Bios out, Embellisher

CLAIM: SEAL, AF Pararescue
TRUTH: Unknown, but backtracking like a biyatch on his claims. Allegedly did time at Leavenworth for ‘roids.

I don’t actually know the story on this one because Shipley apparently took down the video, but dude has disclaimer up that: “Disclaimer: Jay Kerwin is not a military officer nor has he ever been. Additionally, any reference made by third parties online or in the media to Jay being a member of the U.S. Navy or a Navy SEAL is inaccurate.”

I totally empathize because the same sort of shit happened to me. Somehow third parties online started the rumor that I was actually Ron Jeremy’s penis double. I tried and tried and tried to correct it, but that shit still shows up. FWIW, Ron is like a mini-golf pencil compared to me. It’s like a baby’s arm clutching an apple.

2 Seed v. 15

2) James Korfhage, Threats Schmets, get in your car already, Embellisher

CLAIM: Army Ranger
TRUTH: 21 Days at basic.

Another easy write up, because here he is threatening to kill Jonn and torture his family.

I’d love to tell you that this guy pissed me off because I worry about Jonn. But that’s a total lie. I actually hope this silly son of a bitch shows up at Jonn’s house. Because 2 days later I will file to get the FOIA recording of the 911 call.

Operator: This is 911, what is your emergency?
Jonn: Hi, I have some shitbag bleeding out at the end of my driveway, and he just won’t stop crying.
Operator: Did you hit him with your car?
Jonn: Well, not at first. First it was 5.56 to the kneecaps, and then 357 to the testicles. Then I hit him with the truck, twice, but the guy just won’t die. I need someone to take him away before he assumes room temperature and attracts birds. Oh, and thanks to the police for ignoring his threatening phone calls, this has been an awesome Christmas.

15) James Waldby, Built like a Snowman, Embellisher

CLAIM: 3rd Ranger Batt
TRUTH: Nice fake DD214 dick, 13 months total, out as PV1
I believe Peter Griffin said it best:

7 Seed v. 10

7) Thomas Bolling, Noyes Strikes Again, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL
TRUTH: No
How is it that for 3 days I’ve been spelling Dan Noyes’ name wrong, and none of you asshats told me? I only realized it last night.

Love the Top Secret Defense. Among all of them, that’s my favorite.

10) Ron White, The Ninja, not the comedian, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Photographer attached to SEAL Team 2

TRUTH: Who the hell knows. I’m just not into ninjas. Sure, the outfits are cool, but all that leaping around and shit would wreak havoc on my knees.

6 Seed v. 11

6) Joe Weeks, Favored Son of Malta, Embellisher

CLAIM: Silver Star in Nicaragua as a PJ.
TRUTH: 2 years AF, security specialist.

 

and

11) Christine Mullen, Faster than a speeding missile, Embellisher

CLAIM: PTSD, found a boot with a foot in it, raped by 6 different commanders.
TRUTH: Yeah, no. Problem sailor, “one night she got into a drunkin stunptor and assulted one of her Staff NCO’s. She then tried to claim that the Senior Staff NCO had raped her. The investigation proved this false.”

Again, this chick claims to have outrun a missile. On a flight deck. Fired from a plane about 30 feet away. I’ve got just the man for her.

3 Seed v. 14

3) Amy/Joel Kleyla, Swollen Valor, Embellisher

CLAIM: SEAL, Female
TRUTH: SEABEE, Twig and berries may have been harvested.
I’ll never forget the first time I saw Amy Joel. It was 1977, and I was 7. It was Thanksgiving, and settled in to watch TV. And there she was, being led behind Snoopy in the Macy’s parade by 196 people trying to keep her from floating away. Wait, this thing lives in Indy?

14) Robert Lawton, Shat on my honorable career, Embellisher

CLAIM: Purple Heart, present at Beirut bombing.

TRUTH: Incredible career that does not include a purple heart or being in Beirut during the bombing.

Honestly, this is just inexplicable. I’m completely befuddled. The guy’s actual record is one that any rational human being would be proud of. But not good enough for Bob. This may be the most damning thing I’ve said, but I just feel bad for him. He’s one of those people who is incapable of any pride.

VOTE:

UPDATE: VOTING NOW CLOSED, GO VOTE IN NORTH REGIONAL.

South Regional
1 Seed v. 16

1) Frank Visconi, The Blowfish, Embellisher

CLAIM: Bronze Star w/V, 2 Purple Hearts, Combat Action Ribbon, and the Presidential Unit Commendation
TRUTH: It took no less an authority than the 6th US Circuit Court and the US Marine Corps to finally prove he made that up.

Talk about sticking to your guns, dude fought his phoniness all the way to the Circuit Court. The problem is, his story wasn’t even internally consistent, as he vacillated on whether he’d ever been actually awarded the medals or not.

But he did earn those medals the hard way: He had to use the google, find some blank certificates, and just award them to himself. A sign of a true hero.

16) Steve Cushman, Wakulla Wanderer, Embellisher

CLAIM: Politician claiming “Air Force Pilot”
TRUTH: Survey says: PFC.

This guy’s story is too mundane for me to even riff on after a night of shitty sleep, but can we just ponder a world where PFC’s are allowed to fly airplanes? Holy shit. I couldn’t even get my guys to ensure that the .50 Cal was mounted properly on the pintle. When we did a relief in place an MP unit replaced us, and they had real girls. I told the SPCs and PFCs to get the vehicles ready for our right seat ride and went into the BDOC to make sure we had the comms and patrol route. We come out, take a right on Rt Disney on Bagram and the whole machine gun goes sliding into the other lane, nearly hitting a supply sergeant on his golf cart.

And this guy wants them to fly planes? Holy shit is that scary.

8 Seed v. 9

8) LTC Gerald Green, RANGER: R is for R-tard, A is for A-Hole, Embellisher

CLAIM: Ranger, Sapper
TRUTH: Not so much.

Let me get this straight, they put a guy in charge of pre-RIP without verifying his Ranger Status? That is such an Army thing to do. Is a Sapper badge something really worth faking? I guess I don’t know enough about the 12 series or whatever they are to know if that is impressive. I just assumed everyone in a engineering unit was a sapper. And I’m befuddled that the Guard chose this guy. Not exactly our best or brightest. He’s like the Oakland Raiders of the National Guard.

 9) Michael Schrenk, Sword swinger, Embellisher

CLAIM: Marine SSG with a ton of shit I don’t recognize. And a sword.
TRUTH: Honorable service in the Navy.

Say what you will, but it takes some balls to show up at the Erie County Fair in upstate New York on Veterans Appreciation Day wearing that get up and carrying a sword. Has anyone else added the sword to their fashion label in Stolen Valor? Not that I remember. Good call though. I’m going to start claiming I am a SF Lieutenant Sergeant and carry around a halberd.

Honest question: how do you serve honorably in the Navy and not even know how to wear the Marine Corps shit correctly? I was in the Army and I still know he’s got everything on the wrong side.

5 Seed v. 12

5) Peter Lawler, From Beirut to Black Friday, Embellisher

CLAIM: Beirut veteran, combat wounded Marine, Purple Heart, PTSD
TRUTH: Got an OTH as an E1, subsequently upgraded to Under Honorable Conditions. Also, a registered sex offender.

This guy’s arrest record is prolific beyond belief. I think I wore out the scrolling button on my mouse reading all his shit at Scotty’s place. Two things about this guy though…first, he actually apologized. That generally doesn’t happen. His kind of sucks, but what did you expect. Second, he was in jail on a sex offender charge and “escaped out a back door.” Not exactly Shawshank Redemption. And so while on the lam he apparently tried to chat up some 17 year old girl who one article said got “creeped out.” Well, no shit. Dude is no Andy DuFresne.  Best line of that movie: “We oughta be able to file this under educational.” Alexander Dumbass.

12) Gil Gilbertson, Golden Idol of Oathkeepers, Embellisher

CLAIM: Navy-trained diver and trained in ordnance disposal went from E-5 to O-6 in six years.
TRUTH: No, No and No.

What the hell is in the Oregon waters to make these guys act like this? The first thing though is that if I ever called someone, and they answered the phone with “Ahoy!” I would immediately call them a douche, hang up the phone, block the number, and kill a puppy. Anyway, he left the Air Guard as an E-5 in 1992, but he claims he was a contractor for the State Department and went to Kosovo and that he was a colonel in his campaign literature this year. I’m assuming he lost his race, but I don’t even have the energy to look it up.

You know what is worse than Navy EOD diver school? Running out of Ambien a week before you can renew. (Not coincidentally, that is my excuse for the lameness of today’s post.) Last night I hit the NyQuil and Excedrin PM and had some dream loosely based on the last episode of Star Trek Next Generation with my buddy Superbowl6Romeo playing the part of Q. Even Gil Gilbertson can’t get me excited to write these today.

4 Seed v. 13

4) Jim Van Fleet, Dude got Nois’d, Embellisher

CLAIM: US Navy SEAL
TRUTH: Coast Guard Auxiliary

There are only basically 3 rules in life you need to follow: 1) Never get involved in a land war in Asia, 2) never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, and 3) if you have Lilyea, Hair Shipley and/or Dan Nois on your ass, RUN.

Like I said brah, run.

13) Keith Keeton, Schwarzkopf’s Shadow, Embellisher

CLAIM: Bronze Star, Purple Heart, Paratrooper
TRUTH: No, no and no.

I feel reading this like the old lady sitting next to Forrest at the bus stop: Such a lovely story, and you tell it so well.  The story he tells is that, as a staff sergeant, he was receiving the surrender of an Iraqi general when he was shot by his Saudi translator’s pistol (the first victim of a green-on-blue attack), earning a Purple Heart, and as an engineer, he killed an Iraqi T-72 tank, despite the fact that Engineers don’t have an anti-armor capability once they leave the cover of the infantry unit to which they’re attached.

Saw that shit in saving Private Ryan, he used his happy sock and C4 to blow the shit up. Everyone for 100 miles was covered in semen. Kind of like the time Andy Dick went to an N’Sync show.

2 Seed v. 15

2) Gregory Banks, Masonic Massacre if ought 14, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SF, multiple week long hunt and kill missions overseas between visits to Masonic lodges, Bronze Star.
TRUTH: No service located.

I like the cut of this guy’s jib. (Ahoy!) He’s kind of like the Equalizer or the A-Team, just going from town to town, setting things right that once went wrong, and hoping the next leap will be the one home or something. You know how you can tell a real hero? When he has his Mom write him a letter backing up all his claims, suggesting that everything he did was top secret and/or that the military is out to get him.

The fact that this dude was giving out psychiatric advice is scary. Really scary. Physician, heal thyself.

15) Cody Stermer, X-Box Commando, Valor Thief

CLAIM: CW1, Blackhawk Pilot, Stabbed at Boot Camp
TRUTH: Unknown, but certainly not that.

Again, two things I love about this guy. The first is the juxtaposition on Scotty’s site of this guy in MOPP-4, and right above it him in a McDonald’s uniform. Fricken classic. The second is his “Plenty of Fish” profile where he talks about being a virgin. Um. Dude. You work at McDonalds and spend your days playing Call of Duty. Chicks don’t dig guys who do that. They dig bloggers. And NFL Quarterbacks. And, occasionally other chicks. But when they do dig other chicks they usually look like the dude in the Brawny commercials. (Sorry to ruin it for you.)

Between the X-Boxing and the virgin death clutch you probably have on your crank, you should have the strongest bicep of anyone except Bender from Futurama.

7 Seed v. 10

 7) Reginald Hinson, SEAL Creed Principal, Unknown

CLAIM: US Navy SEAL
TRUTH: Nope. (Top Secret defense.)

Stephanie Scurlock may be my new secret crush. Dude, she totally just walked in there and confronted this clown. Fearless. She and Nois should hook up if they are single and create super SEAL Pretender Outing Children.

 10) Irving Rice, Bamboo Cage and Viet Cong Children, Embellisher

CLAIM: POW Camp escapee
TRUTH: Air Force Mechanic, no POW record

“I saw a little Vietnamese boy crying,” Rice said with a faraway look in his eyes. “I decided to go down to check this out, to see if he is in trouble. I wanted to see if there is anything wrong. Little did I know that that one little trip down there would change my life forever. I had no clue there was a Viet Cong unit down there.”

I get that same faraway look when people tell me they are all hot for Taylor Swift. I don’t know, there’s something about her not quite right. Reminds me of a warning from Peter Griffin that went something like “that’s like going up against Kirsten Dunst in a hot body/ugly face contest.” She’s got a pretty good suspension, but the grill seems a bit amorphous to me. Like she might despawn at any second.

6 Seed v. 11

 6) George Manos, Hands of Fate, Face of THOR, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Army Ranger/Special Forces major
TRUTH: State Militia

Dude is a “Knight of Malta” and “President of Village Apothecary.” Handy traits those. I guess he’s some sort of healing paladin? Looks like his panacea is eye of newt, heaping pile of bullshit to me, but what do I know. Best part of this though is a comment left on Merchant Circle [.com]’s website about THOR.

 “Hello, I am Laura Billey by name from united kingdom. Greetings to every one that is reading my wonderful testimony. I have been rejected by my husband after three(3) years of marriage just because another woman had a spell on him and he left me and the kid to suffer. one day when i was reading through the web, i saw a post on how this spell caster called Dr Eboehi of eboehispellcaster@gmail.com have help a woman to get back her husband and i gave a reply to his e-mail address and he told me that a woman had a spell on my husband and he told me that he will help me and in 24 hours that i will have my husband back. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all know that this spell caster have the power to bring Husband back and so many other things. because i am now happy with my husband.”

Someone find me that spell caster, Dr. Eboehi, we need a fifth for our World of Warcraft team.

 11) Kirjath Toney, Tony, Oscar, Golden Globes, he’s got ‘em all, Embellisher

CLAIM: Purple Heart, CIB, a Silver Star and a Bronze Star
TRUTH: Well, he has a National Defense Service Medal, that’s the same thing isn’t it?

Little known Toney Fact: He used to be 6’7” tall, but carrying all that shit around he’s now 4’11” and playing in a midget octogenarian basketball league. What kind of name is Kirjath. To be honest, I kind of like it. I expected him to be all Gurkha, and instead I got a wrinkly Caucasian dude. I’d never heard of the “Independent Order of Odd Fellows” but that also is kind of a cool name. I mean, it doesn’t have the cache of “Stolen Valor Mafia” or whatever Wittless is calling us now, but it does have a nice ring to it. He has 5 runs on his Expert Badge, I wonder if they include the sling, because dude looks old enough to have been there when that fellow Davy killed Goliath, his anthropomorphic dog.

3 Seed v. 14

3) Richard Rahn, Minnesota Madman, Valor Thief

CLAIM: dude has 1 of everything I think. Ranger, CIB, and enough years deployed to account for the entire War on Terrah.
TRUTH: Not a CSM, but he is a felon.

OMG the shades on his head totally sell it, don’t they? I don’t know though, the second star on his CIB seems to insist upon itself, not unlike The Godfather. There’s something seriously creepy about this dude’s face, and then it dawned on me….he’s the bad guy from the execrable Ghostbusters II. (Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia)

14) Kenneth Goldstein, Phony CPO Lawyer whose name is not Bernath, Embellisher

CLAIM: JAG and wounded combat veteran
TRUTH: Coast Guard PO.

My buddy, Dr. Sheldon Cooper once said “Well, looks like I was wrong. There is no law of diminishing returns with regards to space poop.” This dude looks like a full on deuce floating around the space shuttle after a Russian tried to expel a 40 ounce porterhouse. I love that the dude used PTSD to get out of an arraignment. “Oh, you have PTSD? Then you are free to go, and we apologize for the inconvenience.”

They should charge him with theft, because if that hair isn’t stolen straight from one of those little Troll dolls than I’m Tom Brady’s catamite.

WEST REGIONAL IS NOW CLOSED, GO VOTE IN SOUTH REGIONAL.

Whelp, here we go.  If you want to know more about these clowns, just type the last name into the search engine above and have at it.  I’m limiting hyperlinks here because you guys don’t click them very often, and you probably remember most these dudes.

Vote is at the bottom, make sure you click enter or done or whatever it is after you have voted in EACH RACE.  You should have 8 selections.

Seed 1 verses 16:

1) Nate Fornwalt, Lemonade Stand Stealing Phony, Embellisher

CLAIM: Wounded veteran with numerous purple hearts, Marine Special Ops.
TRUTH: Iraq vet with no purple hearts, no Special Ops.
There’s a very special place in hell for people who steal money from an 13 year old Gold Star kid’s lemonade stand. (It’s the same place in hell reserved for ship captains who would take advantage of Saffron, those who think Taylor Swift is awesome, and Jets fans.) Matthew Ott runs a lemonade stand in memory of his veteran mother who died when he was young, the proceeds of which go towards veterans in need. Apparently Fornwalt was in need of a new cane, or possibly an X-Box 1. He also makes shitty snowmen with blood on them to “honor” the guys he lost overseas, because Lord knows I’d want to be honored for my sacrifice by some money stealing jackass who can roll snow into balls and then stick a carrot in the face.

16) John R. Acton, Constable Prevaricator, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Vietnam Vet or a US Army Veteran in the Vietnam Era, with “advance infantry warfare” and a “secret clearance MI. level 4″ and was a decorated officer. Sometimes he said that he was honorably discharged due to an injury, other times he said he was retired military.
TRUTH: Discharged as private after a gruelling 4.5 months in service.
Running for Constable of San Tan County Arizona must be the thing to do. And one way to ensure you have no chance whatsoever of winning that race is to just make shit up out of thin air. His campaign theme was “Honor Courage Experience”. #NailedIt 0/3. I particularly like him using a American Legion solicitation as proof of service. I would have liked to use my experience in Red Dead Revolver from Afghanistan to apply for the position of gun fighter, and I think I will model my campaign on Acton’s patent pending approach of just inventing it.

Seed 8 v. 9:

8) Julee Johns, Funeral Phony, Embellisher

CLAIM: Medically discharged Marine Drill Instructor, master sergeant, OEF/OIF
TRUTH: 16 days in boot camp. Almost the same thing, right?
Just watch:

 

9) Joseph Lewis “Wolverine” Rios; Killer elite clerk, Embellisher

CLAIM: Served in US Army Special Forces from 1975-1988, 18B Weapons Sergeant, Special Forces Instructor, SERE Instructor, Instructor Fort Sherman Panama, Pathfinder Instructor – Panama, Combat duty in Nicaragua and El Salvador, and French Commando Training.
TRUTH: 71L clerk typist in an Air Defense Artillery unit in Germany.
Ah S1, you magnificent bastards, you’ve done it again. I’m loathe to include this guy, because a clerk typist and an SF Weapons Sergeant are almost the same thing. Heck, they are closer than 11B and 19D. He’s also a Karate Master.

This may or may not be Joseph training in between ops to take down high value targets:

Seed 5 v. 12

 5) Thomas DeCare, Beer Swilling ISIS Killer, Valor Thief

CLAIM: I can’t even make out all the shit on his uniform, except the badge above his name tag which seems to indicate he was bombed with fecal matter from a Pterodactyl.
TRUTH: NPRC says “who?”
I loved the quote from our witness:
“You can imagine my surprise when I was sitting in my favorite watering hole in Phoenix, NY, when this train wreck came in and sat down. He ordered a beer and a moment later answered a cell phone call when, very loudly, he proclaimed he was on his way to Fort Drum and then enroute to fight ISIS….Additionally he told me he was in the 175th Ranger Regiment and had HALO experience he was yelling this on the way to his car, and he proceeded to leave the area at a high rate of speed.”
Don’t you hate that shit? You pop into your favorite pub for a Guinness or 17, and your phone rings, and it’s that pain in the ass Petreaus telling you to suit up to take out baddies again. Shit happens to me all the damn time. Hell, happened last weekend when I’d finally lined up a 3-some with Emma Stone and that kinda-cute but not really hot chick from Hairy Potter. Stupid generals sending me places.

 

 12) Jonathan Cook, Very Special Forces Superfriend, Embellisher

CLAIM: Ranger, SF, Sentient life form.
TRUTH: Aw, hellz no. 55 days and gone.
It takes a special breed of man to tattoo himself with all this shit. It truly says a lot that the closest thing to reality he has enshrined on his skin is being from Krypton. But let’s talk about the true travesty here, the fact he is from Beckley, WV. If there is someone reading this from that city, my apologies in advance, but that’s the worst town in America. I stayed in an America’s Best Value Inn and it was like Fallujah. There was a chalk outline on my hotel room floor, and I heard gunfire. (No lie on the gun fire.) The lock wouldn’t work, so I propped an entire queen bed against the door, and had the lamp unplugged to use as a mace in the case of anyone coming in. When I had to go through the town again in August I told my wife to make hotel reservations in ANY town in WV not named Beckley. Anyone want to guess where she put me up? Two guesses, but you’ll only need one.

4 Seed v. 13:

4) Charles Chavous, Dude, I lost my hair, Embellisher

CLAIM: Vietnam POW, Tunnel-rat, two Bronze Stars and the Navy Cross
TRUTH: 0311 with 1 year in Vietnam, none of those awards, convicted of Murder
Before using the “Vietnam made me murder a guy” defense (with some success) Chavous had been rocking his story a long assed time. This was my favorite passage:
Each time he was sent back to Vietnam, Mr. Chavous was wounded. He was captured and held prisoner for a short time but escaped, taking another American captive with him.
Somewhere along their journey the other man died, but Mr. Chavous, who says the escape is a blur to him, didn’t realize the other soldier had died and kept talking to him for several hours. He never knew who the man was.

That reminds me of the time I crash landed somewhere in the Maldives on a deserted Island with my friend Wilson. He was a quiet sort, what with being a volleyball. But when we got off the island on a raft I constructed, I was just talking and talking, and only later did I realize Wilson had floated away.

Also, he may have been banging my girlfriend at the time, that son of a bitch. (Curse you Wilson you philandering leather stuffed douche!)

 13) Schoen LaBombard, Bobsledder from Batavia, Valor Thief

CLAIM: Navy SEAL who had wallet stolen, needed to report for Deployment
TRUTH: Scam artist who deployed to exactly nowhere, and burglarized his grandmother.
Oh Batavia, wherefore art thou sweet Bellavia. Seriously, dude is from the same town as David Bellavia. They ought to compare stories, they are so similar in so many ways. One was a fake Olympian and OEF vet, and the other had a best selling book about that time he killed 6 dudes in a building the last of which may or may not have been with a cork screw from a Gerber.

BTW- I ever tell you my brother competed in the skeleton? Everyone thought he had a terminal disease, so he convinced my parents to let him do insanely idiotic shit and go out on his terms. Now he’s alive and well, married with two kids. Talk about idiotic.

2 Seed v. 15

 2) Derek Church, The Real Unslim Shady, Embellisher

CLAIM: SSG, Ranger, 82nd, Infantry, Straight.
TRUTH: PFC, 18 months as a nasty girl then a quick exit.
Dude, the blue cord on the wrong side? Purple Heart on the wrong side? Come on, do a little research in between your 17 daily visits to McDonalds. BTW dude, the inseam on your pants is like a foot too long. Seriously, what did you buy, 40 x 40?

Diet plan. Learn it, live it, love it.

 15) Benjamin Scott, Scamming in the Great Outdoors, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL with a Purple Heart
TRUTH: Not even a little.
This Bag o’ Ass probably should have been seeded higher. He rocked his lie, and somehow made it on the Board of Trustees for Operation Veterans Outdoors. They don’t appear to be doing well, since their website isn’t active, and their Facebook presence is somewhat meager. So they are the true victims in this, along with every actual veteran who would have been able to take part in whatever Operation Veterans Outdoors was going to do. In reality he is a drug offender and a parole violator.

This makes me mad because I love the outdoors. Mostly from an inside perspective, but I do love the outdoors. Like those times when it is 33 degrees and raining or 114 and no cloud cover (i.e. every day we went to the range) those days suck. But I love the beauty of the outside, provided I’m not actually out in it. I’m sort of an inside guy, just chillaxing inside watching my Pats beat the Bolts, while my dogs shiver outside and wonder why I forgot to let them in. I tell them they are descended from wolves when they complain, and they tell me to eff off.

Seed 7 v. 10:

7) Mike Fortner, In the time of Dinosaurs, I was a SEAL, Valor Thief

CLAIM: SEAL Team 1, 2 and 6 leader. 9 years, 9 months 26 days and 17 hours in the SEALs.
TRUTH: Old guy rocking a 50 year lie.
Come on Deacon, you are better than this

For the record, Dan Nois is a fricken Stolen Valor Assassin with a microphone. Dude is all over it. But when you lie to your wife, your kids, and your church, you deserve to get Nois’d. (Copyright pending on someone getting “Nois’d”.)

 10) Gene Carroll, Rotten Turd, Embellisher

CLAIM: Marine Special Ops, Cyprus, Dominican Republic, 2 Purple Hearts, 1 Silver Star, and the omnipresent Combat Action Ribbon.
TRUTH: None of that was true, but he did get the coveted “30 days in AWOL” Ribbon.
Another turd in the prom punch bowl, Gene here “hit the beach (in Vietnam) just the same way the guys did in Guadalcanal.” In what movie? Because if it was that Thin Red Line movie, that one sucked. You weren’t hitting anything Gene, and Charlie don’t surf.

And just who makes up secret missions to Cyprus? Reminds me of the time I single-handedly took control of Gibraltar from the back of my sturdy steed Gary the Giraffe. Those Brits had no effen clue what hit them. But Clinton made me give it back to them. Thanks a lot, Dick.

Seed 6 v. 11

6) Randy Abbott, Rolling Blunder, Embellisher

CLAIM: Joined the Marines at 16, went to RECON, Scout Sniper Tattoo, served 14 years.
TRUTH: Marine Corps refueling technician with 7 years.
He served about 7 years, not 14. He joined the Marines in 1984 which made him 19 not 16 when he joined. He refueled vehicles, not as Recon Marine, but as a fuelman. So his back operation being the result of the years that he spent jumping from airplanes and helicopters, busting brush and being the most Marine he could be is pretty much BS. He had the operation 17 years after he got out from running a Marine Corps gas station. Not that there’s anything wrong with that – unless you try to tell folks that you’re some kind of trained killer that the Marines used up and threw away.

This jackass rocked the lie in the worst possible place, at the Travis Manion Charity Run. What kind of effen douchenozzle lies at an event like that? Seriously.

11) Casey Shook, Tickle Monster Pederast, Embellisher

CLAIM: former Army Ranger and special forces member
TRUTH: He was a parachuting chemical specialist in the 21st Chemical Company at Fort Bragg and an NBC specialist in an Air Defense Battery at Fort Lewis Washington.
This is the mark of a person that NBC should be tested on:

“A grand jury indicted Casey Leon Shook in June 2011 on nine counts of sexual conduct with a minor, three counts of voyeurism, three counts of kidnapping, two counts of sexual abuse, one count of indecent exposure, one count of aggravated assault and one count of threatening and intimidating a person.”

Send him to Fort Dietrich or wherever they do crazy chemical shit nowadays and give this guy electric shock therapy and cyanide gas. Or practice with that drone defeating laser by targeting that thing between his legs before someone else gets hurt.

Shitbag.

Seed 3 v. 14

 3) Cornelius Davis, Smadge says what?, (Unknown until FOIA)

CLAIM: Sergeant Major, Bronze Star, Silver Star.
TRUTH: Army says “Nevah heard of you”.
According to some folks, this guy is just “learning disabled.” Um. Ok. But that defense only ranks 3rd behind “The NPRC fires fahked me” and “my stuff was all Top Secret classified” on the list of defenses.
Aw hell, just watch the video:

14)  James Hoskins, “Mess with the hair, you get the horns”, (Unknown)

CLAIM: SEAL, Ohio State Buckeyes fan
TRUTH: Magic Hair Ball says: nope.

Dude, did you really claim to have trained Marcus? You dumb sumbitch.

OK, hopefully this works:

Since I don’t have any help on this, I am going to you guys. This is what I will do, what follows is the 64 people I have in my field right now. If you disagree with one of them, or want someone else included, then name the person to be included, and the person to be dropped. If you get more than 5 people agreeing with you, I will do it. If someone disagrees, that moves you down one. In other words, you need +5. Otherwise, what you see is what you will get, alphabetical by first name:

Benjamin Scott
Casey Shook
Charles Chavous
Christine Mullen
Christopher Duke
Christopher McFarland
Cody Stermer
Cornelius Davis
Daniel A. Bernath
Dennis Chevalier
Dennis Myers
Derek Church
Dina Boyer
Felix Carswell
Flemron Dickey
Frank Gervais
Frank Visconi
Gene Carroll
George Manos
Gil Gilbertson
Gregory Banks
Irving Rice
James Dahan
James Hoskins
James Korfhage
James Waldby
Jared Stern
Jay Kerwin
Jim Van Fleet
Joe Weeks Sr.
Joel Scott “Amy J.” Kleyla
John Fuentes
John R. Acton
Jonathan Cook
Joseph Rios
Julee Johns
Keith Keeton
Ken Strafer
Kenneth Goldstein
Kirjath Toney
Kristopher Doody
Leonard Goethals
Lori Phipps
LTC Gerald Green
Michael Schrenk
Mike Fortner
Nate Fornwalt
Nikko De’Lozada
Otto Gimbl
Paul Benevente
Peter Lawler
Phillip Allen Keith Steve Cushman
Randy Abbott
Reginald Hinson
Reverend Colyer
Richard Rahn
Robert Lawton
Ron White
Rowdy Anderson
Schoen LaBombard
Sean Yetman
Terrell Anquoe
Thomas Bolling
Thomas Decare

(If someone was nominated, and I left them off, there is very likely a reason, probably legal. Please do not be offended. I read every single recommendation, and went with this because they seemed the most egregious, and/or I felt comfortable with the level of evidence we had on hand.)