This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Author: TSO

  • Name that occupation

    The man featured here is standing in such a manner in furtherence of his occupation. 

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     Is he:

     a) Deuce Bigelow, Male Gigolo

    b) The new banana in the Fruit of the Loom advertisements

    c) Meteorologist making a point about the rising dew point

    d) Attorney for Gitmo prisoners, about to show us the meaning of the phrase “to go commando.”

    All I know is that this never once came up in Evidence, Civil Procedure, Torts or Contracts.  I may have been drunk in most those classes, but I am sure that dropping trou (a latin term I believe) never once came up.

    H/t to Weasel Zippers.  (Sorry to steal it, but good god I needed something to post.)

  • AFL-CIO maliciously using veterans to make faulty point

    By now you have likely seen this ad.

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    Since I actually work for a Veterans Service Organization, and deal with these issues, I knew right off the bat that it wasn’t accurate. Unfortunately, I also knew that pointing that out would subject me to statements about being a shill for McCain, despite having repeatedly stated that I will either not vote for him, or vote for him like I did Hillary in the campaign, with eyes shut and nose held.

    Anyway, I didn’t post anything, and now I don’t have to, as Factcheck.org did it for me. I’ve followed Factcheck since they debunked the worst ad I’ve ever seen, that assinine Vietnam Body Armor ad by Vote Vets.

    Anyway, this is the summary of what they found:

    The AFL-CIO is attacking McCain with a TV spot saying he voted “against increasing health care benefits for veterans.” Actually, he voted for increases in those benefits. The labor federation points to McCain’s votes against Democratic proposals to increase funding. Those were defeated along party lines, and then quickly followed by alternative measures to increase benefits by smaller amounts, all of which passed unanimously or with near-unanimous majorities. McCain supported all of them.The AFL-CIO also points to a McCain vote against a war spending supplemental appropriations measure from 2007 that included additional funding for veterans’ health care, along with much else. The measure passed the Senate along partisan lines but was vetoed by President Bush. But McCain voted for a later version of the supplemental that ultimately passed into law and actually included slightly more funding for veterans’ benefits.

    If you are going to use us veterans to make a point, could you at least TRY and make it somewhat accurate? Seriously. I am the last person to claim that the GOP is better on veterans (specifically VA) issues than the Democrats, something not borne out by the budgets when each were in control, so why not just state the facts and be done with it? I expect a ton more of these hit pieces, and if their goal is to make me more eager to vote for a guy whose immigration and global warming policies make me throw up a little in my mouth, then I say unto you: Mission Accomplished.

    ON EDIT: I’ve done a little more research on Jim Wasser, the AFL-CIO guy in the video, and come to the conclusion he’s a lying crap weasel.  It should shock no one that he did a bunch of stuff in 2004 for Kerry, ostensibly to rebut the Swiftees.  Anyway, I loved this passage he has on the AFL-CIO website:

    On the veterans’ issues, everyone respects McCain’s war service. We veterans never forget other veterans and we should never say anything bad about another veterans’ military service – that’s hallowed ground.

    Mr. Wasser, you have a call from General Clark on line 2, line 2.

  • Begging to differ with Blogfather Lilyea

    I took what Jonn stated here at face value, and assumed it was the lamest protest ever, until I got my semi-weekly love missive from Code Pink.  If you haven’t signed up for their alerts, you must do so dahling.

     A little background first.  Rep. Gary Ackerman (D-NY 5th) is an unapologetic liberal opposed to the war in Iraq.

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    This war has not made the American people safer, our military stronger, or the region more stable. We must responsibly redeploy our troops so we can refocus on the real war on terrorism and rebuild our military readiness.

    But he’s also pragmatic, and understands that the Iranians are bad news, what with the wanting to wipe Israel off the map and all.  So he introduced:

    H. CON. RES. 362

    Expressing the sense of Congress regarding the threat posed to international peace, stability in the Middle East, and the vital national security interests of the United States by Iran’s pursuit of nuclear weapons and regional hegemony, and for other purposes.

    Naturally, this pissed off the Code Pink grannies, who sent this in their missive to me:

    We …strive to do whatever we can to protect our sisters and brothers in Iran as President Bush rattles his saber in their direction. This Wednesday, our CODEPINK flotilla staged a “peace blockade” around the Washington DC houseboat of Congressman Gary Ackerman, see press release here! Ackerman, who just last year told us he’d love to go to Iran and get on a bicycle to promote peace, has proposed House Resolution 362 a naval blockade of Iran that sets us on the path to war.

    So, I went to the link for this mighty flotilla taking down the EVIL REP ACKERMAN. 

    It wasn’t much, a mini-flotilla of three canoes and an inflatable raft — not even enough to surround Ackerman’s aquatic home. But the 15 activists from Code Pink wanted to encourage Ackerman (D-Jamaica Estates) to tone down his rhetoric against Iran.

    After enduring nearly 30 minutes of sirens, whistles, drumbeats and megaphone chanting, Ackerman — wearing his trademark carnation in his lapel and a floral tie — emerged with a kiss and a hug for the ringleader.

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     (Photo by Michael Temchine / July 9, 2008)

     That’s right people, three canoes and an inflatable raft!  That must have been some scary shi’ite watching these ladies descend on his houseboat in such menacing fashion.  It really conjurs up images of blue-painted Celts with accompanying druids attacking Roman legionnaires, or men fighting through the waves of Normandy to reach the shores, or when the Muppets took on the Pirates in Treasure Island. 

    Jonn: I will see your geriatrics sleeping and raise you pink clad commandoes on their sloops of death.  They should have dressed like Indians and dumped all his belongings into the Potomac for daring to suggest such a thing!  But I am sure they had a Smurfy time.

     UPDATE: Curses, looks like Hotair.com did the same post at the same time.  Only theirs also had some video, so here you are. 

    UPDATE x2:  Is the chick with the bullhorn cute?  And is it the blond girl on right?  Like the way the Pinkers are going though. 

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    Also, a buddy suggested that Ackerman has a twin on The Simpsons, your thoughts?

    Ackerman and Hans Moleman, seperated at birth?

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  • How my bookstore pissed me off at lunch

    (Another soft hitting account of life in the slow lane from the Oasis of Intertubes Intellectualism)

     There are no greater things in this world than bookstores and Irish Pubs.  (Some Navy guys *cough* Nixon *cough* might suggest that brothels also rank, but not for this cat.)  Seriously, you can nourish your soul with either a frothy Guinness, or a dog-earned copy of Cyrano de Bergerac.  So, since liquid lunch on a Wednesday is not advisable (least not when my employers read this blog), off I sojourned to Borders books at lunch.

     When I say I love bookstores, I do not hyperbolize.  You know when you meet someone of the opposite sex and you get all excited and wonder if your fly is down and keep reminding yourself not to stare, and need to go the bathroom?  That’s me in bookstores (no lie) so I approach such an outing like an pirate ambush:  Get in, get out, quit  F__ing about, ya ho, ya ho, ya ho.

     So, I got to the “New in Hardcover” section, proudly proclaimed thusly by the cardboard sign affixed to the stand.  (Stay with me people, there will eventually be a point to this.)  I see nothing I don’t own, so I move on.  But out of the corner of my eye, I see those “Recommendations” sections where the retarded girl with the nose piercing and glass eye tells you what she would read if she wasn’t busy sniffing glue.  And next to this section was the “If you liked this book, you’ll LOVE these” section.  And there I see Lone Survivor: The Eyewitness Account of Operation Redwing and the Lost Heroes of SEAL Team 10, by Marcus Luttrell. 

     Now, if you haven’t read the book yet, you shouldn’t be on the internet.  Seriously, you are an asshat and need to call in sick tomorrow, and not come back out into public until you’ve read it.  Whether you support or oppose the war, the Bush Family Evil Empire or the Navy, everyone should read it.  I’ve had the pleasure of talking to Marcus.  Our conversations mainly dealt with me asking him if his combat situations had prepared him for what I assumed were droves (nay, legions) of women tossing their panties at him, whether he fashioned himself the Tom Jones of our generation, and how willing he would be to share his cast offs with me.  In turn, he looked at me while frantically waving down police officers to get mental health professionals to come deal with the dude who was clearly insane.  None of which has anything to do with this post.

    So, anyway, what books do you think were there with Marcus’?  Now bear in mind, if you liked Lone Survivor, you will LOVE ____.  (read previous sentence in Gene Rayburn Match Game style.)

    The answer in this particular Borders Bookstore was these three books:

    1) Blackwater: The Rise of the World’s Most Powerful Mercenary Army, by Jeremy Scahill. 

    2)  Warrior King: The Triumph and Betrayal of an American Commander in Iraq by Nathan Sassaman

    3) What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington’s Culture of Deception by Benedict Arnold McClellan.

    What in Spongebob’s blue ocean made the people at Borders think that someone reading Marcus’ book would enjoy these unfortunate uses of trees?  I can only assume that my borders is terminally infested with illiterates or those suffering either cranial rectal inversion or some other diminshed mental capacity ailment.

     I would rather be a phrenologist reading the bumps on a homeless man’s skull than read those works.  I would rather see my face on the cover of “Coming Out” magazine after a night of severe intoxication than read that stuff.  I would rather show up for a date with Skye and have Chris Hanson come out and tell me to take a seat and ask me what I am doing there than read that crap.

     For the record Borders Bookstore on 20th and M street, the proper responses to “If you liked Lone Survivor, you will LOVE ____” is:

    1) House to House by the incomparable David Bellavia.

    2) Will: The Autobiography of G. Gordon Liddy, by the bald moustachioed one.

    3) How to kill a man with a plastic spork, and still get his family to apologize for wrecking your utensils with low quality blood by TSO.

     OK, that last one might not be real, but it is essentially what Marcus’ book is like.

    So yeah, Borders ruined my lunch.

  • Help TSO: Choosing my religion

    If you are waiting for an insightful post from me today, I fear your wait continues.  This will again be a welcome respite from the otherwise intellectually stimulating things you find in the blogosphere.

    By now, you have likely heard the tale of the “Satanic Cult”/Democratic operatives in North Carolina.  Here’s a tid bit for those who have not:

    Joseph Scott Craig, 25, and his wife, Joy Johnson, 30, were arrested last month after a man and a woman told authorities they were beaten, shackled to beds, kept in dog cages and starved.

    The victims met Johnson and Craig through the Web site for Indigo Dawn Inc., a business that Johnson and Craig operated. The company is a spiritual growth service offering “past-life reconstruction” and “communication with spirit guides,” according to the company’s Web site. The site talks about Johnson’s activism and describes Craig as a reverend and a “devout student of magick.”

    I’m inexplicably fascinated with the story, although not to score cheap political points on the Dems, although admittedly that part is fun too.  What amazes me is not that these two were doing such things, but that there are people out there so pathetic as to buy into this [IVAW].  So, I read everything on this case.  And I just found this in the same article as before:

    According to the warrant, Johnson and Craig described themselves as teachers of the Order of the Morning Star.

     Now, some of you will recall my unfortunately brief cyber-romance with Chrissy my beloved Hippie Girl, whose first missive to me was fantabulous:

    I am part of a new group. Our mission is to provide love to those who were in war and to those who are going because the more love we provide the less violent they will be while at war. If you are being deployed to war, please let’s talk first. I promise I can be really sweet and understandable….   We do this by providing love, understanding, and a soft female touch.

    Now, this is a movement I could get behind (pun intended).  Anyway, I went to see if the Order of the Morning Star was of a similiar bent, because I can be one hell of a spiritual dude when there are young women involved.  (Currently I attend the Congregation for the Worship of Skye, but don’t tell my wife, she thinks I am just volunteering with Big Brothers Big Sisters.)

    The Morning Star Order… is the religious order (The Holy Order) of the One Earth Church of Divine Humanity. The purpose of The Holy Order is to provide a structure wherein the teachings and esoteric knowledge of Divine Humanity are discussed and taught as well as a means for spreading the message of Divine Humanity.

    Well, I gotta tell you, that explains nothing.  But please, do go on.

    The Order’s Mission is to work for the eradication of fear-based systems that obstruct peace, harmony, partnership and Oneness (unity) on Earth. To accomplish this humanity must be awakened to their divinity. The eradication of fear begins with each individual.

    M’kay. Then this, which is the part that has me UTTERLY befuddled.

    The Order’s Virtues are emblematic of the Greek Spartan Knights life-giving sacrifice for the ‘greater good’ at the ‘Hot Gates’ of Thermopylae in 480 BCE.

    “Greek Spartan Knights”?  There was no Greece in 480 BCE, and “Knights”? And how on earth could anyone confuse the Agoge system with “peace, harmony, partnership and Oneness (unity) on Earth”?

    Anyway, I’m thinking of starting my own wacko religion. Any help from the readers here would be appreciated. Obviously a lot of obligatory and profligate references to Dionysis, Venus Kallipygos and Priapus are required, but I get lost after that.

  • Of Deserters and Drama Queens

    Meet Corey Glass.

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     This is Corey’s Story:

    In 2002, I joined the Indiana National Guard. When I joined, I was told I would only be in combat if there were troops occupying the United States.

    I signed up to defend people and do humanitarian work filling sandbags if there was a hurricane. I had no conception I would be deployed to fight on foreign shores.

    Way to do your research.  If you are volunteering for something that is 8 years long, wouldn’t a certain amount of due diligence be advisable?  I mean come on people.  He did do his research on desertion though.

    So anyway, on leave he runs away to Canada and becomes the cause celebre!  The Court there ruled he had to be sent packing, and so the  parliament voted in a non-binding resolution that he should be allowed to stay.  Meanwhile:

    With no word yet from the federal government, neighbours, concerned citizens, residents of Toronto’s Parkdale community, and Iraq War resisters will hold a rally to stop the deportation of Corey Glass, 7 p.m., Thursday, July 3 at the May Robinson Building, 20 West Lodge (1 block east of Lansdowne, north of Queen W.)

    All good and fine. Only one miniscule problem:

    “He is not considered absent without leave. He is not considered a deserter,” Maj. Nathan Banks, a U.S. army spokesman, told ABC. “He is running for no reason. He is fully welcome in the United States. I cannot believe this is a big deal in Canada.”

    How DARE the US Army rob the deserters of their poster child!  The gall of such people as Major Nathan Banks!

    Meanwhile, we are on day 18 of Matthis Chiroux held hostage at the IVAW house.  No doubt law enforcement is failing to move because they are frightened of the statement of Kokesh:

    Should any military or law enforcement personnel come here, to MY house, they will not be welcome, nor will they find removing him from the premises to be physically tenable.

    That means his combat tour at IVAW house now exceeds that in Iraq and Afghanistan combined by a magnitude of 3.

     How we’ve managed to overcome the loss of a sole Army Journalist I think is truly a testament to how versatile we are as an Army.  I figured we would have caved by now and begged him:  “Help us Matthis Chiroux, you are our only hope.”

    The force is strong in these two.  Must be the high Midi-chlorians level.

     This post brought to you by TSO: a welcome respite from the otherwise intellectually stimulating blogosphere.

  • People, people who need people and hope and change and something something

    Bear in mind while reading this offal that the arsehat author of this nonsense lives in this house:

    Babs House

    OK, so away we go:

    Barack has awakened in many of us the notion that we can again be hopeful, enabling us to believe that we are capable of lifting our brothers and sisters out of poverty, of providing quality education for all our children, of ending this unjust war in Iraq and bringing our troops home safely.

    Dude, are you kidding me? What in the holy hell would you know about poverty? Try working for a non profit for a while. My Apartment could probably fit in your dining room. Education for “all our children”? I’m flat broke because my taxes keep going up to pay for all the children. How about we worry less about the Children and more about us grown up adolescents? Are you having the troops over to your house for a beach party? Pick me, pick me.

    He’s reminded us ‘yes we can’…we can make the transition from fossil fuels to green energy; we can take care of our elderly and make sure that good healthcare is not just a perk for a few, but a right for every man, woman and child.

    Yes we can what? Green energy? I’m willing to bet your electricty bill is more per year than my salary is. People in palatial mansions should not throw sod. You want green energy, put some damn solar panels on that roof, set up some wind turbines, and stop using your 9 chimneys when you live in Southern California. Healthcare as a right? How has that worked out in Canada?

    We are experiencing not just a presidential campaign, but a movement; a movement of inspired young people who have been cynical about politics for too long. For Barack, hope, change, believe…they are not just words.

    Seriously, what does that even mean? And if they are young people, how long could they have been cynical? Were they born cynical? Is there a tear in the time-space-cynic continuum? Are they youthful curmudgeons? Or are you just stringing words together again? If you want a movement, eat more fiber.

    And with that, kindly crawl back into your cave and sell your fruitloops there Toucan Barbra.

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  • Would that I resided in the city of Brotherly Love…

    Any time not spent following around my Muse Ms Skye (who until the restraining order could find refuge in the Art Museum) would be spent attending these absolutely absurd gatherings.  To wit:

    Philadelphia: In celebration of the American Revolution, Iraq Veterans Against the War will hold a “Patriots’ Town Hall Gathering” on July 2 at 5:30PM on the 3rd Floor of the AFSCME District Council 47 Union Hall, located at 1606 Walnut St.

    I love the Patriots, from Ethan Allen to Tom F’n Brady, so this sounds like it would totally be my speed!  But who is speaking?  Belichick?  Larry Izzo?  Randy Moss?  John Paul Jones via ouija board?  The head of John Paul Jones preserved Futurama style in a jar of formaldehyde?

    The keynote speakers for this event will be John Braxton, U.S. Labor Against the War Steering Committee Member, and T.J. Buonomo, IVAW Organizer and Former Military Intelligence Officer, U.S. Army.

     On second thought, maybe I’ll drink rat poison and watch re-runs of the Golden Girls.

     So, who is John Braxton?  Someone who did time for dodging the draft apparently:

    “I will not accept a deferment from killing in order to let others do it for me,” he told his draft board in Norristown.

    “The very public way I went about protesting the war made it very hard for the government to ignore me,” Braxton said in an interview last week. “It had become clear to me after seeing the destruction in Vietnam that the draft system was central to the prosecution of the war. I felt very committed to my course of action.”

    Well, isn’t that special.

    He was sentenced to two-and-a-half years in prison.  The president of his senior class at Swarthmore, Braxton served his time in three prisons — two in central Pennsylvania and one in Petersburg, Va.

    Bully!  (Insert Teddy Roosevelt voice here)

    Well, what about Buonomo?  Since he’s an “organizer” for Iraq Veterans Against the War, maybe he can regale us with war stories?  Afraid not, unless there was an un-talked about skirmish in Colorado Springs or New York.  Mr. Buonomo went to the Air Force Academy on your dime, then decided that discussing the treachery and perfidy of VP Cheney was the way to pay back the American People.

     I’ve been a big fan of Buonomo’s for a while now.  In particular, his various treatises are a source of unending mirth for me.  Loved (LOVED!!) this one in particular:

     “Communist”, “Hippie”, “Terrorist-sympathizer”, “Haji-lover”, “Anti-American”…these are the terms that have been used to describe me and anyone who dares to question the government and take a stand against its abuses of power.

    As I noted at the Sniper, we call you a communist when you espouse forced economic re-allocation. We call you a hippie when you fail to use deodorant, and play an acoustic guitar while cooking s’mores and smoking pot around a campfire. We call you Terrorist-sympathizers when you sympathize with the terrorists. Do I need to go on, or are you in one of your infrequent, cognitively-conscious stages?

    Mr. Braxton will speak on the struggle of Iraqi workers to unionize in the face of U.S. and Iraqi government repression. Mr. Buonomo will speak on the legacy of the American Revolution and its relevance to U.S. foreign policy in Iraq.

    TSO will be appearing at an Independence ceremony at Murphy’s Irish Pub, discussing the leadership of Leonidas at Thermopylae, and the role that played in the Sam Adams Brewing company’s selection of choicest hops for use in their summer ale, and how this is all an allegory for the plight of our tri-gendered community.

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