Author: TSO

So, as astute readers may remember, my favorite book in the world is “A Short History of Nearly Everything” by Bill Bryson. Anyway, he has a pretty interesting anecdote in there about the “riveting oddity” of Sir Isaac Newton. It is said that in the morning when Newton would awake, he would roll his legs out of bed and then be struck with paralysis by all the thoughts moving through his head. I hear ya Newt, I get that too. Yesterday to be specific.

Now, I’m not saying I am Newton. In fact, this segues nicely with a conversation I had with the Paratrooper of Love at the Milblog conference.

We were fighting about who deserved the Milbloggie award more, TAH or B5.

Blackfive: But if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.

TSO: I’m afraid so — I can’t compete with you physically. And you’re no match for my brains.

Blackfive: You’re that smart?

TSO: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?

B5: Yes.

TSO: Morons.

Anyway, we decided to resolve the dispute by contest. He filled two mugs with a frothy brown substance.

B5: inhale this, but do not drink.

TSO: It smells like heaven mixed with the tears of Victoria Secret Models.

B5: What you smell is Guinness. It is odiferous, tasty, dissolves instantly in your liver, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Now look, I don’t need to go through the next 7 hours at O’Sullivans to explain what happened. Little did I know that he had spent a lifetime building up a tolerance to Guinness, whereas I got so drunk I even gave Uncle Jimbo a man-hug.

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Here’s a link for you guys:

How Ben Roethliserger hung with Colons at a Sausage Party that was totally gay.

As I said on my Facebook page:

You know who you never hear about hanging out at Ghey Sausage parties? Me and Tom Brady.

UPDATE:

Apparently Roethlisberger denied everything and flew off in his personal plane.

Two emails just came in back to back. A weaker man might not realize that they are related.

Link 1:

A senior Iranian cleric says women who wear immodest clothing and behave promiscuously are to blame for earthquakes…

“Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes,” Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi was quoted as saying by Iranian media. Sedighi is Tehran’s acting Friday prayer leader…

“What can we do to avoid being buried under the rubble?” Sedighi asked during a prayer sermon Friday. “There is no other solution but to take refuge in religion and to adapt our lives to Islam’s moral codes.”

Link 2:

This is what I would like to call “Disproving your theological standpoint by virtue of a serious lack of a tsunami striking up behind Annalyne and Angel McCord and sweeping them, the cameraman, and Lilyea off to a deserted island where Lilyea attempts to contact the blog to post pictures from his cocoanut camera.”

PS My religion mentioned earlier encourages swimsuit wearing.*

*certain exemptions apply.

This by way of update.

Does anyone except me remember this dumb post I did about Oily Titz wherein she argued that the “Law of Nations” mentioned in the Constitution was a book?

EXCERPT 3: U.S. Constitution, Article I, §8:

The Congress shall have Power…To define and punish Piracies and Felonies committed on the high Seas, and Offenses against the Law of Nations

Yes, Law of Nations is CAPITALIZED, meaning our framers were citing a proper name. There was only one Law of Nations in 1787 officially declared. And yes, Congress has the power to create and enforce ANY LAW mentioned in the Law of Nations written by Emmerich de Vattel! It was sitting right under our noses the entire time.

Anyway, you know who didn’t know much about this book at the time the Constitution was written? George Washington, since he hadn’t yet checked it out of the library.

Washington failed to return two books in 1789, which have been accruing overdue fees.

The former president, who died in December 1799, borrowed two books from what was then the only library in Manhattan – “Law of Nations,” a dissertation on international relations, and a volume of debate transcripts from Britain’s House of Commons.

If the book was just so damn important, one would have thought that GW would have owned it already, no?

I mean, I started an entire religion based in part on both L. Ron Hubbard and Everybody Poops, but I at least bought them off Amazon.com.

For those curious, my religion is tenatively entitled: Everyone shits out Science Fiction Books. For short: Battlefield Poop.

Jonn covered this earlier, but it’s been pissing me off all day. First, I want to go through his missive. He is bold and italicized, mine will be regular.

On behalf of Liberty Candidates, as I am one, I find your actions abhorrent and unlawful. Those organizations using a 503c Charitable Organization charter will be subject to diciplinary measures by the authorities in your respective states.

Your spelling is atrocious, your logic is faulty, and you are a ri-tard. What orgnizations are you referring to that do the remainder that have a 503c, and do you understand what that means?

This serves as notification that Liberty Candidates, all 126+ are in the process of filing legal action against your all of the organizations in the coming week. For those of you that are private citizens that participated in this outrageous action, I should hope that you are financially well off.

I speak on behalf of the worlds interest when I say that I look forward to this treatise of masterpiece of jurisprudence with the same trepidation as I did the time my buddy told me he had a video of a midget playing baseball with a Louisville slugger hanging out of his ass. I am not well off, but take great interest in being part of your suit, see later for details.

Your plan to threaten the citizens of the United States into not donating to a political candidate of their choice and in their state violates many laws that we do not have enough paper to possibly list here. Groups holding a 503c charter are prohibited from endorsing ANY particular candidate. By slandering Adam Kokesh, Candidate for New Mexico’s race, you have indirectly endorsed Lujan. All candidates have suffered large financial losses to their campaign funding, so enjoy your moment of gloating. It will be short lived.

Wow. Just wow.
As Yoda might say: The ri-tard is strong in this one.
As a decent lawyer might tell you: Get the fahk out of my office and come back with a real cause of action.

Rest assured, we have employed several laywers that will work on a pro bono basis to recoup these losses from your hate groups. This is your one and only notice to CEASE and DESIST from these types of unlawful activities. We are asking for the sum of $126,000,000.00 (one hundred and twenty-six million dollars) from each group responsible for these actions.

I herewith and in perpetuity do hereby proclaim that by virtue of the magna carta, the emancipation proclamation, the deed to my manor at Blackacre, and by the power coursing through my veins granted me by the sword, battle-charger and the power of Grey Skull that your petition herewith also call for Sharks with fricken sweet-ass laser beams attached to their heads.

We will begin serving these complaints in the next 7-10 days, one as a class action lawsuit, and should that fail; each candidate will be serving their own individual complaints against you following that. I suggest you focus your activities on a local level, and be more productive in helping those in your communities. You have run up against a large group of determined individuals that refuse to be stopped in their quest to return America back to the Constitution. We will use this great document to the fullest extent in making sure that the 2010 elections are not influnced by hate groups such as yours.

I have spent the better part of 3 weeks going through defamation lawsuits filed by both private and public figures. For the love of the Holy Mother of Spongebob, pray point me to ONE, JUST ONE, that went your way when dealing with supposed defamation against a public figure. Your lawsuit is bullshit.

And what is the lawsuit?

RE: Slander, Libelous Statements, Use of threats, coersion to prevent income, tampering with election funding, use of misleading video clips and doctored footage.

Slander: defense of truth, various First Amendment protections, marketplace of ideas, etc. Look them up.
Libelous Statements: see above.
Use of Threats: where? You should know that threats can be difficult, and are not generally a cause of action for a person, rather this would probably fall under criminal.
coersion to prevent income: Now you are just making shit up.
tampering with election funding: Not a cause of action, making shit up again.
use of misleading video clips and doctored footage: Misleading video clips not illegal. Doctored footage where? Um, wouldn’t that pretty much screw all media outlets? Also, not a cause of action.

Also- I note at your Facebook page you state:

Even if we don’t win these suits-we need to prove a point and put an end to this!

Ah, so you admit your case is horseshit, but you are pushing forward with it to “prove a point.” You know what they call a lawyer who takes a case to court that has no merit based exclusively on the premise of “making a point”? In the legal world we call that: really fucked. Like, take it up with the bar fucked. You should consider taking that part down.

But look, I also want to be a part of this suit. Here’s a little number I have been quietly sitting on for quite a while. But, since you open the door, let me throw it out there.

I HAVE BEEN TOLD BY FORMER AND CURRENT IVAW MEMBER(S) THAT THE CALLED KOKESH “COKEHEAD” ON ACCOUNT OF THE PARTIES HE THREW AT THE HOUSE.

There, please add my name to the list. Have your lawyer contact the blog here at admin(at)thisainthell(dot)us and I will be happy to furnish my name and address. Mind you, your lawyer will likely be bright enough to tell you that what I did there was pass along information given to me, and that in order to prevail you would have to show that no one told me that, which they have. But, I say screw it, bring on the discovery phase I say.

Also, I would like to add Steve that you seem more in need of a constitutional refresher course than any man I’ve ever seen. Also, kindly go F yourself.

Your pal, TSO.

This shit cracks me up:

Speaking to the liberal Center for American Progress in Washington, D.C., today, [Bill] Clinton urged political and media leaders to remember that “words matter”…

As memory serves, isn’t this the man that said:

I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksky.

This is the same guy that had to

resign from the U.S. Supreme Court Bar on Friday rather than face a threatened suspension.

I’d sooner take relationship advice from Chris Brown, or cooking advice from Jeffrey Dahmer than be lectured about how words manner by a douche that once equivocated based on “what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is.”

I love the paragons of appropriateness they trot out. It’s simply laughable.