I had a few moments of time to get an interview with Fabius Flatulus Maximus. He was looking forward to being appointed to the Trump Administration’s position for Secretary of Defense. Since he retired from the Army of the Roman Imperium several centuries ago, his opinions do have the benefit of time and distance.
His first observation was that we don’t pay the troops nearly enough. Taking into consideration that the Roman Army did not provide housing or food allowances to the troops, but instead gave them bonuses or annonae and quarterly donatives greater than their base pay, they were expected to pay for everything out of their own pockets. Some items he told me about included a modius (8 litres) of salt. At today’s prices, 100 modii of sala (salt) will cost an average price of $620, and 100 modii would last a Roman household about two years. The reason the price of salt was so high back then was the cost of camel caravan transport, never mind fending off thieves and mining the stuff. While Fabius is impressed with our production and transportation methods, which do lower the cost, he still thinks we don’t put enough thought into it.
“No, we don’t pay the troops in salt,” he said. “Even the munifici* get paid in coins. Sala is a bonus, but we mostly use it for trade with native tribes for sex and local beer. They’re glad to have it..” *A munfex is the lowest rank in the Roman Army.
I asked him to give me the lowdown on how the Roman Army paid its troops, at the basic levels, not including the Praetorian Guard, and here’s what he gave me.
Soldiers’ base pay in denarii:
average Roman soldier,annually 1800
annual grain annona (1 bonus per year) 600
quarterly donative (4 per year) 2500
Additionally, every soldier receives a grain allotment as follows:
30 modii of wheat per year that would be worth 3000
Total Annual Pay for an average Roman Soldier 15,400
Converting the denarius and sestertius (4 sesterces 1 denarius) to US dollars, the denarius is worth $6.20 to $9, depending on inflation, and the figures are as follows.
Soldiers’ base pay in USDollars:
average Roman soldier,annually $11,160 to $16,200
annual grain annona (1 bonus per year) $3,720 to $5,400
quarterly donative (4 per year) $15,500 to $22,500 quarterly
(annual total donative total = $62,000 to $90,000 per year)
Additionally, every soldier receives a grain allotment as follows:
30 modii* of wheat per year that would be worth $18,600 to $27,000
*30 modii = 240 liters of wheat
Total Annual Pay for an average Roman Soldier $95,480 to $138,600
I did ask Fabius what he thought of today’s armored vehicles. His response was clear: “You spend too much on that. A good army pack mule will cost about $1500 to $1800. The Humvee alone costs about $220,000. You could buy a thousand mules and feed them for two full years for what you spend on one of those machines, never mind the fuel they use and the maintenance cost. And besides, mules are smart as hell. They can be trained to sniff out explosives a mile away and warn you. If you don’t pay attention, they’ll kick you in the nuts to remind you. Respect the mule! Pay the troops better. And stop hiring jackasses.”
He had other things to add, so we’re getting together over pizza and beer next week..
Comments
75 responses to “Romany Army Veteran to be Trump Administration’s Secretary of Defense”
Duffel blog?
Satire or not, sounds good to me.
Well, I’m trying it out here, first, to see how the wind blows on it.
Does this mean our infantry will re-start the time honored tradition of carrying barrier making materials on the march and constructing organized COPs every evening after the march?
Another bonus would be to bring back the practice of carrying body armor and weaponry on a yoke during forced marches, rather than having to wear the danged stuff.
No more pinching and road blisters, eh?
I think going back to traditional Combat Sandals would be nice, at least in moderate weather.
will Biggus Diccus be chief of staff for the Centurions ?
That would be Flavius Mentula Maxima, sgt vaarkman.
Isn’t Flavius Mentula Maxima in command of the Fappium Century?
Entirely possible, grimmy. I’ll see what I can find out about him.
Too late! The Jackasses have already been hired, now the problem is to get RID of them!!
Early out, perhaps?
Damn! I did proofread and my blind went eyes. The title makes it look like I’m talking about hiring gypsies, fer Pete’s sake.
Gypsy lives matter.
GLM?
I’m sure Soros got money for them too.
There’s always gonna be something that slips by when proofing your own works.
That’s why independent writers who don’t have the back up of professional editors need alpha readers and that’s what you did by posting here first.
You’re doing it right.
PS. General James “Mad Dog” Mattis (USMC, ret.) for Sec Def!
Doesn’t Matthis have to wait a few years to be eligible for that position?
Donno the rules on that, myself.
If it’s so, just install a place holder that won’t screw things up until Mattis can take over and clean house.
A guy can dream, right?
Congress can waiver that.
I think the current rule set is that the POTUS gets whatever he wants whenever he wants it, as long as he has an writing implement and a postit notepad to write up executive orders.
I was curious who this was, and wondered if you were referring to George Soros.
Being of Romany descent, I was going to request my heritage not be sullied by saying that guy is Romany. Even if he is, we wouldn’t want people making that connection.
No, sorry, it was just a typo on my part, Denise! But it did give people some fun.
Love the article, but need an edit of your title. Romany is the language of Gypsies.
I know, and I DID proofread the thing!
Proof-reading our own work without the benefit of a week’s distance from the writing of it tends to be “iffy” at best.
I certainly shan’t be throwing any stones over a little mistake like that.
Hint for proof reading; start at the end and read back to the top. You’ll be surprised at how many errors and typos you’ll find.
Good idea. I will do that. Thank you!
Or you can pass it to me. I’m a hell of a proofreader. A Grammar Nazi too.
And I work cheap. Chocolate chip cookies.
Thank you for the offer. I may take you up on that.
Excellent article.
Why, thank you, Graybeard!
No HFP for the troops?
HFP?
HFP = Hostile Fire Pay.
Oh. Well, then, HFP comes under the heading of looting and pillaging, doesn’t it?
HFP didn’t amount to much. Back in Viet of the Nam it was $65.00 a month for both officer and enlisted.
Nowadays I hear it’s $225.00 a month.
So back in the day of Flatulent Maximus it was probably only about $3.50 a month.
Still not enough money for potentially getting your ass shot off 24/7/365.
Well, just don’t bother discussing anything with Mabus Flatulus Maximus. That gasbag can’t do anything except parrot what his master wants to hear. I don’t believe he’s had an original thought in decades.
I’m waiting for the howling and whimpering to start.
And here I was trying to think if I knew a guy in the Army named Romany. lol.
Will gender reassignment surgery still be authorized?
That would be under Caligula. I doubt it will fly under a more conservative commander.
And Caligula gets to do the surgery.
With a gladius short sword.
I did not ask about that, but I do have something planned along those lines of inquiry.
Well, there’s that issue and then that whole thing about the Isle of Lesbos, and recruiting Amazons. These are all kind of testy issues right now.
Wouldn’t that be “testes” issues?
Not yet!!!!
What about the pillaging?
“Supplemental income.”
Part of the bennies, but no guarantees on net worth, so I couldn’t include it.
Then could we again sing the jody:
We’re gonna RAPE…KILL…PILLAGE & BURN…
We’re gonna RAPE, KILL, PILLAGE & BURN
Yah-Yah-YAH!
Couldn’t sing that one since 1981 when my CO told me not to do it again.
Kill without mercy.
Blood makes the grass grow green.
The Law of the Bayonet.
Why is the sky blue?
The lack of guarantees on net worth hasn’t seemed to slow down the practice in the past.
As I recall, the whole fight between Achilles and Agamemnon in the Iliad was over one item of “supplemental income” (and a pretty one at that), and Odysseus lamented greatly the loss of his “supplemental income” along with his men in the Odyssey.
Spoils of war. Not taxable income.
No offense meant to the OP for this off topic comment but I thought y’all’d want to see this:
http://tribunist.com/news/obama-administration-tells-medal-of-honor-recipient-he-cannot-attend-marine-corps-ball/
Snip:
Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer said he was invited by the Marines in Kabul, Afghanistan to join to celebrate the 241st birthday of the Corps on November 10th. Due to security issues inside Afghanistan, the ball was to be held inside the embassy itself.
…
As arrangements were being finalized, however, the Medal of Honor recipient was told that he would not be able to come. Why? Because Meyer has been an outspoken critic of the Obama administration.
Ambassador P. Michael McKinley ordered his chief of mission to “look into” the Medal of Honor recipient and, based on the report he was given about Meyer’s political views, decided he would not allow Meyer to attend the ball inside the embassy.
end snip.
****
Full story at link above.
Yeah, I’m sure it was all political and had nothing at all to do with the logistics and cost of safely getting him into a hostile area for a ball.
Any decent First Spear could shape up that dysfunctional organization right quick.
You know, I’m thinking that Trump should try to find a place for Hillary in his administration, to appropriately reward her for her years of government service.
Yep, I think she should be the next ambassador to Libya.
(Shamelessly stolen from someone over at reason.com)
Isn’t there something closer to a war zone, like some small town in Syria, wher she could really show her stuff?
Never mind. I just hit my own gag reflex with that.
Brilliant article.
Next, ask Gaius Avidius Cassius about fighting in Syria.
Oh, the wannabe usurper. I think he lasted four months, or something, got a letter from Herodes Atticus: Emanes (You’re nuts!), and then his officers killed him. He got the damnatio memoriae instead of being elevated to the status of the gods through the Apotheosis (Snrrk.)
How much were transgendered operations for solders during Roman times?
Adjusting for inflation. Of course…
If I recall correctly, there was no operation, but medical care was included with military service.
Caligula was known for dressing in peculiar costumes, too.
Mercenaries.
It usually works.
Unless they get a taste and want it for themselves.
They always want some for themselves. I think it was Hannibal who hired the Iberians (Spanish) to fight on his side in the Punic Wars, but I have to look that up.
Not very reliable, if I recall correctly, but that’s was the Brits also found when they engaged in the Peninsular Wars against Napoleon Bonaparte.
I love it! Thank you Ex-PH2.
You forgot the bonus of loot and rapine, including the taking of slaves,
That’s addressed at this comment. Part of the bennies.
http://thisainthell.us/blog/?p=68939&cpage=1#comment-2922855
In some ancient societies, roads and cities developed as a result of the salt trade.
The expression to be worth one’s salt, which means you’re competent and deserve what you’re earning, is most often said to have its roots in ancient Rome, where soldiers were sometimes paid in salt or given an allowance to purchase it. The word salary is derived from the Latin “salarium,” which originally referred to a soldier’s allowance to buy salt. http://www.history.com/news/ask-history/where-did-the-expression-worth-ones-salt-come-from
Ducit Amor Patriae!
PS read: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marian_reforms
Munfex is incorrect. It was Munifex
Roman Army Ranks – Hierarchy
The basic hierarchy of the Roman Army ranks was as follows:
The General / Dux / Imperator / Commander
The Lieutenants or Legates (legati) who frequently commanded separate legions
The Quaestor who was charged with the care of the military chest and the supplies
The Body-guards (cohors praetoria) of the senior officers
The military Tribunes (tribuni militum)
The Captains, or Centurions
Immunes – Soldiers with special skills
Standard bearers
Evocati – Veteran soldiers
Beneficiarii – the orderlies
Conicen – The musicians
Munifex – The Roman Soldiers – the lowest ranks equivalent to privates.
http://www.tribunesandtriumphs.org/roman-army/roman-army-ranks.htm
‘munfex’ is a typo.
So my critical MOS (at the time) as an E5 would make me an Immune? Cool.
You could also have been an Extraordinarius or a Questrionnarius. They had specialties, just as we have now.
Immune/exempt salaried seeking tenure as an Extraordinarius.