Author: TSO

Dear Ronald:

Man, don’t ever go to your restaurant on 38th Street in Indianapolis, the shit you would see there would turn your lustrous hair from red to grey.
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Is it:

When I was in grade school I met a lesbian she was in our seventh grade. I was always nice to her because I didn’t know anything about lesbians. She was the Safety Patrol and would always ask our teacher if I could help.

NOPE

Is it:

I was a member of a quad marriage (not according to the government, but then, there’s the rub). Nowadays, we’re a triad, but 10 years later, there still isn’t a damn thing acknowledging non standard marriage or partnership or whatever you care to call it.

NOPE

Is it:

There was a fair amount I wanted to say at this point. About equality under the law, or the politics of wedge issues, or the power of the Talibornagain. I wanted to express my distaste for her very essence being used by the morally-bankrupt Republicans to whip up voter turnout.

NOPE

The Winners (such as you guys are) were: SquidThinker, NR Pax, Finrod, ArmySergeant, and Jcrue who correctly identified the following as being from BrownNeckGaitor’s feverish DUllusional Mind.

I saw her a few years later at a WTO rally, she was with her partner and I was with mine. I still love her.

This contest brought to you weekly be sponsors from the world of food. Today’s installment brought to you by the Intra-national House of Pancakes.

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I’ve seen more realistic looking shit on Road Runner cartoons. Seriously, you guys need to ramp that shit up a bit, because this looks absurd. When a missile hits a flying object, there is generally some effect it has on the helicopter hovering there.

I half expect the rocket to say “ACME” on it.

UPDATE: I got a tip from my buddy A-Rome who is pretty sure that the same guys that made that video are the peeps in charge of special effects for this:

Back in the days of Yore, circa 2002, I was a frequent commenter on the Ann Coulter Chat website, until a moderator who needed a good poke in the ass banned me for suggesting so. I was invited there by my real life friend BrownNeckGaitor that I had served in Bosnia with. Anyway, it was how I met our own Claymore, who despite my never having met the man will be an usher in my wedding. (BNG will be my co-Best Man with my brother.) Anyway, we loved the Democratic Underground because of all the unintentional hilarity. We would talk about our favorites over there. Among our favorites were:

LadyHawke: Tried to commit suicide and got put on hold by the hotline, had some psychologist named “Tim” that she had this really unholy fascination with, and her “Fundi Mother” would never give her enough money to just sit around and play X-Box all day.

LiberalHistorian: Lived in Mom and Dad’s basement with her son, who (although 10) was also always on DU. She lived in Ohio but had an online relationship with NightTrain (from Mass) and they requested donations from DU to drive equidistance to hook up for 1 night. It fell through, but they never returned the cash. Eventually she moved to South Dakota, leaving her kid (who she called “Retarded” because he had Aspergers) with her parents.

NightTrain: A 40 year old beret wearing DJ who worked at a college radio station for free, and delivered pharmaceuticals to elderly patients in his 1978 crown vic.

MagicRat (who we actually DID like): Took a chick fishing on his first date. I am trying to locate it now, but it was undoubtably the funniest thing I ever read on DU. Only person over there that I would gladly buy a beer for just to hear the stories.

Anyway, back then we had a game that BNG ran where he would take 3 DU quotes, and then invent one, and let folks try to figure out which one was fake. I thought I would resurrect that because it was so damn funny.

Without further ado, I give you: The Lesbian Whisperer….

1:

When I was in grade school I met a lesbian
she was in our seventh grade. I was always nice to her because I didn’t know anything about lesbians. She was the Safety Patrol and would always ask our teacher if I could help. Seems no one else wanted to. One day the teacher took me aside and said was she overly friendly I said no she just talks and laughs and says no body likes her. The teacher nodded and let it go. I always wondered why. All Thur life I would meet and greet her. Even after some one told me she was a lesbian and I knew what that meant.

I also was very good friends with a gay fellow. He used to go roller skating with my girl friend and I. And he later would find us some place and hang on. He worked with me also. I saw the snide remarks people made of him but he was a heck of a nice guy.

I don’t understand why people are so upset with people that are different these two individuals were very very nice, very friendly and never once did the lesbian make a “move” on me as people said she would So I get upset when they talk about them.

2:

I was a member of a quad marriage (not according to the government, but then, there’s the rub). Nowadays, we’re a triad, but 10 years later, there still isn’t a damn thing acknowledging non standard marriage or partnership or whatever you care to call it. Eons ago, I was in a monogamous marriage of one woman and one man and I can promise you, there isn’t anything different going on in my house nowadays than then (except for some extra scheduling difficulties and trying to remember who you told what to). I suspect the same is true of same sex couples, triads, quads and so on.

And don’t even get me started on the egregious mix of church and state that a marriage encompasses but if we must have it that way, religion needs to get out of the business of deciding who may enter into such a union. Of course, if I had my way, marriage would be the purview of religions and civil unions (without a restriction on number or gender) would be the purview of the state. Needless to say, I’m not holding my breath.

3.

I don’t think I will ever forget my first lesbian

We were both in 10th grade, I was at the time living the life my parents wanted so I was playing 3 varsity sports. And following my parent’s plan, I was dating one of the girls on the softball team. We did the hole thing and even went to prom together (I know). I loved her. Every one went to a motel for some collegent style drunk fest. Everyone was hooking up, and we just sat and looked at each other nursing our first beer. Her parents moved during that summer.

I saw her a few years later at a WTO rally, she was with her partner and I was with mine. I still love her.

4.

I’m an enumerator for the Census this year and I’m running around rural Minnesota trying to find all the people that didn’t return a Census form….

I pulled up to a house, gather my stuff, and knock on the door. No answer, so I leave a notice and head back to my car.

A woman emerges from behind a somewhat shabby barn and greets me. We exchange pleasantries, I sharpen my #2 pencil, and we get to work.

“Did you or anyone in this household live or stay here on April 1st, 2010?”

Yup.

“Does somebody usually live at this house, or is it a vacation or seasonal home?”

She indicates they live there full time.

“How many people were staying here on April 1st?”

Two.

“Okay, then, let’s make a list of all these people. Please start with the name of a homeowner or renter who was living here on April 1st. Otherwise. start with any adult living here.”

She names Person 1 and Person 2. Both names are feminine.

“Okay, how is Person 2 related to Person 1?”

“Other”, she says quickly, sharply.

“Um, if you could look at List B on your information sheet and pick the best one that would be great” I said, pointing to the column on the piece of paper.

She scans down the list and finds what she wants near the bottom, one notch above “Other nonrelative”.

“‘Unmarried partner’” she says, a trace of sadness in her voice. “The state won’t recognize us”.

She purses her lips at this point, still looking at List B.

There was a fair amount I wanted to say at this point. About equality under the law, or the politics of wedge issues, or the power of the Talibornagain. I wanted to express my distaste for her very essence being used by the morally-bankrupt Republicans to whip up voter turnout.

OK people, pick out the phony DUmmy. No googling!

UNRELATED: Food And Wine magazine has a WONDERFUL recipe for Smoked-Salmon Carpaccio with Brioche and Caviar. After the jump is the picture. (Trust me, you want to look.)

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Screw you Neutrogena Fresh Cooling Sunblock, Body Mist SPF 70,
My burnt skin keeps me crying day and night,
Like Dick Blumenthal when he saw his best friend killed,
In a firefight in the ‘Nam, misplaced Arc-light.

My reddish hue, my skin afire, aloe does not soothe,
Fiancee, worst applier of skin protection eveh;
Spent the day playing in the surf, bobbing like a crab trap
Now I sit here like a statue, wishing my skin I could sever.

Oh hated orb which doth rule the day;
Why this pain you caused that has brought me low?
And no mercy can be found by night or day-
Wish I was in Colorado again to lay in the snow.

A fatwa upon you, oh bright hydrogen and helium sphere;
For the burning misery which into my shell you did sear.

ALSO: Joining my Fatwa list is the in-flight trivia game on Delta flights. I won 4 of the 7 games on my flight from Colorado to Atlanta, but on one I lost there was a question which asked losely:
“______ are inspected by paleobotanists trying to figure out what flora existed in a certain period.”

Now, the answer according to Delta was “Coal Ball” which I acknowledge is correct, HOWEVER, the answer I chose was “Copralites” which everyone knows is fossilized dinosaur crap. Now, this “incorrect” answer cost me 600 points and the game, and I am happy to report that my answer was also correct.

THEREFORE: I demand that Neutrogena immediately provide me with a whirlpool for my back porch, that is entire filled with some cool semi-fluid substance that will wisk away the pain. And that when I recover, Delta Air provides me with long round trip tickets to anywhere that has their trivia game, that I might once again assert my trivial dominance.

While I am at it, Indiana Bureau of Motor Vehicles, don’t think I have ended my fatwa on you over your poorly worded drivers exam. If I hear from Caro one more time how she only got 1 wrong and I got 2 wrong because of your poor syntax and logically fallacious English skills, I will get lawyer to the stars Branum to sue you for one giga-zillion dollars. To be paid out in plane tickets and aloe whirlpools.

Two and a half miles up and sucking air like he was running the last 100m of a bar crawl.

In some short folks’ houses.

And in the Garden of the Gods.

I’d move here in a heartbeat, but my betrothed ruled that out due to weather concerns.