Author: TSO

And we are contractually obligated with the vast right wing conspiracy to put up posts, I give you this. I ask that as you listen to it you ponder just what Brian Boitano *would* do, and what Charles Johnson would do, since he also can do a triple lutz while wearing his blind fold.

(BTW- NO ONE except Sniper got my Belladona O Ring reference. I swear I thought that was the funniest thing I have written in 39 years, and was devastated that a few people were asking about it. Trust me on this one, DO NOT GOOGLE Belladona and O Ring while at work. But, God it was an awesome reference.)

Answers are on the board:

1) Bicycle riding is for Lance Armstrong, mormons and Teh Gheys. Just kidding on the Gheys. Also, those assholes who have those spontaneous rides where they block traffic and then some pissed off homie runs over one of them and they all cry like Nancy Kerrigan or those obnoxious dolls that cry when separated.

2) Jazz sucks. Hasn’t been the same since John Stockton retired and Bleeding Gums Murphy died. Also, I never get the words right.

3) You know how you go out early in the morning on your bike, and you go to the beach, and you sit there, and you wait…and you wait…and suddenly the sun comes up. And you have perfectly situated yourself to shoot the sun rising over the water (or I guess setting since you are west coast) and you have it centered between two volleyball nets, and you come up with a pithy title like, “Splitting the Nets, a Sun is Born”. And you tell us how you shot it with a Kodak Whatthefuck 1400 with a Whocares lens with a shutterspeed that is slower than that of Belladona’s O ring? Yeah. No one gives a shit. It’s like when I used to climb mountains in Afghanistan with an M204, surrounded by ANA guys in Reeboks while I pray that one of them was carrying cardiac paddles, because the asshole that had me carrying 120 lbs of shit didn’t think it all the way through. Both stories nearly the same, only mine has slightly less phaggitocity. (Just ask Nathan Lane, he’ll tell you. BTW- I talked to him last night and he wants you to man up.) I’ll take Michael Yon’s photography 99 times out of 100 over yours. Except that one he did from the helicopter through nods that just looked like shaky green lights. That one blew. Plus, my girlfriend is the greatest food photgrapher in the world. And I have yet to see you do “Cupcake on the Counter” in the proper light like she does.

4) Pony Tails. Unless you are some wandering shaolin monk or something, it just looks ridiculous. Cut that shit off and get a high and tight. You aren’t a shoalin monk are you? Man I am gonna feel bad if Killgore Trout posts something tomorrow about how you were found unconscious with a rope tied around your neck and your junk.

5) I’m a veteran, and thus an extremist. I am cold today, and thus a climate denier. I think Obama has been bad on most issues, and thus a racist. I think less government is better, and thus a militia member. And I think words written on a blog are just words written on a blog, and thus a self-hating professional apparently. Or, it could just be that the world is made up of many folks of many opinions, and I support each of them telling me what they think, without classifying them with titles that are ambiguous at best, and mal-descriptive (not actually a word, but I couldn’t come up with the right one) for the vast bulk of times they are used.

Although Ace and Blackfive have been my favorite blogs for as long as I’ve known what blogs were, I always liked Little Green Footballs. At one point on my mental list, they were a close #3. Especially since Charles was actually pretty good about responding to emails. Ace pretty much blows at it, and Burden last time I went drinking with him showed me his blackberry that had something like 42k unanswered emails. So, I really appreciated that Charles responded to my first email, and I started reading him daily.

As you know, we parted ways with him back a few months ago when he seemed to have left the reservation. At first I couldn’t quit cold turkey, so even though I cancelled my account, I would go back and read it. But you can only read so many posts where Charles purports A as fact, and 200 people leave 500 comments that “Oh God Charles, you are so right! No one has ever been as right as you! A is a fact!” So, I stopped reading entirely about 2 months ago.

I only went back this morning because of an email from Jonn.

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Jonn is out today, and demanding more posts, so here you go. Even for the bulk of you have no idea what I am talking about, this will have some relevance.

As all who have goofed on me know, I play a lot of World of Warcraft. I stopped playing everyday a few months ago and went to my once a week schedule where I just play with Claymore and his wife and son, and a few of my friends from upstate NY. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago I realized that I never had any money in the game (ie. Gold) and decided I would take a few minutes each day to check out the price of commodities in the Auction House. Specifically I wanted to see if prices fluctuated from the week to the weekend.

OK, so some backdrop info. In the game you quest around to get gold or gear, with a goal of getting more gold to buy better gear, to go into rougher areas to get more gold to get better gear, and so on. You spend the most of your time alternating between questing, where you go and do a mission for a set amount of gold, or going into dungeons and running around with 4 other folks killing shit and taking their gold and clothes. Anyway, if you are a mage, and you get a crossbow you can’t use, then the Auction House allows you to go in and sell it to another player for whatever cost they will pay. But you can also sell commodities, mostly ore & metal (to craft stuff), gems (to go into your crafted stuff), cloth, leather, and a bunch of similar things.
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From the love missive sent to my email this morning:

Dear President Obama,
Do you really want to be the new “war president”? If you go to West Point tomorrow night (Tuesday, 8pm) and announce that you are increasing, rather than withdrawing, the troops in Afghanistan, you are the new war president. Pure and simple. And with that you will do the worst possible thing you could do — destroy the hopes and dreams so many millions have placed in you.

Um, really? The worst thing he can do is destroy the hopes and dreams of you and your followers? I don’t remember seeing your name anywhere on my ballot, so when were you elected to give voice to us again? I can think of several things worse that destroying the hopes and dreams you had, like for instance destroying the hopes and dreams of little girls in Afghanistan who want to go to school to learn without worrying about having vials of acid thrown in their faces.

It is not your job to do what the generals tell you to do. We are a civilian-run government. WE tell the Joint Chiefs what to do, not the other way around. That’s the way General Washington insisted it must be. That’s what President Truman told General MacArthur when MacArthur wanted to invade China. “You’re fired!,” said Truman, and that was that. And you should have fired Gen. McChrystal when he went to the press to preempt you, telling the press what YOU had to do. Let me be blunt: We love our kids in the armed services, but we f*#&in’ hate these generals, from Westmoreland in Vietnam to, yes, even Colin Powell for lying to the UN with his made-up drawings of WMD (he has since sought redemption).

Two things on this passage.

1) “WE tell the Joint Chiefs what to do”? Really? Where is that in the Constitution? I know the President can, but “WE”? You are telling me that George Washington set up a system of government where any fat piece of shit from Flint Michigan can just walk up to the Joint Chiefs and tell them what to do?

2) we love the troops, but not the generals. Ok, when do they go from us supporting them to us hating them? Is it when they put on that first star? Or is it a graduated scale, where we really like the E1’s and really hate the O10’s, and everywhere in between is slightly different? And you know that guy you held out in part 1, that Washington guy, well, I don’t want to confuse you, but he was a general. Yeah, no shit, go look it up.

Choose carefully, Mr. President. Your corporate backers are going to abandon you as soon as it is clear you are a one-term president and that the nation will be safely back in the hands of the usual idiots who do their bidding. That could be Wednesday morning.

So before it was the hopes and dreams of the millions who put him there, now it is the corporate backers?

Dude, you truly are a fooking idiot.

I just read this, which I saw in the HotAir Headlines. First off, like the Brady Campaign before him, Bloomberg tries to use the Fort Hood shooting to illustrate some point about gun control.

During the Clinton administration, the FBI had access to records of gun background checks for up to 180 days. But in 2003, Congress began requiring that the records be destroyed within 24 hours. This requirement, one of the many restrictions on gun data sponsored by Rep. Todd Tiahrt (R-Kan.), meant that Hasan’s investigators were blocked from searching records to determine whether he or other terrorist suspects had purchased guns. When Hasan walked out of Guns Galore in Killeen, Tex., the FBI had only 24 hours to recognize and flag the record — and then it was gone, forever.

As former FBI agent Brad Garrett has said, “The piece of information about the gun could have been critical. One of the problems is that the law sometimes restricts you in what you can do.”

Really? The knowledge about the gun would be critical? They were about to send him overseas to serve in the military, I think you are safe assuming that if he didn’t have a gun then, that he shortly would have one.

Under no circumstances would this proposed law change have had any impact at all. Not one iota. You want to limit the number of deaths in an event like this? How about letting the troops carry their personally owned firearms. Pretty sure that would have limited it.

The Brady Campaign would have us believe that Psychiatrists having the ability to ban Veterans from getting firearms would have prevented this, and Bloomberg believes that had the FBI known that Hasan had a firearm that they would have moved on him. Neither of those positions makes even the slightest bit of sense, but that is what I have come to expect from them.

It is only with the slightest hint of hyperbole that I say that this story may ruin my entire Thanksgiving meal.

Look, I love Indiana. I like looking out over the nice mall to the Scottish Rite Castle. I like the Canal area, walking around and avoiding the vagrants who helped me move in. I like my 1 minute 15 second commute to work. But God this story has me mad.

First off, the silhouette and voice changing? Really? Dude got hit in the nuts, he didn’t out an Al Qaeda plot. Enough of the anonymizer shit. If you get hit in the junk, you man up. First rule of nut hitter club is to never talk about nut hitter club.

Second, what is with the melodramatic voice modulation? It’s ball tapping, and I assure you Bev has no friggin clue about the intracacies of Ball Tapping.

Third, if you get hit in the junk, you do not go to a school nurse. Not ever. You go to your gym teacher.

Fourth, Ball Tapping was not invented in Indiana. I got news for you Channel 13 Investigates (if that is your real name) I was ball tapping 20 years ago when I was in the 3rd grade (for the 5th time.) I even found a ton of historical references to Ball Tapping.

From Marco Polo’s report of Kublai Khan’s Park, c. 1275:

In this city [Shang-tu] Kublai Khan built a huge palace of marble and other ornamental stones. Its halls and chambers are all gilded, and the whole building is marvellously embellished and richly adorned. For sport, the men hit each other in the testicles, and then fall upon themselves in mirth.

Or, how about Cristoforo Fioravanti’s “Observations of a Venetian Traveller” discussing Norwegian Fisherfolk, 1432. (Spelling errors from text included.)

In this lland there are twelve little Houses, with about one hundred and twentie persons, for the most part Fishermen, and they are by nature indued with understanding to know how to make Boates, Buckets, Tunnes, Baskets, Nets of all sorts, and every other thing necessarie for their use and trade. And they are very curteous one toward another and serviceable, desirous to please rather for love, than for hope of any gift or good turne to bee done them againe. At times, upon each others familie jewels they will athwack, and falling nearby shall engage in the most boisterous laffter….

Or how about Sergeant Major Edward Cotton’s “Dawn with the 7th Hussars” which he wrote on the eve of the battle of Waterloo, 18 June 1815:

At the break of day, all who were able began to be oin the move. There were many who from cold and fatigue were unable to stir for some time. Some were cleaning arms, others fetching wood, water, straw etc, from Mont St Jean – my present place of abode – some trying from the embers of our bivouac to light up the fires. As time passed and some refused to rise, I set the men on then, to deliver one strike each to the left testicle of each recalcitrant man, and thereby to encourage him to arousal to meet the enemy.

So enough all ready. A direct shot to the nads is actually less painful than a grazing shot. I’ve taken some of those 3 step grazers in my life, and you think you are fine, but before the sole of your foot strikes down for the 4th step, you are on your back holding your boys tight and praying for a quick death. So the force exerted is not actually all that much of an indication to how much it hurt.

Someday if I get my wish, Ball Tapping will be an olympic sport. And when it is, we can blame Channel 13’s investigative reporting for why we don’t bring home the gold. I’m guessing it’ll be a country like Lichtenstein that wins, because there you can strike a man in the nuts and he doesn’t bitch to the first television camera.

Now, Man up Indiana. Don’t make me show you the brain.

You know, it occurs to me that only one dude in history has never lost at ball tapping. This guy. Which is why they put him on the Ballsy Award, presented annually by the Downtown Athletic Club. Or something.

I look forward to SPLC’s emails. I truly do. They try so hard to justify what they do that it cracks me up. So anyway, today’s was especially fun. Let’s start with their 4 news stories.

The first one is a legitimately screwed up story that I think we covered before. “Three Accused of Arivaca Killings to Have Two Trials” go and read it if you are of a mind to do so. That one is fairly legit, but I do find it interesting that this was their big story, and yet I don’t remember reading anything about the Christian/Newsom murders that seemed to have an anti-white bias. But, so it goes with SPLC, some murders are more equal than others.

The next story is about Klansman rallying before an Old Miss game. Here is part of the story:

About a dozen hooded Ku Klux Klan members rallied briefly at the University of Mississippi before Saturday’s football game with No. 10 LSU.

The members of the Mississippi White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan spent about 10 minutes waving flags, displaying Nazi-style salutes and occasionally gesturing at a group of about 250 hecklers that included young children. They were protesting the school’s decision to drop a pep song that included “Dixie.”

Now, imagine if you will that you are enroute to a football game to watch your team beat the hell out of another team. And you look over, and these retards are standing there:

Assuming you have the cognitive abilities God gave a Styrofoam cup, is this going to encourage you to join the white supremacy movement, or to come away thinking, “I didn’t really like Dixie enough to be seen with these asshats”? I’m guessing the latter. I think it is pretty clear that the ghosts here have run their course.

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