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Keith Barnes; squatch hunter

by Jonn Lilyea••53

One of our ninjas send us a story about Keith Barnes who told authorities in Arkansas that he was employed by the US government’s Interior Department to track and record Big Foot movements. The Interior Department responded that he doesn’t work for them and that no job exists;

During the criminal impersonation investigation, the sheriff’s office received an anonymous tip that Barnes had child pornography.

According to the news release, “sufficient evidence” was found, and Barnes was arrested Tuesday on a charge of possessing or viewing matter depicting sexually explicit conduct involving a child.

He was released from jail after posting $50,000 bond, authorities say, and is scheduled to appear in court June 18.

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53 thoughts on “Keith Barnes; squatch hunter”

    1. My thoughts, too. Creativity and originality should be rewarded, so I will give him two points.

  2. WTF was the point of this delusional stunt? Claiming to be a Federal Cryptozoologist in search of Bigfoot and expecting for folks to believe it is insane, so maybe that’s it.

    The tickle monster part surprises no one.

      1. And imagine the amount of fur you’d have to pick out of your teeth afterwards.
        /not grossed out because I’m already a sick MFer.

        1. Annnndddd both of you need to give warnings when you post things like this. Dr. Pepper through the nose makes the eyes hurt!

    1. I’m in search of “the golden temple of the Himalayas”

      (“Brighton Beach Memoirs” quote)

    2. I think a lot of us are. Now if the Government wanted to pay me for it, that’d be an awesome job.

      1. I am still trying to get a VA loan to start a stud farm. They seem reluctant.

  5. Federal bigfoot hunter?

    Do I smell a Discovery Channel “reality” show in the making?

      1. I am open to the possibility that Sasquatch could exist. Of course, there’s a pretty wide gap between “possible” and “likely.”

        That being said, I once watch one of those “Bigfoot hunter” reality shows and quickly determined that on the outside chance that squatch is real, these toothless retards sure as hell won’t be the ones to find it!

        1. I saw Hunting Big Foot in the tv guide once and it was on season 5 or 6. How many years will people watch a guy finding nothing?

      2. I knew about that show, but this guy has the backing of the federal government. You know they’re never wrong!

    2. I haven’t heard of any Sasquatch sightings lately, I hope he’s still all right!

  6. My son turned three on Tuesday, and my daughter will celebrate her first birthday next month.

    This guy ought to be skinned.

      1. Eh. Scaphism is completely sickening. And this is coming from a guy who just suggested skinning as a form of punishment.

      2. Although, I suppose some people could be scaphed. I’ll agree with Alighieri that traitors are the worst of the worst- so throw Manning and Hanssen in the boats.

  8. A good story was ruined with that kiddie porn crap. I won’t comment on that inasmuch as the ‘informant’ is not described as adult, child, relative, male, female, whatever.

  10. Sasquatch? In Arkansas?

    Oh, THAT’s why the Clintons chose to live there!

    The other part: a large tree should fall on his feet.

  11. Sasquatch hunter? Okay, another Nuthatch.

    Kiddie pr0n fan? Better off dead.

    1. Nuthatches are honorable birds, API.

      They are known to remove pests victimizing trees, quite forcefully. They are also very talented, being one of the few birds that can eat insects and nuts while hanging upside down on a treetrunk.

      1. I know about Nuthatches, IMHO they’re THE most fun bird to watch while they’re going about their business, maybe I should have used “nut-job” instead?

  12. “The Interior Department responded that he doesn’t work for them and that no job exists”

    But was does exist are thousands of employees working “climate change”.

  13. If they posted this job on usajobs, it’d be the job with the most applications in the history of the universe.

  14. He is a diaper-sniper POS. I hope he finds a Samsquanch, which tears him apart on sight

  15. “Your mission, Keith, should you decide to accept it, is… As usual, should you or any member of your I.M. Force be captured or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your existence. This tape will self-destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Keith!”

  17. Sasquatch has to be real since I saw him doing a beef jerky commercial on TV a couple of times.

  19. Isn’t “Sasquatch Keeper” the team who escorted Mike Obama around for 8 years?

  21. Stolen Valor (of any kind); the rancid cherry topping the shit sundae.

  22. With my bad peepers, I first thought the title was “snatch hunter” and that piqued my interest. Alas, another poser. But the term “squatch hunter”–could that be a new down-low term for hunting fat pu**y? That way he could hunt himself and upon capture self-eliminate his genes from the master gene pool.

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