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Juan Carlos Cruzvaladez, Fake Navy SEAL

by IAS••72

The staff over at militaryphony.com continue diving for fake Navy SEALS.  They send us this Juan Carlos Cruzvaladez individual.  It seems he has been making claims all over social media for a while that he is a Navy SEAL .

Ahhh, and the always ever present tattoo.

It appears that he also makes claims of being some kind of secret undercover agent, except on FaceBook where everyone on the interwebnet thingy knows about it. You can see the rest of what is posted about this guy HERE.   Of course militaryphony.com checked the SEAL database and mysteriously could not find our little buddy listed, so they ordered his records.

We checked the UDT/SEAL database and were not all that shocked to learn he never graduated from BUD/S. A FOIA request was sent to get his official records. We learned that he originally served 4 years and 3 months as an ABH. It also seems that he came back in as a reservist or returning Navy Veteran to add 3 more months to his active duty time. He served on the USS Tarawa and the USS Harry S Truman. Under ‘SCHOOLS’ it lists “none”. He was awarded a National Defense Service Medal, Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal, Good Conduct Medal, and a Sea Service Deployment Ribbon for his first block of service. He received no awards for the second block.

Making waves about being a Navy SEAL these days is just not what it used to be.  Juan Carlos Cruzvaladez was never a Navy SEAL, he should have been proud of the service he did have.

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72 thoughts on “Juan Carlos Cruzvaladez, Fake Navy SEAL”

    1. Come on, lighten up.

      It was the laughter in the chow line when he flashed the tat that did him in.

  2. juancarloscruzvaladez. Jebbebus. And what’s his hat read, “Shitforbrains Staff?”

  3. From ‘chocks and chains’ to a SEAL…not bad. I do think the ‘Boggus’ on top of the SEAL license plate is a cryptic way of telling on himself.

  4. In addition to all of his phony SEAL claims, over at the Military Phonies site he also says in a Facebook post that he’s “an undercover federal spec. Ops. Agent”.

    Yup, all of the real “undercover” operators always talk about their “undercover” status on social media. They all do that. They find that it really increases their effectiveness and longevity.

    That, and the SEAL tattoo, make this guy totally legit in my book!

  5. I may have posted this before but I’ll be damned if I can remember….some years back one of my son’s in 5th SFG gave me an SF ball cap. I proudly wore in once!

    I was shopping at our local BJ’s box store when a Vet asked me which SF Group I served with as he looked at my hat.

    I stammered a bit and answered that I was with the 11th ACR 67-68 in RVN and did not serve with SF.

    I never wore that hat again since I was truly embarrassed….what in the hell goes through the minds of these numerous scumbags that “proudly” steal valor and project themselves as something they’re not.

    Absolutely stunning!

    1. Yeah, a friend who worked on the decommissioning gave me a Missouri ballcap – won’t part with it but sure as hell won’t wear it, either. Not my ship, not my service.

      1. We’re obviously (as we all are here) cut from the same cloth. Honor and integrity means everything to us.

        That hat resides on a nice 8-point Whitetail Buck I got a few years ago – it looks better there than on my head, anyway. LOL!

    2. Sir,

      You’re son was on the 5th sfg, I would simply have said that. I, personally, would never think another thing about it. Thank you both.

  6. OK Let’s get this out of the way….

    Juan Carlos Cruzvaladez work balls, tickles taint and tongue punches hobo’s crusty fart boxes all, I guess, while being a syphilitic, pile infested, inflamed, gaping, ball working asshole, shit tonguing, cock gobbling, sperm burping, sniveling, lying, worthless, waste of oxygen, shitbag, moron, asshat, dick pickle, catcher, impotent koekeloeren, mumpsimus, douche nozzle, hemorrhoid, Milksop, jackwagon, Pettifogger, butt munch, not a SEAL, Not Spec Ops anything, insult to humanity, Handgallop, twat, tool, bint, sleezebag, weaksauce, Turd-Burglar, rimjobber, cum-dumpster, gonad, dopus, twizzletits, tallywacker, Bozack, Felcher, dingleberry, bitch, gimp, bescumber, coccydynia, micropeen, Hircismus, cheat, meapilas, Pendejo, Cacafuego, Cock-juggling, Cagaste y saltaste en la caca, Gilipollas, Cara de culo, Cerebros de mierda, Mono chupa, Puta de cabra, Le gusta lamer manchas viejas mans, *PUSSY* thundercunt.

    FUCK YOU, ASS HAMSTER!

    Here endith the lesson.

    1. Meh, I tend to think of him as a no-load pisspants candyassed pus-nuts twinkle-toed cock-gobbling thumbsucking bedwetting Men’s Room toe-tapping ball sack aficionado of a DINGLEBERRY that blows winks behind bus stops for spare change as well as another APL prospect.

    2. ” I guess, while being a syphilitic, pile infested, inflamed, gaping, ball working asshole, shit tonguing, cock gobbling, sperm burping, sniveling, lying, worthless, waste of oxygen, shitbag, moron, asshat, dick pickle, catcher, impotent koekeloeren, mumpsimus, douche nozzle, hemorrhoid, Milksop, jackwagon, Pettifogger……..”

      ChipNASA – that could be the BEST descriptive I’ve ever read.

      Good on you!!! Love it!

    4. Well Chip, he was an Aviation Boatswains Mate Handler. So I’m sure he got to then and probably still now “handles” quite a bit. Especially when he visits Florida and meets up with the DRG gang behind the dumpsters.

      He probably does a three-fer handling exhibition every now and then. I mean he does have two hands & a “purty” mouth.

    5. You can tell he’s a level 16 master of “call of Booty – Anal Buttsekks Warrior”… plays the optional download for seekrit skwirrl seals called “Operation Gerbil Felcher”

      Enjoy the fame, JUAN CARLOS CRUZVALDEZ!

  8. Wow. Take a look at that bad-ass, ‘tough guy’ 1000yd stare in that photo above.

    Shiver me timbers!

    Any sign of a motorcycle, leather vest, and/or a service dog?

      1. Tie down chains and chock blocks.

        Wait, maybe that should be his rate/rank.

        ACB3- Aviation Chock Block 3.

    2. ABH = Aviation Boatswain’s Mate-Handler

      They’re the Sailors that work up on the flight deck on aircraft carriers and amphibious assault ships.

      For example, they’re the ‘Yellow Shirts’ who supervise the movement, spotting and securing of aircraft on the flight deck.

      1. Bullshit, all they ever do is position your Helo or A/C either for takeoff or tiedown position. They will chock block (one block only) then direct you to where the chains and blocks are stored. Joe

        1. ‘Bullshit’? Really?

          Well, Joe, I guess that you’d better take your concerns about ‘bullshit’ up with the U.S. Navy:

          ‘ABH-Aviation Boatswain’s Mate, Aircraft Handling’

          http://www.cool.navy.mil/usn/enlisted/abh.htm

          ‘Aviation Boatswain’s Mates, Aircraft Handling (ABH) direct the movement and spotting of aircraft ashore and afloat; operate, maintain, and perform organizational maintenance on ground-handling equipment used for moving and hoisting of aircraft ashore and afloat; supervise securing of aircraft and equipment; perform crash rescue, firefighting, crash removal, and damage control duties; perform duties in connection with launching and recovery of aircraft.’

          By the way, I spent an entire career flying Marine Corps aircraft off of U.S. Navy flight decks, so take your calls of ‘bullshit’ regarding flight deck operations somewhere else, Joe.

            1. Among others. My understanding is they’re in direct competition with AO’s for who can be the stupidest airedales. And that takes some serious effort.

            1. OK, OldManchu; you got me. I’m finally/totally busted and outed as the true Stolen Valor charlatan that I am.

              You’re correct. The Marine Corps really doesn’t have any pilots; only the Navy has pilots. And I’m just a flagrant poser who comes in here periodically and makes shit up regarding Navy-Marine Corps issues and Naval Aviation.

              Now that I’ve been exposed, I’m sending my phony EGA, phony Naval Aviator wings, phony squadron patch, phony log books, and phony leather flight jacket in to TAH HQ immediately so that they can be incinerated and destroyed forever.

              The Marine Corps doesn’t have pilots. I wish that I had known that before I started posing as one.

              1. Shit….we have three MAW’s worth of Stolen Valor flying around then…liars! All of them liars!

  13. Everyone knows that once SEALs leave the service, they work in security positions at the esteemed, super secret, double classified Schlitterbahn Resort water parks.

    Everyone knows this.

    2. And everyone knows those separated from service SEALs also work for the Ambassador Worldwide Protection Agency in Memphis while they’re waiting to hear back on their job application to All Points Logistics of Merritt Island.

      Turd Bolling and Phildo are great employers.

  14. God, why does it always have to be Seal Posers? Nobody wants to be a Ranger anymore? I mean shit, at least get a cheap vest or something, all you can muster up is some cheap Chinese ball cap? My most prized possesion is my father’s WWII Veterans hat! It has a place of honor in my living room and I would never think of wearing it. Besides, somebody will probably think I look old enough to have been there??

    1. Rnagers haven’t had any cool sniper hunter movies made about them. Once that happens, SEALs are toast.

    2. I can only post them in the order we get all the paperwork and complete the investigation.

      Not to worry, somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred active investigations going on at the moment.

      At least that many more waiting to be processed.

      Plenty of Army posers in the mix.

      1. but how many of them are claiming to be Army Infantry converted to SATCOM?

        Not THAT is high speed, low drag, high pay!

        LOL!

    3. “cheap Chinese ball cap?”
      Yeah, I noticed the fit and finish looked off shore. Appears to be Lycra or Spandex.

  15. Given the number of SEALs here the past month, that leaves 14 people in the US who AREN’T SEALs. Me plus 13 of youse guys/gals.

    I knew this guy was bogus. Where’s the mutt? Probably cowering in fear.

  16. The only thing he knows about Seals, is what he learned at his TupperWare House party!

  17. If bogus SEALs aren’t your thing, and I’m thinking they aren’t, there is a two hour show tonight, History Channel, 1900, re the history of the real SEALs, from inception to present.

  18. Really? A fucking RENT-A-COP? That`s a badass occupation reserved only for J.C. and his ilk. Oh wait..Shhhhh. He`s undercover.

    Guessing Mr. Macho will be here issuing threats of severe ass-kickings soon.

  19. From his Facebook page…..

    Intro
    Did receive special forces training by army rangers, green berets, and unavy SEALS.

    What the hell is a “unavy” SEAL??

  21. Hey, Juan, here’s your star on the Google Walk of Shame. Enjoy. It will be on Google until the end of time.

  23. OH FFS….jock him up and throw him out of the plane…he’ll have the rest of his life to figure it out.

  25. He claims to have killed 6000 people in Niger! Ah yes, the Niger operation…one of those super-secret SEAL operations that no one can talk about, except on the internet.

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