Fox News reports that the terrorist organization, the Islamic State, is experiencing a cash shortage, so they’re cutting pay and perks in the Levant.
The extremists who once bragged about minting their own currency are having a hard time meeting expenses, thanks to coalition airstrikes and other measures that have eroded millions from their finances since last fall. Having built up loyalty among militants with good salaries and honeymoon and baby bonuses, the group has stopped providing even the smaller perks: free energy drinks and Snickers bars.
The article says that they only except dollars for services and that they’ve reduced the cost of releasing kidnapping victims. Maybe they don’t need to be carpet-bombed, but this is certainly taking a long time. I’m thinking that cutting off free candy bars and energy drinks won’t put much of a dent in the beheadings, though.
“Muhammed, have a Snickers.”
“Why?”
“Because you get all jihady when you get hungry.”
“BUT WE CAN’T AFFORD THEM ANY MORE!”
In the words of Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, “Dat’s a good one!”
Brilliant!
This could be an economic boom to someone willing to send a roach coach to their AOR. You may want to skip the special on pulled pork sandwiches with a Jewish pickle on the side.
Ask not what your Islamic State can do for you; ask what you can do for your Islamic State.
I remember when the Army cut our Red Bull supply overseas.
Rip-its
They can always ask Kanye West for financial advice.
What’s next, reduction of their goat harems? ?
Baaaaaaa means No!
This makes me smile, now perhaps the nice young lady from the TV can come back on and explain how this will be a problem because after all, they only want better jobs.
Once again proving you can’t steal your way to prosperity, at some point you actually have to produce something of value otherwise there is a finite amount of stealable resources.
Maybe the VA can learn something from these guys.
Wait till these assclowns try to apply for ISIS-VA benefits.
Who would the decapitate for a Klondike Bar?
Who would they decapitate for a Klondike Bar?
Hack Stone Publishing regrets the error.
All new ISIS recruits will be enrolled in TSP with matching ISIS contributions after 5 years of service. Most will be detailed to suicide bomber duty after 4 years.
In additional news, ISIS is cutting the goat subsidy at their commissaries. Jihadis will have to pay an additional 15% surcharge on all goat and hummus purchases.
Next thing you know, it’ll be 27 virgins…
In related news, did anyone see the news article about the SAS sniper that took the head off an ISIS officer while he was teaching a beheading class? Apparently, nearly the entire class deserted afterwards.
The entire concept of beheading helpless people loses its’ appeal when the prospect of your head becoming a giant cloud of pink mist as it detonates like a pumpkin on cabbage night becomes a reality in front of your beady little jihadi eyeballs….
And with no Red Bull and Snickers
This is your brain.
This is your brain on JihaCRACK!
(misty spattering sounds)
No more Snickers!!!! Shit that’s it…I QUIT!!!
They’re running out of cash? How’s that possible? They’ve been stealing oil from Libyan wells for months.
Oh, that’s right – the price of oil HAS dropped drastically. They thought they were sitting on billions, didn’t they?
Nuh-uh. Maybe McD’s could set up a few restaurants in their territory, with a minimum wage of one goat plus $1.25/hr. Fair is fair, you know.
It needs to be $15 an hour. How can they support four wives on $1.25?
Okay, then, four goats, but the hourly rate stays the same.
They need to get their shit together.
Damn it!, ISIS lives matter!!
I think it’s funny as hell that the only currency they accept is the Great Satan’s dollars. “Well, Achmed, if we win, your pay won’t be worth shit….right now you don’t get pay, either.” Great recruiting tool, that.
They need Sally Struthers