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Yer Friday Funny: Restoring England’s National Honor

by Hondo••30

I’m guessing most everybody has heard this bit.  It’s one of the most famous taunts in history.

 

 

Well, it took a while – but English plumber turned garage inventor Colin Furze has finally crafted a suitable reply. You see, he decided to return the favor literally.

From the cliffs of Dover.

Using a giant fake butt – one about 16 feet high.

And which incorporated a giant, flame-spewing “fart gun” loud enough to be heard in France.

I’m serious.

I’ll let Furze tell you about the project himself. The clips that follow total around 12 min, but IMO they’re well worth the time. ‘Course, that assessment may be due as much to my own . . . “different” sense of humor as anything else. (smile)

Caveat: they’re probably safe for work, but you might want to put down any beverages before watching them. And any small children seeing them might ask some . . . interesting questions, so use care.

 

 

 

 

Looks like England’s national honor has been restored. Rather hilariously, IMO. (smile)

It also appears the whole shebang really was audible – albeit only faintly – on the other side of the Channel. That’s around 26 miles away.

Impressive.

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30 thoughts on “Yer Friday Funny: Restoring England’s National Honor”

  1. “Furz” is the German word for “fart” I believe so there’s an extra joke in there unless he’s using an assumed name.

      1. True story: in an article I remember reading close to 2 decades ago, there was mention of a guy who was conducting a scientific study of flatulence.

        The man’s name was “Colin Leakey”. Seriously.

        1. I still chuckle like a 12 year old boy when I hear the NASCAR driver’s name, Dick Trickle.

      1. Only in the movies. But I’m pretty sure Mel Brooks got the idea for the name from the original Le Petomane – especially considering the later “bean pot” scene in the same film. (smile)

        1. Had a Red Heeler who would bark like a fool at the campfire scene… and only that scene. Cracked us up.

  3. Really nice, overall, I just wish the music track wasn’t so loud and intrusive.
    Nice job, Colin, well played.
    I look forward to “hearing” more from you.

  4. That aint nothing,

    Hang out with me after I eat chili cheese dogs and you can hear it in space.

    The flaming ass isan accurate representation of home my pany feel after said hot dogs.

    1. Dude, seriously – valveless pulsejets produce sound up to around 140dB SPL. It’s a type of jet engine – and a particularly loud one at that.

      I don’t care how loud someone cuts the cheese, even including Cheddar-boi himself. It ain’t gonna be that loud!

    2. Meh, feed me a Chili with Beans MRE with the refried beans from another entree and I can knock a forest down flat!

  5. Worst I ever had was after a night of eating about 3lbs of kimchee, half a dozen red hot links, washed down with copious amounts of San Miguel beer. I ran myself out of the house.

    1. The captain I worked for as a brand-new baby firefighter prided himself on his ability to put all of you to shame. He was a toxic old bastard–”literally!”

    2. For you Sparks,

      WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD.

      I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented ‘you’re definitely going to shit yourself’ road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

      Here’s the thing…. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No ‘Watson’s Movement’. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony
      referred to by my dear wife as ‘thunder and lightning’.

      Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn’t until I was at the opposite end of the store from the
      toilets that the pain hit me.

      Oh, don’t look at me like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m referring to that ‘Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go’ pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.

      There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
      aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

      I don’t know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here’s what I mean, and I’m sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could’ve warned that poor clerk, but didn’t. I simply watched as he
      walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. …….BIG mistake!!!!!

      Here’s the thing. When you laugh, it’s hard to keep things ‘clamped down’, if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things
      were no longer funny. ‘It’ was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I’d make it before the grand explosion took place.

      Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable ‘Oh my God’, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of ‘Shock and Awe’.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ‘Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?’, then quickly left.

      Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, ‘Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two
      which ought to take care of the problem.’

      My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, ‘IT’S YOU!’, then ran off returning moments later with the manager… I was
      unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

      Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes. I can’t say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they’re going to have to repaint
      the store.

      1. Enigma4you…ROTF…Now my wife is sitting over there asking me why I am laughing to the point of tears. Thanks brother!

      2. Enigma4you

        I’m laughing into my pillow so I don’t wake-up my brother in his room down the hall.
        I hate to admit this but been there and have done the same things.
        Altho wasn’t escorted out of any stores as of tonight but there is always tomorrow.

        😉

    1. The Story I am about to convey is true, it has not been embellished in any way.

      I am an Electrician, part of being an electrician is having a very sick sense of humor as well as loving a great practical joke. Anytime I could combine the two it was a good day on the job site.

      I did industrial/ Commercial work, it has not been uncommon for me to be on the same job for years.

      I took over a Telecom building in Cary NC, The end customer was already in the building and we were setting up computer rooms and the executive briefing center, both on the same floor.

      We had to run several runs of conduit above the mens and womens rest rooms, it was a painstaking task because those rooms had finished sheetrock ceilings, not drop in tiles like the rest of the building.

      One female manager refused to use any other rest room one that floor (there were several) instead everyday at 10 am and 3 pm we had to stop work, get everyone out of the ceiling and wait. For her to do her business.

      Her 3 minute pee break cost us half an hour each time or a total on 2 man hours twice a day.

      We had asked her very politely to use another rest room as well as posted signs and even asked our point of contact to address the problem. Her stance was Using the executive rest rooms was her privilege.

      My coworker took a stink bomb, on of the ones in the glass ampule and taped in under the toilet seat one morning. When she sat down and crushed that thing it was awful. You could smell it coming from every vent.

      She came out of the rest room yelling it wasn’t her, so of course everyone looked at her. The entire floor was cleared and fans set up. it took an hour to ventilate that floor.

      Her co workers started calling her blossom. I dont think she ever used the restroom at work again.

      2. Those are awesome. Not that I’ve ever actually used one….

        Or deer urine, or any other living critter….

        I forgot. What were we talking about? Aging sux….

    1. “I fart in your general direction.”

      From a 16-ft high, flame-blowing butt that can be heard 26 miles away. (smile)

  10. Well, as many of you are aware, things can get boring deployed far from home. And as many of you are aware, when bored, people will do ANYTHING to alleviate said boredom, usually at the expensive of some poor bastard.

    It’s well know that one can make a “fart box” out of rubber bands, buttons, and envelopes. Sounds pretty realistic if done right. Well, we had an officer who was new, and still rather squeamish about bodily functions.

    So one of the guys has a fart box and a Hershey bar in the back of his pants. He rips a fart, which offends our young officer, but as he’s on watch, he can’t leave.

    Another couple of “farts”, and the officer is ready to call for a relief. The guy with the Hershey bar doubles over and says, ” Oh, that one was bad. I think I just shit myself!” He then reaches in the back of his pants, comes out with a dark stick substance, gets the other guys to smell, who all agree the poor bastard just shit himself.

    He then offers the fingers to the officer to smell. Revolted, he begins to yell at our hero. Hero, shocked, replies that it’s not THAT bad, and takes a healthy lick off his fingers.

    I never knew the human body could hold that much puke.

    1. Practical joke time. I used to be very good.

      I used to be in AF comm. That being said. We knew how to keep everyone happy. Mid 90’s, I’m stationed in Dharan, KSA. Living in a multistory building. One of my coworkers lived on the seventh floor. Females were reserved to the sixth. I lived in the fifth.

      My buddy lived directly above another coworker. Every night, she called her husband, who was in Kuwait. Sitting on the patio.

      One night, we got bored and decided to have some fun. Never, ever let comm troops get bored. We took some 550 cord and tied it to the upper balcony railing. Figured out the distance and tied a water filled, elastic conveyance to it. Might have been a condom, but age plays tricks on my mind.

      At the appointed time, she came out onto the patio to call her husband. We waited about 5 minutes to get settled, than proceeded to drench her.

      That started a war that lasted for months. It ended with a 55gallon drum from 8 stories. And an Army Major with no sense of humor.

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