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Guess what time it is? That’s right people, it is almost time for the 2014 John The Shovel Hurler Giduck Memorial Stolen Valor Tournament.

by TSO••35

So here we go. I need a seeding committee. 10 people. Last year was too damn difficult for me, so you have to conform to all my rules if you want to be on it. You MUST have Excel. You must know how to use Excel. You must at least look through the nearly 200 Stolen Valor entrants and seed them from 1-64. Those over 64 need not be ranked.

It is a royal pain in the ass for me to write 64 bios, but I am more than willing to do it, but you have to help me by making sure you take the seeding seriously. By the end of next week I will have a post up with every “contestant”. If there are folks I missed, you let me know and I will add them. The seeding committee will be given the list in an Excel spreadsheet on February 20 at midnight. I expect it sent back to me by 28 February.

So, if you are interested in being on the seeding committee, comment here in the comment section. I already have 1 person on it, and I have a few Legacy seeders I will offer it to. But if you want to be a part of it, then let me know.

Email me at seaveyattorney@gmail.com if you have any questions. Yes, I know the email sounds pretentious, it was actually so I would remember what the email was for, but none of our nascent sewers (those threatening to sue) ever respond to me.

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35 thoughts on “Guess what time it is? That’s right people, it is almost time for the 2014 John The Shovel Hurler Giduck Memorial Stolen Valor Tournament.”

  2. I am old school and think that we should remember the roots of the Stolen Valor Tourney and keep the original name of Ballduster McSoulpatch.

  3. Already–and renaming it? No longer the Ballduster Memorial?

    Sadly, (but happily) I’m going to be wicked busy the next few weeks and I’m not even sure if I’d be able to help if I was picked.

    But rest assured I’ll be there to root on the winner (loser?) in this one. Needless to say, it’s gonna be probably the deepest field EVER.

  5. It will be the Ballduster McSoulpatch tournament, I was just honoring our last winner with a quick naming. Still hoping to troll his ass.

  6. Please don’t tell me he’s threatening to sue you and Jonn too?

    Then again, maybe that last pecker-slapping he took was all he needed. Seems to be the case that they’re all bluff and bluster, and the rare individual that pulls it inevitably regrets it about as much as cramming their cranks into a light socket.

  9. @1 Just Plain Jason. Don’t know what you wrote but I’m with you man. Anything with an exclamation is good for me. Let the games…begin.

  11. @9–Oh stewardess, I speak 13-year old…

    That’s the text/speak abbreviation of, “Oh my God” with Valley Girl dialect thrown in.

  13. @11 By the way nice reference to “Airplane” (I speak jive.)By the way the actress was Beaver Cleaver’s mom.

  14. Who do I have to bribe to put dandan the bernastypantsman at the top of the list?

    I’m willing to lie, cheat and steal and hold up 4-horse coaches at musket point if necessary, to get the job done.

    Name yer price.

  16. Ex: as you know, I have a personal interest in seeing Phony Chief Daniel A. Bernath in the #1 seed – and now that I’ve been introduced to Shep, doubly so. But I think the front runner so far is Shipley’s latest: Johan the South African CIA SEAL, who likes to claim his son was killed on Extortion 17. There is a special place in hell reserved for him. Tim Leatherby and the Round Ranger are also STRONG contenders. Finally, let’s not forget Frankly Opinionated’s favorite, Kyle Barwan, for consistent effort year in and year out.

  21. Would be happy to be on the seeding committee again this year, hope ya still have open spots left

  25. Okay, if there is a lifetime achievment medal, dandan the bernastypantsman should decidedly be a candidate for that.

    However, if there is an award for pure shitbaggery and the prize is a one-hour session in public skull-fucking, then it’s definitely a tossup between bernastypants and Yohannthebadman harrison.

    It’s gonna be a tough race. After all, bernutsky only has me and the Master Chief going after his useless ass, whereas Yohannthebadbadman not only has Mom Shipley out for the kill, but a band of Gold Star Moms as well.

    It will definitely be close.

  26. Ex, I’m with you on the Phony Chief too … As the mascot.

    I think Johan the South African CIA SEAL can beat the Phony Chief. However, his triumph will be short lived. Diane and the Gold Star Posse will put his ass in the ground.

  29. Can we nominate members of the Lucky Sperm (Guzzlers) Club too, even if they were just support staff?

    After all, the Oscars have awards for Best Director, too.

  31. I will only say this: Vote early. Vote late. Vote often. Vote Chicago style. Cheat, if necessary.

  34. last tourney you called for open nominations in a thread. I would like to nominate the William “The Round Ranger” Church, for a top seed. I would also like to nominate Nikko “Batshit crazy Kaha” De’Lozada, as well as two phonies that have really raised the hackles of some regular posters, Greg Charles “The SF Mason” Banks , and Ex-PH2s fav Daniel A.”Photoshop” Bernath.
    Kaha is really the only phony SEAL that stands out for me in the landslide of fake SEALs Don has exposed. Who are your personal top seeds?

  35. Did it last year, will be honored to dirty my hands again with the seeding of the douchebags.

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