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Norks are coming!

by Jonn Lilyea••127

According to the Associated Press, the North Korean leader, Needle Dick; the Bug F*cker, has given his military the equally impotent permission to attack US and South Korean militaries in South Korea;

North Korea warned early Thursday that its military has been cleared to attack the U.S. using “smaller, lighter and diversified nuclear” weapons, while the U.S. said it was strengthening protection in the region and seeking to defuse the situation.

Despite the intense rhetoric, analysts do not expect a nuclear attack by North Korea, which knows the move could trigger a destructive, suicidal war that no one in the region wants. It’s not believed to have the ability to launch nuclear-tipped missiles, but its other nuclear capabilities aren’t fully known.

According to the Washington Beacon, China is gearing up for a possible reopening of hostilities in the war that has been fairly stagnant for 60 years;

The Obama administration, meanwhile, sought to play down the Chinese military buildup along the border with Beijing’s fraternal communist ally despite the growing danger of conflict following unprecedented threats by Pyongyang to attack the United States and South Korea with nuclear weapons.

[…]

The buildup appears linked to North Korea’s March 30 announcement that it is in a “state of war” with South Korea after the United Nations imposed a new round of sanctions following the North’s Feb. 12 nuclear test and because of ongoing large-scale joint U.S.-South Korea military exercises.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I can’t help but feel a little excited at the potential of millions of North Koreans presenting themselves as targets here. It’s the next best thing to the Zombie Epoch. I hope they wait until I can sight in my new Model 700. But I do have aiming stakes set up for the potential drop zone that my deck overlooks – it’s going to happen just like “Red Dawn”, right?

I hate to bring you down, but it’s probably all bluster. I’m pretty sure that the Obama Administration is loading up a plane right now with bags of money that Jimmy Carter can deliver to ND;tBF.

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127 thoughts on “Norks are coming!”

  2. I’ve been digging around trying to find references to Cold War nuke testing by the US and the Soviets, and found this archive:

    http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Usa/Tests/index.html

    and this is for the USSR’s testing:

    http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Russia/Sovatmtest.html

    and this on Chinese nuclear testing, which continued into 1976, long after the aboveground testing by the US and USSR had stopped:

    http://www.ctbto.org/nuclear-testing/the-effects-of-nuclear-testing/chinas-nuclear-testing-programme/

    The difference between the Big Three Superpowers and the Norks is that the Cold War tests were run in a consistent manner, not in the seemingly haphazard manner that the Norks are using.

    The Big 3 had working weapons. The Norks do not have that yet, and no one wants them to have it.

    The US, Soviets and Chinese all had missile systems that were capable of delivering a nuclear warhead, because the missiles themselves were routinely tested. The majority of US tests in the South Pacific were airdrops, with a few missile launches in the Pacific and a few in the southern Atlantic.

    The Norks have not yet demonstrated that their missiles can go much further than a few hundred miles, which makes them more of a hazard to the Japanese, Chinese and Phillippines than they are to the US.

    The two medium-range missiles currently on a mobile launch platform and hidden somewhere might be launched on or about April 10. If so, the warning has already been publicized by the Norks’ telling foreign governments to remove their embassy staffs.

    They are defnitely up to something, but the US has moved interceptors and long-range B52 bombers to Guam as a precaution.

    It’s also possible that the Chinese might clamp down on Li’l Kim if he refuses to back off. They are not happy with what he’s doing.

  3. Well, obamaman personally got OBL so taking care of ND should not be a problem. I have been retained to write the docudrama. I’m thinking of calling it “13 1/2 Days in April” but I am open to other titles.

  4. WHY are we wasting our time worrying about this? All we have to do is send “Colenel” Crotchrot and a few other “Trailer Park Rambos”, NK will fall within hours, at least they think so!
    /exit sarc mode
    I just wonder if ‘Lil Tubby Kim thinks that all these tantrums of his will get the United Nothing to cave and hand him things like when the “Blowjob Willie” administration handed his dad a bunch of aid?

  5. Oh, come on, guys! The Chinese don’t like him, either. Even Uncle Fidel Castro, a close personal friend of Li’l Kim’s grandpa Big Kim Il-Sung, is saying “don’t drop the bomb, maggot”. And the real hope is that since Li’l Kim Fatty da T’ird has diabetes, he might just croak before he gets his rockets off.

    http://traffic.outbrain.com/network/redir?key=53f57d623a425198f8b8c97f66bf3b66&rdid=503402239&type=IMD_d/RF_ny&in-site=true&idx=0&req_id=76d4dd4f5a7ec6213b1cc3f357c385fb&agent=blog_JS_rec&recMode=4&reqType=1&wid=100&imgType=0&refPub=683&prs=false&scp=false&version=95242

    AirCav, you get that script written up.

    Infidel, I’m willing to bet that he won’t get anything other than a smack up side his chubby head from the Chinese, just for making them nervous.

    Li’l Kim really wants a fisfight, too. Did you ever see somebody swing and miss so hard at someone that he fell over?

    Whatever happens, I’m willing to bet at least one small quarter that Bodaprez fails badly on all of this and gets his bony butt kicked out of the Oval Office over it.

  8. It’s pretty quiet on the Norkland front right now. I think they have a national holiday or something going on. But if I see anything, I’ll post it.

  10. Here’s a map and a list of who has what in the way of nukes:

    http://www.cnn.com/interactive/2013/03/world/nuclear-weapon-states/?iid=article_sidebar

    And a little light reading, in case you’re wondering how another Korean War might turn out:

    http://edition.cnn.com/video/?iid=article_sidebar#/video/us/2013/04/03/tsr-foreman-korea-war-spider-marks.cnn

    Let’s just remember that Li’l Kim likes it when he gets LOTS of attention.

    (Cossposted from ND:tBF 3/27/2012)

  13. I do not know if we’re cooked or not. SecyState Kerry is on his way to Korea. (bleah)

    http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/04/06/17634341-us-delays-missile-test-amid-tensions-with-north-korea?lite&gt1=43001

    It may be okay or it may become completely screwed up, however, I would bet a new pair of socks that Kerry will strike a ‘deal’ with Norkland and the Kim regime. I’d rather he didn’t, because it’s time to really clamp down on that roly-poly scion of Grandpa Big Kim (Il Sung).

    No deal, no bargain and let him go on rattling his cage door. After all, Li’l Kim is the one who is moving 2 medium-range missiles into place for a test, to be held probably on April 15 (Grandpa’s 101st birthday).

  14. If Kerry goes to Korea, will they give him back? How much will we have to pay to keep him there?

  15. @64 – DaveO, I don’t know but we could start a fund to make sure he stays there. 😉 And works in the fields, too, like everyone else.

    So what I find this afternoon in a update that the Nork missile launch MIGHT be middle of this week, but no one is sure, because Norkland keeps contradicting itself.

    http://feeds.nbcnews.com/c/35002/f/653378/s/2a6f4f00/l/0Lworldnews0Bnbcnews0N0C0Inews0C20A130C0A40C0A70C1764120A50Esouth0Ekorean0Eofficial0Enorth0Emay0Ebe0Epreparing0Eto0Elaunch0Emissile0Ethis0Eweek0Dlite/story01.htm

    And then we have Sen. Graham sticking his oar into the waters. Never miss an open mic opportunity, people.

    http://feeds.nbcnews.com/c/35002/f/653378/s/2a6f0514/l/0Lnbcpolitics0Bnbcnews0N0C0Inews0C20A130C0A40C0A70C17640A7540Egraham0Ewarns0Eof0Enorth0Ekorean0Eregime0Eoverplaying0Eits0Ehand0Dlite/story01.htm

    I don’t know exactly how much understanding anyone in the Senate or House of Reps has in DC about what is going on between Norkland and the South, but I do know that the new president of South Korea is much more hawkish than her predecessor, who did nothing when the Norky Navy sunk a South Korean Navy ship and killed 46 Southern sailors. He also did nothing when that SK fishing village was shelled. The new president, Park Geun-hye, has said she will not hesitate to fight back, should Norkland strike first.

    http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/01/us-korea-north-idUSBRE93002620130401

  16. I put this in the wrong column (about Cuomo), and while I admit it would be interesting to see Andrew Cuomo face off with Li’l Kim (I know who would win the stupid prize), this post belongs here. My bad. Sorry.

    It’s late. I have stuff to do tomorrow. Got stuff done today, but my mind wandered away from Norkland, so I checked back on it to see if it’s still awake and kicking its little feet. Norkmaster Li’l Kim Fatty da T’ird must have a full diaper. Looks like he’s getting ready to let one fly already. Last one was in February. He got scolded for that.

    Here you go:

    http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/08/us-korea-north-nuclear-idUSBRE93701220130408

    Oh, yeah, that missile launch thingy? I guess he’s moving the date up to this Wednesday, after all, instead of waiting for Grandpa Big Kim’s birthday on 4/15. I’ll keep an eye out and let you know.

  17. Then the question is: if he launches the missile on Wednesday this week, what will he do for Grandpa’s 101st birthday next week?

    Ah! Another nuclear test! Got it!

  20. Man, I can’t even hit the sack on time because of these clowndogs. I’m thinking of suing Norkland for interrupting my sleep schedule.

    This just in this morning, which means it happened late yesterday in Norkland:

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9977977/North-Korea-pulls-workers-out-of-Kaesong-amid-nuclear-test-rumours.html

    Also, McCain was on Face the Nation, along with other people. I think the South Koreans are far more prosaic about Norkland than McCain, so watch the whole video.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9978119/North-Korea-could-set-Seoul-on-fire-says-John-McCain.html

    And just in case you were worrying about it, Bodaprez is in charge, releasing details of his plan instead of making Li’l Kim guess. Nice juxtaposition of photos of those two.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9978105/US-plans-tit-for-tat-response-to-North-Korea.html

    Yes, I was going to do a pun thing on the tit-for-tat phrase, but I have other stuff on my mind, like how many soldiers formed a contuberium in the Roman Army, and whether the centurioins reported to the tribune or his assistant.

  21. It may be that China is slowly — VERY slowly, mind you – beginning to distance itself from Norkland.

    China is facing the same economic struggles that have been going around, in the sense of being on the ‘bust’ side of the ‘boom and bust’ cycle. Considering the very real expense and economic disruption of warfare, this is a good idea.

    Neither China nor Russia want to spend the money on it, and we shouldn’t do so, either. And whether or not a regime change in Norkland would be the result, there will be maybe millions of Nork refugees flooding China, which she doesn’t want.

    http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2013/04/05/north-korea-aggression-could-strengthen-us-china-alliance/

  22. It’s coming fast and furious now. Something is brewing over there in Norkland.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/n-korea-says-all-workers-must-leave-complex-it-runs-with-south-korea/2013/04/08/e4e79b72-a037-11e2-82bc-511538ae90a4_story.html

    The statement that Norkland ‘may close the complex permanently’ means something significant is definitely brewing over there. The US has backed off, China is shifting positions.

    Gee, I wish I have one of those cockroach spies from the ‘X-Files’ in the Nork conference room.

  23. If you click on this link, you will see that Mr. Cameron, UK’s current priminister, appears to not understand that the Norks do not actually have nuclear missiles or a working delivery system, unless you count carrier pigeons, but they might stop for a rest in a chimney and not deliver the payload for a good 60 years.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/defence/9972193/Cameron-fact-that-North-Korea-has-technology-for-nuclear-strike-against-the-UK.html

    While I agree with him that abandoning the UK’s Trident sub program is unwise, his rather excited references to Norkland’s ability to deliver a missile any further than the Sea of Japan shows a lack of attention to the facts, or an unfortunate tendency to exaggerate things. I’ve posted elsewhere a map showing the range of the Nork missiles, and the furthest the Taepodong2 can go is 4100 miles, but I think it’s safe to believe that a launched missile can not only be tracked, but also destroyed en route.

    Should I send him an e-mail offering to work as a consultant?

  24. Gen. Wesley Clark has written up an opinion piece on North Korea. I’m including the link to it here:

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/05/opinion/clark-north-korea/index.html

    You can add your own viewpoints.

    My take on Norkland is this:

    The Kims have produced three consecutive generations of bullies and sociopaths. In a civilized society, this wouldn’t be tolerated. Given Norkland’s long history of excruciatingly bad treatment of outsiders, from the way POWs were treated during the Korean War up through the hijacking of the Pueblo, and more recently bombing a South fishing village and torpedoing a South Navy vessel and killing 46 crewmembers, it’s plain that they will not stop unless they are stopped dead in their tracks.

  27. @76. You are now the resident Norkxpert. We’ll need a good briefing for 10 April. You have some extra time. They’re nearly 1/2 day behind EST.

  32. Okay, this should be the last one. Something is going to break in this game.

    http://www.businessweek.com/news/2013-04-08/rogers-says-north-korea-s-kim-likely-to-cause-skirmish

    I’m going to speculate that something involving Norkland and the South will happen, and will completely divert attention from idiot legislation like gun control and gun bans, but not right away. And China may be part of it, not sure, but I do see something going on with them/us. The black market fuel stuff in this article is telling.

  33. Okay, now I’m scared. I am. My mouse seems to be having trouble with its ball and left/right clicker. I spilled tea in the kitchen this morning. And this one time, at band camp… wait, no, that was high school.

    Okay, the news from the Norkland front this morning is that all foreighners and tourists must leave. What’s the difference? Aren’t tourists foreigners? South Korea is going to be turned into a hotbed of retaliatory blah-blah-blah. I guess what the Norks are saying is that their intended April 10 missile launch date (pronounced ‘misser raunch det’) looms large on the horizon. Should I send them an e-mail reminding them that Grandpa Big Kim’s 101s barfday is April 15?

    http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/09/us-korea-north-idUSBRE93408020130409

    Standing by. (Hey, I’ve been at this post for 5 weeks nonstop. I deserve something besdies ramen noodles and a few dried apples.)

  34. @83. You may be outperforming the State Dept. on this. In fact, they may be borrowing from your reports and speculations. Nevertheless, you are going to have to make a call or two. Can you ID a couple of scenarios likely to materialize over the next week or so and include the resolution of each? I’m pushing b/c you may indeed get it right while Kerry and Co. and Langley get it wrong. As for relief, there is none. Think of yourself as an island watch duty in the Pacific during WW II. Good luck.

  35. Damn! It’s lonely out here.

    Lonely. I’m so lonely. I’m a soldier, a lonely soldier, away from home through no fault of my own. That’s why I’m lonely. I’m so lonely. I wish that I could go back home.

    I want a pizza!!!!!

    Speculate? Moi? I shall endeavor to persevere.

    Next report after I get some breakfast!!!!!! Oh, yeah, I have to go vote for the alderman and the mayor, and make sure the jerk I don’t want as mayor does not get elected.

  37. I think Norkland’s concept of its own part in a nuclear war is seriously uncomprehending of its lack of nuclear weapons.

    The rhetoric is the same blah-blah-blah and Li’l Kim hasn’t issued anything new in statements since Saturday my time. If anything will happens tomorrow, it will most likely be a missile launch of those two medium range missiles that were put on launch platforms a few days ago and moved to hidden locations.

    ADM Locklear says basically the same thing.
    http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/04/09/us-korea-north-usa-missile-idUSBRE9380W320130409

    I will keep checking in with whatever I find, but most of the reporting is now the same-old same-old, which means the Norks are busy getting ready to blow their popstand to bits. However, as a precaution, Seoul is telling South inhabitants to be ready to move to underground tunnels and bomb shelters.

    Maybe one of these days, we’ll get to watch while Li’l Kim gets his rockets off.

    Standing by.

  38. “People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because Ex-PH2 stand ready to keep an eye on the Norks on their behalf.”

  39. Okay, this is where a civvie needs some instruction. I have to ask a stupid question, because I don’t understand what I’ve been reading. The Norks are preparing missiles to launch, and yet Ex-PH2 says they don’t have a nuke to launch? Did I read that right? If they don’t have a nuke for the missiles, what good would launching the missiles be? Is there any other way to deliver a nuke?

  41. @89 – Okay, I understand the confusion about nukes and missiles, but here is what I’ve gathered from all the info/intel I’ve collected:

    1 – There have been three validated nuclear tests by North Korea. The first two were the Oct 9, 2006 test, which registered 4.6 on the seismometers, with an estimated power range of .75 to 15 kTons; the second was 5/25/2009, registering 4.7 on seismometers, payload range 1 to 20 kTons; and the third, on February 12, 2013, 5.1 on seismometers, payload range 6 to 40 kTons. The seismometer readings come from the USGS, which also pinpoints their location. They all took place underground at Punggye-Ri nuclear test site.

    2 – While they Norks have had three successful nuclear tests, and a fourth is expected to happend in the near future, there is no evidence yet that they can build a small enough warhead for a missile to carry an effective nuclear weapon. They have, in fact, had a LOT of trouble with their entire missile program. Many failures and a few successes.

    The Cold War nuclear deterrence gave the US, USSR and China a chance to develop serious nuclear weapons, including MW-RV deliveries, with multiple warheads that could be individually aimed before launching from a single missile.
    That is the real difference between the US/Russia/China and North Korea. We know that we can.

    3 – The other ways to deliver a nuclear weapon are the more conventional bomb drop from an airplane, as was done with most of the above ground tests in the Pacific. The only missiles with nuclear warheads that I know were tested were light missiles (like a Cruise missile) launched in the south Atlantic in the 1960s.

    Otherwise, the US, China and Russia all still have nuclear arsenals that can fry North Korea to a crisp. None of those three countries have any desire to get into a war with the North, but if the North attacks the South with a pre-emptive strike (as has been threatened) and the South responds, the South will likely get a back-up from the US.

    So while the rhetoric is mostly for the benefit of Norkland inhabitants, the real danger is that someone on the Nork side of the fence will make a mistake and fire first. The US military now has light missile/rocket batteries in place as a precaution. The South Korean government is telling its people to be prepared to get into bomb shelters or tunnels.

    The expected launch date of the two medium-range (possibly Taepodong-1 at 3600 miles) is tomorrow, April 10, which appears to be the reason for closing the Kaesong factory complex and telling foreigners to leave. There has been some speculation that something may happen on Kim Il-Sung’s birthday on April 15, but I haven’t found anything so far except speculation on that.

    However, Japan is taking this threat seriously because the first long-range missiles tested a few years ago were launched from Musudan-ri toward Japan and got the Japanese to give very angry responses about it.

    There is some speculation that there are three Rodong-1 missiles (range about 700 miles) that have been fitted with miniaturized nuke warheads, but that is speculation and not confirmed.

    I know I get kind of snarky about Li’l Kim and his blather, but I’m also very aware that his position is not completely secure; that he and his aunt and uncle can be deposed and disposed of by the generals; and that there is an undercurrent of members of the military who would like to see the Kims and their ilk out of the way.

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9981866/North-Korean-army-split-over-Kim-Jong-un.html

    I hope all this is clear. If I left anything out, or didn’t make it clear, let me know.

  42. So, there’s a good chance the missiles they launch won’t have warheads?

    If they do launch, do we use interceptors anyway?

  43. Right now, my guess is that a launch will take place, and the decision to intercept will be made when that happens.

    But nuke warheads – nowhere can I find anything that says they actually have that capability.

    Also, Japan is on standby alert because of Kim Jong-Un’s rhetoric.

  47. Ex-PH2: Just a thought concerning your musings on the date (tomorrow) chosen for the (supposed) launch, as opposed to the grandfather’s birthday. Tomorrow is the new moon; in the Chinese, calendar, the first day of the month, since theirs is a lunar calendar. A couple of things about that: first, it is the darkest night of the month, with the moon completely obscured. (A good time for covert maneuvers?) And interestingly enough, in the Indian calendar, the new moon phase is considered auspicious for dealing with conflict.

  48. PN, Yes, I thought about that, also.

    I know that the US has had several satellites positioned over the launch area, and, per this article, the images show that the missiles appear to be fueled and ready for launch, but there is no US/South Korean/Chinese presence on the ground to provide any direct information.

    http://www.cnn.com/2013/04/09/world/north-korea-us-intel/index.html?npt=NP1

    The trajectory and target should be calculated within a few seconds of the launch of either missile. That will be what decides what course of action is followed by the US, South Korea and/or Japan.

    It would be nice if someone could go in there and sabotage the damned things.

  49. @98. Keep up the good work, Norkspert. Personally, I can’t get too concerned about a country whose people are starving and who are mandated not to use lights at night to conserve electricity. Of course, that could be reason enough to throw caution to the wind but I think ND and his henchmen enjoy a standard of living more than a tad higher than the commoners and would like to keep it–and their lives. They would have to go all out at once because, within weeks, they’re done. No more this and no more that. Then, Korea gets reunified–from the south up!

  50. I’m going off-watch early tonight. Then I’ll wake up at 3AM, and try to find something online that says that Li’l Kim Fatty da T’ird has raunched his lockets.

    My cat Mikey the Large and In Charge has been having anxiety attacks today about something. Could be the snow in the forecast or could be the Norks. Who knows?

    Admiral Locklear (CINCPACFLT) is telling the Armed Services Committee that yes, we can take down a missile that is launched by the Norks in the video attached to this article.

    http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/04/09/17674985-top-admiral-us-can-intercept-a-north-korean-missile?lite

    I know we can, because everything I’ve dug up points to exactly that. I’m more concerned about his assessment of China, that they could do more, but that may be resolved.

    And note that further down the page, Vlad Putin says that this can be ‘a cataclysm worse than Chernobyl’. Glad he remembers that. It showed what a damned dangerous thing nuclear materials can be. He may be Russian eye-candy but I don’t recall his being known for hyperbolic statements. I think he’s worried. Should I send him an e-mail?

    Ronery. I’m Mistah Ronery. Wish I had someone to carr on da phone.

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