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Some time back, someone in a town in Florida called the police about a coconut containing an IED sitting at the street end of his driveway. \u00a0A police car did show and the police officer did test the alleged coconut IED with his foot, but apart from that, it seemed unremarkable, until the following transcript was found in someone’s mailbox.<\/p>\n
Emergency 911, what is your emergency?<\/p>\n
I have a coconut IED in my front yard.<\/p>\n
What? You have a coconut in your front yard, sir?<\/p>\n
No, no, it’s a coconut with an\u00a0IED in it.<\/p>\n
You have an IED in your possession?<\/p>\n
No! No! It’s a coconut with an IED in it! \u00a0And my bushes are rustling, too!<\/p>\n
I want to understand what you\u2019re saying, sir, but it\u2019s a bit unclear. Could you repeat what you\u2019ve told me, clearly and slowly, so that the recording is very clear?<\/p>\n
I have a coconut in my front yard with an IED in it. It was put there by someone.<\/p>\n
Okay, well, do you know who put it there, sir?<\/p>\n
I think so.<\/p>\n
Okay, well, can you tell me, who was it?\u00a0 Was it Bigfoot? Was it a wookie? A yeti?<\/p>\n
No, I believe it was put there by a seal.<\/p>\n
Excuse me, sir \u2013 by a what?<\/p>\n
By a seal.<\/p>\n
By a seal?<\/p>\n
Yes.<\/p>\n
Okay, well, what kind of seal was it, sir?\u00a0 There are several species of seal, you know. Could you be specific?<\/p>\n
I believe it was a Navy seal.<\/p>\n
A Navy seal?\u00a0 I didn\u2019t know the Navy had seals.\u00a0 Are you talking about a harbor seal? I think the circus left town a few weeks ago. They didn\u2019t report any escaped seals.<\/p>\n
No! No! A Navy seal.\u00a0 The seal team guys. You know what I mean \u2013 the special forces guys.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m afraid I\u2019m not familiar with any of the Navy\u2019s animal training programs, sir, but I can find out if any of their trained animals have escaped and are wandering around with coconuts.<\/p>\n
You aren\u2019t taking me seriously.\u00a0 You\u2019re just a horrible person.\u00a0 I\u2019m a taxpayer and I –!<\/p>\n
Sir, I\u2019m just doing my job and trying to be very clear about your call.\u00a0 Now if you\u2019ll explain what you mean by Navy seal, I can \u2013!<\/p>\n
Oh, fuck it, you bitch!<\/p>\n
Sir, there\u2019s no need to be rude. I\u2019ll send an officer to check the coconut and warn him that there might be seals in the neighborhood. Thank you for calling.\u00a0 Good-bye.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"