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Before you spend 2 billion on a submarine, you may want to complete some sea trials in your home first. For those\u00a0who are brave enough, here are a few state-of-the art suggestions to simulate submarine life in the comfort of your home:<\/p>\n
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\u2022 Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Two to three hours after you fall asleep, have your spouse whip open the curtain, shine a $200 flashlight in your eyes, and mumble \u201cSorry, wrong rack\u201d.
\n\u2022 Repeat back everything anyone says to you.
\n\u2022 Spend as much time as possible indoors and avoid sunlight. Only view the world through the peephole on your front door.
\n\u2022 Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the showerhead down to chest level. Shower once a week. Use no more than two gallons of water per shower.
\n\u2022 Buy a trash compactor and use it once a week. Store garbage in the other side of your bathtub.
\n\u2022 Sit in your car for six hours a day with your hands on the wheel and the motor running, but don\u2019t go anywhere. Install 200 extra oil temperature gauges. Take logs on all gauges and indicators every 30 minutes.
\n\u2022 Put lube oil in your humidifier instead of water and set it to \u201cHigh\u201d.
\n\u2022 Watch only unknown movies with no major stars on TV and only at night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, and then watch a different one.
\n\u2022 Don\u2019t do your wash at home. Pick the most crowded laundromat you can find.
\n\u2022 (Optional for Engineering Department): Leave a lawnmower running in your living room six hours a day for proper noise level.
\n\u2022Have the paperboy give you a haircut.
\n\u2022Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.
\n\u2022Invite guests, but don\u2019t have enough food for them.
\n\u2022Buy a broken exercise bicycle and strap it down to the floor in your kitchen.
\n\u2022Eat only food that you get out of a can or have to add water to.
\n\u2022Wake up every night at midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread. (Optional- cold beans and weenies, canned ravioli or soup).
\n\u2022Make up your family menu a week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets or refrigerator.
\n\u2022Set your alarm clock to go off at random times during the night. When it goes off, jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then run to your kitchen with the garden hose while wearing a scuba mask.
\n\u2022Once a month take every major appliance completely apart and then put them back together. Ensure you have parts left over.
\n\u2022Use 18 scoops of coffee per pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking. Never wash any coffee cups.
\n\u2022Store your eggs in your garage for two months and then scramble a dozen each morning.
\n\u2022Have a fluorescent lamp installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under it to read books.
\n\u2022Check your refrigerator compressor for \u201csound shorts\u201d.
\n\u2022Put a complicated lock on your basement door and wear the key on a lanyard around your neck.
\n\u2022Lockwire the lugnuts on your car.
\n\u2022When making cakes, prop up one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing really thick on one side to level off the top.
\n\u2022Every so often, yell \u201cEmergency Deep!\u201d, run into the kitchen, and sweep all pots\/pans\/dishes off of the counter onto the floor. Then, yell at your family for not having the place \u201cstowed for sea\u201d.
\n\u2022Put on the headphones from your stereo (don\u2019t plug them in). Go and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) \u201cStove manned and ready\u201d. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in particular) \u201cStove secured\u201d. Roll up the headphone cord and put them away.
\n\u2022Tag out the steering wheel, gas pedal, brake pedal, transmission and cigarette lighter when you change the oil in your car.
\n\u2022Use Kool-aid on all your breakfast cereals for 2 months.
\n\u2022Fill laundry baskets with oil. Lay in them, on your back, and change the washers on the water spigots.
\n\u2022While doing laundry, replace liquid fabric softener with diesel fuel.
\n\u2022Buy bunk beds (3 high type) and convert the narrowest hallway in your home into a bedroom.
\n\u2022Knock a glass of water out of someone\u2019s hand and yell \u2018SPILL\u2019. Shout at them the entire time they clean it up, tell them how worthless they are, then do it again. Once they have cleaned it up, make them read canister vacuum reviews out loud, this builds character.
\n\u2022Request \u2018permission to enter\u2019 whenever you go into the kitchen.
\n\u2022Buy all food in cases and line the floor with them.
\n\u2022Replace all doorways with windows so that you have to step up AND duck to go through them.
\n\u2022Whenever someone enters a room you\u2019re cleaning, shout \u201cup and over!\u201d at them so they\u2019ll go through the attic to get to the kitchen.
\n\u2022Paint the windshield of your car black. Make a family member stand up through the sunroof shouting directions at you on where to drive.
\n\u2022Start every story with \u201cThis is no-shit\u201c.
\n\u2022Install a Furnace and Air Conditioner that blows directly on you while you are sleeping. Have the controls so they will cycle to hot and cold in a matter of seconds.
\n\u2022Go to the market and buy 100 quarts of milk. Pour them into a large white trash bag and secure. Put the bag into the refrigerator and rename it \u201cThe Cow\u201d.
\n\u2022Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.
\n\u2022Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.
\n\u2022Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting \u201cfire, fire, fire\u201d and then restore power.
\n\u2022Remove all plants, pictures and decorations.
\n\u2022Paint everything gray, white, or \u201csea foam\u201d green.
\n\u2022Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet at all times.
\n\u2022Make sure every water valve in your home has two backups in line which must all be operated to obtain water.
\n\u2022Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.
\n\u2022All communications with outside family and friends is limited to 40 characters or less. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world.
\n\u2022Run a tube from your car\u2019s exhaust pipe into your living room, yell \u201cprepare to snorkel\u201d, and start the car. You must breathe the fumes for one hour.
\n\u2022Mount as many sharp-cornered lockers as you can in all the most traveled halls of your house. Leave almost no room to squeeze by.<\/p>\n
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*The\u00a0simulator is open-source and may be modified. Feel free to add more suggestions to make the Personal Submarine Simulator 2.5 more realistic.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"