{"id":57383,"date":"2014-12-29T11:20:31","date_gmt":"2014-12-29T16:20:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=57383"},"modified":"2014-12-29T11:21:27","modified_gmt":"2014-12-29T16:21:27","slug":"confessions-of-a-reluctant-santa","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=57383","title":{"rendered":"Confessions of a reluctant Santa"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"bad<\/a><\/p>\n

You know what kids do when they meet Santa? They crawl up on his lap, and tell him they’ve been “nice” not naughty, they ask for a ton of shit I have no idea if the parents are getting them…..and they cropdust, non-stop.<\/p>\n

Seriously. My chiropractor has brought his kids two years in a row, and I don’t know if they live on some sort of velociraptor diet or what, but they turned Santa’s beard white. The first time I just giggled. Then I gagged.<\/p>\n

For those who don’t know, yes, my wife has roped me into playing Santa. She’s a phenomenal photographer, but her business is incredibly cyclical, and Christmas is the big one. So somehow she signed me up to be Santa last year, and I got roped into it again this year. She pays me in “Santa currency” which is to say I get left alone for a weekend or two, and get nothing else.<\/p>\n

The first thing you need to know about being Santa is that bleaching your hair hurts like hell. This year I was on 3 Xanax when I got in the chair. I could have been run over by a HMMWV and not felt it, or so I thought. Nope. I’m telling you that shit burns. One of the main reasons I can’t just say “screw it” and shave is because of the blisters on my face.<\/p>\n

Being with the kids is largely fine. I could be a mall Santa and it would be fine. But somehow my wife managed to schedule these things over a 3 week period, so I looked like a jackass for weeks. My self esteem is pretty much in the crapper. At one point this year she said we had a private event on or at “Green Street.” Whatever, I have no idea where Green Street is… And then I found out it was a bar. So I have to go tramping into a saloon while non-hirsute, non-elves are drinking their Guinness, and I have to be heckled the whole way. Major Suckage. Meanwhile, for 3 weeks I can’t drink a Guinness without a straw or it gets stuck in my white beard.<\/p>\n

Anyway, the whole kids thing is a lot like Moot Court. The kids drill you with questions you have no way of answering.<\/p>\n

Santa, how’d you get here?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Now, the real answer is “In a POS Honda Odyssey driven by a woman who makes Stevie Wonder look like Mario Andretti.” Of course I can’t say that.
\n
\nI came by plane from the North Pole, I connected through ORD where a TSA lady with huge hands pulled down Santa’s pants and did a cavity search.<\/em><\/p>\n

Can you bring me a Doc McStuffins?<\/strong><\/p>\n

What in the hell is a Doc McStuffins? That sounds bad, like what should be written on some pederasts van.<\/p>\n

Of course I can bring you a Doc McStuffins, let me get the Elves on that.<\/em><\/p>\n

Do you want to talk to Christopher, our Elf on a shelf?<\/strong><\/p>\n

You named your Elf Christopher? How can I talk to him, he’s made of plastic. You know why he isn’t with me making toys? He had a problem with HR after a few sexual harassment claims.<\/p>\n

Oh, by all means, let me go talk to Christopher.<\/em><\/p>\n

How many Elves work for you?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Because of UN child worker treaties and their propensity to drink massive quantities of moonshine I had to let them go. I only work with true sausage fingered midgets now.<\/p>\n

Millions of Elves. Most are on kids shelves, but the others work 8 hours a day for all the hot chocolate I can make them.<\/em>
\n
\nCan I feed Rudolph?<\/strong><\/p>\n

Oh hells no. Rudolph is in rehab, for biting the fingers off little children.<\/p>\n

No, if he gets touched by humans he loses the power to fly.<\/em><\/p>\n

Seriously, how does one answer these questions?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

You know what kids do when they meet Santa? They crawl up on his lap, and … Confessions of a reluctant Santa<\/span>Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":148,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-57383","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57383","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/148"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=57383"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/57383\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=57383"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=57383"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=57383"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}