{"id":57032,"date":"2014-12-11T08:52:38","date_gmt":"2014-12-11T13:52:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=57032"},"modified":"2014-12-12T08:41:42","modified_gmt":"2014-12-12T13:41:42","slug":"2014-blue-falcon-stolen-valor-east-regional","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=57032","title":{"rendered":"2014 Blue Falcon Stolen Valor East Regional"},"content":{"rendered":"

East Regional. (LANGUAGE WARNING ON THIS ONE, FOR LIBERAL USE OF F BOMB)<\/p>\n

SERIOUSLY.<\/p>\n

ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER.<\/p>\n

Fine, warning made and ignored.<\/p>\n

1 Seed v. 16<\/p>\n

1) Daniel A. Bernath, Bernasty McDouchenugget, Embellisher
\n\"Bernath_Daniel\"<\/a><\/p>\n

CLAIM:<\/strong> Chief Petty Officer, US Navy (and a ton of other shit)
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> No, nay, never.<\/p>\n

Forget everything you think you know about Dan Bernath and his Stolen Valor and Legal antics.\u00a0 (I wish you good fortune in that as I pray for divine help in that regard each evening.)\u00a0 What you don\u2019t know about him is that he is a loving, caring man who is charitable, kind and compassionate.<\/p>\n

Everything you need to know about him can be found in this story which you should share with your loved ones around the Christmas tree.\u00a0 Charitable Dan flies his plane around taking abandoned dogs to people who want to adopt them.\u00a0 One time he was flying a large dog who was sitting in the copilots seat.\u00a0 The dog suddenly, and unreasonably decided it didn\u2019t want to be in an airplane at 10,000 feet over mountains, and started acting like a dog.\u00a0 But Dan the Heroic, Dan the Charitable, Dan the Compassionate was ready.<\/p>\n

\u201cMy plan is this: 2 souls are NOT going to die today, but one might,\u201d quoth he. \u00a0\u00a0\u201cIf I can’t control you, then I shall cut your throat, you’ll go limp when you bleed out and I’ll move you over to the left side and land the airplane.\u201d\u00a0 But he managed to wrap the dogs leash around the seat with one hand, while heroically landing the plane with the other.\u00a0 The people adopting the dog were there, two kids who drank all the coffee (sad) and the mom who Dan assures us was a \u201cMILF\u201d (yeah!).<\/p>\n

But for honorable Dan, \u201dLesson learned-I duct tape big dogs front legs and have them leashed to the right seats headstand.\u201d<\/p>\n

Such a heart warming story.\u00a0 Well, in Tigard they say – that the Bernasty\u2019s small heart grew three sizes that day.\u00a0 Like I said, share that story around the Christm\u2026.<\/p>\n

Wait, what?<\/strong><\/p>\n

The fucking lesson to be learned from this is that when flying a 2 person aircraft with a large dog riding copilot one should always carry a shiv and a roll of duct tape?\u00a0 Why not take other preventative measures like squirting two rolls of\u00a0rubber cement\u00a0into the dogs ass in case it\u00a0tries to shit?<\/p>\n

Are you fucking kidding me?\u00a0 How about you save money on Icelandic website registries for three days and buy a damned Dog cage, like the 99.9 percent of Americans who don\u2019t suffer from raging fucking psychosis?\u00a0 What kind of person could gleefully fly an airplane with a dog duct taped in the seat next to him?\u00a0 What kind of person even considers duct taping a dog?<\/p>\n

When someone asks how bad these Stolen Valor guys really<\/strong> are just steer them to this fucking story.\u00a0 Psychotic assclown.<\/p>\n

Yes, that is a real story, from his own words<\/a>.\u00a0 The Stolen Valor is just a symptom of how sick this guy is.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

16) Frank Gervais, Canada’s (ass)hat, Valor Thief
\n\"Gervais_Frank\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Member of Canada\u2019s finest.
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Asshole.<\/p>\n

This one pains me, and I\u2019ll tell you why.\u00a0 I love Canadians, and am a Member of the Canadian Royal Legion (in Hamilton, ON) and ANAVICUS.\u00a0 My bucket list is to visit Yellowknife, Whitehorse or Iqaluit and I firmly believe Newfies are the greatest folk on the planet.\u00a0 (Have you ever spent Canada Day with Newfies?\u00a0 If no, then you don\u2019t know drunk.)\u00a0 Love me some Great Big Sea, Rush and The Band too.\u00a0 I\u2019ve even forgiven you for the unfortunate Justin Beiber and Bryan Adams incursions.<\/p>\n

But mostly it broke my heart when Cpl Cirillo died.\u00a0 And so Gervais deserves to be beaten within an inch of his life, and then two further inches.<\/p>\n

That said, he never duct-taped a dogs paws together that I know of, nor has he sued me or defamed me.<\/p>\n

(Dear Canadian Brothers and Sisters.\u00a0 Genuinely sorry I put him in this bracket.\u00a0 You guys\u2019 Stolen Valor is as important as our own.\u00a0 We respect and salute you guys and gals.\u00a0 And if you live or serve in the military in Nunavut, Yukon, Northwest Territories or somewhere else that is nearly inhospitable, email me because I want to do a story on something military up there.)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

8 Seed v. 9<\/p>\n

8) Dina Boyer, LGBT Superperson, Embellisher
\n\"Boyer_Dina\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> Navy Cross, Beirut bombing survivor
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> Sea service ribbon, ENFR (maybe fireperson?)<\/p>\n

Anyone ever find out what happened to Midge that was the LGBT person with Code Pink? S\/he was always really nice, but at some point s\/he just disappeared. She’s the not convincing looking chap over Valerie Plame’s shoulder.
\n\"Midge\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Are we certain that isn’t the same person?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

9) Felix Carswell, Wheels on the bus…, Embellisher
\n\"Carswell_Felix\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> Special Forces, arm cut off by helicopter blade, subsequently re-attached.
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> 11B, 82d Airborne Division in the 1\/504th Parachute Infantry.<\/p>\n

I went into an Army hospital once with poison ivy and came out with a third testicle, but they managed to reattach dudes arm? Where’d they put it?<\/p>\n

He took a spill on a metro bus and is suing for a cool 10 million. Felix, you cat you! “He had to be hospitalized after he hurt his head, neck and back, and has been having blurred vision, the court papers state.” Did they check BAC, because I’m guessing it was north of .2<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

5 Seed v. 12<\/p>\n

5) Flemron Dickey, 3rd Special Food Forces Brigade, Embellisher
\n\"Dickey_Flemron\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> “Green Beret”
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> Food services specialist<\/p>\n

Say what you will about the 18T’s (Food Service Green Berets) but their training after Q course is astonishing. It begins with night land nav with 124 pounds of salad greens (iceberg lettuce, watercress, endive, Romaine lettuce), tomatoes, bacon, chicken breast, hard-boiled eggs, avocado, chives, Roquefort cheese, red-wine vinaigrette and assorted knives. At the end of it they make you do a weapons check and a cobb salad in under 5 minutes. Then you have to take the goat that the 18D guy is trying to keep alive, and make it into a gyro while still not killing it.<\/p>\n

Shit ain’t easy man. Only one I ever met that could do it was Paula Dean, and bless her heart, she carried an extra 20 lbs of lard.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

12) Kristopher Doody, Tomato with an RPG, Embellisher
\n\"Doody_Kristopher\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> “06\/97- 05\/01 U.S. Marine Corps- During my four years with the Marines I was a rifleman and scout swimmer with a Raider Company; 3\/1 India Co. I finished my military career as a Scout\/Sniper with 3\/1 Surveillance and Target Acquisition Platoon.”
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> 0311 before becoming a deserter.<\/p>\n

I saw a DYN Corps guy running in jam shorts and flipflops with a machine gun at the Palace in Kabul one time when a shot rang out. He was pretty much the coolest dude I’d ever seen.<\/p>\n

If this bowl full of jelly ran by me in those shorts, wearing that shirt, it would mean either I was stationary, or he saw a street vendor behind me. Either way I’d punch him in the ball sack for wearing that outfit. What the hell are you trying to blend in with? Killer Tomatoes?<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

4 Seed v. 11<\/p>\n

4) Jared Stern, Paul Wickre’s Private Investigator, Embellisher
\n\"Stern_Jared\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> “After serving in the United States Marine Corps and subsequently conducting intelligence operations overseas…”
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> E1 discharge, Marine 0311<\/p>\n

I guess if any of you are going to hire Mr. Stern to do your work, you should know that he did, indeed serve in the Marine Corps from November 1985 until August 1988 \u2013 about 120 days short of the 36 month mark (a regular enlistment period) \u2013 and he left as an E-1. And, oh, yeah, that \u201cconducting intelligence operations overseas\u201d was as an 0311 infantryman. I doubt that he did any intelligence operations that didn\u2019t include a titty bar as it\u2019s main objective. Also, records indicate the “In the Hands of Civilian Authorities” which is always the sign of a good intelligence operator.<\/p>\n

Also, he’s a douche. Who works for a bigger douche. Who hired a douche for an attorney. And the bigger douche used to work for a phone SEAL douche. Also, douche’s douche employer is friends with a phony Green Beret douche. Do u che<\/del> see were I am going with this?<\/p>\n

Howard Stern’s Penis! Howard Stern’s Penis! Baba-booey!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

13) John Fuentes, Bio-hazard wearing jackass, Unkown
\n\"Fuentes_John\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> See Below
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> See Below<\/p>\n

I’m sharing the whole police report, because it makes me giggle.<\/p>\n

Officers XXXX, XXXX and XXXX respond to Wild Willies where a \u201cgentleman\u201d was in Full US ARMY active duty ACU\u2019s soliciting funds for the local Military Museum and Wounded Warrior Program. He even gets a small amount of funds from some of the bar patrons. Unfortunately for him, one customer (a vet) is suspicious and questions him on his service and he runs. Officers find him on XXXX where an investigation about soliciting reveals he does not have permits to solicit or even a military ID. The uniform of the \u201c2nd Lieutenant Dimarco\u201d does not match the NY state Dept of Corrections inmate card on him showing him as Johnathan Fuentes. Fuentes is the subject of a previous report by Officer XXXX, he has multiple social numbers, altered enlistment papers and a VA card in the name of Fuentes. He states he is an Infantryman but doesn\u2019t have a Combat Infantry Man\u2019s Badge on, but a Combat Action Badge (not given to Infantry), along with his parachutist\u2019s badge. The stories finally crumble and he admits to getting funds by using the uniform, ( he spent the money on packs of cigarettes already). While speaking to 3 veterans he states he does not want to get in any more trouble, (a little late). I have the pleasure of informing him that \u201chis\u201d uniform is evidence and we will be removing it now and put him in a bio hazard gown for his transport to jail. The subject is charged with 817.312 Unlawful use of uniforms, medals or insignia a third degree felony. <\/em><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2 Seed v. 15<\/p>\n

2) Reverend Colyer, Reverend Doctor of Occupy, Embellisher
\n\"Colyer_Aaron\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> USMC Disabled Veteran with PTSD
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> OTH from USMC, no combat<\/p>\n

This dude had a solid Twitter game, and then just walked away. It was weird. One minute he’s throwing death threat haymakers, and the next he’s gone like a fart in a wind tunnel. You’d think a “Reverend Doctor” would have had better grasp of our given tongue, but he seemed to only know profanity. Which can be fun. (c.f. Bernath above.)<\/p>\n

Anyone seen this turd floating in any bowls lately? Last I had heard he was enroute to Ferguson. Thank God he never interrupted Jonn’s Spanish Novellas. Whatever the hell that means.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

15) Christopher Duke, You won’t like Jonn when you make him mad, Valor Thief
\n\"Duke_Christopher\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM:<\/strong> Marine Scout Sniper
\nTRUTH:<\/strong> Not a Sniper. Not a Scout. Not a Marine.<\/p>\n

If listening to Jonn yell at this guy doesn’t make you harder than woodpecker lips, then you were never an NCO. He’s like Samuel L. Jackson about to go medieval on this “fucknut”.<\/p>\n