{"id":56972,"date":"2014-12-09T10:42:07","date_gmt":"2014-12-09T15:42:07","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=56972"},"modified":"2014-12-10T11:21:08","modified_gmt":"2014-12-10T16:21:08","slug":"2014-blue-falcon-stolen-valor-tournament-south-regional","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=56972","title":{"rendered":"2014 Blue Falcon Stolen Valor Tournament, South Regional"},"content":{"rendered":"

UPDATE: VOTING NOW CLOSED, GO VOTE IN NORTH REGIONAL.<\/a><\/p>\n

South Regional
\n1 Seed v. 16<\/p>\n

1) Frank Visconi, The Blowfish, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"visconi_Frank\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Bronze Star w\/V, 2 Purple Hearts, Combat Action Ribbon, and the Presidential Unit Commendation
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: It took no less an authority than the 6th US Circuit Court and the US Marine Corps to finally prove he made that up.<\/p>\n

Talk about sticking to your guns, dude fought his phoniness all the way to the Circuit Court. The problem is, his story wasn\u2019t even internally consistent, as he vacillated on whether he\u2019d ever been actually awarded the medals or not.<\/p>\n

But he did earn those medals the hard way: He had to use the google, find some blank certificates, and just award them to himself. A sign of a true hero.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

16) Steve Cushman, Wakulla Wanderer, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Cushman_Steve\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Politician claiming \u201cAir Force Pilot\u201d
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Survey says: PFC.<\/p>\n

This guy\u2019s story is too mundane for me to even riff on after a night of shitty sleep, but can we just ponder a world where PFC\u2019s are allowed to fly airplanes? Holy shit. I couldn\u2019t even get my guys to ensure that the .50 Cal was mounted properly on the pintle. When we did a relief in place an MP unit replaced us, and they had real girls. I told the SPCs and PFCs to get the vehicles ready for our right seat ride and went into the BDOC to make sure we had the comms and patrol route. We come out, take a right on Rt Disney on Bagram and the whole machine gun goes sliding into the other lane, nearly hitting a supply sergeant on his golf cart.<\/p>\n

And this guy wants them to fly planes? Holy shit is that scary.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

8 Seed v. 9<\/p>\n

8) LTC Gerald Green, RANGER: R is for R-tard, A is for A-Hole, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Green_LTC\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Ranger, Sapper
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Not so much.<\/p>\n

Let me get this straight, they put a guy in charge of pre-RIP without verifying his Ranger Status? That is such an Army thing to do. Is a Sapper badge something really worth faking? I guess I don\u2019t know enough about the 12 series or whatever they are to know if that is impressive. I just assumed everyone in a engineering unit was a sapper. And I\u2019m befuddled that the Guard chose this guy. Not exactly our best or brightest. He\u2019s like the Oakland Raiders of the National Guard.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

\u00a09) Michael Schrenk, Sword swinger, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Schrenk_Michael\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Marine SSG with a ton of shit I don\u2019t recognize. And a sword.
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Honorable service in the Navy.<\/p>\n

Say what you will, but it takes some balls to show up at the Erie County Fair in upstate New York on Veterans Appreciation Day wearing that get up and carrying a sword. Has anyone else added the sword to their fashion label in Stolen Valor? Not that I remember. Good call though. I\u2019m going to start claiming I am a SF Lieutenant Sergeant and carry around a halberd.<\/p>\n

Honest question: how do you serve honorably in the Navy and not even know how to wear the Marine Corps shit correctly? I was in the Army and I still know he\u2019s got everything on the wrong side.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

5 Seed v. 12<\/p>\n

5) Peter Lawler, From Beirut to Black Friday, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Lawler_Peter\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Beirut veteran, combat wounded Marine, Purple Heart, PTSD
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Got an OTH as an E1, subsequently upgraded to Under Honorable Conditions. Also, a registered sex offender.<\/p>\n

This guy\u2019s arrest record is prolific beyond belief. I think I wore out the scrolling button on my mouse reading all his shit at Scotty\u2019s place. Two things about this guy though\u2026first, he actually apologized. That generally doesn\u2019t happen. His kind of sucks, but what did you expect. Second, he was in jail on a sex offender charge and \u201cescaped out a back door.\u201d Not exactly Shawshank Redemption. And so while on the lam he apparently tried to chat up some 17 year old girl who one article said got \u201ccreeped out.\u201d Well, no shit. Dude is no Andy DuFresne. \u00a0Best line of that movie: \u201cWe oughta be able to file this under educational.\u201d Alexander Dumbass.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

12) Gil Gilbertson, Golden Idol of Oathkeepers, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Gilbertson_Gil\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Navy-trained diver and trained in ordnance disposal went from E-5 to O-6 in six years.
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: No, No and No.<\/p>\n

What the hell is in the Oregon waters to make these guys act like this? The first thing though is that if I ever called someone, and they answered the phone with \u201cAhoy!\u201d I would immediately call them a douche, hang up the phone, block the number, and kill a puppy. Anyway, he left the Air Guard as an E-5 in 1992, but he claims he was a contractor for the State Department and went to Kosovo and that he was a colonel in his campaign literature this year. I\u2019m assuming he lost his race, but I don\u2019t even have the energy to look it up.<\/p>\n

You know what is worse than Navy EOD diver school? Running out of Ambien a week before you can renew. (Not coincidentally, that is my excuse for the lameness of today\u2019s post.) Last night I hit the NyQuil and Excedrin PM and had some dream loosely based on the last episode of Star Trek Next Generation with my buddy Superbowl6Romeo playing the part of Q. Even Gil Gilbertson can\u2019t get me excited to write these today.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

4 Seed v. 13<\/p>\n

4) Jim Van Fleet, Dude got Nois\u2019d, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Fleet_Jim_Van\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: US Navy SEAL
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Coast Guard Auxiliary<\/p>\n

There are only basically 3 rules in life you need to follow: 1) Never get involved in a land war in Asia, 2) never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line, and 3) if you have Lilyea, Hair Shipley and\/or Dan Nois on your ass, RUN.
\n<\/object><\/p>\n

Like I said brah, run.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

13) Keith Keeton, Schwarzkopf\u2019s Shadow, Embellisher<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Keeton_Keith\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: Bronze Star, Purple Heart, Paratrooper
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: No, no and no.<\/p>\n

I feel reading this like the old lady sitting next to Forrest at the bus stop: Such a lovely story, and you tell it so well.\u00a0 The story he tells is that, as a staff sergeant, he was receiving the surrender of an Iraqi general when he was shot by his Saudi translator\u2019s pistol (the first victim of a green-on-blue attack), earning a Purple Heart, and as an engineer, he killed an Iraqi T-72 tank, despite the fact that Engineers don\u2019t have an anti-armor capability once they leave the cover of the infantry unit to which they\u2019re attached.<\/p>\n

Saw that shit in saving Private Ryan, he used his happy sock and C4 to blow the shit up. Everyone for 100 miles was covered in semen. Kind of like the time Andy Dick went to an N\u2019Sync show.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

2 Seed v. 15<\/p>\n

2) Gregory Banks, Masonic Massacre if ought 14, Valor Thief<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Banks_Gregory\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: SF, multiple week long hunt and kill missions overseas between visits to Masonic lodges, Bronze Star.
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: No service located.<\/p>\n

I like the cut of this guy\u2019s jib. (Ahoy!) He\u2019s kind of like the Equalizer or the A-Team, just going from town to town, setting things right that once went wrong, and hoping the next leap will be the one home or something. You know how you can tell a real hero? When he has his Mom write him a letter backing up all his claims, suggesting that everything he did was top secret and\/or that the military is out to get him.<\/p>\n

The fact that this dude was giving out psychiatric advice is scary. Really scary. Physician, heal thyself.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

 <\/p>\n

15) Cody Stermer, X-Box Commando, Valor Thief<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Stermer_Cody\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: CW1, Blackhawk Pilot, Stabbed at Boot Camp
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Unknown, but certainly not that.<\/p>\n

Again, two things I love about this guy. The first is the juxtaposition on Scotty\u2019s site of this guy in MOPP-4, and right above it him in a McDonald\u2019s uniform. Fricken classic. The second is his \u201cPlenty of Fish\u201d profile where he talks about being a virgin. Um. Dude. You work at McDonalds and spend your days playing Call of Duty. Chicks don\u2019t dig guys who do that. They dig bloggers. And NFL Quarterbacks. And, occasionally other chicks. But when they do dig other chicks they usually look like the dude in the Brawny commercials. (Sorry to ruin it for you.)<\/p>\n

Between the X-Boxing and the virgin death clutch you probably have on your crank, you should have the strongest bicep of anyone except Bender from Futurama.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

7 Seed v. 10<\/p>\n

\u00a07) Reginald Hinson, SEAL Creed Principal, Unknown<\/strong><\/p>\n

\"Hinson_Reginald\"<\/a>
\nCLAIM<\/strong>: US Navy SEAL
\nTRUTH<\/strong>: Nope. (Top Secret defense.)<\/p>\n

Stephanie Scurlock may be my new secret crush. Dude, she totally just walked in there and confronted this clown. Fearless. She and Nois should hook up if they are single and create super SEAL Pretender Outing Children.<\/p>\n