I am a lot of things, 2 of those things are a pretty good cook and a lover of all things chocolate.<\/p>\n
I enjoy cooking, \u00a0so just a little while ago I decided to make homemade fudge. \u00a0I’m pretty sure the kitchen now qualifies as a disaster area, I may have to call in a hazmat team.<\/p>\n
Amid all the carnage is a 9 inch by 9 inch pan that contains something that is almost completely unlike fudge. The truth is it’s unlike anything I have ever seen before. I do believe that God wanted fudge at some point billions of years ago and made the same mess I did tonight, when he tossed it became the primordial ooze.<\/p>\n
At one point in making this ooze tonight I had something that was very much like lava. The pan boiled over and hit the burner, I had flaming lava. I kept at it and pretty soon I had boiling flaming lava. \u00a0During this madness I looked at the stove and remember thinking that I may be able to get it clean with a power washer. \u00a0I read the hershey website and the comments and they all agree that I didn’t get it hot enough. \u00a0Well hell it must be the stove, Its a GE but it does not have that optional surface of the sun setting or the pits of hell setting that is so well known on the newer models. \u00a0 The website also says \u00a0things like “When the boil recedes” \u00a0I remeber that point it was about the same time I had the fire extinguisher in one hand and the phone in the other getting ready to call 911. \u00a0I was still at this point foolishly thinking that it would turn out ok.<\/p>\n
As the smoke cleared and my eyes stopped watering I could see the remains of the pot. \u00a0The top of the stove was coated in a protective layer of chocolate as well as the burner. The drip pan looks like some that spent 10,00o years in a tar pit and Im thinking its about time for a new stove anyway, this one is over a year old… But I still think I can save the fudge.<\/p>\n
The directions say to toss in the butter and the vanilla at this point so I do. \u00a0They also say to let it cool to 110 degrees. Oddly enough that is the exact same amount of time it takes to research the price and availability of a new stove as well as make a real effort at cleaning the old one.<\/p>\n
Then I am to stir this hot mess with a wooded spoon until it thickens and starts to loose its gloss, who are they kidding? \u00a0Gordon Ramsey and Martha Stewarts love child that contained the reincarnated spirit of Julia Child couldn’t save this little bit of hell on earth. But I did it anyway. \u00a0I need some new wooden spoons, mine are now coated in the ooze, Its the damndest thing that crap hardened on the stove, the burner, the drip pan, the pan its self and the spoon but will not harden in the 9×9 pan.<\/p>\n
In all fairness to Hershey and little old women everywhere I am sure this is a fantastic recipe. \u00a0I will at some point try it again. \u00a0There is some exaggeration in the above post. I never had a phone ready to dial 911. \u00a0I am not going to have to replace the stove, however I did consider it. I will have to get new drip pans and possibly a new burner. They are coated in hard chocolate. \u00a0 The spoons are a lost cause. \u00a0 \u00a0I may have invented a new industrial sealant\/adhesive.<\/p>\n
As a comparison, \u00a0 A few years ago I home hot salt blued a pistol. I used red devil drain cleaner and distilled water in a old stainless steel pot. I did it just to see of it would work and it did. The pistol came out great. \u00a0That mixture was so volatile that any organic material it touched either melted or burst into flame. \u00a0I was more worried about the Fudge lava that I ever was the blueing mix.<\/p>\n
I am going to post the recipe below. The tips in italics are mine<\/p>\n
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1. Line 8-or 9-inch square pan with foil, extending foil over edges of pan. Butter foil. \u00a0I knew I was screwed when I has problems at this step.\u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n 2. Mix sugar, cocoa and salt in heavy \u00a04-quart saucepan When they say heavy they mean it, Think reactor vessel or may an old locomotive boiler<\/em><\/strong>; stir in milk. Cook over medium heat, stirring constantly, until mixture comes to full rolling boil This is where it start to go wrong, I strongly recommend a fireproof suit and increasing the home owners coverage<\/strong><\/em> . Boil, without stirring, until mixture reaches 234\u00b0F on candy thermometer or until small amount of mixture dropped into very cold water, forms a soft ball which flattens when removed from water. (Bulb of candy thermometer should not rest on bottom of saucepan.) By this time you have the above mentioned lava, NORAD has detected a possible missile launch in the kitchen and you have to get close to the Devils Diarrhea in the pot to test it. \u00a0<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n 3. Remove from heat. Add butter and vanilla. DO NOT STIR. Cool at room temperature to 110\u00b0F (lukewarm). Beat with wooden spoon until fudge thickens and just begins to lose some of its gloss. Quickly spread in prepared pan; cool completely. Cut into squares. Store in tightly covered container at room temperature. About 64 pieces or 1-3\/4 pounds. Well This is bullshit. Make a Dr. Appt to have your rotator cuff repaired and get in good with a Coven of Witches because I’m pretty sure they are the only ones who can make this stuff.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n NOTE: For best results, <\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" do not double this recipe. This is one of our most requested recipes, but also one of our most difficult. The directions must be followed exactly. Beat too little and the fudge is too soft. Beat too long and it becomes hard and sugary.\u00a0<\/del> \u00a0Go out and buy fudge<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n