Veterans’ Affairs Administrator Eric Shinseki appeared before the House Veterans Affairs Committee this morning and in a somewhat disjointed statement announced that overnight someone had hacked into the VA’s computer system and processed the 800,000 claims that had been the single blackest mark on the Vietnam veteran’s stint leading that Agency. The NSA, investigating the hack, concluded that it was indeed millions of computers apparently originating in China.<\/p>\n
“Well, ya know, if I had a billion people who I only had to pay 32 cents an hour, I could have done it, too,” remarked Shinseki, “But as it is, I have to keep these American people entertained with million dollar parties and conferences, and those skit-films we have to make take some time, too.” <\/p>\n
The Chinese Embassy released a statement denying that they had taken part in the largest hacking incident in history. “The People’s Republic of China doesn’t participate in cyber espionage, and we have no interest in how the US government treats it’s veterans of their colonialist wars. But, if anyone did hack into the Veterans’ Affairs computer system, it was probably because they were tired of hearing Secretary Shinseki whining about how he didn’t have enough resources. And his weird accent probably irritated the Hell out of them, too.”<\/p>\n
The Veterans Affairs Department announced that in celebration of the huge weight lifted from the agency’s shoulders, they’ll be furloughing 80% of their employees over the next few months. Said Secretary Shinseki, “Look it took us a decade to build up this backlog and now we have to start all over again and work overtime to build up another backlog in a much shorter timeframe. I said the claims would be cleared by 2015, so we don’t have much time to create another crisis to justify our jobs. Thanks a lot, China.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"