As many of you may (or may not) know, I have been trying secretly for years to dominate the world.\u00a0 It hasn’t been easy.\u00a0 My first attempt to raise a small army of poisonous spiders just like in Arachnophobia backfired when The spiders proved to be only mildly annoying.\u00a0 My next attempt to build a small nuclear reactor to power an army of DeathBots also backfired when the subcontractor for Uranium enrichment happened to get invaded by America.<\/p>\n
It seemed all was for naught, until I heard that there was a “war for oil” going on in that same country!\u00a0 Well sign me up!\u00a0 I was planning to ship whole tankers full of crude to my evil lair (conveniently located in the Hollywood hills with only a light commute to downtown!)\u00a0 Sadly this war for oil business turned out to be a HUGE let down when I realized it wasn’t oil for us, but rather oil for the indigenous peoples.\u00a0 I would not get to keep one drop<\/em> of crude even though the stuff was bubbling up all over the place.\u00a0 Clearly the news was either misinformed or the US Army wasn’t doing a good job of selling this “war so other people can have freedom” crap.<\/p>\n Needless to say I was quite upset with the US Army!\u00a0 I mean the only reason I joined was because we were invading 3rd world countries and stealing their oil!\u00a0 Isn’t that how most great Evil Empires start?\u00a0 What a let down!\u00a0 Fortunately all was not lost!\u00a0 You see around about the time I returned from my first tour, this wonderful new thing called “eBay” became available to me.\u00a0 I found all sorts of things a maniacal genius like me might need; death rays, orgazmo-bombs (a personal favorite) which, when dropped on a population instantly causes everyone to have an overpowering orgasm.\u00a0 There was even a Gay Smoke Grenade which would cause such extreme homoerotisism in any men unlucky enough to breathe it in that they would be too busy raping each other to do anything else (a real hit with the Evil Psychiatrists Union).\u00a0 Finally after much searching I was able to find and buy a small African nation on eBay.\u00a0 It was perfect!\u00a0 Secluded, in the jungle, and no one really knew about it.\u00a0 A perfect place to train my new squad of super female ninjas I managed to acquire from the Iraqi populace (for only 15 goats!\u00a0 A real bargain.)<\/p>\n But, sadly for me and my evil plans, Mr Murphy was out in full force.\u00a0 My nation got over-run by some other quasi-nation then all my would be subjects died of Ebola.\u00a0 That was of course after they were forced to convert to Islam and burn all their currency that featured my face (apparently I’m some kind of devil to Muslims.\u00a0 Who knew?).\u00a0 I could not believe <\/em>my misfortune.\u00a0 Clearly it was time for something else.\u00a0 After the Army and I parted ways (they weren’t going to get me to go to this “war for oil” a third time without letting me take home any oil!)\u00a0 I tried my hand at several schemes, but none of them really had any oomph.<\/p>\n That was until I got a call from the Democratic National Committee.\u00a0 These guys were really worried about Obama losing to some guy that had actually run a business once.\u00a0 There was talk about a bad record or something, I’m not quite sure I zoned out most of the conversation because, well let’s face it this chick was dull as a 5 month old razor.\u00a0 I perked right up when she told me that I would get minions.\u00a0 FINALLY<\/em><\/strong> <\/em> I would have minions that were mine to command!\u00a0 It was pretty simple too.\u00a0 All I had to do was say really repetitive bad things about this Romney guy, stuff about how he gave me testicular cancer by glaring at me or my grandma went retarded after he made her wear magic underwear (I’ll be honest I wasn’t taking good notes at the talking points meeting) and I would get my very own minions, on loan, from the DNC.\u00a0 True I’d have to return them, but, c’mon, I GOT MINIONS<\/em>!<\/p>\n They weren’t half bad either.\u00a0 I got four stoners left over from Occupy Wall Street that I only had to toss Cheetos at occasionally and say something about 10%.\u00a0 Those guys ate that shit up!\u00a0 I also got an IRS case worker I used to good success to harass the League for American Justice (not to be confused with the Justice League of America) a group of semi heroes that have been hounding me for all my “evil” ways.\u00a0 There was even talk that I might get a black panther or two.\u00a0 Ah, those were heady days leading up to that election.\u00a0 It turned out that one of the Occupy guys knew a guy who knew a guy in Anonymous who wasn’t so anonymous and really liked Obama.\u00a0 Best part of all he totally believed the 10% gave Romney testicular cancer which he passed off in his magic underwear to Walmart so they could give autism to Asians (I kinda just had to go with it in that one).\u00a0 I got this Hacktern to change a large percentage of counted votes for Romney to write in votes for Leeroy Jenkins.\u00a0 There was also a program that drew dick pictures on the smart phones of anyone who didn’t<\/em> vote for Obama.<\/p>\n As agreed, when the election was won I packaged up my minions and sent them back to the DNC HQ.\u00a0 The Lair never felt so lonely.\u00a0 While my lair certainly needed a cleaning, what with all the bong water, stale Cheetos, and reams of IRS paperwork everywhere, without minions that meant I had to do it my damn self!\u00a0 I was quite dejected let me tell you.\u00a0 I’d only got a few DeathBots to work off of Green Energy (Radium isotopes are green) before I had to send my minions back.\u00a0 I was in such a sad state that I didn’t even notice the Evil Minions Union was threatening a boycott (I’ve apparently been pissing off too many British secret agents and do not have the proper faceless minion life insurance).<\/p>\n But finally, FINALLY,<\/em><\/span><\/strong>after months of waiting I got a signed letter from the President thanking me for my hard work, and a promise of more minions on their way.\u00a0 He seemed particularly interested in my plan to turn American Idol into an actual cult with me as their idol.\u00a0 I can’t tell you what a relief it is.\u00a0 This time around I’m going to get only Occupy organizers<\/em> not the stoner foot soldiers I had before, who will in turn rally minions of their own to my cause.\u00a0 I’ll also get a whole IRS office, that’s going to find all the loopholes nessisary to make the LAJ pay\u00a0millions<\/em> in immagined back taxes.\u00a0 I’ll also get free license to use a special FBI counter terror team to silence any of those stupid journalists that dare try to uncover my dastardly plots.\u00a0 Would you believe I’m even getting Homeland Security to protect my lair?\u00a0 How awesome is that?\u00a0 It’s like a dream come true!\u00a0 Best of all I get picked up by Air Force One to play a round of Golf with the President every other Friday.\u00a0 There’s some loyalty rewards for ya (suck it American Airlines!).<\/p>\n The only real downside is, for right now I can only take over or invade white, Christian nations.\u00a0 Well Europe is certainly White, but there aren’t that many Christians there, and apparently I’m not supposed to attack Muslims (even when they burn the currency, and flags with my face on it!).\u00a0 I suppose I’ll just start with Ireland and go from there, after all when has invading Ireland ever gone wrong?\u00a0 Hopefully by the time the Deer Leader (I don’t know\u00a0why <\/em>he insists on me calling him that.\u00a0 Seriously, he doesn’t even like <\/em>venison) leaves office I’ll have enough people converted to Baileyism (like Taoism but more evil) that I can apply for 501(c) status, and finally have my Holy War against that emerging religion Jedi Knight.\u00a0 Depending on how that goes I’ll try to take on this “atheism” that everyone keeps going on about.\u00a0 I can’t wait to start my conquest of the world.\u00a0 Thank you Mr. President for making it possible!<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n Oh, and Mr President, if your reading this, could you please drone strike the shit out of Claude?\u00a0 He’s my Nemesis and a real dick.\u00a0 He totally<\/em> stole my idea for the DemBot Pelosi model then screwed it up!\u00a0 Anyone can see that’s a robot.\u00a0 That Douche has got to go!\u00a0 Please and thank you.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"