Gallic Wars<\/span>: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by – of all things – an Italian.<\/p>\n Hundred Years War<\/span>: Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare:\u00a0 “France’s armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.”<\/p>\n Italian Wars<\/span>: Lost. France becomes the first and only country ever to lose two wars when fighting Italians.<\/p>\n Wars of Religion<\/span>: France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.<\/p>\n Thirty Years’ War<\/span>: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.<\/p>\n War of Devolution<\/span>: Tied; Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.<\/p>\n War of the Augsburg League\/King William’s War\/French and Indian War<\/span>: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Deluded Frogophiles the world over label the period as the height of French Military Power.<\/p>\n War of the Spanish Succession<\/span>: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.<\/p>\n American Revolution<\/span>: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as “de Gaulle Syndrome”, and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: “France only wins when America does most of the fighting”.<\/p>\n French Revolution<\/span>: Won, primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.<\/p>\n The Napoleonic Wars<\/span>: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.<\/p>\n The Franco-Prussian War<\/span>: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France’s ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.<\/p>\n WWI<\/span>: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it’s like not only to sleep with a winner, but one who doesn’t call her “Fraulein.” Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.<\/p>\n WWII<\/span>: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.<\/p>\n War in Indochina<\/span>: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with Dien Bien Flu.<\/p>\n Algerian Rebellion<\/span>: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare -“We can always beat the French.” This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Eskimos.<\/p>\n War on Terrorism<\/span>: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe.<\/p>\n . . .<\/p>\n A personal anecdote that seems to fit here.\u00a0 I once served briefly with a guy whose mother was German (she met and married his dad after World War II).\u00a0 While he was a kid, his dad was stationed in France on an accompanied tour.<\/p>\n They were in France in 1966.\u00a0 That was the year de Gaulle pulled France out of NATO and told US forces to leave.<\/p>\n As he told the story, his mom was absolutely livid when she first heard that news.\u00a0 Then she suddenly got real calm – and muttered to herself, in German-accented English:\u00a0 “1870 . . . 1914 . . . 1941 . . . ja<\/em>, it’s about time for us to come back again to teach them some manners!”<\/p>\n Have a great weekend, all!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"![\"\"](\"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/wp-includes\/js\/tinymce\/plugins\/wordpress\/img\/trans.gif\" "\\"More...\\""){kind=spacer}
The Dutch War<\/span>: Tied.<\/p>\n