You guys look like you could use a little laughter in your lives, so here’s some more satire that was rejected by The Duffel Blog;<\/p>\n
Jared Chrystal, an 18-year-old college student from the State University of New York at Stonybrook was draped over the wingback chair in the trendy Baker Street Cafe of Ottawa, Ontario, for brunch. He picked through the Bruchetta Eggs Benny, which was seated atop giant mushroom caps and sipped at his coffee as he spoke. \u201cAs far as I know, I\u2019m the first draft dodger from the US hiding out in Canada since the Vietnam Era\u201d says Chrystal through a mouthful of eggs. \u201cWhich is what I\u2019m going for here\u201d. <\/p>\n
Even though there is no draft in effect in the United States, Jared has applied for refugee status in Canada. \u201cWhen I turned 18, my father took me to the Post Office and forced me to register for the Selective Service. He told me that it was the law, and it got me to thinking about the real possibility that sometime in the future, someone might make me do something I don\u2019t want to do, so I did the only thing I could think of\u2026I defected to Canada.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMy inspiration was Corey Glass\u201d explains Chrystal. Corey Glass<\/a> went AWOL from the Indiana National Guard in 2006 and fled to Canada, unaware that he\u2019d been discharged on January 1, 2006. Glass became the so-called \u201cPoster Boy\u201d of the deserters<\/a> in Canada, even though he wasn\u2019t wanted by the Army or any law enforcement agency because he wasn\u2019t really a deserter. Glass still fought for his status as a refugee in Canada despite the fact that he wasn\u2019t a refugee of anything.<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s what I\u2019m doing,\u201d said Chrystal, \u201cYou know, the Defense Department is making military service so thankless, what with no pay raises, slashing incentive bonuses, hiking retiree healthcare costs, increasing the training time they\u2019ll be requiring from National Guard and Reserve soldiers, they\u2019re going to have to start up the draft just to keep those uniforms filled.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cYou know that after they start the draft, Canada is going to get crowded, so I\u2019m just camping out at the head of the line\u201d. But doesn\u2019t Jared miss the States? \u201cIt is a little tougher here than in the US, I have to walk more than two blocks to get from Starbucks to Starbucks sometimes. Oh, did you notice that they drive on the right side of the street here? I didn\u2019t expect that.\u201d<\/p>\n So, certainly, Canada isn\u2019t going along with this obviously specious refugee claim. Not so according to Jason Kenney, Minister of Citizenship, Immigration and Multiculturalism; \u201cWell, we\u2019re not idiots here in Canada,\u201d says the Minister \u201cBut what with Saddam Hussein gone, the Taliban with no country to ravage, Gaddafi pushing up daisies, we don\u2019t get many refugees anymore. We have all of this government housing sitting empty, and taxpayer money is just getting moldy in our treasury. Besides, technically, according to our guideline regulations, anyone who doesn\u2019t live in Canada is mistreated by their government.\u201d <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\nSo what does young Jared do all day? \u201cIt\u2019s just like being at college, actually\u201d, smiles Chrystal. \u201cI play video games all day, except when I need to eat. Luckily they give me lots of these Canadian dollars and I can eat in nice touristy restaurants like this one. I don\u2019t know where the money comes from, but then, that\u2019s like college, too. I\u2019d ask my parents for cash and they\u2019d send it to me \u2013 same here, except my parents unfairly cut me off, so I have to get this free money from the Canadian government. I think my mom wanted to keep sending money, but my dad wouldn\u2019t let her. He\u2019s such a fascist, you know?\u201d<\/p>\n