The last few articles I\u2019ve written were pretty serious.\u00a0 Not this one.<\/p>\n
Every soldier I ever knew loves a great \u201cgotcha\u201d \u2013 a situation when they really “got” someone who truly deserved it.\u00a0 Could be a buddy, could be a superior, could be someone in another unit.\u00a0 Hell, sometimes it\u2019s a civilian or foreign national.\u00a0 But \u201cgetting\u201d someone who richly deserves it \u2013 in a humorous way that doesn\u2019t cause permanent injury or damage – is a true pleasure.<\/p>\n
And it\u2019s especially fun when the “gotcha” is apropos \u2013 that is, when you can hoist them on their own petard, so to speak.<\/p>\n
So I\u2019m soliciting such stories.\u00a0 Here are the ground rules:<\/p>\n
1.\u00a0 If anyone got seriously hurt or got their career ended . . . um, no.\u00a0 Probably not really appropriate.
\n2.\u00a0 If you committed a significant crime in getting even. . . again, probably not appropriate.\u00a0 And remember:\u00a0 some crimes have REALLY long statutes of limitations.
\n3.\u00a0 The intent is humor.\u00a0 If the story isn\u2019t funny, it\u2019s probably not apropos.<\/p>\n
I\u2019ll kick things off.\u00a0 This story still makes me chuckle, even after 30 years.\u00a0 It’s a true, first-person account – though after 30 years, I might be slightly off on a minor detail or two.\u00a0 And no jackasses were permanently harmed while being taught a lesson. (smile)<\/p>\n
— — —<\/p>\n
A bit over thirty years ago, while I was a young soldier my unit’s higher HQ deployed to support a NATO exercise.\u00a0 I was one of those selected to deploy with the HQ to provide support.<\/p>\n
We deployed to an allied military installation in the Med.\u00a0 About 200 miles away was a US installation.\u00a0 That was the nearest location from which we could get US-military-unique supplies.<\/p>\n
While deployed, we were billeted in allied quarters.\u00a0 They weren\u2019t bad.\u00a0 And they even had orderlies for some of the quarters – junior allied troops detailed to do the sweeping, mopping, take out the trash, etc . . . .<\/p>\n
All things considered, supporting HQ was real hardship duty during that exercise. (smile)<\/p>\n
The exercise was a fairly long one, so HQ made periodic supply runs to that US installation.\u00a0 They\u2019d also pick up health and morale items from the Exchange whenever they made a run if they had time to stop and space to back–haul the items.<\/p>\n
Being American troops, once supply runs started most everybody accumulated their own little “stash” of favorite American-style snacks from the Exchange \u2013 cookies, candy, whatever.\u00a0 The items weren’t free, but back then they didn’t cost much either.\u00a0\u00a0 And since you had to pay for some things on the Allied installation (coffee shops and clubs) the troops had brought cash.<\/p>\n
After a while, we started noticing things appeared to be disappearing out of our quarters.\u00a0 Little things – mostly those American-style snack items.<\/p>\n
The culprits must have thought they were being cagy.\u00a0 They wouldn’t take a whole package of cookies or candy; they’d just take some of the contents.\u00a0 I guess they figured no one would notice.<\/p>\n
Wrong answer.<\/p>\n
We were kinda pissed when we figured out what was going on.\u00a0 We didn\u2019t say anything to the host nation’s forces – it wasn’t worth creating an incident.\u00a0 But we were also pretty sure we knew who was doing the pilferage.\u00a0 There were only a few people with the necessary access.<\/p>\n
The pilfering continued.\u00a0 The proverbial \u201clast straw\u201d happened when the guy doing the pilferage ripped off my Company Commander, who was also at HQ supporting the exercise.<\/p>\n
It wasn\u2019t so much that the perpetrator\u00a0 filched a few of the Captain\u2019s Fig Newtons.\u00a0 He – and the rest of us – could have probably overlooked that.<\/p>\n
Rather, it was that he took a bite out of one of the cookies – and then had the nerve to the put the rest of that cookie back in the package<\/em>.<\/p>\n Needless to say, this insult didn\u2019t go over very well.\u00a0 The CO was fairly well liked.\u00a0 And the insult seemed very much “in your face” and deliberate.<\/p>\n At that point, we decided we had to get even.\u00a0 National prestige was now at stake.\u00a0 (smile)<\/p>\n We discussed how to get even.\u00a0 One of our medics thought he could get us something that would temporarily turn the culprit\u2019s piss purple (literally),\u00a0 thus scaring the living hell out of him.\u00a0 But we couldn\u2019t figure out a good way to get the culprit to ingest it without raising suspicion.\u00a0 So we declined the medic’s offer.<\/p>\n On occasion, I have an idea that works.\u00a0 I don\u2019t like to brag, but IMO this was one of those occasions.<\/p>\n The next time I saw our Assistant S4 \u2013 who was in charge of supply runs to the nearest US base \u2013 the conversation went something like this:<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cCaptain, got a minute?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u201cYeah.\u00a0 What is it?<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cYou think you or your guys will be going on a supply run anytime soon?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u2018Yeah \u2013 why?\u201d<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cThink you\u2019ll be stopping by the Exchange?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u201cYeah, probably.\u201d<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cThink your guys could pick up a bag or two of Hershey\u2019s Miniatures?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u201cYeah, if they\u2019ve got them.\u00a0 Put them on the list.\u201d<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cOne of the guys seems to be having some problems with constipation.\u00a0 Could they pick up a box of Ex-Lax, too?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u201dIf they\u2019ve got it, sure.\u00a0 Put it on the list too.\u201d<\/p>\n Me:\u00a0 \u201cThanks, sir.\u00a0 Need the money up-front?\u201d<\/p>\n Asst S4:\u00a0 \u201cNah.\u00a0 Settle up when we get back.”<\/p>\n The S4 Captain and his folks came through.\u00a0 Two bags of Hershey’s Miniatures and a box of Ex-Lax came back on the next supply run.<\/p>\n For a couple of days, an open bag of Hershey’s Miniatures was left in the normal location.\u00a0 Soon, some began to disappear \u2013 \u201cmysteriously.\u201d<\/p>\n The location for the trap was now determined, and known to be frequented by the target.\u00a0 Now all that remained was to bait and set the trap.<\/p>\n Since it was my idea, I got the honor of baiting the trap.<\/p>\n I selected two Hershey’s Miniatures from the open bag.\u00a0 I carefully slipped them out of their outer wrapper without damaging same.<\/p>\n I carefully unwrapped each.\u00a0 I managed to do so without tearing the foil.<\/p>\n I opened and unwrapped the Ex-Lax.\u00a0 I then carefully cut segments from the Ex-Lax of approximately the same size as the Hershey’s miniatures.<\/p>\n I placed each replacement block in the foil in the appropriate location, along the folds.\u00a0 I then carefully re-folded the foil.<\/p>\n The replacement bars were then slipped back into the outer wrappers.\u00a0\u00a0 The payload was ready.<\/p>\n The allied orderlies normally were given the weekend off.\u00a0 So on Thursday, we executed OPERATION HERSHEY FLOW<\/em>.<\/p>\n I carefully put the replacement miniatures into the bag, near the top.\u00a0 Word was passed among those billeted in the area that the trap was set.<\/p>\n Between Thursday morning and Friday evening, the bait disappeared.<\/p>\n On Monday, the allied troops detailed as orderlies returned to duty.\u00a0 One of them indeed appeared to have lost weight over the weekend.<\/p>\n Mission accomplished, and national honor restored.\u00a0 (smile)<\/p>\n As I recall, the pilferage of snacks didn’t completely stop.\u00a0 But it did seem to go down noticeably afterwards.<\/p>\n Today, I can’t remember what those bags of Hershey’s Miniatures cost and that box of Ex-Lax cost – and I damn well don’t care.\u00a0 They’d have been worth it at 10 times the cost.<\/p>\n — — —<\/p>\n OK, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.\u00a0 What have y’all got?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n Note:\u00a0 hat-tip to Ex-PH2’s coffee-making story here<\/a> in the comments to another article.\u00a0 That’s probably what spurred me to go down this path.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"