{"id":30908,"date":"2012-07-19T10:02:54","date_gmt":"2012-07-19T14:02:54","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=30908"},"modified":"2012-07-19T10:02:54","modified_gmt":"2012-07-19T14:02:54","slug":"justice-ginsburg-regional-round-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=30908","title":{"rendered":"Justice Ginsburg Regional – Round One"},"content":{"rendered":"

As we wrap up our last Regional of the first round, don’t forget to give back to the actual veterans of the Global War on Terrorism who gave so much by donating to Soldiers Angels Valour IT – Team Army<\/a>.\u00a0 Next week we will be honoring another small non-profit that deserves your attention.<\/p>\n

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\n1 Herbert \u201cCav Secret Squirrel\u201d Williamson<\/a> v.
\n16 Fatty McQuartermillion Pounder<\/a><\/p>\n

WILLIAMSON:<\/strong> This may be the only Stolen Valor guy I know of who claimed to be a CW2.\u00a0 (\u201cStolen Valor, not just for Generals anymore!\u201d)\u00a0 Earning a Distinguished Flying Cross in 1971 as a scout helicopter pilot is almost the same as serving in the CT National Guard working as a communications wireman at the rank of private first class.\u00a0 One you are in this shithole place where everyone smells bad, and the other you are in Viet Nam.\u00a0 (I kid, but come on, how can you be that close to Massachusetts and not make a break for the border.)<\/p>\n

POUNDER:<\/strong> Heh.\u00a0 Seriously dude.\u00a0 Can you imagine this guy in BUDs?\u00a0 \u201cLook out, there\u2019s a Sperm Whale!\u201d\u00a0 \u201cNo, that\u2019s Gunny Bratwurst dogpaddling.\u201d Millions and Millions served indeed.<\/p>\n

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\n8 Paul \u201cPTSD Counselor\u201d Schroeder<\/a> v.
\n9 Asleigh \u201cShrapnel slit my throat\u201d Martel<\/a><\/p>\n

SCHROEDER:<\/strong> \u201cOne day in the middle of the afternoon, I\u2019m sitting on my sofa. I\u2019ve got a drink in one hand and a .45 in the other. I wasn\u2019t sure which shot I was going to take next.\u201d\u00a0 You chose the wrong one.\u00a0 I guarantee you damaged more brain cells with the drink, even if it was Kool Aid.\u00a0 On a side note, how many people did he tell this story to without anyone going, \u201cDude, that story is redonkulous!\u201d\u00a0 Once again my lifelong hatred of MPs is justified.\u00a0 FWIW Schroeder, I always thought you had a touch of the Ghey when you wouldn\u2019t hook up with Lucy van Pelt and instead hung out with Linus.<\/p>\n

MARTEL:<\/strong> From a certain angle at one point I thought she was kind of cute, and then it hit me\u2026she looks like the female version of the dude from Happy Gilmore that took a nail to the grape (Mr. Larsen).\u00a0 Which I gotta tell you is totally not hot.\u00a0 I\u2019d love to hear her say \u201cAnd *you* can count, on *me*, waiting for *you* in the parking lot\u201d but with her throat slit like it is, I guess I\u2019ll just have to imagine it.\u00a0 I think I\u2019d rather wake up with Charles Martel, and he died 1300 years ago.
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\n5 Jacob \u201cread my plates bitch!\u201d Cruze<\/a> v.
\n12 Albert \u201cSensei Dick Munch\u201d John<\/a><\/p>\n

CRUZE:<\/strong> You look like a celebrity\u00a0doing a Poligrip ad.\u00a0 You related to Penelope Cruz?\u00a0 You have the same \u201ccan eat Corn on the cob through chickenwire fencing\u201d teeth.\u00a0 Haven\u2019t seen choppers like that since The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog.\u00a0 (This does not give you permission to claim you jumped on top of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch to save your entire regiment.)<\/p>\n

JOHN:<\/strong> An awards clerk got an MSM, I haven\u2019t been this shocked since Ellen came out.\u00a0 He claims he\u2019s the \u201cBladed Weapons Offensive and Defensive Instructor\u201d at the \u201cStreet Smart Self Defense School.\u201d\u00a0 Bladed weapons my aching arse, the closest he got to a bladed weapon is when he and his friends were reenacting scenes from Zorro the Gay Blade<\/a>.\u00a0\u00a0 If he\u2019s so badass with a katana, what in the hell is he hunting in the corn field with an Uzi or whatever the hell that is?\u00a0 Some sort of Ninja Raccoon?
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\n4 Dave \u201cTiger Hunter\u201d Groves<\/a> v.
\n13 Micaiah \u201cMarine Terrorizer of OWS\u201d Dutt<\/a><\/p>\n

GROVES:<\/strong> Deep blue hero stuff\u2026 \u201cHe was starved and tortured for six months until eluding his guards and hiding in the jungle for two weeks. He was finally able to contact U.S. Marines and reunited with U.S. forces. Groves is the recipient of three Silver Stars, three Bronze Stars and two Crosses of Gallantry.\u201d\u00a0 Did you snare small animals with your moustache?\u00a0 You know what I find most awesome\u2026 I know the guy that busted him, Terry Schow, executive director of the Utah Department of Veterans affairs, and I\u2019ve never once heard Terry mention he was SF (he was apparently.)\u00a0 Quiet professionals don\u2019t look like shitbag homeless guys at awards ceremonies.\u00a0 You can bank that one.<\/p>\n

DUTT:<\/strong> \u201cI was a terrorist, I terrorized people.\u00a0 Women hid from me.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Same shit with me brah!\u00a0 I was once known as the \u201cCarlos the Jackal of the dance floor.\u201d\u00a0 Seriously, I would take the floor in my MC Hammer Pants at Hennessy (3263 M Street, Georgetown, DC) and chicks would go to Crazy Horse next door.\u00a0 Children too.\u00a0 Sometimes stray marsupials. I was like a weaponized ball of retardation on the hardwood. But I atoned for it.\u00a0 You can to.\u00a0 Now, stop being a little pissant and stay off the mic.\u00a0 You don\u2019t have to go home, but you can\u2019t stay here.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0
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\n3 Paul \u201cPrince Chumming\u201d Tillson<\/a> v.
\n14 Brian \u201cPound me in the ass Prison Bitch\u201d Culp<\/a><\/p>\n

TILLSON:<\/strong> Actual ribbons\u2026.four.\u00a0 But in these pictures he kind of looks like William Sadler, the guy that played the bad guy (Colonel Stuart) in the second Die Hard movie.\u00a0 Well, he would if that dude had a lobotomy and a sort of slack jawed jackass look.\u00a0 Actually, he looks exactly like the same actor in The Green Mile (\u201cAlexandre Dumb Ass\u201d) but that reference is obscure.\u00a0 Which is relative because you probably didn\u2019t get most of the previous 58 references.\u00a0 Also, Tillson\u2019s wife has huge breasts.\u00a0 Look!\u00a0 Melons! (That is Elvish for “Friend”.)<\/p>\n

CULP:\u00a0<\/strong> \u201cHe also falsely claimed he was wounded while part of the 1993 Army Ranger rescue mission in Somalia made famous by the book and movie \u201cBlack Hawk Down.\u201d\u00a0 I think everyone was in that fight, even my cabbie from yesterday (he may not have been on our side, that wasn\u2019t clear.\u201d\u00a0 But, there are clearly more fat white dudes claiming to have been in Mogadishu in October of 1993, than there has been fat white dudes in Mogadishu since the time of Solomon running his mines there.\u00a0 Also, this guy is a ginger, and they have no souls.
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\n6 Ken \u201cTri-recycled 18B Wannabe\u201d Aden<\/a> v.
\n11 Richard \u201cSenator Dickenthal\u201d Blumenthal<\/a><\/p>\n

ADEN:<\/strong> Phony SF, wanna be Congressman.<\/p>\n

BLUMENTHAL:<\/strong> Phony tour in Viet Nam, is a Senator.
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7 Jasper Land \u201cMy moustache alone is SF qualified\u201d Holland<\/a> v.
\n10 Leo \u201cHalf my Squadron Died\u201d Webb<\/a><\/p>\n

HOLLAND:<\/strong> What can you say about a man with a moustache like that?\u00a0 It reminds me of a school board meeting I went to and I heard a fabulous speech: \u201cWelcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gon’ have a puppet show, we gon’ have some jazz. No I’m just kiddin. We have some business to take care of. I’m sorry I’s pulled ya’lls legs. I’m just a little excited cause I met somebody today! Someone in the bookstore! Someone who likes the same kind a literature I do! Oh and the adventure begins again!\u201d<\/p>\n

WEBB:<\/strong> \u201cI killed all these people and watched half my squadron die.\u00a0 I\u2019m a mess.\u00a0 I struggle every day.\u00a0 The Army taught me to drink.\u201d\u00a0 Sure man, that was a whole chapter in the Common Task Training Manual \u2013 Skill Level Two for 11B20\u2019s.\u00a0 I think it was right after the chapter on how to use a knife and a T-Shirt down at Fort Polk to improvise toilet paper when the shit suck truck gets taken out in the box.\u00a0 I had to drink A LOT to forget about coming out of the field with only a T Shirt necklace.\u00a0 I was ahead of the curve though, I figured out how to drink early, but never could wean myself off drinking with a nipple attached to the bottle.\u00a0 Which is probably why I never made CSM.\u00a0 Now, if you\u2019ll excuse me, My Little Pony is on.
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\n2 David Garcia \u201cNot so Trusty\u201d Diaz Jr<\/a> v.
\n15 Timothy \u201cDurango + Delta = Douchebag\u201d Oliver<\/a><\/p>\n

DIAZ: The only thing more pathetic than faking a Silver Star is giving it to some homeless people as a photo op.\u00a0 Again, this guy actually took money from a non-profit dedicated to helping our Homeless Brothers and Sisters.\u00a0 Who does stuff like that?\u00a0 And again with the crappy moustache.\u00a0 Also, who fakes themselves into a Ranger Battalion with a Purple Heart and doesn\u2019t give themselves a CIB?\u00a0 For shame sir, for shame!<\/p>\n

OLIVER: Ironically, our Bios end with our most recent dirtbag, who surprisingly also has a crappy moustache.\u00a0 And a pony tail.\u00a0 And was Delta.\u00a0 And likes to play with toy guns.\u00a0 And is named \u201cGabryal\u201d or something.\u00a0 He HALO\u2019d into Kandahar with hundreds of other Delta guys.\u00a0 \u201cIt was a lot of chaos and a lot of fear.\u201d\u00a0 Rather like an attractive woman might feel at Comic-con I would imagine.\u00a0 Dude may have a case of lycanthropy too because that pony tail grew in like a year if his bio is accurate.<\/p>\n

Now, Go Vote my Minions, vote your brains out!<\/strong><\/p>\n

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