{"id":30861,"date":"2012-07-18T09:17:53","date_gmt":"2012-07-18T13:17:53","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=30861"},"modified":"2012-07-18T11:25:42","modified_gmt":"2012-07-18T15:25:42","slug":"the-justice-sotomayor-regional-round-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=30861","title":{"rendered":"The Justice Sotomayor Regional – Round One"},"content":{"rendered":"

Remember to give to Soldiers Angels Valor IT, Team Army.<\/a> Yesterday I saw some names on the register of who had given, and it gave me a warm feeling inside. (Especially my Wife’s best friends Hubby, who I wish would write for us. hint hint) The money you give will go to a computer for someone who needs it to communicate with their family.<\/p>\n

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1 Gregory John \u201cTrident and trim\u201d Schaffer<\/a> v.
\n16 Nathan \u201cupside down ribbons\u201d Seal<\/a><\/p>\n

SCHAFFER:<\/strong>\u00a0 From the Gothamist: \u201cA 33-year-old New Jersey man who claimed he was a Victoria’s Secret shop owner is under arrest after he allegedly raped a 15-year-old Brooklyn girl he met through a Craigslist ad she put online looking for work. He reportedly tricked her into signing a “sex contract” before raping her and threatened to go after her great-grandmother for breach of contract if she didn’t put out.\u201d\u00a0 Um, if you could do that, how many dudes would be trying to nullify their marriage licenses right now?\u00a0 And why would you go after the grandmother for specific performance of a contract?\u00a0 Wouldn\u2019t that be like getting Gronkowski to do your bachelorette party and when he can\u2019t make it seeking to get Frank Gifford instead?\u00a0 Old one pump chump here should have limited his losses.<\/p>\n

SEAL:<\/strong> Really dude, a phony SEAL who uses the name Seal?\u00a0 It\u2019s a bit too much on message don\u2019t you think?\u00a0 I don\u2019t go around calling myself TSO Bigcock.\u00a0 The picture of him in the Navy uniform with the sun glasses on made me want to play volleyball with dudes and listen to \u201cFly into the Danger Zone.\u201d\u00a0 Naturally the Facebook page went the way of the DoDo, The Pats 2012 World Championship, and straight dudes in the Navy.
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\n8 Mike \u201cGoth Special Forces\u201d Wilson<\/a> v.
\n9 Eliut \u201cMitigational Fiction\u201d Lopez-Enriquez<\/a><\/p>\n

WILSON:<\/strong> Look, who among us hasn\u2019t gone out in public with a Tropic Lightening Patch, pencil thin moustache and eyeliner?\u00a0 According to his still-existent Facebook page \u201cI can’t talk about my job discription. All I can say is that I was special forces.\u201d\u00a0\u00a0 Dude, first rule of SF is the same as Fight Club, don\u2019t talk about it.\u00a0 Also, learn to spell.\u00a0 He kind of looks like an ugly tranny version of the chick from Evanescence.\u00a0 The flirting with Brianna Manning doesn\u2019t help.<\/p>\n

LOPEZ-ENRIQUEZ:<\/strong> Ah yes, the old \u201cyou got me, but I was SF\u201d ploy.\u00a0 I know that SF has some high-speed Veterinarians (natch) but this dude was a dentist per his Navy DD214.\u00a0 Imagine dude\u2019s dayplanner: \u201cHALO in the morning, Cavity filling for PV2 Fudgepants in the p.m.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n

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\n5 Brian Leonard \u201cT-Shirts and Tattoos make you a SEAL\u201d Creekmur<\/a> v.
\n12 Ronald P. \u201cThe Jawa\u201d Arlt<\/a><\/p>\n

CREEKMUR:<\/strong> Only two things I have to say about Creekmur.\u00a0 First, the dude claimed to be from Excelsior College which cracks me up because every time I read that I hear AlGore in South Park lamenting ManBearPig and saying \u201cExcelsior\u201d to fly.\u00a0 Secondly, isn\u2019t Creekmur the dude from the movie Waiting that <\/strong>was the chef who kept trying to do \u201cThe Brain\u201d?\u00a0 Spitting image of that guy, even though IMDB tells me that dude\u2019s name is \u201cChi McBride.\u201d\u00a0 Which itself is a kind of awesome name.\u00a0 If I could rename myself it would be Namaste Waitforit McDreamysauce.\u00a0 I got lost somewhere writing this, let\u2019s just move along.<\/p>\n

ARLT:<\/strong> This dude has two power moves.<\/a>\u00a0 The first is he has 12 nicknames, and they all suck more than the previous one:\u00a0 Jake Arlt, Tanner “Jake” Scott, Jake Hunter, Jake Nun-ya, Jawa, “Teh Jawa”, dboyjake, d-boyjake, infideljake, JakeJakeJake, aintneverscared, Captain Jake Morgan.\u00a0 The second is that everytime he goes to jail, he posts a suicide note somewhere.\u00a0 He\u2019s done this at least twice.\u00a0 How does that work exactly?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t it hard to explain when you come back?\u00a0\u00a0 Also, just me or does he look like Glass Joe from Punch Out?\u00a0 “Make it quick… I want to retire! Watch the jaw!! Don’t hit my jaw!”<\/p>\n

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4 Jackie Lee \u201cWhat\u2019s a forged DD214 between friends\u201d Climer<\/a> v.
\n13 Mike \u201cSecret Squirrel\u201d Zinna<\/a><\/p>\n

CLIMER:<\/strong>\u00a0 The dude stole money from an American Legion post, which by definition makes him a shit and an asshole.\u00a0 But what gets me is that his name is actually both of those things.\u00a0 Urban Dictionary tells me that a \u201cJamie Lee<\/a>\u201d means to drop a deuce, and this is just the male version of that.\u00a0 (A certain USO girl by the same name laments the UD definition.)\u00a0 And of course Dick Cheney once referred to reporter Adam Clymer as an \u201cAsshole.\u201d\u00a0 So, I guess this is the male version of a turd in the punchbowl of humanity which fell out of a chocolate starfish.\u00a0 Makes sense if you think about it.\u00a0<\/p>\n

ZINNA:<\/strong>\u00a0 That is Zinna above on one of his many \u201coff the books\u201d missions as a part of his \u201cintel work\u201d for the US Government.\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 What bothers me more than his taap sekrit horseshite though is that Superbowl6Romeo and I fought over who the dude looks like in this picture right here<\/a>.\u00a0 (Without his squirrel makeup on.)\u00a0 S6R says he looks like the Robert Downey Jr with John Turturro\u2019s hair, and I think he looks like Alec Baldwin with Jonah Hill\u2019s hair.\u00a0 These are the kinds of fights that spawn Hatfield\/McCoy type violence.<\/p>\n

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\n3 Gregory \u201cSlats the Euro-weenie Marine\u201d Leveau<\/a> v.
\n14 Daron \u201cburned my 3 year olds butt\u201d Soard<\/a><\/p>\n

LEVEAU:<\/strong> What to say about Slats.\u00a0 The details of his life are quite consequential.\u00a0 His father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. His mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. His father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. Leveau\u2019s childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring he’d make meat helmets. When he was insolent he was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved his testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it’s breathtaking, I suggest you try it.<\/p>\n

SOARD:<\/strong> I hate to ruin the mood, but I can\u2019t think of anything funny about this useless sack of shit.\u00a0 I\u2019d like to beat his ass with a bag full of batteries.\u00a0 \u201cDouglas County State’s Attorney Kevin Nolan said Brandi Soard, 24, and her husband, Daron Soard, 26, pleaded guilty Monday to aggravated battery, admitting that in June 2009 they caused great bodily harm to Brandi Soard’s then 3-year-old son by burning his buttocks.\u201d\u00a0 Special place in hell for this sonofabitch.<\/p>\n

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\n6 James \u201cEffects Linger\u201d Dahan<\/a> v.
\n11 Robert \u201c72 medals and a dump truck to carry them\u201d Vaughn<\/a><\/p>\n

DAHAN:<\/strong>\u00a0 From an article about him: \u201cExcept for the glare of his flashlight, there was darkness all around as he crept from room to room, searching for an unknown enemy.\u00a0 Windows sealed: check. Doors locked: check. Building secure: check.\u201d\u00a0 Should have been looking for his 2-1 file because according to a guy he served with \u201cThe fairy tale you just read is a complete lie. James did not fire one shot during his lack of participation in the Iraq war. As far as the Vietnam style of fighting he experienced, well you guessed it, a lie too.\u201d\u00a0 James Doohan on the other hand was a straight up badass.\u00a0 Dude got shot 6 times on D-Day with the Canadians.\u00a0 Should have beamed his name stealer here straight to a planet with no oxygen.<\/p>\n

VAUGHN:<\/strong> \u201cVaughn is a VietNam vet with 72 decorations during the 5 years he was in VietNam in the 101 Airborn. [sic]\u201d\u00a0 Yeah, probably not so much, but nobody can track his ass down.\u00a0 This silly sack of shit is wearing so much stuff on his left side<\/a> it looks like he has palsy.\u00a0 As one person noted, he looks like the product of a 3-way between Soup Sandwich and the guys from ZZ Top.<\/p>\n

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\n7 Carl John \u201cHero of Every Pacific Battle of WWII\u201d Pequignot<\/a> v.
\n10 Joe T. \u201cthe T is for Theft by Deception\u201d Joseph<\/a><\/p>\n

PEQUIGNOT:<\/strong>\u00a0 Quick, sign dude up to play infield for the Sox.\u00a0 \u201cAn enemy soldier threw a grenade at Pequignot, who caught it and threw it back. A game of catch ensued and the grenade exploded midair about 10 feet from Pequignot. The blast ripped off much of Pequignot\u2019s face. He would eventually undergo 31 surgeries. Fifteen Marines came forward and donated parts of their hip bones to replace the broken bones in Pequignot\u2019s face. Once home, the Navy again denied Pequignot\u2019s veterans benefits, but the Fort Wayne doctors who fixed his face never billed him a penny, Pequignot said, tears welling in his eyes.\u201d\u00a0 What\u2019s with the sword there Dilltard?\u00a0 You think you are Inigo Montoya or something?\u00a0 Probably he means no *harm*.\u00a0 He’s really very short on *charm*.\u00a0 I have a great gift for rhyme?\u00a0\u00a0 Yes, yes, some of the time.<\/p>\n

JOSEPH:<\/strong> Believe it or not, that\u2019s not really him above.\u00a0 That\u2019s a Halloween costume.\u00a0 How we got two guys stealing from Legion posts in the same Regional is just a twist of serendipity, but the less I say about this guy, the less likely I am to go off the rails and get our blog rated NC17.\u00a0 Also, never trust a dude who has a last and first name that are the same.\u00a0 Or a chick.\u00a0 If you ever run into a Savannah Savannah, run for the hills.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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\n2 Jake \u201cI rethunk whether I was in Astan\u201d Diliberto<\/a> v.
\n15 Darrel \u201cInfidel Sniper\u201d Tracht<\/a><\/p>\n

DILIBERTO:<\/strong> As Jonn noted at one point: \u201cHis records say that he was in \u201cAfganistan\/Pakistan\u201d but we know from our three witnesses that he only got as far as Pakistan before he flattened his penis and got sent back to the boat to scrape barnacles or whatever they do on boats these days.\u201d\u00a0 I know this is supposed to be about Diliberto (and there\u2019s plenty there for a guy from \u201cRethink Afghanistan\u201d who has never been there) but can I take a detour?\u00a0 Who uses the phrase \u201cflattened his penis\u201d?\u00a0 Stepped on it with golf cleats, yeah, I\u2019ve heard that one.\u00a0 But flattened?\u00a0 How would one even flatten a penis?\u00a0 All I know is that I am never using my Panini maker in the nude again.\u00a0 Thanks a lot Jonn.<\/p>\n

TRACHT:<\/strong> Another guy with a superlative ACTUAL record who decided to go a step or three too far.\u00a0 Now, I was going to cut this guy some slack since he apologized to Jonn, and then I did a search on this toolbox and found out he also was scamming Operation Homefront, and found more stuff where he tells folks he was a Special Operator.\u00a0 Why is the EIB and CIB that he actually earned not enough?\u00a0 Also, Tracht is a traditional national costume in German-speaking countries and there was a chick in Monty Python Quest for the Holy Grail that had huge\u2026.trachts of land.\u00a0 Speaking of which, Michelle Trachtenberg\u00a0 was in Eurotrip\u2026. I got nuthin\u2019.\u00a0 Are any of you reading this?\u00a0 Is this thing on?\u00a0 The safety word is \u201cFluggen-kliggin-kien\u201d.<\/p>\n

Just go vote.<\/p>\n

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