{"id":30832,"date":"2012-07-17T09:37:31","date_gmt":"2012-07-17T13:37:31","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=30832"},"modified":"2012-07-18T11:26:52","modified_gmt":"2012-07-18T15:26:52","slug":"chief-justice-roberts-regional-round-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=30832","title":{"rendered":"Chief Justice Roberts Regional – Round One"},"content":{"rendered":"

As I mentioned yesterday, each of these perfidious asshats steals something from wounded troops, and exposing them is not enough. So, go and make a donation in the name of some dirtbag to Soldiers Angels Valour IT project. Just imagine that you were wounded and couldn’t use your hands to operate a computer, wouldn’t you want to read about these guys stealing from you? I would. And with voice activated computers, they can do that. So, go give some money, and make sure Team Army wins.<\/a><\/p>\n

VOTE AT BOTTOM OF THIS POST.<\/p>\n

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\u00a0<\/strong>1 Tim \u201cStuttering Jackass\u201d Poe<\/a> (L) v.
\n16 Jorge \u201cColumbian Medal of Valor Recipient\u201d Cruz<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

POE:<\/strong> He got hit in the head with an RPG and walked away with a stuttering problem. He can\u2019t bear to think about what happened in the war so he deleted all his pictures and downloaded other ones. His crying on National TV made me crying after the Super Bowl seems downright butch in comparison. Andy Dick could bitchslap him and tell him to Man Up and it wouldn\u2019t get any funnier. As Sniper memorialized\u2026. \u201cWith a blatant lack of sorrow- sorrow for my character poor-Now I bear the name and title of the craven attention whore-I\u2019m a liar evermore.\u201d As Jack Handy once noted: \u201cIt takes a big man to cry. But it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.\u201d<\/p>\n

CRUZ:<\/strong> Yeah, so, there he was\u2026 \u201cThis was \u2014 this was the beginning of Iraq, just before the beginning of the Iraq war. Right after 9\/11, like I said, we went to Afghanistan. We suck out \u2014 we were seeking out high value targets. And there was one incident that kind of strikes me that I\u2019ve always talked about and people wonder why I talk about it. But it\u2019s, like, it\u2019s always stuck in my mind. That\u2019s where I got the Navy Cross.\u201d There was this one incident that sticks out to me as well. When During the rectification of the Vuldronaii, the Traveller came as a large and moving Torb! Then, during the third reconciliation of the last of the Meketrex supplicants, they chose a new form for him – that of a giant Sloar! Many Shubs and Zuuls knew what it was to be roasted in the depths of a Sloar that day, I can tell you!
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8 Alex \u201cSubway Sandwich Shop Commando\u201d Popovic<\/a> (L) v.
\n9 Derek \u201cMutant Strain of GWS\u201d Walls<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

POPOVIC:<\/strong> From our first report: \u201cA lovely young lady who will remain nameless here sent the following piece to us about a guy she met in her local Subway sandwich shop while he was slicing and dicing and telling his war stories. She thought it was a little odd that he\u2019d being working in a sandwich shop after he told her that he\u2019d been advising President Bush on strategy for the global war against terror and did some research on the guy.\u201d\u00a0 You can laugh now, but when Jared the Subway dude is named SecDef, you\u2019ll know the power of sandwich artistes.\u00a0<\/p>\n

WALLS:\u00a0<\/strong> \u201cIn his interview with FLORIDA TODAY, Walls would not discuss whether lying during the past two decades was necessary to contribute to his community and would not delve further into his military record.\u00a0 \u2018There are certain things Marines don\u2019t want to discuss,\u2019 he said when FLORIDA TODAY pressed for further explanation. \u2018Some things are better left not talked about.\u2019\u201d\u00a0 What things don\u2019t Marines like to talk about?\u00a0 I lived with a LCPL in DC for a while and dude never shut up.\u00a0 He\u2019d just randomly bring up topics to talk to himself about, like how well hung the Cookie Monster probably is.<\/p>\n

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\u00a05 James \u201cJumpmaster Noflash\u201d Bryan<\/a> (L) v.
\n12 Ayush \u201cMajor in the Navy SEALs\u201d Arora<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

BRYAN:<\/strong> Much like Wittgenfeld, Bryan is a sad case.\u00a0 Believe it or not, he really was a Master Sergeant, a Jumpmaster, he really does have a Silver Star, he really does have Bronze Star Medal with a Valor device, 2 Purple Hearts and an ARCOM with a Valor device, but there\u2019s no CIB, no Special Forces training, no Free Fall badge, no Pathfinder School, no First Sergeant assignment.\u00a0 If you have a Silver Star, why the hell would you add a Pathfinder badge?\u00a0 Seriously?\u00a0 Isn\u2019t that like having Kate Upton jump naked out of a birthday cake and you looking forward to the chocolate frosting?<\/p>\n

ARORA:<\/strong> Dude claimed to be a Major in the Navy SEALS.\u00a0 Again, a MAJOR IN THE SEALS.\u00a0 There has only ever been one Major in the SEALS, Lorenzo Von Matterhorn.\u00a0 Who would later have gender reassignment surgery and become Mrs. Stinsfire after a long battle with phallumegaly.\u00a0 \u00a0Actually, now that I think of it, that might not be true either.<\/p>\n

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4 Bill \u201cPsychic SEAL\u201d Brockbrader<\/a> (L) v.
\n13 Larry \u201cCambodian Drummerboy\u201d Marquez<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

BROCKBRADER:<\/strong>\u00a0 His video is the greatest thing since opposable digits.\u00a0 \u201cHear how he was trained in Area 51 as a specially gifted group of highly classified psy spies to see beyond the famous Looking Glass technology into the future involving 2012 and beyond. Find out how this highly trained young man and his team were coerced by the military into purposely destroying villages and creating future terrorists as part of a plan that would ultimately serve their dark purpose, the war on terror and 911. \u201d\u00a0 I was once in a very similar unit, a sort of interspecies A-Team.\u00a0 It was Me, Sam the Eagle, Camilla the Chicken, Fozzie Bear, Rowlff the Dog and Rizzo the Rat.\u00a0 We sat there and intoned the major words \u201cMahna Mahna\u201d while looking through a 1300\u2019s invention called a window.\u00a0\u00a0 We had 8 in our team, but the old bastards Statler and Waldorf\u00a0 bitched non-stop so we sent them to an MP unit.\u00a0 (I keed, I keed)<\/p>\n

\u00a0MARQUEZ:\u00a0<\/strong> From Stripes: \u201cLilyea raised questions about whether Marquez, whose current age Stars and Stripes reported as 55, would have been too young to serve during the Vietnam War. Lilyea also questioned the timing of Marquez\u2019 alleged year-long deployment in Cambodia, given that most U.S. troops were withdrawn from Cambodia by the end of 1970 and from Vietnam in 1973.\u201d\u00a0 He could have been a drummer boy, right?\u00a0 Or maybe he played the cowbell.\u00a0 No one fears the reaper provided you have sufficient cowbell.\u00a0<\/p>\n

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3 Graham \u201cIVAW Ranger Brigade\u201d Clumpner<\/a> (L) v.
\n14 Stephen Frank Cio \u201cThe Fourth most dangerous NDSM recipient in the world\u201d Burrel<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

CLUMPNER:<\/strong> His IVAW thing had the stupidest bio I have ever seen.\u00a0 \u201ctold to deploy to Iraq with a reserve unit..I resisted and went underground for the next 9 months until I received enough disability to be released from my orders.\u00a0 I know what it feels like to be afraid and I want to help others never feel the way I did.\u00a0 Racism, Patriarchy, Poverty and Militarism have to end.\u00a0 We will be the light at the tip of the candle.\u201d\u00a0 Forget all the other crap, but WHERE IN THE HELL ELSE WOULD THE LIGHT OF A CANDLE BE?\u00a0 Also, living underground will scare just about anyone.\u00a0 I hope you went into the depths armed with a Winnie the Pooh nightlight.\u00a0 And some depends undergarments.<\/p>\n

BURRELL:<\/strong>\u00a0 Look, I might not be Johnny Prison Cell, but I\u2019ve talked to enough Corrections dudes (Hi Trooper McCall and Hunter) to know that on day 1 you either shank somebody, or become a girlfriend.\u00a0 I finally got around to reading Burrell\u2019s complaint against the jail yesterday, and let\u2019s review what he did.\u00a0 Had a disagreement with this guy Allen over the TV being on BET, Burell walked away.\u00a0 Allen cuts in the chowline, Burrell complains, Allen threatens to cut Burrell, Burrell walks away.\u00a0 In the gym, Burrell got sweat on Allen, Allen pushes Burrell, Burrell walks away.\u00a0 You seeing a pattern here?\u00a0 The 4th<\/sup> most dangerous man in the world is a total pussy.\u00a0\u00a0 I can totally see Burrell crying in his cell: \u201cI don\u2019t belong here! I want to go home! I want my mother!\u201d\u00a0 Allen: \u201cI had your mother, she wasn\u2019t that good.\u201d<\/p>\n

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6 Fermijon \u201cMaggots and Rice\u201d Marrero<\/a> (L) v.
\n11 David \u201cToys and Total asshats\u201d Lebrun<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

MARRERO:\u00a0<\/strong> \u201cThe native of Spain was a prisoner of war from Dec. 15, 1966 until May 1968. The Vietnamese forced him and his cellmate to work for 16 hours each day in the rice patties while up to his knees in cow dung. The enemy only fed him twice a week, and all he received was an ashtray sized dish of rice filled with maggots.\u201d\u00a0 Same shit at my house brah!\u00a0 My wife makes me work in hip high dirty clothes and only feeds me 7 times a week (Pork in a chipotle pomegranate sauce, with asparagus and Quinoa is tonight\u2019s faire.)\u00a0 Then again, the clothes are mine, and there\u2019s always Lucky Charms if I need it.\u00a0 Now I am hungry.\u00a0 Damn you Marrero. \u00a0Who sells a good \u201cMaggots and Rice\u201d in Indy?\u00a0 Yelp doesn\u2019t seem to be helping.<\/p>\n

LEBRUN:<\/strong> So this moron got himself arrested after \u201can investigation showed Lebrun was not authorized to wear the uniform nor the medals displayed on the uniform. He has been charged with Possessing military property without authorization; Wearing a military uniform without authorization; and False use of Veterans Organization insignia.\u201d\u00a0 This reminds me of the time Moby Dick stayed with us for a week\u2026..No clip?\u00a0 Thought there was a clip, ok, moving on\u2026<\/p>\n

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7 Melanie Evalena \u201cMeth made me ugly\u201d Gutermuth<\/a> (L) v.
\n10 Angel \u201cSnagletoothed Douchasaurus\u201d Ocasio<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

GUTERMUTH:<\/strong> This chick is some weapons grade crazy-sauce.\u00a0 After 4 months at Basic Training she was tossed.\u00a0 Since then she promoted herself from E2-E5, faked being a widow, faked being injured, became a student speaker at colleges, couldn\u2019t pass a PT test to get into ROTC, and then got banned from Texas State University.\u00a0 After that she found a ring that made her invisible, lost it to a Hobbit (filthy Baginses!), spilled her guts to Sauron, then bit off Frodo\u2019s finger.\u00a0 Ironically, she looks better melted in Mt Doom than she does in this booking photo.<\/p>\n

OCASIO:<\/strong> From ABC Tampa: \u201cThere’s something you should know about the man who identifies himself as Master Gunnery Sgt. Angel Ocasio. He never earned the Navy Cross or any of the medals he wears. He isn’t a Master Gunnery Sergeant, and according to the Marine Corps, he’s never been a Marine.\u00a0 \u2018We’ll I’ve been all over…Iraq, Afghanistan, Kosovo, Somalia, Grenada, Beirut, Panama,\u2019 Ocasio boasted at a VFW.\u201d\u00a0 Take some time off from your world travels and hit a dentist dude, that\u2019s some kind of grill you have there.\u00a0 Last time I saw a mouth like that Boba Fett was falling into it after a jet pack malfunction.<\/p>\n

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2 Ron \u201cGunny Driveway\u201d Mailahn<\/a> (L) v.
\n15 Matthew \u201cThe Tattooed Phony\u201d Beck<\/a> (R)<\/p>\n

MAILAHN:<\/strong> At 574 comments and counting on his post, Gunny Driveway here has always been a fan favorite.\u00a0 Maybe it is the red T-shirt under his Marine uniform, maybe his unhinged comments, maybe the ex-wives showing up to bash the man senseless\u2026 For me it was the picture of his rotund then Fiancee hogtied, and the ensuing vomitus that I was forced to choke back.\u00a0 Well, Ron has a new girl (Hi Diana! Nice boob shot on Date #2) and a new job (Mazda dealer) so he might be too busy to check in with us.\u00a0\u00a0 (P.S. You pump the neighbor’s dog again, Ron, or are you always slack eyed and silly in the afternoon?)<\/p>\n

BECK:<\/strong> There are several things I am never getting tattooed on me: a girl\u2019s name, the lyrics to Afternoon Delight by Starland Vocal Band, Steve Buschemi\u2019s angelic face, and the Special Forces, Ranger, Airborne and Sniper Tabs.\u00a0 In Beck\u2019s defense, he apparently only went with asinine option #4 here.\u00a0 More curious though is him listing a job in the army on a linked-in page as \u201cFlow Tester supervisor.\u201d\u00a0 I have no idea what that is unless he was the monitor for the whiz quizzes.\u00a0 Is that even an MOS?\u00a0 Cause that would be just fabulous.\u00a0 (Recruiter: Now, are either of you homosexuals? \u00a0John Winger: mean, like, flaming, or… Recruiter: Well, it’s a standard question we have to ask. Russell Ziskey: No, we’re not homosexual, but we are *willing to learn*. John Winger: Yeah, would they send us someplace special?)<\/p>\n

And now to the voting…..<\/p>\n

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