{"id":19225,"date":"2010-05-24T12:27:16","date_gmt":"2010-05-24T17:27:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=19225"},"modified":"2010-05-24T12:43:48","modified_gmt":"2010-05-24T17:43:48","slug":"open-letter-to-ronald-mcdonald","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=19225","title":{"rendered":"Open letter to Ronald McDonald"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

Dear Ronald:<\/p>\n

Man, don\u2019t ever go to your restaurant on 38th Street in Indianapolis, the shit you would see there would turn your lustrous hair from red to grey.
\n<\/p>\n

Case in point, my experience there yesterday. My Child Bride and I go to church on Sunday, usually to the 9 AM sermon. She has the beauty of Helen of Troy, but alas, it takes her roughly the time the Trojan War lasted to get ready. Thus, we made it to the McD\u2019s with little time to spare before church, but I needed some coffee in a bad way. So I pull up and order our Sunday best, a Sausage McMuffin with Egg Meal with a large coffee, 3 creams, 3 sugars, and a Mocha Frappe with no whipped cream. (Now, the first bit is mine, the second hers. I don\u2019t actually like saying Mocha Frappe, because I think it makes you gay faster that way than even grazing a dog\u2019s ding dong, but I digress.)<\/p>\n

So, I announce with gusto my order, and wait for it appear on that screen you helpfully provide. And wait. And wait. And wait. Finally a lady comes back and asks for my order. Aw, what the hell, so I reiterate it. She informs me the monetary penance for breaking my fast, and following her instructions I slowly proceed to window #1, where cashier lady helpfully takes my money and gives me my receipt. I quickly peruse for accuracy, confirm it, and proceed to window 2 to get my culinary reward.<\/p>\n

Now I am a little worried because I have 10 mins to make it to Zionsville (11 miles away) and I\u2019m not much on speeding. But, for a SM w\/ Egg, I\u2019d run over baby gazelles etc. I pull up to Window #2, and we start having a problem. First, I note that the Mocha has whipped cream. I let the lady know that the order is wrong, and recognize in her response that we have an habla problem. I mime NO WHIPPED CREAM, and the lady takes it back, and hands me my sandwich. Not the meal, just the sandwich. I say no, this should have the coffee and hash-brown. Again we have an habla problem, and alas, I do not speak Spanish. In the back ground, an older woman fights gamely with the computer screen, while ignoring the McSandwich summit occurring between the representatives of central America and Wherethehellismysandwichistan.<\/p>\n

Eventually, the lady takes my receipt, wherefore apparently to read it better, since master of interpretive dance I am not. She points her finger to get me to move ahead, and wait there. Now, Child Bride at this point is getting anxious, as am I, because our weekly date with Jesus is now 7 minutes away. Looking lovely, she\u2019s perturbed, so I wait about 4 minutes and then approach the restaurant to see what the hold up is. A manager meets me at the door with \u201cmy order.\u201d Only, instead of my long awaited coffee (3 creams, 3 sugars) I get the Mocha Frappa (sans white stuff) and another frozen drink whose identity I can\u2019t discover, which has whipped cream on it. I once again helpfully explain to the lady my order, and let her know I now have the Frappe, and the sandwich. I just want a hash-brown, and a coffee, 3 creams, 3 sugars.<\/p>\n

I bring the frozen drink to Caro, who immediately notes that she has no straw. So, I go inside, hereby defeating the original purpose of the drive thru. I get the straw, I return outside. I wait 2 mins and Manager comes out again, bearing a coffee, and 2 bags of food. Now, I know at this point we have a problem, unless for some inexplicable reason it takes 2 bags to carry 1 hash-brown. But Jesus is waiting, so I take what is offered, thank her, and move off. <\/p>\n

Bag 1 contents: 3 hash-browns.
\nBag 2 contents: 2 creamers and\u2026\u20267 bags of tea. Why? I have no idea. Perhaps she though that the young lady and I were all dressed up to reenact the Boston Tea Party? Perhaps she thought this was a prelude to dressing like an Indian, and dumping the contents of our McDonalds Bag into Eagle Creek? Perhaps she just looked at me and the cool and erudite Jean Luc Picard leaped to mind? Tea, Earl Grey, hot.<\/p>\n

My coffee? Nary a cream or sugar to be found therein.<\/p>\n

I say unto you Ronald, do not proceed with your large red shoes and nasal protuberance into the McDonalds on 38th street. The Burger King across the street will get you to the church on time.<\/p>\n

Your Pal, <\/p>\n

TSO<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Dear Ronald: Man, don\u2019t ever go to your restaurant on 38th Street in Indianapolis, the shit … Open letter to Ronald McDonald<\/span>Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":148,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-19225","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19225","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/148"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=19225"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/19225\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=19225"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=19225"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=19225"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}