{"id":11236,"date":"2009-06-04T13:29:49","date_gmt":"2009-06-04T18:29:49","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/valorguardians.com\/blog\/?p=11236"},"modified":"2009-06-04T13:46:02","modified_gmt":"2009-06-04T18:46:02","slug":"of-beef-jerky-brussels-sprouts-and-alicia-silverstones-body","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/?p=11236","title":{"rendered":"Of beef jerky, Brussels Sprouts and Alicia Silverstone’s body"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n

When one of you retards signed me up to receive “Out” magazine at home, I laughed.<\/p>\n

When the ACLU set up shop outside my front door yesterday, I chuckled.\u00a0 I tried to talk to the poor moron solicting funds, and then I laughed.<\/p>\n

Now today I have PETA in front of my office handing out flyers.\u00a0 Seriously, which of you assclowns is trying to drive me nuts?<\/p>\n

The pamphlet in question is entitled “Vegetarian Starter Kit: Everything you need to eat right for your health, for animals, and for the Earth.”\u00a0 So, as I sit back to drink my Nesquik reduced fat Strawberry Milk (where does one find strawberry cows?), eat some beef jerky and gummy worms (yes, my actual lunch today) let me share with you some quotes from actual celebrities <\/a>who know things WAY better than I could.\u00a0 But, just in case they are fallible, I will also put up my first gut response.<\/p>\n

By opening this guide, you\u2019ve just taken the first step toward one of the best choices that you can make for yourself, animals, and the planet. The pages that follow are packed with important information, tips, and recipes to help you establish eating habits that you\u2019ll feel great about.
\nIt\u2019s easy to live and let live, and this guide will show you how. Dig in!<\/p><\/blockquote>\n

These gummy worms taste nothing like worms. I wonder what this cow thought when someone was yanking on her teats? Damn this jerky is good.<\/p>\n

Casey Affleck: \u201cI don\u2019t eat meat or any other animal products…because they\u2019re unhealthy and they\u2019re the product of a violent and inhumane industry.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Who the hell is Casey Affleck?<\/p>\n

Constance Marie: \u201cI stopped eating meat \u2026 when I was working on the movie Selena. During the shoot, I had to hold a chicken for five hours\u2014if you hold it and feel its little heart beating for hours, you just can\u2019t think about eating it.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Well. I’d say that is bad news for lesbians. BTW- Who the hell is Constance Marie?<\/p>\n

Alicia Silverstone: \u201cSince I\u2019ve gone vegetarian, my body has never felt better and my taste buds have been opened up to a whole new world. It\u2019s one of the most rewarding choices I\u2019ve ever made and I invite you to join me in living a healthy, cruelty-free lifestyle.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

Never felt better eh? I’ll be the judge of how your body feels. I’d like to invite you to do something as well, but since it involves leather, a ball gag and a ping pong paddle, maybe I’ll just email it to you.<\/p>\n

Kristen Bell: \u201cI have always been an animal lover. I had a hard time disassociating the animals I cuddled with\u2014dogs and cats, for example\u2014from the animals on my plate, and I never really cared for the taste of meat. I always loved my Brussels sprouts!\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

I’m not normally one to judge, but you seem kinda hot to be getting it on with animals. And what were dogs and cats doing on your plate? Did you ever have something on your plate that just sat up and licked it’s butt one day? Is “Brussels Sprouts” a euphimism like dogs having lipstick?<\/p>\n

Carrie Underwood: \u201cI do it because I really love animals and [killing animals for meat] just makes me sad.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

*Blink * Blink *
\nHow is it you have managed to live this long without stabing yourself in the eye with a spork?<\/p>\n

Joaquin Phoenix: \u201cAnimal rights is a part of my everyday life. When you live by example, you create a certain level of awareness. Friends of mine, people I have never discussed animal rights or vegetarianism with, are adopting vegetarian habits because they see it.\u201d<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n

Heh. Oh wait, you were serious? What the hell is an animal right? Yeah, maybe you should stick to rap dude.<\/p>\n

Russell Simmons: \u201cChickens raised for food today are covered in excrement, they\u2019re diseased, and they\u2019re drugged up with all sorts of toxins that you are ingesting if you eat chickens. One recent study found that chicken flesh in this country has four times as much arsenic\u2014yes, arsenic, the poison (which is used in the drugs the chickens are given) as any other meat \u2026 I have been a vegan for many years.\u201d<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n

You’ve totally got the recipe all screwed up. You roll the breasts in aresenic, THEN you smother in a layer of excrement before adding another layer of toxins. If you are feeling really froggy, you can crush some Flinstones chewables on the outside which makes a good coating. Sort of a “Chicken Cordon Chew.”<\/p>\n

Anyway, whoever is sending these asshats to my office, please stop.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

When one of you retards signed me up to receive “Out” magazine at home, I laughed. … Of beef jerky, Brussels Sprouts and Alicia Silverstone’s body<\/span>Read more<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":148,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-11236","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-politics"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11236","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/148"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=11236"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/11236\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=11236"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=11236"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.azuse.cloud\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=11236"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}