This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Author: Kilo

  • The Distraction from Needs

    My biggest issue through out my life has been my ability to focus and concentrate on one path or goal. Whatever it is that I pursue I go all in on it…at first. I have a hard time seeing things through to the finish line, either because I get scared (fear of success and failure simultaneously), or I just get bored.

    Once I’ve mastered something or it no longer becomes challenging I lose interest. On the opposite end; once it gets too challenging and I’m unable to master it, I’ve done the worst thing and that’s quitting.

    This all or nothing mentality has been a huge limiting factor for me in the most important of things; personal relationships.

    It’s hard for people to trust you if you don’t deliver on your promises. Even your most sincere efforts may be viewed as dishonest, since there’s no trust available to put faith into.

    My biggest mistakes in life and the ones that led me to a point where I was willing to quit on the most important thing (life); was my selfishness in expending my time and effort into the things I WANTed to do and not the things I NEEDed to do.

    These self imposed failures ultimately made me feel that that was what defined me. I lose sight often of the good things I’ve done; I married the best woman I’ve ever met and became a father, the rehabilitation of two suicidal troops and the emotional support to a third following a miscarriage. Each one of them has told me several years later how much impact I had on their lives but…somehow even those things couldn’t make me happy. I was ready to quit for good. But that’s the permanent solution to temporary problems and contrary to common sense.

    Going forward I’m looking to bolster my strengths with achieving goals. Starting with every day making a list of goals and sticking to them. If I struggle with interpersonal skills; my goal will become being a good co-worker that day, or sitting quietly in a meeting even if I know my input is valid but because it may not be the right time.

    But ultimately I hope these daily goals will contribute to my overall goal; being a good father.

    My path now is to learn as much about sleep, diet, exercise and neuroscience as I can. I want to help people live longer and have more time on this earth with their loved ones. I’ve wasted enough of people’s time talking about myself so I’ll try to write about the things I’ve learned along the way and what I’m learning now. I’ve met some amazing people in this life and I can write about them and give them credit for how they’ve influenced me. By playing to my strengths and turning my wants into my needs, I aim to create a constructive cycle of positivity and happier times.

    The biggest obstacle that stands in my way is how easily I get distracted and how much I care. I care so much about the mistreatment of other people and have spent a lot of time reflecting on the ways that I’ve mistreated others in the past. It made me feel guilty and depressed and it’s something I struggle with daily. I can’t care enough for someone else and I can’t make anyone care about me. I can try to be better and will do my best to acknowledge my failures a bit more privately than I have been. Hopefully this will lead to more positive outcomes and impact my ability to be a happier person. Endorphins are great for that so I’ll stick with the exercising.

    The goal I have for my writing now is to write about common problems and common sense solutions. I’ll inevitably draw parallels to my own life but I view that as a way I can teach others from my mistakes and also what works. I’m not a doctor or a health care provider but I will be consulting with professionals and referencing my sources appropriately. In no way should my advice be taken in favor of a more competent professional. These are mainly just competent hypotheses that make sense to me.

    I’ve tried to search for the quote to avoid plagiarism, but this is something that is keeping me motivated: “I may not have the strength at the moment; but if it is within the compass of man it is within me.” -Unknown

    More to follow. – Kilo

  • Insomnia

    I haven’t had a sober or non-medicated full 8 hour night of sleep since 2007.

    Supposedly the way we’re supposed to sleep when we’re locked underground for several months is from 2000-0000 and then up for a few hours of productive thought and then sleep for another few hours until sunrise. I fell asleep at around 1920 and woke at around 2240. Going to try to fall back asleep soon and hopefully be productive at work tomorrow.

    More to follow. -Kilo (more…)

  • Never Say never

    Never Say Never

    Two things I used to teach my subordinates working in Intel; never say never and never say always. If you avoid making absolute declarations it makes it more difficult for you to be proven wrong. Nothing always or never happens on the battlefield or in life, because of change. Change is constant and ever present and really one of the few things that you can say honestly, is always happening.

    Our knowledge of what occurs on the battlefield is based solely off of our own perception and what we know, what we hear, see, and read about. Our perception is our reality, our reality is our truth.

    Spirituality came up a lot in the comments of my suicide post so I’ll take the time to acknowledge and share about my personal experiences and current status on the topic since I’m mainly writing to focus on the story of my recovery in hopes that it will inspire others. Maybe it will save a life and give someone the gift of time. Time being our most precious resource as it cannot be replaced and our lives are recorded by how we spend and invest our time.

    After my parents divorce we moved in with my grandparents John and Ruth (they say you die twice, when you exhale your last breath and the last time someone says your name. I won’t let them die in my lifetime; I will say their names). They were truly exceptional people; devout catholics and active in all things church and religion. I idolized my grandfather, he was my paternal influence and I wish I could seek his guidance and advice daily. Two of my aunts are sisters in the catholic church and phenomenal people as they are 2 of 17 of my grandparents children. That’s right, 17 kids. One was adopted as my mother is the eldest of the last three girls. There was an age gap between her and her older brother so, not wanting her to grow up without female companionship, they adopted my aunt Deb (another great person). Shortly after they were blessed with my aunt Suzie (the namesake of my daughter’s middle name who passed when I was 5). We lived with my grandparents from the age of 4 until he suffered a simultaneous stroke and heart attack (he had arrhythmia and could not serve unfortunately) when I was 7.

    I was home schooled by my grandmother for a year and a lot of my development and academic success is likely because of that year. Some of my fondest memories as a boy are from riding in the truck with my grandfather doing newspaper vending machine deliveries and listening to NPR and classical music.

    So; devout Spanish, Irish and Finish Catholics tend to have large families and we have a huge one (no reality show though thank goodness). Catechism classes were taught in our house and I dominated the prayer memorization competition in my own Catechism class. I was raised to be an altar boy and was baptized catholic. Fast forward to high school and I start running track and cross country meeting a great friend named Jimmy. Dude was awesome; we had similar tastes in music, cars, and faith. He drove a BMW 318is that was lowered and had a stereo and wheels. Awesome car with a lot of great memories made. We went to church together and I found a place for my musical ear. I got into doing audio mixing and set up and tear down of the band equipment. I’d show up to practice on Wednesdays and church on Sundays (usually after a sleepless night at the street races or skating) and worship and pray. It got me through some of the toughest times of my teenage years and kept me focused on my future and out of trouble (I always seem to find trouble regardless). I went to Christian Camp at Hume Lake after my senior year and even considered applying for a position doing audio mixing and set up and tear down of band equipment there.

    I joined the military 6 months after high school and went to church a few times and even a prayer group with my former supervisor and mentor Grayson (Veteran, Suicide).

    I just can’t stand the tainted image of the lord in the eyes and words of man. I’m not really an atheist, just often confused and ashamed of the conduct of mankind and the way he uses god, religion, and faith as an excuse for deplorable actions towards our fellow man. I don’t care for miracle mongering and the preaching of fear of eternal hellfire and damnation.

    I currently prefer a mixture of eastern and western philosophy and find stoicism quite appealing. My reading list is quite full at the moment but I have read the bible (King James NIV). I have a tattoo of a cross on my back and my dog tags list Christian as my denomination.

    From Marcus Aurelius: A Guide for the Perplexed

    Book by William O. Stephens

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    I’m not the biggest fan of memes but this one raises some pretty important questions about Christianity:

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    I’m not going to say I’ll NEVER be religious or more spiritual than I currently am or have been in the past. I’m just learning and listening to dissenting points of view and thinking critically about what I believe in. I’m evaluating the sources of the information and I value the virtue of truth.

    I am not and will try at all costs to avoid belittling people of faith or their religious preference, as it’s simply too incendiary and I don’t know enough to be considered a credible source on the topic.

    Whether this is directly attributable to Marcus or not is irrelevant to me, I like it:

    “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but…will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”

    The closest thing to that in my copy of Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations is this:

    “Now departure from the world of men is nothing to fear, if gods exist: because they would not involve you in any harm. If they do not exist, or if they have no care for humankind, then what is life to me in a world devoid of gods, or devoid of providence? But they do exist, and they do care for humankind: and they have put it absolutely in man’s power to avoid falling into the true kinds of harm.” 

    —Marcus Aurelius, Meditations 2.11

    Source: http://undeniably-atheist.blogspot.com/2011/10/fabricated-marcus-aurelius-quote.html

    If god created man in the image of himself, are we all not then fallible gods capable of godliness but stopped by our own fears and manlike vices and behavior? Can we not all be god like?

    I was taught by my grandfather that can’t mean’s won’t. Many of you have been taught this same tenet. I believe we can be who we want to be (and possibly destined to be) if we eliminate irrational fears and selfish ego driven behaviors.

    More to follow. -Kilo

  • Guilt vs. Regret

    Guilt Vs. Regret

    Dictionary.com definitions:

    Guilt: a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong,etc., whether real or imagined.

    Regret: to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.)

    Many of us struggle with survivors guilt in the wake of a loss of a brother or sister in arms. We may question ourselves, our actions, or our lack of actions. This can manifest it’s way into depression if not addressed.

    So let’s address it shall we?

    Personally, I struggle with guilt all the time. I compulsively and constantly apologize. I’m at times ashamed of myself and my actions and this can quickly evolve into self loathing and a lot more pain and depression than it’s worth, or the actual guilt should cause.

    One of the ways I’ve been able to assuage my guilt is to consciously categorize it as regret. I’m regretful of my decisions and lack of action in specific situations. What if I had spoke up and cautioned an EOD tech about a secondary power source and victim operated switch being inside a command wire IED? What if I reminded him that we’ve ran a few hoax calls in the last few weeks and the enemy is watching us at all times? Would he and Doc still be alive? What if I was there that day on call and not my roommate through training and an all around great role model to me? What if I had been tougher and not been at a doctor’s appointment in the green zone instead of in Ramadi with my team? Would his career not have ended prematurely because of his wounds? Mine did anyway, might as well have been on that day… I digress.

    I can sit here and allow this guilt to manifest into depression or I can turn it into regret. I can allow myself to be guilty; if and only if, I fail to modify my behavior. If insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result then why should I allow myself to become depressed because of guilt? Those guys don’t want me to feel guilty. They knew what they were doing and I’m creating this shit myself and letting it drag me down. I can be regretful instead.

    More to follow. -Kilo

  • The trip home

    It’s been 3 years since I made the selfish choice to end my life. Through self medicating with alcohol and other ego driven behaviors I destroyed my life and burned bridges with people who loved me. I had a plan and was actively pursuing it. The best woman I’ve ever met came home from work to find me bawling uncontrollably and I told her I just couldn’t do it anymore and I left.

    I called a friend and he told me to come over. I instead went out drinking trying to have a good time. It didn’t work of course and I found myself intoxicated and driving to his house a few hours later.

    I called Z and WT roommates and close friends of mine. Both were asleep. Not wanting to wake them up (they would have but I felt guilty imposing on them, foolishness) and I left to carry out my plan. I was driving to my father in laws farm where my guns were kept out of the house and away from my daughter and I was pulled over after making an illegal “U” turn.

    The police officers did their jobs, exceptionally well and it’s because of them and their actions that I’m alive to write this today. They were both vets and I opened up and was honest with them. They took me to the VA and I was hospitalized for 8 days. I got out and kept self medicating. I tried therapy but I never quit the booze until one day that amazing woman came home and said it was best if I moved in with Z and WT.

    I couldn’t argue, I had no legs to stand on and she was trying to save my life and protect my child. A lot has happened in the last 3 years and some change since I stopped writing here. I will tell the story of my recovery and hopefully inspire someone else through their own road and on their own path.

    We don’t talk about this enough and we’re losing friends and brothers and sisters every day to these struggles. The three pronged approach to treating PTSD is sleep, diet (meaning everything you put in your body not just food), and exercise. I’ll try to keep my posts brief and organize my thoughts but dyslexia and severe ADD hamper these efforts.

    I’m not seeking attention or a cry for help and I will do my best to protect the anonymity of those close to me while telling my story. I have more motivation now than I ever have and have no intention of taking my life or risking it unnecessarily any longer. The children of suicide victims are three times as likely to carry out suicide themselves. This is a cost I cannot afford. I wish you all wealth in spirit and love and good health. More to follow -Kilo

  • “Look at me Mr F*cking Howdy Doody!”

    This story is appealing to me based on the ingredients alone ; Football, The Military, and Swearing. Yes this happened two weeks ago, but I was too busy spawning greatness to write. Still, an entertaining story to say the least.

    The University of Wyoming did battle with the Air Force Academy on Saturday, but the real fight almost took place following the game.
    Cowboys coach Dave Christensen verbally attacked Air Force coach Troy Calhoun following the game, as you can see here (Warning: video is NSFW due to multiple expletives):

    Possibly because I’m of a younger generation than Christensen but I don’t really get the Howdy Doody comment… One thing I do get is the challenge of Calhoun’s integrity, as “Integrity First” is one of three Air Force Core Values. For those at work and who can’t watch the video here is the SFW version of what Christensen said:

    • “F— you!”
    • “Faking a f—— injury, nice ethics, man … That’s great f—— ethics!”
    • “Yeah, right, look at me, Mr. F——- Howdy Doody!”
    • “Get in your f—— locker room. That’s f—— bullshit … No f—— integrity …”
    • “Get in your f—— press conference, fly boy!”

    Great ethics yourself, Mr. f*cking 19-27 career record.

    It’s worth noting that Christensen’s Wyoming Cowboys are 1-7 and the loss to Air Force may have destroyed their oh-so relevant season…right? No, it’s not. It is worth noting however, that this childish tirade took place on Military Appreciation night at Soldiers Memorial Field. This explains why Christensen is wearing an ACU ball cap despite never serving a day in the military.

    Christensen has since issued a half-assed apology and been fined $50,000 as well as a one game suspension. I’d rather he be fired altogether as this isn’t the first incident he’s had with inappropriate conduct but, I doubt I’ll hear anything about Wyoming’s football program until AF beats them again.

  • Pakistani Arrests in attack on school girl

    WOW…They actually did something?

    This comes as a welcome surprise I’m sure for the family members of the victims and hopefully the female population of Pakistan. Attacks of this nature are obviously egregious and should never take place but, are not isolated to this nation, or this region. Hopefully they’ll use some capital punishment but I’m not holding my breath.

    Police in Pakistan say they have arrested two suspects in the shooting of a 14-year-old girl and are looking for a third who is being called the mastermind of the attack, NBC News reports.

    NBC News quotes police in the volatile Swat Valley area, where Malala Yousafzai was shot while leaving school on Tuesday In Mingora, as saying the suspects are 17 and 22 years of age.

    The pair claim that a man named “Attaulah” is the mastermind of the attack and remains at large.

    Big surprise here;

    In another development, Taliban spokesman, Sirajuddin Ahmad, says Malala and her family had been warned three times — as recently as last week — before the militants took a decision to execute the 14-year-old, the AP reports.

    Thanks for the warnings…dick.

  • Wounded Warrior Receives Rare Spinal Surgery

    I make it no secret that I have a profound affinity for the EOD Community and the men and women who humbly perform this duty. Here’s a great story about a wounded Marine EOD Technician receiving a very risky procedure to alleviate extreme nerve pain as a result of injuries sustained in an IED blast in Afghanistan.

    Mark Burleson awoke to unimaginable pain a month after the bomb he had been disarming detonated in his hands.

    “My injuries were extensive, to say the least,” said the 31-year-old Marine staff sergeant, who had severe burns, shattered bones and a brain injury from the December 2011 blast in Afghanistan’s Helmand province.

    Burleson’s right arm was gone below the elbow; his left arm spared but paralyzed.

    “All the nerves were ripped from my spinal cord at the root,” he said, describing the damage that drove waves of pain down the otherwise senseless and limp limb. “It felt like someone was lighting my arm on fire with a cutting torch. And, occasionally, they’d stop and tie anchors to the ends of my fingers to rip out the bones.”

    A very vivid description for sure however, Marines aren’t known for their mincing of words.

    On July 26, Burleson left Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Bethesda, Md., for Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, where neurosurgeon Dr. Allan Belzberg agreed to try the high-stakes, high-risk surgery.

    “It’s a dangerous operation, so we only use it when we’ve exhausted all other options,” said Belzberg, who performs the procedure three or four times a year.

    Using a microscope and a tiny electrode, Belzberg made 140 burns in the damaged nerves dangling from Burleson’s spinal cord; nerves intermixed with healthy connections to his lower limbs.

    “If you get it just right, you get rid of the pain,” Belzberg said of the stressful six-hour procedure. “If you’re the slightest bit off, you paralyze his leg.”

    Air Force Chief of Staff General Norton Schwartz from this year’s Memorial Ceremony.

    Schwartz distilled the essence of an EOD technician, speaking to their vital role and singular qualification. He said that being a technician took “the brains of an engineer, the hands of a surgeon and the courage of a martyr.”

    Accurately put and thankfully there are surgeons at Johns Hopkins with the surgical skill and courage to perform such a risky procedure.