This ain't Hell, but you can see it from here

Author: Doc Bailey

  • Harlem Shake goes wrong

    From the folks at U.S. Army WTF moments comes this GREAT video of one soldier trying to do a Harlem shake video until it all goes horribly wrong.

     

     

    Good to know SOMEONE in the Army still has standards.

  • Declaration of Fakery

    When in the Course of human events,  there are people who saw a lot of war movies and wanted to do that too, but liked their couches more, it becomes necessary for such people to craft tales of awesomeness they once read about.  To assume among the powers of the of the internet, the separate and greater station to which their tales of heroism and the Laws of Narcissism and of Narcissism’s God entitle them, a lack of respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare how awesome they are, and threaten to sue should they be found out, and to deny the causes which impel them to tell the lies.

    We hold these truths to be self-evident, that we deserve the adoration that other people fought for with blood sweat and tears.  That we are endowed by Dr Phil with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Lies, fraud and the pursuit of Accolades.–That to secure these rights, the Government can’t take away my “free speech,” deriving their powers from the lies the congress critters told, –That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive to my personhood I can sue, even if I lied.  It is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish their records, and to institute new better stories, laying its foundation on such acts we were too lazy to commit ourselves.

     

    We are better than you, not because we actually did the really impressive stuff that we claim to have done, but rather that we are clever enough to earn the accolades that go with said achievements, without having to sweat for them.  We who make up stories are entitled to be treated like the special little snowflake we know we are.  We are entitled to earning money speaking about our heroism that we did not actually display.  We are entitled to VA benefits for the post traumatic stress we got from watching Deer Hunter.  We demand and declare this!  And if you don’t like it, we’ll sue the crap out of you.

    No law shall stop us from putting on SEAL tridents with Master EOD badges on Marine uniforms.  We will not accept your fellonius slanderous names like MSG Soup Sandwich.  We are awesome.  Just look at our medals!  We were jumping into panama when we were in diapers and how dare you attempt to prove otherwise!

     

    Signed,

    everyone that steals valor

  • HURRAY, It Finally Happened!

    As many of you may (or may not) know, I have been trying secretly for years to dominate the world.  It hasn’t been easy.  My first attempt to raise a small army of poisonous spiders just like in Arachnophobia backfired when The spiders proved to be only mildly annoying.  My next attempt to build a small nuclear reactor to power an army of DeathBots also backfired when the subcontractor for Uranium enrichment happened to get invaded by America.

    It seemed all was for naught, until I heard that there was a “war for oil” going on in that same country!  Well sign me up!  I was planning to ship whole tankers full of crude to my evil lair (conveniently located in the Hollywood hills with only a light commute to downtown!)  Sadly this war for oil business turned out to be a HUGE let down when I realized it wasn’t oil for us, but rather oil for the indigenous peoples.  I would not get to keep one drop of crude even though the stuff was bubbling up all over the place.  Clearly the news was either misinformed or the US Army wasn’t doing a good job of selling this “war so other people can have freedom” crap.

    Needless to say I was quite upset with the US Army!  I mean the only reason I joined was because we were invading 3rd world countries and stealing their oil!  Isn’t that how most great Evil Empires start?  What a let down!  Fortunately all was not lost!  You see around about the time I returned from my first tour, this wonderful new thing called “eBay” became available to me.  I found all sorts of things a maniacal genius like me might need; death rays, orgazmo-bombs (a personal favorite) which, when dropped on a population instantly causes everyone to have an overpowering orgasm.  There was even a Gay Smoke Grenade which would cause such extreme homoerotisism in any men unlucky enough to breathe it in that they would be too busy raping each other to do anything else (a real hit with the Evil Psychiatrists Union).  Finally after much searching I was able to find and buy a small African nation on eBay.  It was perfect!  Secluded, in the jungle, and no one really knew about it.  A perfect place to train my new squad of super female ninjas I managed to acquire from the Iraqi populace (for only 15 goats!  A real bargain.)

    But, sadly for me and my evil plans, Mr Murphy was out in full force.  My nation got over-run by some other quasi-nation then all my would be subjects died of Ebola.  That was of course after they were forced to convert to Islam and burn all their currency that featured my face (apparently I’m some kind of devil to Muslims.  Who knew?).  I could not believe my misfortune.  Clearly it was time for something else.  After the Army and I parted ways (they weren’t going to get me to go to this “war for oil” a third time without letting me take home any oil!)  I tried my hand at several schemes, but none of them really had any oomph.

    That was until I got a call from the Democratic National Committee.  These guys were really worried about Obama losing to some guy that had actually run a business once.  There was talk about a bad record or something, I’m not quite sure I zoned out most of the conversation because, well let’s face it this chick was dull as a 5 month old razor.  I perked right up when she told me that I would get minions.  FINALLY I would have minions that were mine to command!  It was pretty simple too.  All I had to do was say really repetitive bad things about this Romney guy, stuff about how he gave me testicular cancer by glaring at me or my grandma went retarded after he made her wear magic underwear (I’ll be honest I wasn’t taking good notes at the talking points meeting) and I would get my very own minions, on loan, from the DNC.  True I’d have to return them, but, c’mon, I GOT MINIONS!

    They weren’t half bad either.  I got four stoners left over from Occupy Wall Street that I only had to toss Cheetos at occasionally and say something about 10%.  Those guys ate that shit up!  I also got an IRS case worker I used to good success to harass the League for American Justice (not to be confused with the Justice League of America) a group of semi heroes that have been hounding me for all my “evil” ways.  There was even talk that I might get a black panther or two.  Ah, those were heady days leading up to that election.  It turned out that one of the Occupy guys knew a guy who knew a guy in Anonymous who wasn’t so anonymous and really liked Obama.  Best part of all he totally believed the 10% gave Romney testicular cancer which he passed off in his magic underwear to Walmart so they could give autism to Asians (I kinda just had to go with it in that one).  I got this Hacktern to change a large percentage of counted votes for Romney to write in votes for Leeroy Jenkins.  There was also a program that drew dick pictures on the smart phones of anyone who didn’t vote for Obama.

    As agreed, when the election was won I packaged up my minions and sent them back to the DNC HQ.  The Lair never felt so lonely.  While my lair certainly needed a cleaning, what with all the bong water, stale Cheetos, and reams of IRS paperwork everywhere, without minions that meant I had to do it my damn self!  I was quite dejected let me tell you.  I’d only got a few DeathBots to work off of Green Energy (Radium isotopes are green) before I had to send my minions back.  I was in such a sad state that I didn’t even notice the Evil Minions Union was threatening a boycott (I’ve apparently been pissing off too many British secret agents and do not have the proper faceless minion life insurance).

    But finally, FINALLY,after months of waiting I got a signed letter from the President thanking me for my hard work, and a promise of more minions on their way.  He seemed particularly interested in my plan to turn American Idol into an actual cult with me as their idol.  I can’t tell you what a relief it is.  This time around I’m going to get only Occupy organizers not the stoner foot soldiers I had before, who will in turn rally minions of their own to my cause.  I’ll also get a whole IRS office, that’s going to find all the loopholes nessisary to make the LAJ pay millions in immagined back taxes.  I’ll also get free license to use a special FBI counter terror team to silence any of those stupid journalists that dare try to uncover my dastardly plots.  Would you believe I’m even getting Homeland Security to protect my lair?  How awesome is that?  It’s like a dream come true!  Best of all I get picked up by Air Force One to play a round of Golf with the President every other Friday.  There’s some loyalty rewards for ya (suck it American Airlines!).

    The only real downside is, for right now I can only take over or invade white, Christian nations.  Well Europe is certainly White, but there aren’t that many Christians there, and apparently I’m not supposed to attack Muslims (even when they burn the currency, and flags with my face on it!).  I suppose I’ll just start with Ireland and go from there, after all when has invading Ireland ever gone wrong?  Hopefully by the time the Deer Leader (I don’t know why he insists on me calling him that.  Seriously, he doesn’t even like venison) leaves office I’ll have enough people converted to Baileyism (like Taoism but more evil) that I can apply for 501(c) status, and finally have my Holy War against that emerging religion Jedi Knight.  Depending on how that goes I’ll try to take on this “atheism” that everyone keeps going on about.  I can’t wait to start my conquest of the world.  Thank you Mr. President for making it possible!

     

     

    Oh, and Mr President, if your reading this, could you please drone strike the shit out of Claude?  He’s my Nemesis and a real dick.  He totally stole my idea for the DemBot Pelosi model then screwed it up!  Anyone can see that’s a robot.  That Douche has got to go!  Please and thank you.

  • Save a Place

    If you are able,
    save them a place
    inside of you
    and save one backward glance
    when you are leaving
    for the places they can
    no longer go.
    Be not ashamed to say
    you loved them,
    though you may
    or may not have always.
    Take what they have left
    and what they have taught you
    with their dying
    and keep it with your own.
    And in that time
    when men decide and feel safe
    to call the war insane,
    take one moment to embrace
    those gentle heroes
    you left behind.

    ODONN1

     

    Major Michael David O’Donnel

    1 Jan 1970

    MIA 24 Mar 1970

    Dak To, Vietnam.

  • Don’t Hasten Your Time to Join Them

    A lot of you out there are going to have some long hard memories to pick over.  Every year at Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day a lot of memories are bound to come flooding back.  It’s the nature of the beast.  There are so few veterans in this country that our country needs to be reminded of the sacrifices that made them free.  People just don’t know veterans or have connections to Gold Star families anymore.  So they must be reminded.

    But that also reminds us.  It reminds us of the fear.  It reminds us of the sweat tears and blood we shed.  It reminds us of young men, and now women gone in the prime of their lives.  The unmitigated cruelty that such as them should be gone from the world.  We remember, and we wonder.  Why am I still here?  I would be lying if I said there aren’t days I wish I had never come back from Iraq.  Some days I want to grab a rifle and go out again, once more unto the breech, as it were.  There are parts of my live right now I just don’t want to deal with.  Sometimes I’d rather run up and down Route Irish butt ass naked with a cross over my head and a sign that says Mohamed was a p**sy than deal with things in my life.

    But I’ve also come to realize that this life is one worth living.  I still can make a difference.  I know some of you are struggling.  I know some of you are having a hard time.  There are no jobs.  No one seems to care, and when they do ask about your war stories they always want a body count.  I get it.  Believe me, I do.  But you are not ALONE. If you’re struggling today, let someone know.  Ranger Up is monitoring their Facebook page, as are most of the veteran themed Facebook pages.  Reach out to old buddies.  If you don’t trust the VA hotline, or you don’t know who to call, TAH is here these guys will move heaven and earth if you need help.  Read a Duffel Blog article.  Whatever it takes to get you through today.

    We’ve lost enough buddies.  Don’t let the war take you long after its over.  Don’t join then before it’s your time.  If you or any of our brothers and sisters in arms need help, make sure you get it before its too late.

  • After almost 12 years we FINALLY know who was behind 9/11!!!

    Well Actually if you make it through, you find out it was all Bush’s fault. Or the Banks. Or something. You gotta love how these guys keep at it. You also gotta love how he ties it up with a neat little bow.

    It’s total bullshit, and the guy is probably huffing something, but he sure goes into a lot of detail and whackoness.

  • Missing the Benghazi Point

    “Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country“

    -The Ranger Creed

    Watching the Republicans blunder about in the investigation of what happened in Benghazi kind of makes me want to scream.  Who altered the talking points, and why doesn’t really matter to me.  At best they are an after thought to what the investigation should be focusing on.  Namely, we left our ambassador, his staff and the GRS staff at the CIA annex Oscar Tango Foxtrot in the hopes it would all blow over.  We have documented accounts of at least three stand down orders for the GRS staff both in Benghazi and in Tripoli.  We also have the (then) acting chief of mission, Gregory Hicks’ testimony that the Special Forces team that was in Tripoli specifically for the purpose of protecting the missions there was given a stand down order from higher (presumably AFRICOM).  There is no evidence that any of the numerous tier 1 teams in Europe were even aware of what was happening in Libya, let alone given a WARNO.  Despite the assurances of the former SecDef Robert Gates, most experts in military matters agree that they could have gotten at least something in the AO in time to at least assist with the final attack on the CIA annex.

    The conclusion quietly reached by a lot of former soldiers, and a lot of SOCOM veterans as well as a lot of active operators is that one of two things happened; either there was a conscious choice not to rescue our people, in the hopes that it would “blow over,” or there was so much dithering that by the time anyone actually made a decision it was already too late.  Both are completely antithetical to the warrior mentality.  Regardless of what “considerations” need to be made, you rescue your people first.  Indeed, Woods and Doherty (as well as their unnamed teammates) openly defied orders, because that is just what warriors do.  The heroism that it took to load up and take on crows ranging anywhere from 60-100 armed with technicals that had anti-aircraft guns with a small SOF team can not be understated.  It rivals the heroism shown by MSG Gary Gordon and SFC Randy Shughart.

    Republicans should have asked Hillary Clinton why the hell she ordered Stevens to Benghazi in the first place.  They should have asked her, if she “takes full responsibility,” why the hell wasn’t she asking daily about the high threat posts around the world.  I can understand the SecState isn’t going to read every single memo, but you’d think that an area that was supposedly as important as Libya was to her, she’d have asked more than passing questions about what the hell was going on.  One would have thought Dame Clinton would have learned from her husband’s failings in Gothic Serpent, and maybe made sure that her missions were properly supported.  Why haven’t Republicans in both houses asked even the most fundamental questions of her?  Why did they allow her farewell tour to be just that?  It’s painfully clear that the GOP has a dearth of chutzpah, else they would have hammered this administration about pretty much everything it has done in the last 4 years.

    What I think is required is for veterans to remind the GOP the important part of Benghazi: someone screwed up royally, then compounded that screw up by denying any support to our foreign service personnel and CIA officers.  This administration doesn’t know how to treat warriors and is openly suspicious of the motivations of sheepdogs.  They embarrass themselves, and by extension the rest of America with their befuddled tepid responses.  That we don’t call them out on it, or remind them the seriousness of the consequences of their actions leaves some of the culpability in our laps as well.  We need to stop being the “crazy PTSD riddled vets” and start being cogent coherent advocates for a responsible posture in our foreign affairs.

    Most of all, though, I think we need to get someone with big brass ones that’s willing to call out all politicians.  Warriors are men and women of action.  The words we live by have power behind them because the words are inspired by deeds.  They are not the silken words of career politicians but the honest words of those who have seen the tiger, and know too much bullshitting will get you killed.  What we need is a veteran that isn’t afraid to look into the cameras and perhaps more importantly get in the faces of our political critters and say these immortal words: “RANGER THE FUCK UP!“

    Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor, and high esprit de corps of my Ranger Regiment.
    Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea, or air, I accept the fact that as a Ranger my country expects me to move further, faster and fight harder than any other soldier.
    Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.
    Gallantly will I show the world that I am a specially selected and well-trained soldier. My courtesy to superior officers, neatness of dress and care of equipment shall set the example for others to follow.
    Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.
    Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.
    Rangers Lead The Way!!!

  • In Memoriam

    Before 2004, Memorial Day was just a time to relax, mess around and barbeque.  Before 2004, it was something of a celebration to mark the beginning of summer and the end of school.  Before 2004, I knew intellectually that a lot of people had died for this country, but it had never connected with me.  Before 2004 I would never have understood how worth fighting for this country is.  In 2004, I saw war.  I saw death.  I saw mutilation.  I saw good men turned into hamburger.  But I also saw the kind of strength that you won’t see on the news.  I saw men who were clearly scared silly “put their shit on” day after day and run up and down IED strewn roads.  I saw men and women go out for hours upon hours of patrols and return with while lines in their uniforms from the salt they had sweated out.  I watched soldiers refuse to give up on a people that had been ruled by fear as long as most living could remember.

    I returned home to a country that did indeed honor my service, though not uniformly.  I returned to a country that was at war, but said war was not outwardly evident.  I returned to a country blessed with generations of freedom from oppression and tyranny, and the fruits such a life could provide.  How many children here never need fear a government that will target them because they pray to the wrong God (or don’t pray at all)?  Our children are free to love and be loved by whom they chose.  They are free to chose their own path in life.  Despite the fact that there are hardly any civilians that know what a CMB is, and despite the fact that our education system is so dismal many high school children couldn’t even place where Iraq was on a map, I came away with the certainty that America was an idea worth fighting for.  America is an idea worth dying for.  Lest anyone tell you otherwise America is, at its core an IDEA.

    We have planted the seed of this idea in a region that couldn’t be more inhospitable.  Like a gnat in a blast furnace we tried to bring Pax Americana to the worlds most horrendously dangerous and unstable region.  We have paid a price in dearest blood so that others might live beneath the shade of the Tree of Liberty.  We have tried to do this before, in Kuwait, in Panama, in Grenada, Vietnam, Korea, Europe. . . the whole world is almost literally covered with dead Americans who at one point or another raised their right hands and sore to defend the highest ideal of our society.  We weren’t always successful, or even right.  Despite this, we are an honorable people, who are always willing to extend the hand of friendship to our one time enemies.

    To me the Star Spangled Banner will literally bring tears to my eyes.  The words have meaning.  I have seen the rocket’s red glare.  I have felt the bombs bursting in air, and despite it all the Flag was still there.  This symbol for a land too vast for one person to take in, a people so diverse, yet unified, still fills my heart with pride and my eyes with tears when it waves proudly over scenes of devastation like those in Oklahoma.  When it drapes the coffin of a young man or woman that gave their last full measure of devotion.  This nation has some of the bravest sons of bitches you can imagine, and it has been truly an honor to put my boots in their footsteps.  That so many young talented, truly great men and women would lay it all on the line for their country truly says something about this country, and I can say without shame or reservation that I truly Love this country.  With every fiber of my being I love America.

    This Memorial Day weekend will be a long weekend for me in many ways.  I will have to face some of my deepest held fears among which that I failed as a medic, that there was some bit of training I had neglected that might have saved a life.  I will face the fear that the country I so love has forgotten me, and my kinsmen.  I will face my fear that I should have died out there, that I failed as a soldier to meet the enemy and deliver unto him the unequivocal ass kicking he so deserved.   I will face the fear that there are brothers and sisters in arms right now that I should be helping but am not, and we may lose them because they didn’t have a battle buddy when they needed one.  I will face the fear that I will one day need a battle buddy when my past gets the better of me.  I will face the ultimate fear that I am weak in spirit and in mind that I should be so easily overcome by so relatively little when compered to great men and women who go forth and do great things minus limbs or with sever deformity.

    I know many other veterans will look at pictures of the headstones in Arlington.  I know that many other veterans will have a quiet moment where they raise a glass to absent companions.  I know many other veterans feel as I do, and will relate to almost every single word I have written.  I remind you, look around.  There is such goodness in our people.  Your battle buddies are not gone.  The spirit of their courage, of their devotion lives on all around you.  Their insatiable humor, or their devotion to duty, or whatever aspect of your brothers or sisters that you miss can be found infused in the People.  We the People may have lost some truly outstanding individuals, but because of those sacrifices our nation has not known some of the horrors war can bestow on a people.  Because some brave American souls held the line the world is a safer place.  For that reason if no other I will rest a little easier this Memorial Day weekend.

     

    In memory of:

    SPC Daniel J McConnell, 27 Duluth MN 16 November 2004

    SPC David P Mahlenbrock, 20 Maple Shade NJ 3 December 2004

    SPC Andre Craig Jr., 24 New Haven CT 25 June 2007

    PFC James J Harrelson, 19 Dadeville AL 17 July 2007

    SFC James D Doster, 37 Pine Bluff AR 29 September 2007

    veteran Neil D Holmes, 32 Suicide on 26 May 2011