After receiving complaints numbering in the hundreds of thousands by military personnel in all branches, the Pentagon has decided to replace the completely ineffective and annoying SHARP program with a less boring and much quicker spay/neuter clinic for all personnel.
The most common complaints are that Power Point programs leave people bored to death, asleep and snoring, or terrified of even looking at their fellow soldiers, Marines, airmen, or shipmates.
One Marine complained bitterly about not even being glanced at sideways by the women in his unit, thanks to SHARP. “It deflated my sense of who I was,” LCPL Brandon Perkshire said. “I always thought I was a hunk. I mean, look at these guns, willya? Since attending SHARP, I’ve spent more time in the company of stray dogs and pizza delivery men than I do with women. I have regular conversations with my trouser trumpet because it’s so lonely, but I’m getting no joy out of it. Pep talks aren’t working too well, either. Seriously, if I want some pussy, I have to go to a no-kill cat shelter.”
He sounded somewhat bitter, however, when asked if he thought his social life might pick up with this program, he brightened up considerably. “Geez, I sure hope so,” LCPL Perkshire said. “I’d feel more like going back to Hooters to watch the games with my buddies.”
Navy PO2 Laura Boatman’s response to the change was welcoming. “I like the idea,” she said. “It makes it so much easier to do family planning if I can store my eggs in cryo and choose the baby daddy from a list of healthy prospects, with photos included. It will really take a load off my mind.”
The proposed change will allow service members to avail themselves of low-cost spay and neuter services at $75 a pop through a local large animal veterinarian if the service is not available where they are based. For example, NAVSTAGLAKES in northeastern Illinois can accommodate all of the service personnel in the Midwest, or refer active duty personnel to the large animal vet clinic at the University of Illinois in Urbana if the distance to NSGreat Lakes is too great.
“What the Pentagon has noticed is that in the Military Working Dog Corps, the female dogs don’t come in heat and the male dogs are not even remotely interested in them,” an unidentified spokesman said. “The only real concern is that female service members might become overly interested in chasing squirrels or digging under cabinets for lost items, and the male service members may start demanding their own kong toys and biscuit breaks. And they’ll probably all want walkies after work, too.”
