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The great BYU war on masturbation

by TSO••221

Um, what?

My Mom said it would make me go blind. I now have 20/400 vision, so joke is on her. I can almost see my hairy palm.

Are you kidding me with this?

I had to have a swim test a few weeks ago at the doctors office, and it was the only test I had ever studied for 30 years. (I passed) But can we agree that the war analogy here is misplaced? VT Woody and Sniper were fighting this horrible war mere feet from my bunk in Afghanistan.

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221 thoughts on “The great BYU war on masturbation”

  2. MGySgtRet.: depends on whether or not they’ve seen their urologist for bandaid surgery.

    But I think I have an idea what the BFA (AKA “blank adapter”) looks like. (smile)

  3. @33 Old Trooper, I was going to mention the SKS. The other rifle looks like a Ruger 10/22. However I’m not going to watch it again just to confirm it.

  7. You guys should ask The Phildo at All Points Logistics.

    I can only imagine that he enjoys watching male masturbation.

  8. @37: If it’s cold that day, I’m in trouble 🙂

    @53: Yeah, it looked like it to me, also. And, like you, I’m not going to re-watch that steaming pile of shit to confirm it.

  9. MCPO,

    You’re missing out. If you use your left hand, it feels like “someone else” is giving you a helping hand to relieve your stress.

  12. Might come in handy (pun intentional) if you ever end up with your right wrist in a cast, too. (smile)

  13. Just to add more humor to this out-of-hand thread and a dash of entertainment;

    WARNING: I was never in the US Navy but previously in the US Army so my Naval battleship sound effects might be slightly off (based on Hollywood movies)…

    U.S.S. Livingroom

    P.A. system voice: MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS – MAN YOUR BATTLESTATIONS – INCOMING ENEMY AIRCRAFT APPROACHING

    Background sound effects: WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING

    P.A. system voice: ENEMY AIRCRAFT APPROACHING STARBOARD SIDE 900 METERS AND CLOSING

    Background sound effects: WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING WOOP-WOOP DING-A-LING-A-LING

    Sound effects from a Vulcan system: FRRRP FRRRP FRRRP FRRRP FRRRP

    P.A. system voice: ENEMY AIRCRAFT DOWN – CLEAN-UP CREW TO AFT ON THE DOUBLE

  14. Well I’d give everybody a big “hand” for all their great posts but that would be kinda you know…Navy, don’t ya think. 😀 I forgot, “if it’s under way…”

    So let’s leave it at you just touch yours and I’ll just touch mine and everyone will be HAPPY afterwards!

  15. FTR, Yes, at BYU, drinking and smoking, as well as Freshman and Sophomore dating are prohibited!! DAMN, they oughtta give their boys a shot at some kind of stress relief!!

    In A-stan, we’d “appropriate” plywood to make partitions with in our B-huts we lived in. Once done, our cubicles were referred to as “jack-shacks”, nearly everyone would have a cheap blanket or a “woobie” placed over the doorway, and more than a few of us would say “Hey, always knock, I might be spankin’ my monkey!”.
    If I had an extra dollar for every time I had a hot date with Rosie Palms overseas. I could go on a helluva Vegas vacation!

    Of all the things for a college to declare war on:
    Spanking the Monkey
    Pumping the Porpoise
    Milking the Lizard
    Bopping Baloney
    Slapping the Salami
    Squishing the Squid…

  16. So, what you guys are saying is that none of you know about the proper way to use the handheld shower attachment, especially when turning it to the pulsing massage action?

  18. @66 Ex…I was completely lost on that one! I do not understand at all what that could ever do for me other than sooth an aching muscle maybe…but not “that” one. Men are just matter of fact, “hands on” you might say. Nothing else works…while alone anyway.

    Believe me, I tried…I really, REALLY tried as a teenager and even later on to “think” it into happening. No way, never happened and I think every man here would agree. It cannot be done with deliberate thought. It takes “physical input” on somebody’s “part”. 😀

    IF… there is a guy here who says he did think it into being (absent drugs or any other stimulus) I say one thing…LIAR. Prove it! I want names, dates and places. 😀

  20. #65 Yo Infidel, “FTR, Yes, at BYU, drinking and smoking, as well as Freshman and Sophomore dating are prohibited!! DAMN, they oughtta give their boys a shot at some kind of stress relief!!”

    Almost, but not quite. Drinking and smoking are prohibited, yes, but not Freshman and Sophomore dating. My wife and I got married as sophomores, we started dating when she was a freshman. (I was a sophomore for a long time)

    For stress relief, BYU used to have a fight club. It didn’t go on for too long due to diligent obedience of the first rule of fight club… not enough people talked about it so it died.

  21. Oh yeah, if it wasn’t clear in my last post, I went to BYU. Not the BYU in Idaho, though, the real BYU.

  22. @65 and @66, check out the closing credits of “Carlin at Carnegie.” He updates the list of 7 Words You Can’t Say on Television. Very funny stuff.

  23. @53: I think the first weapon was from the Mosin Nagant family. It appeared to have an integral fixed magazine, like the Mosins. Could have been a Carcano, but Mosin makes more sense – right now the Mosin is dirt cheap surplus and common as hell. Right period for the WW2ish uniforms, wrong country.

  25. @CAs6, OK, I got 2 out of 3, I think it’s Liberty University that prohibits th Freshman & Sophomore dating if I’m correct.

    @Ex-PH2, yeah, that and “Rockin’ the Rooster”!

  26. I am shocked that with all this personal info going around, our resident idiots haven’t showed up. And thankful! I’d hate to learn how Old WhipandFlogit “handles” things, but I’m betting it’s with tweezers.

    Ex-PH2 – Nothing like a nice long hot shower! 😉

  27. Maybe next they can make a film about the danger of Internet trolls. If only someone had intervened, Paul K. Wickre would still have a job.

  28. Durnburnit! I got to use ‘pulsing’, but I never got to use ‘throbbing’. I’ll have to do better next time.

  30. As my beloved wife so aptly put it: “You guys are winning the war against prostate cancer one stroke at a time!” THIS is example #2435 of why I’m still happily married…

    Also, two of my favorite’s ya’ll missed:

    Punching the Clown
    Roughing Up the Suspect

  32. I tried to watch it a second time, but when they got to the part with the heavy breathing and the binoculars, it was just too much. The snorting and giggling started, then the gasping for air, and before long, I was overwhelmed with the throbbing and pulsing and…. oh, I can’t go on!!!!

  33. If God didn’t want you you to “wax the pope” he would have gave you dinosaur arms. Thank God for opposable thumbs.

  34. Laughing all day about following this story. All of a sudden something really scary came to mind. Could you imagine being asleep in your little plywood cubicles and harry reid coming to visit you? Or diane from San Fran? I’m sure you would have received a really memorable “handshake”. I guess you would find out if they were left or right handed.

    Just laughing about the WTF of the BYU of this issue.

    Stunned

  35. Um…I think it’s pretty tasteless to use saving your comrades in battle for combating college sex, but the only theme I saw in here was on pornography addiction. That is a very serious and legitimate problem. I don’t get the masturbation component. Was it in a description that came with the video or something?

  36. And I sure hope the “cunning, devious enemy” are squirrels. That was a Marlin Mod. 60 22lr. semiauto that first soldier had. And the guy running to the wounded soldier’s aid with an SKS? Priceless.

  37. This video makes think that all of those homeless “veteran” panhandlers may have actually served, just not in the wars that you may have been thinking of.

  43. Here’s one of my favorites…..


    ” I’m going to beat it like it owes me money….” (unknown)

  44. Ex-PH and Valkyrie this morning after a nights sleep I am still lost on the shower head operation. But as to men not understanding womanly mysteries…you are so right again. You nailed that point and countersunk it.

    But then again that is what all this is about. Those of us “nails” who “stand proud” and the other sex of “nails” who are “countersunk”. 😀 😀 😀

    I heard that term way back in the day. An old Sergeant on halting the platoon to let a female platoon pass by on the road, murmured “countersunk soldiers”.

  46. @94 ChipNASA you da man. LMAO on that one. In all my years I hadn’t heard it. “Beat it like it owes me money!”

  48. @59 Yeah but that someone else has a man’s hand….

    Nice to see the war on Masturbation can generate so many responses.

    While I understand that BYU is allowed to have their own rules and codes for their students, they should know if you make a stupid 4ss video expect stupid 4ss comments to follow….at least they are not urging their students to kill infidels or the children of infidels, they just don’t want their students asphyxiating poultry during their down time.

  49. In regard to curling as a sport, on the news this morning, there were photographs of members of a few Russian winter Olympics team members. One of them is a Siberian woman named Olga ZyblikovAa, who is on the Russian curling team.

    Her photo is down the page.

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2550897/Off-piste-Russias-female-Olympians-Russia-goes-Sochi-charm-offensive-scantily-clad-photo-call-athletes-youve-never-seen-before.html

    I’m sure you guys will watch curling, and other Olympic sports, with renewed interest now. 🙂

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