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Bernathian heroism: My time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite that’s chokin’ on the splinters

by TSO••197

Not sure if we had ever shared this, and it’s good for a chuckle as the world’s greatest legal mind, and friend to all pisses off a radio host:

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197 thoughts on “Bernathian heroism: My time is a piece of wax fallin’ on a termite that’s chokin’ on the splinters”

  1. I can remember who showed me this on here. But classic stuff. Even during this time frame, Bernath was batshit insane.

    2. Whoever it was remains an Enigma.

      The “Dan” making this radio appearance, the one who “runs toward danger” clearly doesn’t seem like a 100% Service Connected Disabled Veteran. That Agent Orange must have snuck up on him sudden like. One day he’s running towards danger and the next day he’s rocking back and forth in the corner, massaging his prostate.

      1. ” … massaging his prostate, via his penis, with a catheter.”

        There, fixed it for you.

      1. I just listened to it again… Michael Berry does an epic takedown on his ass at the end LOL. “Morbidly obese screeners who can’t conjugate the “be” verb”…. totally awesome!

    2. I just want to add … that “rusty chainsaw” that I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, which apparently got me named in the “suite” (still laughing over that one,) I still wish for Bernath to insert it into his anal orifice, sideways. Hopefully the automatic bar oiler is rusted over and he doesn’t have the benefit of lube.

  3. [Edited]

    Not really related to Daniel Bernath, but while we’re on the subject of fucking retards…

      1. I’d ask an admin to remove that first link if it is related to any real school of any real person.

  4. Daniel A. Bernath, remember what I said about you running around with sharp objects and BB Guns, SAFETY FIRST®™!!

    1. That joker reminds me of the kooks you see wearing BDU’s to a Gun Show or you find them at the counter waiting for someone to show them what’s there, and THEY KNOW EVERYTHING. He sounds like he’s the pride of his Airsoft trailer court militia!!

        1. Good. Good. YES!! yeah, and the last few I’ve come across were about as fit and trim as ‘ol Blobfish Chevalier! One was trying to sell me a 9mm pistol and tried to bluster me when i said I prefer the knockdown power of my .45ACP, he looked at me through his sunglasses he was wearing inside and told me”You’re just as dead from my 9mm when I make a headshot!” It took all the self-discipline I have to keep from falling on my ass laughing at him. Jokers like that are cheaper by the dozen!!

            1. JUST WHAT EVERY “Trailer Court Airsoft™ Rambo wannabe” aspires to become, A MEGA-GEARDO®™!!

    2. Holy shit that was a train wreck I could not look away from! Actually, one of the guys made me think of old Dallas…something he commented saying he’d be “LRRPing a perp”…certainly seems to be his style just minus the “disabled Vietnam veteran” part

  6. Apparently bernads has always been a moron, this isn’t a new development. I still desire to skull fuck his soul

    1. I’d much rather just eat his soul and shit it into Satan’s mouth the next day!!

    2. Again, I wouldn’t skull fuck him with Chevy’s dick and Psual pushing.

      Too bad ol’ Sparky there didn’t come across a bomb during his time with TSA and use the “just open it up method”

  7. He’s the one patrolling that long lonely fence protecting us. He’s the sheepdog standing watch through the night. He’s rough and mean because it takes men like him, men who will do anything, to keep us safe. Hahaha. Such a POS. What a delusional jackass.

    2. I wonder if he considers himself a “meat shield” like the heavy chevy? If so, that meat is spoiled, time to throw it out.

    3. He’s the sheep dog licking his ass while waiting for the Photoshoped graphic to come off the printer. FIFY.

  8. Damn I wish there was a part two to this lol…

    *Wiggles bum at Bernath*

    Hey Bernath….

    My feelings are still hurt….don’t you like my bum anymore? 🙁

    That’s ok..I’m sure Wippenfloppit’s bum is much more to your taste anyway. Just remember to swipe the Santorum Stain off that dead rat stuck to your face when you done.

    http://fi.somethingawful.com/safs/smilies/5/8/yosbutt.001.gif

    1. “don’t you like my bum anymore?”

      The rest of us do. 🙂

      Hey, it’s Friday, I can say that.

  9. So… when TSA officers detect a bomb in a suitcase, they’re required to open the bag or get fired on the spot? (Yeah, okay.) His comments start at about 2:45. Another poser lie.

    1. I ASSume that’s IF they even detect it in the first place. Not long ago, fake bombs went through many a TSA checkpoint undetected.

  10. I don’t think this is the Bernath we are looking for… Is this him? He seems like an arse TSA agent.

    2. No, it must be another douchey attorney with delusions of power in the Portland area whose name is ‘Daniel’ and who speaks exactly like Bernath (smile).

      1. I didn’t listen to all of it, only the first few minutes. I must have missed when he announced himself as an attorney, but there was a part where he stated something like “when you guys are running out, we are running in”. You can sorta see why I came to think he was a TSA agent.

        I did think it odd, because he did say that he was taking “cases”. I was basically thinking, “well, are you an attorney or a TSA agent? You can’t be both!”

        I do have to say, no matter who he is, he certainly is a jerk. Deserved the beatdown (I listened to the last 50 seconds as well), in my opinion.

        I always thought Bernath would sound a bit more like Barney or something. Maybe one of those loons from an insane asylum. The jabbering, and the high-pitched voice… Ah, well.

        1. He refers to him/itself as “distinguished” in that field. what was he/it, “Diaper Prober/ Granny-groper of the Year”?

          1. Bernath, just because you can use that Cathoder “6-8 times a day” on your own doesn’t mean that you’re distinguished.

            I know this is a non-sequitur, but he looks and acts like a less intelligent version of Daniel Hardman from the TV show “Suits”. Maybe that’s where they got their inspiration?

  11. Nothing like calling into a radio show and calling the host ignorant within the first 30 seconds to start an intelligent debate.
    Did he keep refering to the host as “Counselor” ?
    According to Birdbath anyone who works customer service/ security has a pass to be a dick.

  12. I didn’t know that we defused bombs by ‘putting them on a shelf and opening them’. Honestly, I’m fairly certain that SOP on a ‘suspected bomb’ is that blasting cage/box/whatever you want to call it. WHICH IS AWESOME.

  13. BTW: if anyone ever doubted my story about him insisting that I said, “OVER” each time I was done speaking while conversing (if you can it that) with him … Here is your proof!

    Thanks TSO … This is one of my FAVs!

    1. Mater Chief…

      Umm..You forgot again.

      Here’s a cigar and some fine rum for you…

      OVER!

  14. I’m 100% damned positive that Bernutsless will be this year’s SV Champ, thus he’ll get the Horse’s Ass Medal, but JUST A THOUGHT: I’ll donate the money and my metal working skills to make it. a Second Place Medal for “BLOBFISH” Chevalier, a Horse’s Ass medal cut in half, dressed up, and then sent to ‘ol “Blobfish” Chevalier himself to remind him he came in second place and was a HALF-ASS when compared to Bernutless!!

    1. I’ll contribute to the cost Proud, as long as you put sparkly glitter on Cheeze Whiz’s one..k?

      1. Yes, Ma’am, I ASSume you want rainbow glitter on his “HALF-ASS” Medal?

          1. If I get “commissioned” to do such an award (And I might just do it anyway because of a wild hair up my ass), I shall consult with you on it, I’m thinking of a rainbow-like glitter surrounding the “Half-ass” with an epoxy finish!

  15. The grass I raked up on the lawn this morning is smarter than bernutsless.

    In fact, those little flags they stick in the ground to mark power, cable and gas lines are smarter than he is.

    It’s difficult to listen to that one-sided imbecilic argument without tossing my dinner. Maybe he’ll just wind himself up so tight, everthing will suddenly snap and he’ll run down to a limp biscuit.

  16. maybe someone from here should contact Mr. Berry and let him know about the type of lying crazy person he had on the phone…could make for some fun times

  17. Now Hear This,

    Bernath is a syphilitic Queef. Dullas sniffs those Queefs.

    He is not a Chief.

  18. Suck ASS Danny BOY.

    You. Are. LESS. THAN. WORTHLESS.

    /if that is even possible…Oh right…yes it is…. You. PROVE. IT!.

    // Can’t wait to hear you’re in JAIL …. BITCH!!! Eat Jelly or Syrup pussy BUBBA CUNT.

  19. Bernath claimed to have worked for DHS from 2002 – 2004. He did not. He will insist that he did but he did not. He will then insist again that he worked for DHS during period above, but he did not.

    Carry on!

    1. It wouldn’t surprise me, the TSA usually hires dumbasses too stupid to even be a shopping mall rent-a-fuzz!

  23. Mr. Bernath, I just saw your height in a previous comment on a different post made by Poetrooper. Six-two! Wow! I didn’t know they stacked shit that high!

      1. R. Lee Ermey is my idol. Every one of my best swearing and insult phrases comes from him 😀

        1. HS Sophomore,
          I’ve met Mr Ermey briefly a time or two. In person he is pretty soft spoken and easy going.
          He is a genuine Vietnam Vet who served in a support role, and never tries to embelish what he did. Unlike Birdbath R. Lee Ermey IS a bonafide honorary E-7 ( USMC Gunnery Sergeant).

          1. That’s swell. He seems like a nice guy. My life’s mission is to get my hands on the 150-page binder of insults he wrote up and sent to Stanley Kubrick to get the part as Gunnery Sergeant Hartman.

        2. HS Soph, if you want to learn impressive insults and you can’t get that manuscript, you just come to me. But you can start by finding a list of Shakespeare’s insults, and go from there.

          I have so much enlightenment for you, grasshopper.

            1. Oh, Nicki, the stories I could tell you!

              I am SO looking forward to the Renaissance Faire this year. There are so many of them to go to, it’s hard to choose, but the weather looks good for it. And if the Puritans are there, I can torment them. 😉

  24. Wow, never visited KOALA Swimwear till tonight. Thought I’d give a click for Jonn.

    The website was busy for over an hour. I finally e-mailed the site webmaster and asked wtf?

    Webmaster replied and apologized.

    Webmaster stated someone named Bermnasty from Tigard, Oregon had all the bandwidth tied up with a massive order. Apparently the swim suits were a perfect fit for his small pointy bald head. Bermnasty wanted to be prepared for the next cold Oregon winter.

    If in Florida and he visits the local tranny beach, his little pointy bald head won’t get sunburned! A perfect fit over his beaver cheeks!

    Wonder what he ordered from the “clamps and rings” section. Never mind…

    Never a CPO, never an Honorary CPO.

    1. BinhTuy, I looked, too, yesterday. I wanted to post a warning – that it requires a sidelong glance, and don’t linger – but I could not stop laughing.

      But just think! If the ads, including Koala Men’s Swimwear, are on bernutsky’s website with whatever he stole from TAH, they’re making money for TAH and Jonn.

      All hail, the dunce, the fool in the corner!

  25. “As you’re running out of the airport, we’re running in.”

    He makes it sound like there’s a bomb threat and mass panic at the airport on a regular basis.

    And I’ve seen the majority of those TSA personnel. The only place they might run to is cinnabon.

    3. Cinnabon, hell, ya oughtta see ’em bolt for Dunkin’ Donuts the moment they label the old ones half off, talk about a stampede!!

  26. I have three Snakemasters in my yard. I have no idea what to do with them. Any ideas? Anyone?

    2. No, no, GDC. Sicily and South Dakota. The Snakemasters are in South Dakota, annoying the mother cows.

      1. Theresa … He will never find you in South Dakota … Your neighbors are way to protective … If you know what I am talking about!

  27. Hi! I see that you all are huge fans of my most famous student! I am so proud of him for all that he has accomplished in his life, and I want to share with you the rules for debate that I taught him, and which have turned him into the legal legend that he is today:

    1. Make outrageous claim, especially one which makes yourself look smarter\better\faster\more fragrant than opponent. (Usually includes an insult to the intelligence of opponent.)
    2. When opponent begins to (easily) refute outrageous claim, begin pointing out irrelevant errors in opponent’s argument. If there are no errors, fabricate some.
    3. Insist that opponent does not understand your point.
    4. Re-state a slightly different point, including exaggerated examples to bolster your claims.
    5. When opponent attempts to bring the conversation back to the original point, insist again that they do not understand your original point.
    6. Bring in some utterly irrelevant evidence that serves mostly to obfuscate the issue.
    7. Insult your opponent’s intelligence when they become confused about your argument.
    8. Insist your opponent still does not understand your point.
    9. Re-state another, completely different point.
    10. Make more outrageous exaggerated claims.
    11. Insist that you have some specific inside knowledge that your opponent does not.
    12. Lie liberally and often. It doesn’t matter how outrageous the lie – in fact outrageous lies are more helpful, because then you can distract your opponent into refuting your lies instead of the original point.
    13. When your opponent is completely befuddled and confused about what you were even arguing about, declare victory and do the victory dance.
    14. Slink off to the bathroom for your bi-hourly catheterization…

    1. Did you teach him to call the opponent “snowflake”? If so, that was genius!

        1. Left, right, or center. This technique is developed especially for those devoid of any and all rational intelligence.

          And an unhealthy obsession with their own urinary tract.

    3. You bastard: “more fragrant” … I dropped my iPhone in the toilet!

      1. Bummer, Master Chief, sounds like a shitty deal, gotta clean it good so you don’t have a shifty conversation with someone over it!!
        *QUICKLY ducking into the low crawl*

      2. Bummer, Master Chief, sounds like a shitty deal, gotta clean it good so you don’t have a shifty conversation with someone over it!!
        *QUICKLY ducking into the low crawl*

        1. Hondo….posted here and there for everyone’s reading pleasure…

          Since Bernath is a piece of shit that makes us want to vomit….
          ——————–
          /not me..just a poor soul that posted that is now internets famous….
          ————–

          Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

          Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan’s Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid’s night at Ryan’s, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

          We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you – in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

          I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

          Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It’s amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress… I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit.

          I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began “The Move.”

          For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain “The Move.” Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one?s ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

          I was about halfway into “The Move” when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

          What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

          Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake…you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of “30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi” or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass.

          But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall – at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you’re going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls – unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

          Now, back to the vomit…

          While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants…on the inside…with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

          And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

          About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I’m sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

          The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan’s making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

          Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

          When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

          The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan’s Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

            1. Google says it came from a page called IHOS “International House of Steve”….

              Don’t know if he wrote it or not.

            2. This is a true story, the names have not been changed. This really happened.

              I travel allot, I have seen the best and worst of truck stop bathrooms, rest areas and the like. What I am about to confess should happen to no man.

              I had been sick. Not the I need to stay in bed and watch TCM kind of sick, but the I feel like ass, but I have to keep working kind of sick.

              I was driving down the road and it hit me. I had to take a crap. Now I have developed a set of rules for the urgency of the dump that needs to be taken.

              I have the 15 minute shit rule, Meaning that where ever I am in 15 minutes is where I am going to shit.

              The 5 Minute shit rule. Much the same but not so picky about where I shit.

              The 3 minute shit rule. That means any port in a storm, Women s room, mens room, 5 gallon bucket, I dont care.

              Then its the code brown. That is the Im going to shit now.

              So I had been feeling bad, tummy was upset, lots of gas ect. It hit me that I had to shit. It was a 5 minute shit rule. I found a truck stop, got parked, did the ass clench walk into the store and headed for the rest room.

              It was closed, the lady cleaning it said the ones in the restaurant were open. I almost pushed past here and used it any way, but in my arrogance I thought I could make it to the other one.

              Across the store, into the restaurant, at this point I had my hand on my ass almost doing a hop step. I look for the bathroom and cant see it. I am in a panic, The hostess sees me and I guess understood right away from the look on my face and the sounds coming from my ass. Back corner. I knew I would not make it. I think she did too but I had to try.

              God has a cruel sense of humor. As I was rounding the turn at the hot bar, doing a slide, skip shuffle both hands on the ass cheeks ballet the smell of spicy hot chicken wings hit me. The steam from the bar hit my eyes, they watered, the smell hit my nose and I new my world was going to end.

              I tried to hold it, but it didnt work. I sneezed and shit right there at the hot bar.

              I was wear the old style BDU pants. The smell hit me me and I coughed.

              1. Lovely … Just absolutelylovely. Thank you for ruining my meatball parm sandwich … That aside, good to see you back.

                Dickweed!

                1. Master Chief,

                  One of the few saving graces of working where I am currently is the fact that 1–the hotel is literally a 2-minute drive away, 2–there’s a kickass sandwich shop that’s the best and best selection this side of Carnegie Deli, and a hell of a lot cheaper, too.

              2. Fucking tears rolling down my face…..

                Pretty shitty day on TAH!

                Bernath is still a HUGE fucking TURD!!!

              3. I posted before I finished,

                SO there I was, pants full of shit, in a truck stop standing at the hot bar.

                I headed of towards the rest room, went in the stall and was trying to clean up.

                A couple of minutes go buy and a bag with undies, jogging pants and socks with a shower ticket comes under the door.

                I hear a guy say, Brother we will all shit ourselves from time to time. I was getting ready to take a shower but you need it allot more than I do.

      4. If you ever drop your iPhone in the toilet, let it go, because man, it’s gone

        /R.I.P. Jack Handy and Phil Hartman

  28. 15. When confusion is at its highest, file a frivolous lawsuit on behalf of yourself and other valor thieves.

  29. I have been struggling to try and come up with a response, every time though I burst into fits of laughter over his exaggerated self worth and depiction of his duties groping passengers as heroic…
    I wonder how praised he was after admitting he was often the subject of complaints.
    What an utter jackass.

  32. 16. Pick a fight with and challenge a Most Honorable and Genuine Master Chief Petty Officer, the current Master Chief Petty of the Navy (MCPON) and the two previous MCPONs, while attracting the attention of EVERY Genuine CPO in the free world to your cause!

    Singularly legal genious and brilliance at work!

    1. He really is a shining example of mental deficiency at work, isn’t he Master Chief. Puts a stick in a hornets nest and then cries like a pussy when he gets stung. BRILLIANT!!!!!!

    2. 17. He is a mysogynistic slur, else he would not refer to any woman as a ‘skank’.

      But then, he should know what his origin was. He is a toad-eating, ape-born, reeking, spongy, whey-faced, flap-mouthed goat fluffer. His father mated with a camel, he was born under a basket, and he is in love with his own stench.

  33. Anytime someone says “I pay taxes” they’re about to be an asshole!

    Both bernasty and the DJ were wrong and right, to a point!
    People are such fucking pansies these days! They want everyone to coddle them and think of their feelings. That’s why when my kids fall down and get hurt, I point and laugh then kick them. I think it’s all a beautiful metaphor of life.

    Joke!

  34. I humbly beseech any and all players involved to commit to paper what can be committed to paper, so that when this debacle comes to its righteous end, that all may read from the “Chronicles of Bernath: Fables, Lies and Lamentations.”

    Sell it on Amazon as a Kindle book, with proceeds to the TAH media empire.

    Open Channel D sends…

    1. How many volumes are you proposing to publish, Open Channel D? I don’t think one will suffice for those chronicles. (smile)

      1. As perpetually as they spout off, Bernutless, Whatsafart, Blobfish Chevalier,… one could make it a periodical titled “IDIOTS PARADING STUPIDITY”!

      2. Volume I (The Humiliation) will take us through to his disbarment and conviction; Volume II will be a series of prison interviews with cell-mates, prison staff, interspersed with (unintentionally) comical introspective vignettes told by the Balding Barrister himself.

        I anticipate a made-for-TV movie will be optioned. I’m hoping John Malkovich would play Bernath; he brings a special kind of crazy to the show. If not him, maybe Woody Harrelson. Thoughts?

          1. Kramer from Sienfeld …. Along with the hatred and racist rants …

            Or hell hire Bernath to play himself. With all his Portlandia experiences and acting accomplishments …

          2. Nope. There is only one person who can accurately portray this level of crazy on the silver screen…….Christopher Walken!

            1. What about Mike Meyers: Action/Comedykinda like Austin Powers but Bernath played by Meyers would be a zanny British Barrister who a set on destroying the world by starting with the destruction of himself!

        3. Malkovich, because he has far more depth than a quart of water.

          Never hire a fool to play a fool.

  35. Some of you have occasionally given me compliments for the insults I’ve thrown at people like psul the uncool and bernutsless, but I cannot, in all sincerity, take full credit for the entire thing.

    You see, I had a very good education which included Latin (2 yrs) and also a father who taught theater and produced plays every year by an unknown writer named Will Shakespeare (whoever he is).

    I have always believed that an insult or set-down can be eloquent and erudite, and likewise, scathing and downright intimidating, without the use of what are commonly referred to as vulgarities. No matter how much fun the short-form insults may be, there is a limited depth to them. One can only use ‘fuck’ or ‘cock’ so many times before it loses its impact.

    And so that you understand exactly where I gained the capacity to deflate an arrogant, self-important mushroom like bernastypants, I will quote a few of Shakespeare’s best, for your entertainment and enlightenment.

    These are, of course, addressed to bernastypantsman.

    A knave; a rascal; an eater of broken meats; base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave, a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd, in way of good service, and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pandar, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch: one whom I will beat into clamorous whining, if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.
    King Lear (2.2.14-24)

    O you beast!
    I’ll so maul you and your toasting-iron,
    That you shall think the devil is come from hell.
    King John (4.3.105)

    Such antics do not amount to a man.
    Henry V (3.2.28)

    He is white-livered and red-faced.
    Henry V (3.2.30)

    Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish! O for breath to utter what is like thee! you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile standing-tuck!
    1 Henry IV (2.4.227-9)

    Thou mis-shapen dick!
    3 Henry VI (5.5.35)

    Two of my favorites:

    You wear out a good wholesome forenoon in hearing a cause between an orange wife and a fosset-seller.
    Coriolanus (2.1.68-9)

    More of your conversation would infect my brain.
    Coriolanus (2.1.91)

    And these are for chevy cheesedick:

    You are not worth another word, else I’d call you knave.
    All’s Well that Ends Well (2.3.262)

    I do desire we may be better strangers.
    As You Like It (3.2.248)

    He is deformed, crooked, old and sere,
    Ill-faced, worse bodied, shapeless everywhere;
    Vicious, ungentle, foolish, blunt, unkind;
    Stigmatical in making, worse in mind.
    The Comedy of Errors (4.2.22-5) (also applies to bernutsky)

    This sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh!
    1 Henry IV (2.4.225-6)

    Thou mis-shapen dick!
    3 Henry VI (5.5.35)

    Some report a sea-maid spawn’d him; some that he was begot between two stock-fishes. But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice.
    Measure for Measure (3.2.56)

    Thy food is such
    As hath been belch’d on by infected lungs.
    Pericles (4.6.156)

    Out of my sight! thou dost infect my eyes.
    Richard III (1.2.159)

    I shall laugh myself to death at this puppy-headed monster!
    The Tempest (2.2.155)

    It does pay to have a good education and a deep and useful vocabulary

  36. Ex-PH2,

    I shall laugh myself to death at this puppy-headed monster!
    The Tempest (2.2.155)

    And all this time I thought it was “poopy-headed monster.”

    BREAK

    Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.
    –Henry IV, part 2

    You, minion, are too saucy.
    –The Two Gentlemen of Verona

    [Thou] hath more hair than wit, and more faults than hairs, and more wealth than faults.
    –The Two Gentlemen of Verona

    Come, come, you talk greasily; your lips grow foul.
    –Love’s Labour’s Lost

    Your bum is the greatest thing about you; so that in the beastliest sense, you are Pompey the Great.
    –Measure for Measure

    Thou droning unwash’d maggot-pie!
    —

    Thou dissembling knotty-pated horn-beast!
    —

    Thou pribbling crook-pated mammet!
    —

    Thou impertinent beef-witted devil-mon!
    —

    Hooah!

    1. And this one:

      Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.
      Troilus and Cressida (2.1.41)

      Although, I do think everyone here has more brains in either elbow than bernitwitted has in that empty, gas-filled cavern in his head.

  37. Either of them may bring to mind the days of sail. When a scullery wench burdened with child was in labor and not progressing, she was made to lie next to a cannon. The cannon was fired again and again until the child burst forth from the womb. Thus the origin of “son of a gun”; which in times past was not a compliment.

  38. Oh Hellkite!
    (The only line I remember from “The Scottish Play”)

    1. MacDuff: Front to front
      Bring thou this fiend of Scotland and myself;
      Within my sword’s length set him; if he ‘scape,
      Heaven forgive him too!

  39. BREAKING NEWS:

    I just got off the phone with an Imperial Wizard of the Grand Court System in the Kingdom of the Northwest and this is what I have learned:

    1. Bernath vs. Hy### et al has NO legs. Suit is dead in the water (Navy analogy).
    2. Bernath is and has difficulty following proceduures, therefore service may not be valid and all indications suggest he has violated warnings from Bar and knowingly broke the law in the Kingdom of the Northwest.
    3. Federal, state and local judges are bidding on the opportunity to preside over all future cases involving Bernath and specifically the MCPO case.
    4. Lawyers are fleeing by the van load in an attempt to avoid being asked to represent Bernath.
    5. There is a new cottage industry emerging in the Kingdom of the Northwest: Bernath Lawyer jokes.

    That is all.

    Carry on!

    Notes: 1. No real lawyers were harmed in the scripting of this sarcasim. 2. Bernath is not, never was nor will he ever be a Genuine or Honorary CPO. PERIOD!

    1. Just wondering if you are taking applications for fan girls? I’m very good at filing and making coffee along with empty praise. Oh and I hold a chair down nicely.

    3. So are the Judges trying to play seniority, or are they trying to decide via other methods AS TO deciding who will have the distinct pleasure of dismissing his/its case and laughing with everyone else present while the Bailiff escorts Benastypants out of the courtroom? My Dad is a retired State Judge, and he’s thrown cases like Bernutless’s out like they were yesterday’s trash!!

      1. OH, and Bernath the phony CPO/phony Oregon Attorney IS SO STUPID, I heard (It’s only a rumor) that he once took the #5 bus twice to make up for missing the #10 and tried to sue the bus company for not taking him where he wanted to go!!

    4. ‘Ignorance is the curse of God; knowledge is the wing wherewith we fly to heaven.’ W.S.

      Thank you, Master Chief. Do I need to go on with that project I’ve been working on?

  40. Dan is such a short-fused personality…I am afraid to have a lighter or a match lit around him.

    What an idiot.

    1. In case it wasn’t painfully obvious, “tsawatch” is Daniel-san.

      and my apologies for not posting this when I put up the link

      *spew warning*

    2. Oh … it is quite telling. Looks like he had voices in his head going back to 2004:

      TOP bashing the TSA Screener!!

      I spent a year and a half on the line wearing the uniform of my country. I took an oath to protect the United States and would have willingly given my life to protect you.
      I think you should show the appreciation for the TSA screener that he and she deserves.
      How many times a week did I look at a bag, after the X ray told me a bomb was inside and had to open it up. There was nobody to “call”, I was the guy. How many times did the voice in my head say, “these are the last few seconds of your life…”
      You can be angry at management of TSA and the way the amatuers have bungled things up but you MUST say to every screener you see, “thank you for all you do to keep us safe.”

      read this tribute to the TSA screener and appreciate them for risking their lives for you and your family http://www.aspecialdayguide.com/tsawatch/duty.htm

      1. I also noticed that Daniel-san’s TSA links are broken.

        Any bets that TSA yanked his chain hard?

        Any bets that he’s on TSA’s No Fly List and that’s why he’s taken up flying?

        anybody at all?

        Bueller?

        Bueller?

        Bueller?

        1. Maybe it was the way he giggled every time he volunteered to be the test dummy for Body Cavity Search Training?

        2. You mean that someone called in a favor with a friend who works in the alphabet soup and had his name placed on a no-fly list? I wish I could buy that person a beer… then again, I don’t really drink.

  42. I made it on Bernaths page and Dullass is blowing up my in box.

    Do I get a Tshirt or something

  43. Bernath has said to me in Email that He is an officer of the court, that he has been instructed by a judge to bring service.

    Being the nice guy I am, I sent him an address he could mail the stuff to. Well being the ass he is he gave that address to Dullass.

    I am sure my good friend and gun buddy who happens to be an officer of the law is laughing his ass off about his address being used to receive this.(With Permission)

    Oh and I am sure Dullas is thrilled that he posted that info on the internet.

    Dumbass

    1. “…Bernath has said to me in Email that He is an officer of the court, that he has been instructed by a judge to bring service.…”

      This sounds like he is misrepresenting himself as a lawyer outside the state of California.

      MCPO might want details.

      Hooah!

  44. Oh and Dullass,

    You need help buddy, big time. You have anger issues. Dont think for a second I am afraid of you or Bernath.

    You guys are stupid. Really Stupid. Bernath said he was an officer of the Court. The he had been instructed to do this crap tonight.

    You dont even have a picture of me. Do you really think a Photobucket account that happen to have the same name I use here means anything?

    I am going to post this here as well.

    It is a violation or Oregon and Florida Law to contact me. I have sent both of you Emails to this effect. DO not contact me, my family or business partners or customers. Any papers you need to serve me can be done through my lawyers. They will contact you in Due time.

  45. Bernasty the “seasoned ligation attorney”? Working as a TSA airport checker? Finding untold numbers of bombs? Was this all at Tigard International? (Not enough high bucks litigation work to keep him busy?)

    Bernasty plueesse, next time you find one of those suspected bombs just do THE RIGHT THING. Pick it up and shake it.

    Better yet call in the other bomb expert, “witlessfucked” and you can shake it together!

    I really have to laugh my ass off. “Seasoned litigation Attorney”. Really? Ever won a real case?

    I suspect the reason they fired Bernasty was he kept pushing the sniffer dogs out of the way and he was cutting into their turf. Especially with the overweight ladies as he describes them. It was a panties thing.

    “Seasoned trial attorney” what an embarrassment to real attorneys.

    TSA Inspector: What an embarrassment to inspectors really trying to do their jobs. (Even though I don’t care for them.)

    What an embarrassment to the Navy Photographers that have served. Especially from WW-2 through the present. I salute all of you. Many of you have been through the crucible.

    But not you bermanasty, you just slithered around in the bulkheads. Perhaps we should start to contact some of your shipmates and see just what kind of heroic missions you were on. That would be really easy to do. There are many association groups online that will have all the history of the carriers you served on, and names of flight crews of every mission. That also includes every company/group etc. so that would include your group? One of the questions would be how you were were ever exposed to Agent Orange. You phony fuk! Perhaps we should check on all those rescue flights you made over Vietnam, I assume over the North as that was where your carriers were operating. Just how many rescue flights did you go on? Something that needs to be answered

    Never a CPO Never a HCPO. Just a high powered litigation attorney that couldn’t cut as a simple TSA baggage checker.

    I guess we will be checking your units records. Anything you want to say, hero?

  46. 18. When you pick a lost cause, fully commit yourself to it rather than to an institution that could actually help you.

  48. How sad is it that Dan (Not a member of the bar) bernath has to get Dullass to help him.

    Dan retracted his deal offer when I asked him if he was a member of the bar in Oregon.

    I didnt know anything about Dullass until he started emailing me. I looked him up. What a tool.

    Dullass claims he has no Idea who bernath is. Thats funny.

    They still dont have my address.

    Dan IS not a Navy Chief. He is not a member of the bar in Oregon. He is not a good parent.

  49. BREAKING NEWS:

    Seems he has making friends at a certain Taallaahhaassee aeroport FBO down thare way in Floridida.

    We have the tapes and kinds goes like:

    Tower: Make turn and land 36.

    Pilot: What? I am so tired I just flew a cross the Rockies without taking any recommended course or training and people say I could have killed myself trying. Can I just put it down? I know how to do that!

    Tower: That is 36.

    Pilot: You want me to land on 9?

    Tower: 36

    Pilot: 9

    Tower: 36

    Pilot: 9

    Tower: Land on 36 and immediately proceed to office … FAA woulkd like a word with you.

    Note: Runway 9 at Taallaahhaassee is closed for construction. It is fenced off and construction equipment covers the area. Proper flight planning and preparation (plus a set of eyeballs required for VFR) would have revealed that runway 9 should never have been considered and or discussed.

    So there you go, making friends all over the place: NTSB, FAA, TSA … A true pattern of spreading good will and cheer from Oregon to Florida!

    2. 3 + 6 = 9. Maybe that’s how he, with his ginormous intellect, came to the conclusion that he was to land on 36.

  50. Oh and there is more!

    But first, let me tell you HOW I got the tapes. It is part of a vast Govt Sponsored Conspiracy where the UNIT accesses TOP SECRET computers and networks throughout CIA, FBI, NSA, DIA, DHS, FAA and more. We are given access be we know the handshake and have the reverse code proticols. Oh and you can listen to virtually all FAA comms and download it on the AlGore.net too … Seems like there is an industry out there recording reckless pilots!

    So apparently, when he arrived at the office he caused quite a seen (with FAA, ground personnel, tower), threw down the lawyer bit, talked AT everyone involved (vise talking to), claimed he was imprisoned et al, as to, to wit and then he set everyone straight about his RIGHTS … And contiunued to his next point where they greeted him with laughter, pointing at him and saying, “that is him, can you believe it?”

    Yeah … We believe it!

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